Hello everyone, new to the forum, but I just wanted to tell my story in hopes that someone may be comforted by the similarity of our experience.
First of all, NO ONE can understand the the fear and trauma of a Panic Attack unless they have experienced one. Don't ever let anyone tell try and tell you that they are your fault, or that you are exaggerating. Your symptoms are real; it is amazing how the brain/mind can manifest real physical symptoms. This story is long, but the over all point is IT GETS BETTER. Take it from me, here is my experience:
Although I have had some anxiety in my childhood, these most recent years (I'm 20) have been the best of my life. I was always of the "don't worry, everything works out" attitude and thought that there was no point to stressing. Trying to reconcile this attitude with what I experienced this past summer was perhaps the hardest obstacle to overcome my problem with panic.
My problems with panic started back in April of 08. I was in Africa, and had been traveling for about 5 months all over the world. I had been eating like ****, and by that time I had lost about 30 lbs. I'm 6'0'' 160lbs, so you can imagine how emaciated I must have been at 130.
One day, I was walking up a hill and felt a wierd tightness in my chest, and my left hand was a bit numb. I was skeptical that it was anything and ignored it, but it persisted and I started to get nervous. That night I couldn't sleep. I catastrophized what could be happening, that I was about to have a heart attack in the middle of nowhere Africa, my parents would never see me again, I wouldn't be able to tell them I loved them, etc.
It was scary, and I didn't know what a panic attack was. I honestly thought I had some heart condition. I saw a doctor who told me that it probably had to do with my diet, which was in fact pretty bad, and that my heart was fine. This assuaged my fears, I had a blast the rest of my trip (a month) and headed home to recuperate thinking that the ****ty heart experience was behind me. At this point I believed that there was a problem with my heart due to some lack of vitamin or whatever, but I had resolved it by eating more fruits and veggies.
The rest of that summer was fine, although I picked up smoking due to some stressful circumstances. This is not something anyone should ever do.
I started at university that fall, and things were great. I made great friends, had great times, played lots of music, and life was great. However, in October of that year (2008), I started getting the pain again. I went to the doc to get everything checked out, and I was fine. So I forgot about it and was fine for the next couple of months.
Fast forward to February of 2010. I had been having the pain some more, but I kept trying to convince myself that the doctors had checked everything. But, still, I had this little nagging thought though in the back of my head saying, "did they really do every test they could do? What if they missed something? The canadian health care system is pretty ****ty, they don't care about me." This of course made me a bit uneasier.
(Side note: I'm from the states, I find the canadian healthcare system deplorable. Although I support a public option, we shouldn't be idolizing Canada as a golden standard.)
That month, my roommates and I decided to eat mushrooms (college!). It was my first time, I only smoke weed occasionally, and my druggie neighbor in my dorm suggested I eat 2.5g. It a bit much for a first time, and although I have no frame of reference, they were STRONG. Parts were amazing, but the peak was a super bad trip, and I felt as if I really had to fight some demons. I understand why some people "lose it." Luckily I didn't, although I was still freaking out on the inside, and I'm sure this did nothing to help my anxiety.
A few weeks later, the chest pain started up again. One morning, as I was hung-over eating breakfast (keep in mind, I never stopped partying), I had this weird feeling of impending doom, as if that was the last day for me on this earth. It was unsettling to say the least, and I resolved to go to the doctor as soon as I could to get more tests. Later that day, I went home and took a nap. I woke up around 6pm disoriented in my bed. I stood up quickly and got light headed (as is normal sometimes), but this freaked me out. Already being concerned about my heart, I felt my pulse, which was raging. We all know where this goes...I thought "this is it." the adrenaline was pumping. I ended up getting my roommate to call an ambulance. Results from the hospital: 100% clean bill of health.
At this point, I still didn't know what a panic attack was, and was still not convinced that my heart was fine. Spring turned into summer and all was seeming well after "the heart attack," as my friends called it. School ended, and I stayed in the city to work so I could have some money to go to Bonnaroo music festival. Because this story is getting long, I'm going to cut it short and give you just the relevant details.
I had a huge panic attack at Bonnaroo after a 24-hour straight caffeine fueled drive when a cracked out hippy handed me some black tar heroin. Thought I was going to trip out and die like a noob. I also had another one when I got home after the drive. I think both were sleep related. I came back to Montreal to continue working after that adventure to Tennesee, thinking that coming back to my friends and the city I love would make me feel better. Panic attack in the crowded Metro.
