Sophie's Sanctuary

[Secretsophie]

I'm very new to this site, but I want to jump right in. I feel like I've been searching for a place like this since I started feeling...different. I'm going to use this thread as a diary/journal/a place to record special thoughts and motivational moments. This way people (if they would like to) can get to know me. Comments or anything like that are welcome from anyone friendly

Monday, April 4, 2011

It was a very mundane morning, I woke up tired and disappointed like I do every morning, I waited around for my ride like I do every morning, and I went to go get my coffee at McDonald's like I do every morning. School started at 9 and class was as uneventful as it can get in that school.

I can't be sure due to lack of experience, but I think one of the students I don't see a lot was trying to engage me in a conversation. I should have at least tried to be responsive. I'll try harder tomorrow. I'm doing better than the week before though, I had an entire 40 minute conversation with my classmates (the three of us) about a teacher we dislike, about our future expectations, and even about some of our unrealistic dreams. It shocked me when I started giggling when someone started dancing and humming a song when the teacher stepped out.

I'm also getting more comfortable when a student sits next to me, depending on who it is. Someone put his hands on my shoulders on Friday and I almost started crying, I'm not exactly sure why. It sent me over the edge to be touched by someone who I barely considered a friend. Thankfully, it was over in a few seconds and no one noticed my discomfort.

During the last half hour of school I started feeling very anxious. I know why at least. I was feeling stressed out about my school work, it all felt so hard and I felt like everyone around me was expecting me to do well. Because I started feeling anxious about my work, I started thinking that people would start noticing my breathing, the way I was sitting, everything. It's like a snowball that I can't stop once it starts. I need to let it roll down the hill until it stops on it's own, no matter how long it takes. If anyone tries to interrupt during my anxiety attack it just gets worse. I don't know how to stop this.

I came home at around 2 O'clock, had some chicken and watched re-runs of law and order special victims.

Now it's 4:08, just finished watching the last episode for the day. I'll update once I'm in bed I guess, or if nothing happens, I won't write at all.

Later that night...

I took care of my two dogs (Shay and Stretch), watched some nature shows, and tried to talk to my dad about needing some money. It ended up with screaming, crying, and then a lot of anger.

I'm going to sleep now, tomorrow will be a better day.

 

[DespairSoul]

Hello Secretsophie,

Nice to meet u and welcome by Spw

I was reading your journal for today. I'm sorry to hear that u felt so badly anxious. I hope u will doing better tomorrow. Yumi coffee from Mc donald i would like have one too? Well i'm barely able go buy stuff u are brave for doing it every mornig

About Michael? U said u was touched by it what he done and he isn't friend at all? Maybe he likes u more as u think. Many times we see a lot of stuff so negative that we don't see the truth which we have right the way in front of face.

Good luck tomorrow. Enjoy your coffee.

 

[Secretsophie]

Hi Dispairsoul,

maybe I should have put a little asterisk at the bottom :: I've known everyone at my school for about a year, kind of talk every day. I think that most people would consider each other friends. I doubt that he 'like likes' me, even if he did, it would still make me uncomfortable.

I go get coffee because that's the only time i have (during school) to be sort of alone. It calms me down I hope you have a good day (today and tomorrow), and thanks for the advice

 

[DespairSoul]

Hi Dispairsoul,

maybe I should have put a little asterisk at the bottom :: I've known everyone at my school for about a year, kind of talk every day. I think that most people would consider each other friends. I doubt that he 'like likes' me, even if he did, it would still make me uncomfortable.

I go get coffee because that's the only time i have (during school) to be sort of alone. It calms me down I hope you have a good day (today and tomorrow), and thanks for the advice

I know everyone talk and consider each other as friends but not people with SA (wait some people with SA can have friends too don't take me wrong but i mean is very hard hold any relationship with "Non-SA"). Well i dwell all the time i don't have friends and i feel down coz of it but truth is i'm not able hold friendships and relationships as "normal" human being because i'm scared of it and uncomfortable. It's hard trust to people and find real friends.

Thank u for wishes and u are welcome.

 

[Secretsophie]

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I surprised my self this morning, I woke up and felt refreshed. I think that writing down my feelings on my first post really lifted some of the weight off of my shoulders. I was excited to go to school and see people who I realize are friends, or at least acquaintances. I had a brief ten minute freak out when I realized I didn't have the proper 'feminine hygiene' products ::. That was solved quickly and I was on the same happy path to school as I was when I woke up.

