will I ever get laid?

[Catalyst]

I'm in my early 20s and I fear it may never happen. I suffer from extreme social anxiety and have been isolated for over 10 years. As a result, I never developed the ability to socialize. It is an unnatural behavior to me. I cannot make friends or sustain any kind of long term relationships. I don't go out anywhere. Ever. Unless it's with family. I'm currently NEET. My anxiety is so overwhelming that I can't even talk to girls anymore.

I don't have anything going for me... I have average looks (ok looking face but with a receding hairline and a scrawny body type) no social life, no job and poor career prospects due to a learning disability. I don't have any independence - I can't do basic things like drive on my own or cook for myself. I have numerous medical issues. I've never been to public places like stores, restaurants, or the movies alone. Never been to a bar or nightclub. I don't have any cool hobbies or interests. I'm not good at anything. I don't have anything in common with anyone. I literally have nothing to talk about with other people due to my limited experiences and lack of interest in most things. Based on all of this, I know my chances of attracting a female are extremely slim. Relationships seem out of the question. Unfortunately, I'm cursed with having a strong sex drive and a need for validation from females.

I never used to care so much about this... I used to think that things would fall into place and happen when they were supposed to. But something changed and now I desperately want to get laid by a hot girl. I feel like it would fix my self-esteem and help pull me out of this depression. I feel so worthless when I hear about all the guys my age and younger screwing hot women. Sometimes I honestly feel suicidal over the fact that I'll probably be celibate forever. Existing like this is torture. It's so ****ing unfair.

 

[Sacrament]

I think getting laid would only give you a temporary high, because it doesn't really fix anything except that, getting laid. Besides, do you want casual sex, or for a female to show interest in who you are? Your best bet is to work on all the things you listed first. Start going out for walks/runs. Go somewhere you're afraid of going by yourself and expand. No hobbies? Find some, invest in them. Volunteer locally, and make new friends that way. Eventually you'll gather important tools for doing new things, surprising yourself and becoming better at interacting with others.

 

[LoyalXenite]

If its just for sex you could try tinder or similar to meet someone just for a casual hook up

 

[Catalyst]

I think getting laid would only give you a temporary high, because it doesn't really fix anything except that, getting laid. Besides, do you want casual sex, or for a female to show interest in who you are? Your best bet is to work on all the things you listed first. Start going out for walks/runs. Go somewhere you're afraid of going by yourself and expand. No hobbies? Find some, invest in them. Volunteer locally, and make new friends that way. Eventually you'll gather important tools for doing new things, surprising yourself and becoming better at interacting with others.

Work on all the things I listed first? lol. By the time I get all that sorted out I'll be in my late 30s or 40s. At that age, what's the point? There's nothing left to enjoy in life. I won't be at my peak physically and women will no longer be in their prime. All the good ones will be taken by then and I'll be stuck with leftovers.

To answer your question, I just want casual sex at this point because it seems impossible for me to build relationships with others. No female could ever like me for who I am. If that was the case, it would have already happened. If I have to "work on" or "improve" myself to get laid, it implies that I'm currently not good enough. Once I make these changes, I will no longer be the same person... therefore, any women that might like me wouldn't actually be attracted to who I am. Get what I'm saying?

The dating/relationship game is all about putting on a facade and showing only your best qualities. It's like applying for a ****ing job. There's no "love" or magic to this shit. That's just what people tell themselves to feel better about being shallow and fake. No woman likes a man for who he is. They all want a guy with good looks, the perfect personality, money and social status. I have none of those things. I'm just a boring, quiet loner.

I don't think getting laid would only give me a temporary high since this is one of the things making me feel like killing myself lately.

 

[Catalyst]

If its just for sex you could try tinder or similar to meet someone just for a casual hook up

does that really work? Aren't women on those sites still picky about who they hook up with?

 

[PugofCrydee]

The impression I get is that you simply want to lose your virginity/get laid.

If simply getting laid is your priority then I agree with loyalxenite, use sites like tinder. Or you could simply get a hooker.