Around this time, I started to have trouble sleeping. It would take me an hour to fall asleep, and I would wake up multiple times every night. It only got worse, by the end waking up 20-25 times a night. My whole world became a dream. There was a cloud in my head, I felt dumb and couldn't concentrate. I felt as if I was following myself as I walked, as if I was watching myself talk to people. I later learned this is a phenomena called "Depersonalization," and it is unnerving to say the least. I started to worry less about my heart, and more about my sanity. I was paranoid; I felt like people were going to hurt me. I slowly felt more and more overwhelmed, kept having anxiety every day and panic attacks more and more often. I was tired all the time, uninterested in doing things I loved, and my friends were noticing I had changed. I began to become self-conscious of people noticing that I was changing, and this just made me depressed.
Finally, and inevitably, everything came tumbling down, the predictable implosion that had been brewing since that sunny day in Africa. I had really be began to think I was going nuts at this point because I just could not get to sleep. I went home to the states to see my sister and parents, looking forward to sleeping in my comfy bed.
Before I describe my implosion and the scariest moment of my life, I just need to take a minute to explain what full fledged insomnia does to one and one's mind. Here is an example of my average night.
1. I get into bed, physically and mentally exhausted from concentrating on normal things all day.
2. I shut my eyes, but the insides of my eyelids are incredibly bright, its as if there is a glowing pool of water that someone is throwing pebbles in causing ripples. White circles and lines sliding across my eyelids, literally distracting me from falling asleep. This causes me to keep opening my eyes every so often, keeping me up
3. However, when I do just my eyes and begin to zone out, I immediately start dreaming. I see and hear things as if I was dreaming, sounds, voices, music, whatever. It's so vivid and so loud that I have to open my eyes again. "Was I even asleep? Definitely dreaming..."
4. This process repeats all night. I wonder if I'm going crazy and hearing "voices."
5. Get up in the morning and repeat this process.
I fully understand why sleep deprivation is used for torture.
After another "normal" night (as described above) in my own bed, I woke up at around 6am. I looked at the window, shade drawn as the sun was coming up, silhouetting the whole window. The whole window looked like a watery puddle rippling. I blinked hard and looked again, still happening. This was the final nail in the coffin.
So began the worst day of my life. I couldn't get out of bed. Everything was too overwhelming. I thought I was going to have to be institutionalized, put in a white padded room, ****ting my pants. Life would never be the same and I would die without accomplishing my dreams. There was a moment that hit me especially hard; the moment I truly, and I mean truly, questioned my own sanity. In my short twenty years of life, this is hands down the most traumatizing thing that has ever happened to me. I've witnessed people die terribly, have broken limbs, lost family members, etc., but nothing compares to the fear of losing EVERYTHING that you love.
I thought, "no one can possibly live like this." I suddenly understood why kids shoot up schools, and why people commit suicide. All of these weird, antisocial avenues, I although I do not condone any of them, didn't seem out of the question all of the sudden. By being forced unwillingly into this strange realm of consciousness, a new perspective was brutally injected into my being. Throughout it all, the one thought that kept me from doing anything drastic was, "This is just another experience, another journey, and it will get better." i but even I feared this was just wishful thinking.
That evening I took a walk with my mother, and she said something that marked the start up my upward progress out of this terrible condition. She said, "Son, if you were going crazy, you wouldn't realize that you were going crazy." With this simple sentence, everything suddenly didn't seem quite as bad. The next morning, I woke up at six again, and the window was doing the same ripple thing. This time, instead of freaking out, I got up and walked over to the window. It turns out, that there was an AC draft in the room blowing the curtains and shade! The shadow of the window panes growing bigger and smaller as the shade moved made a rippling effect. I wasn't crazy.
From then on, my life has been moving steadily upwards. I came back to school a bit more shy because of that day. Nervous and and anxious because I felt like a changed person. I still have sleep problems, although they aren't as bad, but I am tired all of the time. Although I wasn't having as many panic attacks, I dealt with depression that I was "broken" and that I would never get better, losing hope, etc. That I would never be my old self again, the self my friends loved. This where seeing a psychologist really helps to keep your spirits up. They really know what they are talking about and are a good reminder of what is really going on and happening when you aren't being rational enough to realize yourself. I started to take Wellbutrin which has really done a lot, with little side effects.
At this point, still have sleep issues, but I consider myself 80% back to normal, and life is seeming brighter again. My advice for those suffering from this panic and anxiety is this:
1. Go talk to someone. For real, I know this can feel like admitting failure at life, but ask yourself if it will be worse than what's happening now? I've heard from many people that talk therapy is just as successful as prescription drugs. I have found this to be true, and I HATE to take drugs.
