The confusing thoughts in my head

[Iseesky]

So...I guess this is my journal. Yay! I hope people read it. I want to get feedback...That's how I improve. But, I also don't want to clog the boards with a bunch of topics either. I don't know. We'll see how it goes.

Sooo...Basically...I'm done school for summer. I'm not sure where I'm at. I'm in college and I think I've pretty much decided on being an elementary school teacher. I'm satisfied with that. It's never a dull moment when you're around children. Anyway...I haven't been in school since mid April. And, I won't be going to school again until beginning of Sept. So, LOTS of free time! I probably won't get a job. I might, but I don't know.

This is where I'm at right now...

I like my life. I'm lucky to have what I have. My parents are great. My siblings are annoying, but entertaining and always there for me. I have money to go to school and I have the resources to live a good life.

With that said...I want more than I currently have. I do have friends, but I don't really feel that I have a good relationship with them. I basically have 4 friends. 2 of them are quite distant. We'll go out for lunch every couple of months...And I love them dearly. They've never done me wrong. And then I have 2 other friends. These friends I talk to much more frequently. As in...Everyday or every few days. These friends have done things that make me doubt them. I don't feel like I have a lot in common with them. I think our personalities are similar, but I don't think our interests are that similar. If that makes sense? Idk. I'm very carefree and childish and outdoorsy. They're very girly and adult-like and like to club and drink.

And that's okay with me. But, I'd like to meet new people. I'm from a small town in Canada. Not small small...But small enough that everyone knows everyone and everyone knows everyones business! Though, don't get me wrong...I like living in a small town. But, I'm trying to move on. Trying to change. And it's really hard to change and be more open when everyone sees you as 'that girl who didn't really talk in high school.'

I want to go...Get away. I LOVE travelling. Whether it be taking a ferry to the nearest island...Or taking a plane and going to Mexico. Everything is different and there's so much to learn and see and do and most importantly...nobody knows who you are! I feel uninhibited. Well...Until I see a really cute boy and then all of my confidence goes out the window!

Sooo...I sort of have what is known as 'wanderlust.' I feel like I need to do something to shock my system. Get me out of my comfort zone a bit. I know of people who are park rangers and travel in the summer to some random province/state and live there for a few months before returning back home. I can imagine they'd meet tons of people who do the same thing and have lots of fun. And...I like the idea of it. Though, I certainly think it's a bit too much social interaction...Being a park ranger, I mean. And it requires education.

But, something along those lines, you know? To spend a summer somewhere else. Maybe somewhere fairly close to home, but far enough away that you don't know anyone.

I feel like it would force me into situations I'm not comfortable with. I wouldn't be comfortable not sleeping in my own bed at night...I wouldn't be comfortable having to stay in a room with another person or multiple people. But, it would be an experience.

Sooo...Yeah. I just want to go.

Bolded words highlighted because I think it makes the text easier to look at. Kind of breaks it up a bit. I don't know.

 

[Iseesky]

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Little brother's high school grad dance is tomorrow. Obviously I have to be there. I want to be there. But, that also means that I'll have to see older siblings that I went to school with. :| Can't wait for the awkward moments of being called the wrong name. I'll just be behind my camera taking pictures as everyone mingles. As long as I look good and feel good...I'll be okay.

 

[Iseesky]

A hug would be pretty sweet right now. From a boy. A really sweet boy.

Sometimes weddings are romantic...Sometimes they make you remember your lack of a love life...Sometimes they're both. :|

 

[Phoenixx]

A hug would be pretty sweet right now. From a boy. A really sweet boy.

^ I'm not a boy, but I'm giving you a hug anyway because it seems like you need one. *hugs* ^-^

I see you recently went to your little brother's grad dance. How was it?

 

[Iseesky]

^ I'm not a boy, but I'm giving you a hug anyway because it seems like you need one. *hugs* ^-^

I see you recently went to your little brother's grad dance. How was it?

Awww thanks! You're too kind! =]

It went really well! Thanks for asking. Talked to lots of parents that I haven't seen in awhile, didn't have to talk to any of the people I went to school with (yay!) and just generally didn't have a whole lot of anxiety once I got there. Sooo, that's always good!