Going by the information you have supplied, what other options do you really have?

Good luck with it.

 

[Kiwong]

I don't reckon simply getting laid with a hot chick will solve your self-esteem issues. It might satisfy a short term urge. however, I think there's a whole range of other issues you could work on, maybe with a counsellor, or psychologist.

 

[Megaten]

does that really work? Aren't women on those sites still picky about who they hook up with?

Everyone is picky about who they hook up with man. Thats why Sacrament said at least start working on your mental health, because even if you were an average dude you'd get shot down by quite a few women. And having a good self esteem makes the difference between having a beer and a laugh after that rejection, to wanting to hurt yourself after that rejection.

 

[Catalyst]

I don't reckon simply getting laid with a hot chick will solve your self-esteem issues. It might satisfy a short term urge. however, I think there's a whole range of other issues you could work on, maybe with a counsellor, or psychologist.

you may be right or wrong about the first part... I won't know until I experience it. Even if it isn't a 100% solution, I'm pretty sure I'll feel better than I do now.

I've seen numerous psychologists and counsellors over the years. It was useless... none of them were equipped to deal with my level of depression. Several of them ended up just blaming me for my problems which obviously just made me feel worse. Regardless, I'll be starting some group therapy crap soon (it's not voluntary - I have to do it for "legal" reasons), so yeah. Doubt it'll help but whatever. Sometimes I feel like I'm destined to be a lost cause... like one of those people you hear about on the news who committed suicide or some atrocity.

 

[Catalyst]

Everyone is picky about who they hook up with man. Thats why Sacrament said at least start working on your mental health, because even if you were an average dude you'd get shot down by quite a few women. And having a good self esteem makes the difference between having a beer and a laugh after that rejection, to wanting to hurt yourself after that rejection.

why would I get shot down by quite a few women? Are you trying to imply that I'm a loser or something? Well you're probably right, but it's still not very nice.

I can't handle rejection at all and don't feel I'll ever be able to, which is why relationships are probably out of the question. Hookers seem like a good option but I can't really do that in my current circumstances since I'm living with my parents. I also don't know how to find one who is clean, safe, and doing it voluntarily... I'd have to research quite a bit first.

I don't "have a beer and laugh" about any of my failures. I always want to hurt myself or others. That shit isn't funny to me. Perfectionist till I die.

 

[Kiwong]

Life's long Catalyst, it can change for the better when you least expect it.

 

[Megaten]

why would I get shot down by quite a few women? Are you trying to imply that I'm a loser or something? Well you're probably right, but it's still not very nice.

You totally misunderstood what I was saying. I was saying a lot of men in general will get shot down if they come on like they're just looking for sex. Like for instance I saw a vid online where a guy did an experiment and tried to elicit sex from women he just met on the streets. One did agree, but like 100 of them didnt. Also I have friends without SA that have zero luck with that OR relationships. I was merely saying that you should be prepared for that happening so you dont internalize it.

 

[Bronson99]

Eh, before I say anything else, I used to be a lot like you. And I still am in many ways. There are some ways I'm still mind-bogglingly pathetic. But as I got older and slightly wiser, I decided to decrease the intensity of self-loathing, and forget this idea that mainstream society determines value or whatever. It doesn't. And if you still believe it does and won't change your mind, in the end what will happen is either drug addiction, alcoholism, or even suicide. The reason I know about this is because it nearly happened to me. I had some addiction issues which neatly suppressed all these feelings of "what the f**k is wrong with me" but at a certain point, your health can't tolerate it anymore.

does that really work? Aren't women on those sites still picky about who they hook up with?

I'm pretty much in the same position with women, as well, and cannot deny the fact that natural desire exists (however, if you are blatant about this in forums like this one, expect to start arguments.. it's a sensitive topic, here.) About those sites.. I've been exploring one of those sites (I won't say which one, not that it matters anyway) and oddly enough, it does seem like there are some women out there who don't hate the way I look.. there's one woman I chatted with briefly who I'm quite certain is 100% genuine (be careful, there are fakers out there.. you can usually spot them when something is "too good to be true") and she's very interesting. But the problem I have had is what comes next.. texting, and/or calling. I did not have the balls to call her either (she said I could call, I had her number and all).. now, the line of communication is dead, I haven't heard from her in 3 days.

The point being, you need to learn a LOT about all this stuff before you even consider trying this. I'm still learning also.. I might even be "jumping ahead" too fast, because my real-life social experience is sorely lacking.

Anyway, lemme know if you have any questions.

 

[Bronson99]

You totally misunderstood what I was saying. I was saying a lot of men in general will get shot down if they come on like they're just looking for sex. Like for instance I saw a vid online where a guy did an experiment and tried to elicit sex from women he just met on the streets. One did agree, but like 100 of them didnt. Also I have friends without SA that have zero luck with that OR relationships. I was merely saying that you should be prepared for that happening so you dont internalize it.

No use making comparisons, IMHO, because he might think "well, if guys WITHOUT social anxiety can't get laid, then it must be impossible for me." He could easily jump to that conclusion.. it's easy to fall into the trap of black-and-white thinking.. it's actually the *wrong* way to think about things, and I'm only beginning to break free of it, myself.

I think it would be better to say that guys both with AND without social difficulties have intimate relations. There's a lot of factors that are tough to pin down.. things that are outside the typical categories of perceived value.

 

[Metal_isthe_Answer]

I hate to be a **** but the "at that age what's the point" really makes you sound like a shallow ****, like people in their 30s have no business having relationships or something

 

[Catalyst]

You totally misunderstood what I was saying. I was saying a lot of men in general will get shot down if they come on like they're just looking for sex. Like for instance I saw a vid online where a guy did an experiment and tried to elicit sex from women he just met on the streets. One did agree, but like 100 of them didnt. Also I have friends without SA that have zero luck with that OR relationships. I was merely saying that you should be prepared for that happening so you dont internalize it.

no, I actually understood. I just felt like making things more dramatic.

I'm not a total idiot. I understand social etiquette and I never reveal my intentions when I talk to women. In fact, I do my best to act totally disinterested and unaffected by them. To the outsider I probably seem pretty cool. Or gay.

Lucky you. You have friends. I've known many people who have never been rejected by the opposite sex. But I get what you're saying. I'm not prepared for rejection at all tbh. Would rather die.

Eh, before I say anything else, I used to be a lot like you. And I still am in many ways. There are some ways I'm still mind-bogglingly pathetic. But as I got older and slightly wiser, I decided to decrease the intensity of self-loathing, and forget this idea that mainstream society determines value or whatever. It doesn't. And if you still believe it does and won't change your mind, in the end what will happen is either drug addiction, alcoholism, or even suicide. The reason I know about this is because it nearly happened to me. I had some addiction issues which neatly suppressed all these feelings of "what the f**k is wrong with me" but at a certain point, your health can't tolerate it anymore.

ah yes, I'm mind-bogglingly pathetic. Thank you.

See I used to be quite the opposite of what I am now. I didn't care as much about the ideals society promotes. But in the past year or two something changed. I suddenly started feeling extremely worthless and overly concerned about life passing me by. I can't seem to shake these feelings of not measuring up.

It's kind of ironic you mentioned that because I'm currently going through this phase of wanting to excessively drink alcohol and use drugs... despite the fact that I don't have much experience with them. I missed out on the wild fun college life that all of my peers got to enjoy and I really want to make up for it... even if it kills me.

Anyways, I appreciate the reply. Maybe I'll consider the online hookup stuff at some point. I don't think I'm socially ready for that yet. Too much of a recluse.

 

[Catalyst]

I hate to be a **** but the "at that age what's the point" really makes you sound like a shallow ****, like people in their 30s have no business having relationships or something

hey man, I didn't make the rules. I just live by them. The norm is to do the whole relationship thing in your teens/20s and then settle down in your 30s, focus on your career, maybe raise kids (ugh) and prepare for eternal boredom. I think life sucks once you get old. And I despise the idea of being a late bloomer. No need to get mad at me if you feel differently. Don't let me discourage you from pursuing relationships if it's what you want.