2. Inform yourself. Read up about anxiety/panic/insomnia and see how it works and what its symptoms are. Knowing is half the battle.
3. It is all about perspective. Anxiety is an overestimation of a threat, and an underestimation of your ability to handle it. Remember that, and look at the facts then you are freaking out. Remember the last time you had panic and what the symptoms were. Slowly but surely, you will begin to recognize when you are having an attack. When they become less foreign to you, they are easier to handle. When they are easier to handle, they happen less. Win/win
4. Stop doing drugs. I wonder whether those mushroom had anything to do with triggering my massive panic attack that February. I stopped smoking weed in July of 2009, and haven't smoked since. Also, I have all but quit smoking cigs with the help of wellbutrin (which happens to be remarketed as anti-smoking medication Zyban). Coffee - no more, caffeine is a surefire way to have a panic attack because it gives you the symptoms of one, i.e. racing heart, sweating. This makes you think your dieing (at least it did to me), I had to cut it out. I stopped drinking alcohol for a good four months. I've started again, but I don't go all out like I used to. Everyone is different physically, so do what you have to do, I'm just telling you what worked for me.
5. Sleep at normal hours and try to exercise. I know how tough it seems to get up and exercise when you feel like ****. But it helps, I swear. Exercising might cause a panic attack due to sweating/heart racing, but remember, we're talking exercise here...this is totally normal. This is something you'll slowly get over as well.
6. When you feel like ****, ask yourself this: How does this day feel in comparison to the worst day/panic attack/experience? This comes back to perspective. Remember your positive progress! you will have bad days, but ask your self if you feel better than a couple months ago. If yes, keep the hope alive, progress is the best motivation! If no, there is a good chance there is something in your life you still need to give up or change that keeps stressing you, and you know what that is. Do what you need to do for your health, no bull****.
ANYWAY, I'm sorry this is so long, I got a bit carried away. I guess after experiencing something so real and life changing, I just want to help people are are going through this. This year has been the worst/scariest of my life, and there times where I just though I couldn't go on any longer and felt so alone. It still not over yet, but its 100 times better than it was. There is always hope, and the idea that anyone might find comfort in this give me great happiness, as I wish I had known some of this stuff when my problems first started. Feel free to ask any questions about my experience. The most important thing to remember is that you are not alone! You aren't some broken social outcast. Millions of people deal with this ****, there is a solution.
First of all, NO ONE can understand the the fear and trauma of a Panic Attack unless they have experienced one. Don't ever let anyone tell try and tell you that they are your fault, or that you are exaggerating. Your symptoms are real; it is amazing how the brain/mind can manifest real physical symptoms. This story is long, but the over all point is IT GETS BETTER. Take it from me, here is my experience:
Although I have had some anxiety in my childhood, these most recent years (I'm 20) have been the best of my life. I was always of the "don't worry, everything works out" attitude and thought that there was no point to stressing. Trying to reconcile this attitude with what I experienced this past summer was perhaps the hardest obstacle to overcome my problem with panic.
My problems with panic started back in April of 08. I was in Africa, and had been traveling for about 5 months all over the world. I had been eating like ****, and by that time I had lost about 30 lbs. I'm 6'0'' 160lbs, so you can imagine how emaciated I must have been at 130.
One day, I was walking up a hill and felt a wierd tightness in my chest, and my left hand was a bit numb. I was skeptical that it was anything and ignored it, but it persisted and I started to get nervous. That night I couldn't sleep. I catastrophized what could be happening, that I was about to have a heart attack in the middle of nowhere Africa, my parents would never see me again, I wouldn't be able to tell them I loved them, etc.
It was scary, and I didn't know what a panic attack was. I honestly thought I had some heart condition. I saw a doctor who told me that it probably had to do with my diet, which was in fact pretty bad, and that my heart was fine. This assuaged my fears, I had a blast the rest of my trip (a month) and headed home to recuperate thinking that the ****ty heart experience was behind me. At this point I believed that there was a problem with my heart due to some lack of vitamin or whatever, but I had resolved it by eating more fruits and veggies.
The rest of that summer was fine, although I picked up smoking due to some stressful circumstances. This is not something anyone should ever do.
I started at university that fall, and things were great. I made great friends, had great times, played lots of music, and life was great. However, in October of that year (2008), I started getting the pain again. I went to the doc to get everything checked out, and I was fine. So I forgot about it and was fine for the next couple of months.
Fast forward to February of 2010. I had been having the pain some more, but I kept trying to convince myself that the doctors had checked everything. But, still, I had this little nagging thought though in the back of my head saying, "did they really do every test they could do? What if they missed something? The canadian health care system is pretty ****ty, they don't care about me." This of course made me a bit uneasier.