Sometimes I feel like people around me purposely test my anxiety and fears just to see if it's enough to fully knock me down. My class changed. I don't have a problem with most of the people in my class, but there are two people in particular that I asked the principle not to put me with. One of them starts arguments about everything and anything. He creates the most distractions and drama in the entire school. The second person dislikes me for some reason, she made that very clear on my very first day. Not only were the people in my class changed, but so was my schedule. First thing in the morning I'm stuck with a teacher who despises me. I'm not being paranoid or dramatic, he hates me. Everyone else in the class can literally be jumping off walls, screaming and talking about god knows what, but the minute I pull out a crossword book or anything like that he freaks.

The happy attitude I had in the morning disappeared in a heart beat. Every time I stopped working I started analyzing everything. The worst thing I thought to myself was that someone from the class I used to have asked me to leave. No one else had to switch classes, why was I the only one? I can't work up the courage to ask any of the teachers, even though they know how much I hate being in the class I am now.

There is an upside to this new arrangement at least, two actually. The first is that now (if no commotion is happening) I can really get down to it and do my work (I've been having trouble concentrating on my work lately). The second is that the friends I made in the class before are still my friends, we haven't stopped talking. During classes I'll occasionally see an old classmate walk by and he/she will make me laugh or smile at least and during the short time we have in between classes we'll talk. Maybe I can make friends with the other two students and learn that sometimes I'll have to do, or be with someone, that I don't want to.

When I got home I spent some time with my little sister. We made bead things and just spent time talking. We usually don't get along, she's only two years younger and is the complete opposite of me. We have our moments though and today was one of them. Our social worker who comes once in a while stepped in at around 4 o'clock. I asked my father if I could go to a weight loss camp in the summer. I said in my first post that he had a problem with petty change, well, imagine me asking him for three thousand dollars. I've never asked for an expensive luxury/necessity before and I really feel this is something I need to feel confident when I go to uni next year. My brain was telling me that he was going to freak out and get angry, but my heart really expected him to at least listen and try to understand. As usual, my head was right.

Sometimes I feel so responsible for the family arguments. Ever since I was a little kid I've been making waves. First I started missing a lot of school, then my anxiety, then my depression, and now money problems (which we don't have AT ALL). My mother immediately started sticking up for me (when we were talking to my father). She pulled me aside later and assured me that she agreed with my points (I made a pros/cons list and basically an essay on why I should be able to go) and said I would go no matter what.

Both of my dogs fell asleep on me while I watched The Biggest Loser, which was cute at first but then uncomfortable. Dogs really make the best friends. No matter how you look or feel they will always be excited to see you and to make you feel better. There are only a few things in my life that can make me smile instantly; my baby niece, music, and my dogs.

Now I'm in bed, getting ready to shut everything off. All in all, today wasn't what I expected it to be in the morning, but I survived fairly well.

 

[Secretsophie]

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Nothing out of the norm happened today, not yet anyways (it's 7:02PM right now). Very boring. Currently I'm searching for some music to lift my spirits.

Actually, today I applied once again for a job. It took me awhile to finally decide to do it. I have tiny debates in my head all the time, doubting my decisions and choices, contemplating consequences, all of the bad things that could happen with each choice. Then I pick the choice with the least cons. Kind of twisted, but twisted has become the norm for me. I applied at McDonald's, apparently there's this huge thing about them hiring a lot of people on April 18. True or false, I'm not sure. I applied anyways. An extra income would be nice.

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Nothing out of the norm happened today, not yet anyways (it's 7:02PM right now). Very boring. Currently I'm searching for some music to lift my spirits.

Actually, today I applied once again for a job. It took me awhile to finally decide to do it. I have tiny debates in my head all the time, doubting my decisions and choices, contemplating consequences, all of the bad things that could happen with each choice. Then I pick the choice with the least cons. Kind of twisted, but twisted has become the norm for me. I applied at McDonald's, apparently there's this huge thing about them hiring a lot of people on April 18. True or false, I'm not sure. I applied anyways. An extra income would be nice.

The fact that you DID this, APPLIED - and didnt let the evil SA Angel win, is big. Now it's outta your hands, whatever happens, you had a victory by applying.

 

[Secretsophie]

The fact that you DID this, APPLIED - and didnt let the evil SA Angel win, is big. Now it's outta your hands, whatever happens, you had a victory by applying.

You're right I didn't look at it like that, but I should. Thanks

 

[DespairSoul]

Hello Sophie,

I'm glad u was feeling uplifted at 5.April 2011. No matter wasn't lasting whole day even small victory counts!

