Are you self conscious about perceived flaws in yourself?

I remember the days as a child up to the age of about 11 or 12 where I had so much confidence, I had no social anxiety, I would love to read stories out to class, I was so confident and outgoing.

At high school I suffered years of put downs, bullying, ridicule, insults teasing, over a slight speech impediment and over my appearance. I lost all confidence. People would just laugh their heads off if I said words wrong, I was so self conscious about speaking because of this. Even 5 years later at college when I was 17, two girls from my old school were in my maths A level class and they would laugh their heads off and repeat a word I said wrong and because they were pretty and lots of people liked them as they were very outgoing, others would laugh with them. I felt like a freak for saying words wrong, I was so self conscious that I hated speaking out loud, and this was one of the main reasons I started fearing public speaking, presentations, etc so much. And I did lose all confidence speaking, and the amount of fear I had about public speaking because I felt I would be ridiculed and laughed at, made me so anxious that I found it hard to speak when so anxious, I needed to swallow every 5 seconds and I just couldn't complete sentences. I have avoided these situations ever since and now I have really improved on my self image and like myself and have put into context how pathetic those people who laughed at me and that its no big deal if you say a word wrong, I feel I have removed self consciousness, but I have no confidence in those situations such as speaking out loud as I have for so long avoided it and attached negative labels and fear to the situations. So now I am ready to tackle how do I start gaining confidence and belief that I can do these situations that I have believed for so long I just cannot do.

I also had huge self consciousness over my appearance for all the put downs I got. I have worked so hard at overcoming this and to start accepting how I look and like how I look and realise all the nasty comments I got was not because I was a freak, but just because people loved to put me down as I was a weak kid and although I have flaws, they are no big deal and I had to stop thinking so negatively about them and stop thinking so negatively of myself.

Now I have almost overcome all of that and I am hugely more confident. I can look anyone in the eye now, I can speak brilliantly to people one on one, I like myself a lot, I think I have so much to offer.

These experiences is why I am so against people labelling people who suffered confidence problems as being mentally ill. If I had simply experienced positive and good experiences and feedback, and everyone told me how brilliant I was and how much they liked me and people always interested in me, then I would be so confident and have such a positive image. Whereas if you are put down and told you are not good enough, told you are ugly, made to feel like a freak or different in a bad way, then you are going to lose your self esteem and self belief, self worth, self confidence. This is why I ask this question. Did your self esteem and self worth get knocked loads and these negative beliefs of yourself, your insecurities and perceived flaws you were lead to believe, did they take over your life, you always so self conscious and felt so negatively of yourself? Can anyone relate at all to that? If so where are you now in terms of beliefs about yourself? Do you still have these negative self beliefs, insecurities, believe you are not good enough and really hard on yourself?

You can overcome self consciousness and flaws in yourself. You can accept yourself even knowing you have flaws. You do not have to be like amazingly intelligent, great looking, hugely confident in order to believe and accept yourself. It takes hard work and effort but you really can change the way you see yourself and like yourself. And I would love to hear from anyone who can relate or even cannot relate. I mean I am a firm believer SA can happen from many different origins, some people may never have suffered the years of ridicule and bullying that I did. But surely we all want the same goal - confidence in ourselves and belief in ourselves. Right?

hey Charlie..first of all, i think it's horrible that you were teased and taunted cause you had a speech impediment..kids and teenagers can be so horribly mean..made me sad to read that..like how was that supposed to make you feel, and ever want to speak? :evil: ..sounds like you have a good grasp on why you had difficulties..and are overcoming this ..i was also bullied a lot in grade school..and it carried over to high school..yeah, in answer to your question..i think my self-esteem and self-worth were hugely shaped by those years..and having the issues i had with my parents...mainly my mom being a bully also..and being terrified of her..has everything to do with why i am the way i am..and that is a totally uneducated guess..cause i've never ever spoken to anyone about it :? ..and then, i look at my siblings..and they show no signs of anxiety or awkwardness whatsoever..so i wonder, why am i the only one?...hmm..anyway..i enjoyed reading your post..looks like you have lots to offer