(Side note: I'm from the states, I find the canadian healthcare system deplorable. Although I support a public option, we shouldn't be idolizing Canada as a golden standard.)
That month, my roommates and I decided to eat mushrooms (college!). It was my first time, I only smoke weed occasionally, and my druggie neighbor in my dorm suggested I eat 2.5g. It a bit much for a first time, and although I have no frame of reference, they were STRONG. Parts were amazing, but the peak was a super bad trip, and I felt as if I really had to fight some demons. I understand why some people "lose it." Luckily I didn't, although I was still freaking out on the inside, and I'm sure this did nothing to help my anxiety.
A few weeks later, the chest pain started up again. One morning, as I was hung-over eating breakfast (keep in mind, I never stopped partying), I had this weird feeling of impending doom, as if that was the last day for me on this earth. It was unsettling to say the least, and I resolved to go to the doctor as soon as I could to get more tests. Later that day, I went home and took a nap. I woke up around 6pm disoriented in my bed. I stood up quickly and got light headed (as is normal sometimes), but this freaked me out. Already being concerned about my heart, I felt my pulse, which was raging. We all know where this goes...I thought "this is it." the adrenaline was pumping. I ended up getting my roommate to call an ambulance. Results from the hospital: 100% clean bill of health.
At this point, I still didn't know what a panic attack was, and was still not convinced that my heart was fine. Spring turned into summer and all was seeming well after "the heart attack," as my friends called it. School ended, and I stayed in the city to work so I could have some money to go to Bonnaroo music festival. Because this story is getting long, I'm going to cut it short and give you just the relevant details.
I had a huge panic attack at Bonnaroo after a 24-hour straight caffeine fueled drive when a cracked out hippy handed me some black tar heroin. Thought I was going to trip out and die like a noob. I also had another one when I got home after the drive. I think both were sleep related. I came back to Montreal to continue working after that adventure to Tennesee, thinking that coming back to my friends and the city I love would make me feel better. Panic attack in the crowded Metro.
Around this time, I started to have trouble sleeping. It would take me an hour to fall asleep, and I would wake up multiple times every night. It only got worse, by the end waking up 20-25 times a night. My whole world became a dream. There was a cloud in my head, I felt dumb and couldn't concentrate. I felt as if I was following myself as I walked, as if I was watching myself talk to people. I later learned this is a phenomena called "Depersonalization," and it is unnerving to say the least. I started to worry less about my heart, and more about my sanity. I was paranoid; I felt like people were going to hurt me. I slowly felt more and more overwhelmed, kept having anxiety every day and panic attacks more and more often. I was tired all the time, uninterested in doing things I loved, and my friends were noticing I had changed. I began to become self-conscious of people noticing that I was changing, and this just made me depressed.
Finally, and inevitably, everything came tumbling down, the predictable implosion that had been brewing since that sunny day in Africa. I had really be began to think I was going nuts at this point because I just could not get to sleep. I went home to the states to see my sister and parents, looking forward to sleeping in my comfy bed.
Before I describe my implosion and the scariest moment of my life, I just need to take a minute to explain what full fledged insomnia does to one and one's mind. Here is an example of my average night.
1. I get into bed, physically and mentally exhausted from concentrating on normal things all day.
2. I shut my eyes, but the insides of my eyelids are incredibly bright, its as if there is a glowing pool of water that someone is throwing pebbles in causing ripples. White circles and lines sliding across my eyelids, literally distracting me from falling asleep. This causes me to keep opening my eyes every so often, keeping me up
3. However, when I do just my eyes and begin to zone out, I immediately start dreaming. I see and hear things as if I was dreaming, sounds, voices, music, whatever. It's so vivid and so loud that I have to open my eyes again. "Was I even asleep? Definitely dreaming..."
4. This process repeats all night. I wonder if I'm going crazy and hearing "voices."
5. Get up in the morning and repeat this process.
I fully understand why sleep deprivation is used for torture.
After another "normal" night (as described above) in my own bed, I woke up at around 6am. I looked at the window, shade drawn as the sun was coming up, silhouetting the whole window. The whole window looked like a watery puddle rippling. I blinked hard and looked again, still happening. This was the final nail in the coffin.
So began the worst day of my life. I couldn't get out of bed. Everything was too overwhelming. I thought I was going to have to be institutionalized, put in a white padded room, ****ting my pants. Life would never be the same and I would die without accomplishing my dreams. There was a moment that hit me especially hard; the moment I truly, and I mean truly, questioned my own sanity. In my short twenty years of life, this is hands down the most traumatizing thing that has ever happened to me. I've witnessed people die terribly, have broken limbs, lost family members, etc., but nothing compares to the fear of losing EVERYTHING that you love.
I thought, "no one can possibly live like this." I suddenly understood why kids shoot up schools, and why people commit suicide. All of these weird, antisocial avenues, I although I do not condone any of them, didn't seem out of the question all of the sudden. By being forced unwillingly into this strange realm of consciousness, a new perspective was brutally injected into my being. Throughout it all, the one thought that kept me from doing anything drastic was, "This is just another experience, another journey, and it will get better." i but even I feared this was just wishful thinking.
That evening I took a walk with my mother, and she said something that marked the start up my upward progress out of this terrible condition. She said, "Son, if you were going crazy, you wouldn't realize that you were going crazy." With this simple sentence, everything suddenly didn't seem quite as bad. The next morning, I woke up at six again, and the window was doing the same ripple thing. This time, instead of freaking out, I got up and walked over to the window. It turns out, that there was an AC draft in the room blowing the curtains and shade! The shadow of the window panes growing bigger and smaller as the shade moved made a rippling effect. I wasn't crazy.
From then on, my life has been moving steadily upwards. I came back to school a bit more shy because of that day. Nervous and and anxious because I felt like a changed person. I still have sleep problems, although they aren't as bad, but I am tired all of the time. Although I wasn't having as many panic attacks, I dealt with depression that I was "broken" and that I would never get better, losing hope, etc. That I would never be my old self again, the self my friends loved. This where seeing a psychologist really helps to keep your spirits up. They really know what they are talking about and are a good reminder of what is really going on and happening when you aren't being rational enough to realize yourself. I started to take Wellbutrin which has really done a lot, with little side effects.
At this point, still have sleep issues, but I consider myself 80% back to normal, and life is seeming brighter again. My advice for those suffering from this panic and anxiety is this:
1. Go talk to someone. For real, I know this can feel like admitting failure at life, but ask yourself if it will be worse than what's happening now? I've heard from many people that talk therapy is just as successful as prescription drugs. I have found this to be true, and I HATE to take drugs.
2. Inform yourself. Read up about anxiety/panic/insomnia and see how it works and what its symptoms are. Knowing is half the battle.
3. It is all about perspective. Anxiety is an overestimation of a threat, and an underestimation of your ability to handle it. Remember that, and look at the facts then you are freaking out. Remember the last time you had panic and what the symptoms were. Slowly but surely, you will begin to recognize when you are having an attack. When they become less foreign to you, they are easier to handle. When they are easier to handle, they happen less. Win/win
4. Stop doing drugs. I wonder whether those mushroom had anything to do with triggering my massive panic attack that February. I stopped smoking weed in July of 2009, and haven't smoked since. Also, I have all but quit smoking cigs with the help of wellbutrin (which happens to be remarketed as anti-smoking medication Zyban). Coffee - no more, caffeine is a surefire way to have a panic attack because it gives you the symptoms of one, i.e. racing heart, sweating. This makes you think your dieing (at least it did to me), I had to cut it out. I stopped drinking alcohol for a good four months. I've started again, but I don't go all out like I used to. Everyone is different physically, so do what you have to do, I'm just telling you what worked for me.
5. Sleep at normal hours and try to exercise. I know how tough it seems to get up and exercise when you feel like ****. But it helps, I swear. Exercising might cause a panic attack due to sweating/heart racing, but remember, we're talking exercise here...this is totally normal. This is something you'll slowly get over as well.
6. When you feel like ****, ask yourself this: How does this day feel in comparison to the worst day/panic attack/experience? This comes back to perspective. Remember your positive progress! you will have bad days, but ask your self if you feel better than a couple months ago. If yes, keep the hope alive, progress is the best motivation! If no, there is a good chance there is something in your life you still need to give up or change that keeps stressing you, and you know what that is. Do what you need to do for your health, no bull****.
ANYWAY, I'm sorry this is so long, I got a bit carried away. I guess after experiencing something so real and life changing, I just want to help people are are going through this. This year has been the worst/scariest of my life, and there times where I just though I couldn't go on any longer and felt so alone. It still not over yet, but its 100 times better than it was. There is always hope, and the idea that anyone might find comfort in this give me great happiness, as I wish I had known some of this stuff when my problems first started. Feel free to ask any questions about my experience. The most important thing to remember is that you are not alone! You aren't some broken social outcast. Millions of people deal with this ****, there is a solution.