 

[Iseesky]

I think one of my friends is going through the same thing I am. But, she's not as open about it. She's mentioned it before, but always said that social anxiety is something far worse than what she experiences. I really don't think it is. All I know is that she's very distant. She always has been...But, moreso now. I've confronted her before and suggested many things to her. I've even given her the link to this site and another. I don't know whether she bothered to look. I don't think she has. In certain ways she's worse off than I am...And I've found comfort and strength in this site. Either way, I can't keep dragging her along when she doesn't want to anything to do with it. It's time that I leave her be. If she wants to spend time with me or anyone else, she can come to us on her own time when she's ready. I need to look out for myself. I've done all I can for her.

 

[dean01]

not really a boy anymore but heres your hug (((((((hug)))))))) xx

 

[Iseesky]

not really a boy anymore but heres your hug (((((((hug)))))))) xx

*hug accepted*
Thanks!

 

[Iseesky]

There should be a law that states that everyone you're associated with has to make a list of the things they like and don't like about you. Less important being the things they don't like. I want to know what they do like. Sometimes I genuinely don't know why a person likes me. I'm a nice person, but there has to be more to it than that...Right? Why would a smart, funny, handsome, outgoing person like him hang out with someone so dependant, shy and average?

 

[Iseesky]

Maybe, because you're a bit quiet, he doesn't find you as intimidating

That could be it! And that's kid of nice, I guess. He doesn't seem like the type of guy who gets intimidated by anyone. Though, I don't know him (or didn't know him) enough to judge.

 

[Falkor]

Nice journal, you are inspiring, i like your writing

It's funny, I want to travel to Canada someday, and you want to travel outside Canada ::, well it is a nice step to abroad your company :] You will meet new people, and new cultures.

So what are you going to do until September? You might plan a vacation in summer-holidays, or go camping with friends? :]

My school starts too, in September. It is not fun to wait, I wish I could start any sooner, but I gotta be pattient.

Friends can be quite distant, if you don't have many things in common, I can relate. I always had to take iniative to see them or write a message on their wall, or send a txt message, always seem busy, while they get loads of posts of other people and write them back. So, I think those people are just too busy in mind. I don't know if you have the same prob though, but this was very frustrating to me, so I stopped writing, and they never wrote me.
Real friends huh? -.-

I'm glad you have 2 friends you DO got things in common with and see often.

Oh and maybe you can go to Vancouver-pride this August? You could meet a lot of people^_^ and it is a great step for your SA fight, right?
(I don't know if it's close to you, but it is in Canada so)
and it's the most friendly place in the world, so.

Hey I'm looking forward to your next journal!~

 

[carecrab]

I like my life. I'm lucky to have what I have.

This is good, it's good to be positive and be happy about the things you have, instead of what you don't.

I do have friends, but I don't really feel that I have a good relationship with them.

I feel ya. Have the same thing, 5 close friends but it's like if it were up to them we'd probably not see each other (that often). While with my closest friend i can really tell anything to, and i now that he cares and all.

Well...Until I see a really cute boy/girl and then all of my confidence goes out the window!

Same here


About the traveling that's really cool. I can imagine you wanting to explore the world, and to just be carefree. I really hate society's pressure. As in.. you're not really allowed to just do nothing i suppose. Ah that'be great.

 

[Iseesky]

Nice journal, you are inspiring, i like your writing ...(cont.)

Oh thanks! That's so nice of you to say!
Haha, Canada really is a beautiful place. I actually decided today (after many years of wanting to start a new life elsewhere) that I want to stay here...Particularly in BC. We have everything!

I really don't know what I'll do until September. I'd like to hang out with my friends more...But, the one that I hang out with most is going to school and will more than likely be getting a job in the next few days...Not to mention she has a boyfriend who she wants to spend time with. I'll probably just spend my time doing day trips with my family and doing artsy things (painting, drawing, photography...etc).

I'm so impatient as well! I LOVE the first week or so of school. I love getting the outline in each class of what we'll be learning and I love using my new notebooks and paper. I'm actually going to start researching my classes to try to learn some things before they start. lol

Yeah, my friends do that sometimes. One friend in particular, but I think she's going through a tough time lately. She doesn't tend to talk about it, though, so I can't do much to help her! It must be pretty frustrating for you. My goal as of right now is find more people to be friends with. I always get the feeling that nobody would want to be my friend. Everyone has their little group already and I feel like I'd be intruding and unwanted!

That's actually a good idea! And very close to where I am. :] I've seen lots of pictures from people who've been in the past and it looks like a fun time.