maggie said:

hey Charlie..first of all, i think it's horrible that you were teased and taunted cause you had a speech impediment..kids and teenagers can be so horribly mean..made me sad to read that..like how was that supposed to make you feel, and ever want to speak? :evil: ..sounds like you have a good grasp on why you had difficulties..and are overcoming this ..i was also bullied a lot in grade school..and it carried over to high school..yeah, in answer to your question..i think my self-esteem and self-worth were hugely shaped by those years..and having the issues i had with my parents...mainly my mom being a bully also..and being terrified of her..has everything to do with why i am the way i am..and that is a totally uneducated guess..cause i've never ever spoken to anyone about it :? ..and then, i look at my siblings..and they show no signs of anxiety or awkwardness whatsoever..so i wonder, why am i the only one?...hmm..anyway..i enjoyed reading your post..looks like you have lots to offer

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Thanks Maggie, that is really kind and really interesting post, you have been of great help.

Isn't it interesting that so many of us who suffer from SA were bullied and put down by people and our self esteem and self worth were just crushed. I don't believe there is anything wrong with us which is why we are the way we are, we are the way we are because of all the experiences and feedback on ourselves over our life is how we are today. Its like we have been programmed to be who we are today by all of our experiences, and is why I am so frustrated when people just say 'You have SA, you have a mental illness'. Its absolute rubbish, yes we have issues that need sorting out, but they can be sorted out. If we can get to this point we are at because of the past, then we can get to any point we want, if we experience the right things in order to get there. I used to be so confident and you are so right Maggie, is it any wonder I feared speaking and was so anxious about speaking when I knew I would be laughed at and made to feel a freak and stupid. I mean when I think now of a speech impediment, its just a sound that is slightly different to what the sound should be. I mean that does not mean anything, it doesn't make me a bad person or ugly or undesirable or unintelligent, etc. But I was made to feel like that. I don't have the problem, it was those people who were so horrible and immature and insensitive who made me believe it was a problem. I was wrong to believe it when I put it into perspective, but when everyone laughs at you and singles you out as some freak for saying a word different, you feel so ashamed and humilated and embarrassed and you fear saying it for being judged like that.

In your case, you have had negative experiences and put downs from two different sources. And perhaps with it being your mother being so horrible to you, you believe what is being said even more, because a mother is supposed to love you and care for you and make you feel amazing and tell you how amazing you are. But your mother told you what sounds like the opposite and made you feel like a nobody and that you are not worth anything and that you are not good enough. And believe it, your self confidence, self esteem goes to rock bottom. And couple that with what people are telling you at school, is it any wonder you had no confidence in yourself, have any self worth? And all of that lack of confidence in yourself, it makes you withdraw from people and situations because you believe you will get put downs and ridicule, you avoid being centre of attention, etc. And I guess that avoidance has caused a lot of problems. You never have had the confidence to handle the situations. It begs the question, would anyone who has gone through what I did or you did be full of confidence and have high self esteem? The answer has to be no. Would you or I be very different in terms of would we suffer like we do with out lack of confidence and self worth, self belief if we only experienced positives, we were always told how amazing we are, made to feel that there is nothing wrong with us at all? The answer has to be yes.

How is your self esteem now? What is your self image of yourself? I think you have to work firstly at really changing this to positives and good, because that is what you really are. You just suffered at the hands of horrible mean people. You need to feel good about being you and like who you are, accepting yourself and not to have any negative self beliefs. Its a really important stage to get to.

What do you think you need to do in order to overcome SA? I will share something with you tomorrow that I have been working on, I would like your opinion on how important and relevant it is.

Really cool post maggie!

hey charlie..you have given me much food for thought; i look forward to reading more :wink: