You can't possibly have SA then-

[Rumplestiltskin]

Re: forever

In a relationship, then you can't possibly have SA. How many people agree with this statement? :question:

Totally agree if you're a guy.

Totally disagree with it. I've seen that kind of thing on here a lot of times, and not just for relationships, but for many reasons. Things like; "You're too attractive to have social phobia!", "You have friends so you must not be phobic", or "You actually leave your house so there can't be anything wrong with you". I don't think it's fair to say that someone can't possibly have issues just because they have a relationship or are successful in some area of their life. People suffer from SA on different degrees of severity, and it does not uniformly affect every person exactly the same way. We don't all have the same fears and insecurities as the next person. Just because it doesn't affect every aspect of your life doesn't mean it's not a serious issue.

There are degrees of SA severity, of course, but the spectrum has its limits. When your problem doesn't affect each and every aspect of your life, when you don't feel incapacitated but just slightly uncomfortable, then you're not a social phobic, but just a regular shy person. A lot of people are in this group but (for some reason I can't fathom) want to be in the SA group and label themselves as such. That's kind of disrespectful to those who really struggle.

I think it's a false statement. Take me for instance. The severe social anxiety didn't develop until I was already married and had several kids. I have grown accustomed to my family, it's outsiders who freak me out.
Also, I have had anxiety to a degree my whole life. Really bad as a child, but it went away for a long time when I was out of school and working. Socializing was hard, but not impossible. It was stressful, but most people didn't know unless I told them. It was exhausting, but I did it. It wasn't until I got ill (with an autoimmune disease) and had some set backs and traumas in my life that it truly developed into a fierce beast that became harder to control.

I don't think it works like that. You can't have SA and at the same time have people not notice anything at all. If you're a social phobic, you can't help but show public signs of anxiety, so everyone knows that you've got some kind of a problem (even if they can't put a name to it). And so the fact that you know they know becomes an inherent part of the problem.

 

[darrens]

Re: forever

Totally agree if you're a guy.


There are degrees of SA severity, of course, but the spectrum has its limits. When your problem doesn't affect each and every aspect of your life, when you don't feel incapacitated but just slightly uncomfortable, then you're not a social phobic, but just a regular shy person. A lot of people are in this group but (for some reason I can't fathom) want to be in the SA group and label themselves as such. That's kind of disrespectful to those who really struggle.


I don't think it works like that. You can't have SA and at the same time have people not notice anything at all. If you're a social phobic, you can't help but show public signs of anxiety, so everyone knows that you've got some kind of a problem (even if they can't put a name to it). And so the fact that you know they know becomes an inherent part of the problem.

Everything you say here is ridiculous to be honest,there is not much worse than trying to claim some sort of higher ground on a social phobia helpsite.

Saying people are just regular shy and just want to be in the SA group,crazy, seriously this is laughable almost,if it wasn't so serious for so many people here,there is so many points i would like to bring up with what you said here i could be typing all day.
But one thing i see a lot of on these sites bothers me,what is regular shy?you are trying to say you are not shy,you are better than someone shy because you have a condition whereas regular shy people are just shy,and have no condition.
I don't know where to begin or end on this point,seriously this is making up a condition for sure,regular shy as u call it is part of the same issue just on a differing scale,if you see someone you call regular shy do you think they are happy to be like that,off course they are not,but you're describing people who can almost not function whatsoever as the only people with SA,seriously you couldn't be more wrong.

 

[Kiwong]

Re: forever

There are degrees of SA severity, of course, but the spectrum has its limits. When your problem doesn't affect each and every aspect of your life, when you don't feel incapacitated but just slightly uncomfortable, then you're not a social phobic, but just a regular shy person. A lot of people are in this group but (for some reason I can't fathom) want to be in the SA group and label themselves as such. That's kind of disrespectful to those who really struggle

.

I think it is disrespectful to those who struggle with social anxiety, but manage to form relationships, hold a job, be happy, to get out and try to live, only to be told you can't have social anxiety you're not incapacitated enough.

I'm here because I am diagnosed with severe anxiety. There are some situations I feel slightly uncomfortable with, others I can't cope with at all.

I don't think it works like that. You can't have SA and at the same time have people not notice anything at all. If you're a social phobic, you can't help but show public signs of anxiety, so everyone knows that you've got some kind of a problem (even if they can't put a name to it). And so the fact that you know they know becomes an inherent part of the problem.

I agree with this to some extent. However, some people might see your anxiety as something else, and not even believe you when they tell them.

 

[Odo]

Re: forever

Totally agree if you're a guy.

It's not impossible... there are men on this site with SA who are also in relationships.
It might be harder because of cultural expectations, but people can be more open-minded than you think.

And as others have said, anxiety doesn't have to be debilitating to exist... people have good days and bad days. It's a chronic condition in some cases as well.

I do agree there's difference between SA and shyness, though.

 

[BlueDays]

Re: forever

It's not impossible... there are men on this site with SA who are also in relationships.

It might be harder because of cultural expectations, but people can be more open-minded than you think.

^Exactly.
I think it depends on what country you live in too. There are countries where it is not unusual for a girl to ask a guy out. Including mine.

 

[darrens]

Re: forever

.
I agree with this to some extent. However, some people might see your anxiety as something else, and not even believe you when they tell them.

I am not sure how you can agree with that either to be honest,just because someone doesn't show signs in public doesn't mean they don't have SA,there is various different types of public arenas that all have different affects on people,i think the spectrum is vast for different things,different places,situations that cause anxiety for people,so again i think because someone has learned how to deal and not look to be nervous in a certain situation does not mean they don't have SA,some people can look very relaxed i would imagine in certain public situations,while still having debilitating SA .

 

[Kiwong]

Re: forever

I am not sure how you can agree with that either to be honest,just because someone doesn't show signs in public doesn't mean they don't have SA,there is various different types of public arenas that all have different affects on people,i think the spectrum is vast for different things,different places,situations that cause anxiety for people,so again i think because someone has learned how to deal and not look to be nervous in a certain situation does not mean they don't have SA,some people can look very relaxed i would imagine in certain public situations,while still having debilitating SA .

I said I agreed to some extent, and what I agree with is the part about anxiety being a problem around those who pick up on it and have a problem with. At least that is my experience, people find my anxious behaviour confronting. The problem for me is those who react to my anxiety with anger or ridicule. They don't know it is anxiety, they think I am having a go at them.

I did not agree or disagree with the bit about some people with debilitatng anxiety not showing any outward signs of it at all. That indeed could be the case for some, it isn't for me.

there is various different types of public arenas that all have different affects on people,i think the spectrum is vast for different things,different places,situations that cause anxiety for people

This is exactly what I said in the part of the previous post that you didn't choose to quote.

 

[MollyBeGood]

I am female and I have approached men.

I think when one really, really wants something nothing can stop them. No disability on the planet.

 

[shybutsexy]

Re: forever

It's not impossible... there are men on this site with SA who are also in relationships.

Its probably because they are way too atractive. But this is not possible for a regular/below-average guy. Ugly + SA = forever alone (like me).

 

[AGR]

I dont agree,but I dont totally disagree either,before throwing stones at me,let me explain,I dont believe a guy can have any kind of anxiety problems or self- steem problems if he is a player or has many girls,first because it is the guy who usually chases and has to close 'the deal',now women do approach and send signals or even tell you they like you,I am proof of this,and now the "ball" is passed to you,its your time to make a move.........remember you have a problem if it stops you from doing something,so being really confortable in getting so intimate,as intimate as it gets,with you making the first moves,with this many people,passing that barrier with so many people contradicts that,so yeah I dont believe a "player" has any problems similar to people here at all.....

 

[Pookah]

I have SA and my husband has SA. So it is possible.

It helps to find common ground like that.

If you find your significant other its probably because they became as comfortable to be around as a family member. I trust him so my SA isn't much triggered by him.

 

[Odo]

Re: forever

Its probably because they are way too atractive. But this is not possible for a regular/below-average guy. Ugly + SA = forever alone (like me).

I think it's probably because they don't actively push people away with negativity and self-pity.

 

[bcsr]

Re: forever

Its probably because they are way too atractive. But this is not possible for a regular/below-average guy. Ugly + SA = forever alone (like me).