 

[shybutsexy]

If its just for sex you could try tinder or similar to meet someone just for a casual hook up

This only works if you are a really hot guy, and the girl you would be hooking up with would be average looking/ugly.

 

[Odo]

I'm not a total idiot. I understand social etiquette and I never reveal my intentions when I talk to women. In fact, I do my best to act totally disinterested and unaffected by them. To the outsider I probably seem pretty cool. Or gay.

Why would anyone waste their time on someone who is giving them every indication that they have no interest in them? Usually they just end up feeling stupid or uncomfortable and give up in frustration. h:

Being cool isn't about not revealing your intentions, it's about revealing them the right way. You have to flirt and show interest, otherwise you won't get anywhere.

But I would be willing to bet that this isn't even your problem. Your problem is probably that you're too depressed to make anyone excited about being with you. Girls in their early 20s can actually put up with a lot of shit (their tolerance to it decreases with age) but even they need to feel like your relationship isn't just going to be them being dragged down by your negativity all the time.

Even one night stands at least want to feel like they're going to have fun, or go on an adventure, or do something wild. If you're too depressed to be fun, too low-key or ordinary to offer adventure and too benign to spark any sort of thrill, then your only real options are the people who are okay with listening to you complain about your problems and be cynical about everything whenever you're not using them for sex, ie: prostitutes or girls with very very low self-esteem.

Your problem is probably similar to what prevented me from getting laid when I was your age-- you're so sure you know how reality works and so caught up in your own bullshit that you don't even realize that you're socially hamstringing yourself on a daily basis.

My advice is: go to a mirror, look in it, and tell yourself over and over that you don't have all the answers, you don't really understand the world you're living in, and that you desperately need to grow up.

Life doesn't end in your 30s-- that's absurd. There is no set narrative that everyone needs to follow if they don't want to be a loser. YOU are the one who decides what kind of life you want, not the media or your parents or whoever it is who is telling you that you need to do this this and this if you want to belong to society/the human race.

I'm not sure if you'll listent to this or not, but at least I got to vent.

 

[Catalyst]

Why would anyone waste their time on someone who is giving them every indication that they have no interest in them? Usually they just end up feeling stupid or uncomfortable and give up in frustration. h:

Being cool isn't about not revealing your intentions, it's about revealing them the right way. You have to flirt and show interest, otherwise you won't get anywhere.

But I would be willing to bet that this isn't even your problem. Your problem is probably that you're too depressed to make anyone excited about being with you. Girls in their early 20s can actually put up with a lot of shit (their tolerance to it decreases with age) but even they need to feel like your relationship isn't just going to be them being dragged down by your negativity all the time.

Even one night stands at least want to feel like they're going to have fun, or go on an adventure, or do something wild. If you're too depressed to be fun, too low-key or ordinary to offer adventure and too benign to spark any sort of thrill, then your only real options are the people who are okay with listening to you complain about your problems and be cynical about everything whenever you're not using them for sex, ie: prostitutes or girls with very very low self-esteem.

Your problem is probably similar to what prevented me from getting laid when I was your age-- you're so sure you know how reality works and so caught up in your own bullshit that you don't even realize that you're socially hamstringing yourself on a daily basis.

My advice is: go to a mirror, look in it, and tell yourself over and over that you don't have all the answers, you don't really understand the world you're living in, and that you desperately need to grow up.

Life doesn't end in your 30s-- that's absurd. There is no set narrative that everyone needs to follow if they don't want to be a loser. YOU are the one who decides what kind of life you want, not the media or your parents or whoever it is who is telling you that you need to do this this and this if you want to belong to society/the human race.

I'm not sure if you'll listent to this or not, but at least I got to vent.

lolz. oh look... it's another guy who thinks he has it all figured out just because he's older. Your arrogance is amusing.

You think you can walk all over me just because I'm depressed? It's not gonna work buddy.