Nice talking with you!

 

[Iseesky]

This is good, it's good to be positive and be happy about the things you have, instead of what you don't.

I feel ya. Have the same thing, 5 close friends but it's like if it were up to them we'd probably not see each other (that often). While with my closest friend i can really tell anything to, and i now that he cares and all.

Same here

About the traveling that's really cool. I can imagine you wanting to explore the world, and to just be carefree. I really hate society's pressure. As in.. you're not really allowed to just do nothing i suppose. Ah that'be great.

I think it is too...It sure is hard sometimes, though! lol But, I think it's easy to find something to be happy about, even if it's just a good movie on tv or something like that!

Yeah, that's too bad. It sucks to feel unimportant. I think that's one of my least favourite things...To feel like nobody cares about what you have to say. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have the select few people who do care. I think I'd be a lot more withdrawn.

Exactly! But then I think that I wouldn't like doing nothing. I like that I have a goal to work towards. I like going to school. Ideally, I'd go to school for 8 months out of the year and then travel to different places and countries the other 4 months. That would be perfect to me!

 

[Iseesky]

I have an awful crush on this boy...And I've had it since I was 11. I'm 20 as of right now.

He's just perfect in every way.

I'm regretting not talking to him more. By the time I became more confident in myself and starting talking to him, it was too late and we graduated high school and now go to different colleges. I've thought about adding him on Facebook, but he only adds his closest friends and I'd feel silly disrupting that.

I just had so many chances. I don't know whether he liked me or not, but I think if I talked to him like a normal human being he would have liked me. I think we had/have a lot in common.

Half of me is saying that it's too late...Half of me is saying that I'll run into him at the train one day and we'll start talking randomly. I don't know.

I wouldn't mind so much if he wasn't this amazing person who's smart, funny, cute, kind, athletic and just every positive thing you can think of.

 

[Bittersweet]

There should be a law that states that everyone you're associated with has to make a list of the things they like and don't like about you.

I know, right? I would totally go for a law like that. It would do me a world of good to know how to improve myself and be a better person to everyone around me.

 

[CosmicNeurotica]

I know, right? I would totally go for a law like that. It would do me a world of good to know how to improve myself and be a better person to everyone around me.

This is the problem I feel I have.
Because people like to be too nice. Tell me what I do wrong. In your opinion, what should I change? Help me out here. Don't let me keep thinking I sing good and then turn up on american idol and look like a fool!

Everyone needs that outside opinion

 

[Iseesky]

I know, right? I would totally go for a law like that. It would do me a world of good to know how to improve myself and be a better person to everyone around me.

This is the problem I feel I have.
Because people like to be too nice. Tell me what I do wrong. In your opinion, what should I change? Help me out here. Don't let me keep thinking I sing good and then turn up on american idol and look like a fool!

Everyone needs that outside opinion

Exactly! People are far too sensitive.

 

[Iseesky]

Another bout of depersonalization. :| I hate it. I'd rather have that sick feeling in my stomach than depersonalization. It's a difficult thing to explain to someone who's never experienced it before. I remember my first episode. Definitely triggered by a stressful event. But, this episode didn't seem to be triggered by anything at all...It just happened. That scared me.

It's the worst. It's so strange. It's amazing how you can continue a conversation with someone and at the same time have no clue what that person is saying and have no clue what you're saying back all while trying to figure out what the hell's going on.

I hope I remember to see if there's a thread on depersonalization in the morning.

 

[Iseesky]

Being ignored is such a terrible feeling. Especially when you've always been really close to the person. Close enough that she used to call you her sister.
Things are obviously not how they once were.
We've invited her to various places with us and she's always busy. Always seems to make time for her family and various boys that she goes on dates with. And I just saw on facebook that she's been contacting other friends from school.

She's become a completely different person. I don't know who she is anymore. I don't know what she's been doing for the past 2 months. The things I do know have been told to me by the friend she texts on ocassion.

*sigh*

I need to stop worrying about it. I need to realize that sometimes people go away and it's for the best. I don't like change.

I don't want to go back to school and see her again and have things go back to how they were. I don't want her to be off the hook. She knows I'm not pleased...And lord knows that I'm very rarely not pleased!

I need to talk to her, but it seems almost impossible. I can't arrange something with her, sit around waiting and have her cancel on me at the last minute.