I don't have any issues with dating. I don't think I'm exceedingly attractive or anything. Maybe average looking at best. The only way to to guarantee you stay single is not to try.

 

[MollyBeGood]

I have SA and my husband has SA. So it is possible.

It helps to find common ground like that.

If you find your significant other its probably because they became as comfortable to be around as a family member. I trust him so my SA isn't much triggered by him.

A success story! Thanks for commenting, Pookah

I happen to agree it can actually be the glue that can be the "Us against the world" bond you need to stay strong.

It's all totally depend on how much two people really want to be together. If they both want it the same, equally desire for success in love, then no obstacles really matter anymore.

 

[Lavinialuna]

Re: forever

I don't think it works like that. You can't have SA and at the same time have people not notice anything at all. If you're a social phobic, you can't help but show public signs of anxiety, so everyone knows that you've got some kind of a problem (even if they can't put a name to it). And so the fact that you know they know becomes an inherent part of the problem.

My anxiety has cycles. When I was in high school and under a lot of pressure from bullies I was a mess. It even came to the point where they threatened to put me in classes for the emotionally disturbed.
Once I was out of school I gained confidence and friends. I was better, but still had issues. I found my job was a "safe place" and I felt okay while I was there. I could go to my local hang out with my friends, and I felt okay. Of course if I would go across the street to where the jock type people hung out and I would feel panicky and leave, but mostly I could keep it together. Maybe I'm just a better actor than you? I had a period in the 90's with terrible anxiety where I withdrew again, but I recovered to the lesser anxiety state with medication and continued under the radar.
Then I had a series of traumas and the anxiety grew worse. It got to the point where I would go out, but never alone and progressed to where I would hardly ever go out at all. I freaked out over a minor conflict and wouldn't speak to my friends at all for 2 years. I literally had a nervous breakdown. Now I am finally feeling a little better, talking to friends again on facebook, although I am not ready to socialize. Baby steps.
There is no strict set of rules that bind a human being. They are afraid, or they aren't. They may feel good enough to leave the house one day, but too afraid the next. I am complicated, I don't fit into a box. I don't even try to understand myself, so I can't expect anyone else to.
I am afraid of people. I avoid avoid avoid. If I am forced to speak to people, I can keep myself from making a fool of myself if I keep it short, if it gets too long I get dizzy and faint and have to remove myself, so I control how long I stay. (Then I go home and ruminate over all the dumb things I said for 4 hours.) I have social anxiety. I don't need your seal of approval.

 

[Lavinialuna]

Also, since when did social anxiety become more about what is visible on the outside than the trauma happening on the inside? I have social anxiety, not the people around me noticing my symptoms.

 

[MollyBeGood]

Thanks for posting all these stories! You guys are great to share your insights and successes. <---that word looks weird? There's so much to learn from all our struggles when we really open up about them. Not complain and say how we are disadvantaged but how we over come is really inspiring, particularly in the area of love and relationships.:applause:

 

[iAmCodeMonkey]

Re: forever

When your problem doesn't affect each and every aspect of your life, when you don't feel incapacitated but just slightly uncomfortable, then you're not a social phobic, but just a regular shy person. A lot of people are in this group but (for some reason I can't fathom) want to be in the SA group and label themselves as such.

As a person who has suffered with visual impairment and general shyness since birth, this is utter BS. There is no "SA group." Do you really think that people who are "just shy" are looking to label themselves as something their not just to gain acceptance? Really? That is like all the "emo" kids in high school who wanted to be part of that group even though they were not "really" depressed *.

Come on now, don't be silly. Everyone has problems or issues that are invisible upon first glance. I speak from experience that labeling myself based on my visual impairment is the last thing I would want. I can say the same thing about my anxiety around women in public due to my experiences in life.

* By the way, I have suffered from depression before, suicidal thoughts and all during my final three years in high-school. I still feel down during the summer even to this day. Not having any real friends after spending 5 years in college does that to you. Ok, now I am done. Sorry for the novella.

 

[lyricalliaisons]

Disagree totally!!!

 

[Quiet12]

I don't necessarily agree. I think you can have that one person that you connect with, but at the same time have a lot of trouble with other people.