About school:

Remember there will be always someone who likes u and who don't likes you. If two students don't like so what, don't like them either? We try so hard to fit with anyone and everywhere that we are bothered even with two people what don't like us or don't give positive input (at least i can't talk about anyone is like that with SA at least i feel that way because i'm hypersensitive about anything *sigh*)
So is live some likes us and some one not. But is hard coz paranoia always increase anytime if someone say something "negative" towards i know

Oh yeah correct i think u can make friends i think u "hell do Sophie'

Very brave u said your dad about "camp" i think is good idea and u will have fun there too with others i think? U will maybe make also some new friends That would be very nice! Well maybe if u promise u will try hard in school and do anything what dad will say?Ok not anything but literally "anything" like help on garden, or have better greats in some subjects.Maybe he will agree. Well but you say your family don't have money at all now maybe u can think something cheaper out for now? Some other program which don't cost so much money. Maybe is some other camp or other community what offer similar program about losing weight?

Doggies yes animals are great and u are right they are always happy if they see u "true friends". I'm lover of animals by myself. Now i don't have any but i had before a lot! Now is for me harder with SA take care about myself and animal will be other So i know it sounds not much nice but my fear is stronger.

U are very brave u applied for "job" that's very hard part only this u did is victory yes i agree with above comment Good luck by it and thumbs up!

 

[Secretsophie]

Despairsoul,

you're right about the small victory, I woke up feeling good. That should have been good enough, that's what I should have focused on the entire day. Thank you for making me realising that I've only been here a couple days and I already feel better.

My family is actually good in the money department, my parents own an independent business and they've done amazingly. That's why it hurt/hurts me so much to know that my dad has the money but doesn't want me to go. He was raised in a very poverty struck time, so I understand that. But you'd think that a parent would want better for their children. I might go with you're suggestion though and find a place closer/less expensive. It's just so hard for me to give up on something I want.

I think you made a good decision (not having any animals). If you can't take care of yourself, it's better to let someone else give that animal a good home (not that yours isn't).

 

[Luke1993]

Welcome Sophie, nice sanctuary!

You NEED to update us on this job! Keep up the good work!

 

[Secretsophie]

Thursday, April 7, 2011

I went to school and didn't talk to anyone, not because I felt anxious but because there wasn't anyone there. I could hear my old class laughing and having a good time down the hall, it made me sad. I wish so badly to be back there! I feel like throwing a fit at the teachers and demanding a reason for why they moved me! But, I haven't had a temper tantrum in some time and I'd like to keep it that way. I will NOT let something that is out of my control keep me from having a good day, week, month, year, or life.

It's easier said than done though, huh?

My younger sister has been at home for a week now with the flu, and I've had just about enough of her complaining. I said in an earlier post that we had a moment, well, like i said those are few and far apart. All she does is complain about her near perfect life! She's fifteen, yet she acts like she's five! My mother doesn't help the matter by babying her.

Today, when she said a rude comment (that I will not share due to explicit language and just the plain meanness of it) I exploded. I said everything and anything hurtful I could. I know I shouldn't have, but I just can't take her anymore! She is exactly the kind of girl that intimidate and make fun of me in class, I do NOT need that in my house! Somewhere that I feel the most at ease has became a hated place because of her. I've tried to talk to her about it and try to make her understand that I'm happy about her popularity and stunning good looks, but when she says mean things it makes me feel more sad and depressed. She laughs in my face every time. I am the one who took care of her for almost a year when my mother was absent, I am the one who makes sure that she doesn't get hit by a car when she runs in the streets, and I am the one she uses when she wants something our mother says no to. It's so hard for me to ignore her because I feel so responsible for her.

I've been sheltered in my room since 2pm (it's 9:32pm now). I'm starting to get hungry but I'm afraid of running into her. I need to talk to my mother about her and figure something out. If I can deal with my sister I feel like I can deal with anything.

I will update on the job it's only been a day though, but hopefully soon! Fingers crossed!! I'm a little nervous, I didn't realise that it would be a very social job. I think I'll be ok once I get going, but at first it's going to be hell. I'll get through it though.

 

[agoraphobickatie]

i just wanted to say i love your name! whenever i have a baby, if it's a girl, i want to name her sophie grace

and i think the diary things is a great idea! best wishes to you!

 

[Secretsophie]

Friday, April 8, 2011

Today was an off/on kind of day. I didn't wake up feeling all too horrible, but during the five hours of sleep I had a pimple formed on my face and I didn't notice until I was at school. I spent the rest of the day trying to hide my face. That might not sound hard, but it is when people are asking you questions, sitting across from you, and you have to talk. It didn't go to bad though, I wasn't feeling overly anxious, I think people without SA would feel embarrassed about a pimple, right?

My sister finally sent to school, thank god. Me and my mom spent a little bit of time together, I walked our dogs, and then I fell asleep. I usually don't sleep during the day for two reasons. First, the blinds in my room SUCK so it's bright in my room. Second, I used to sleep all the time when I was depressed and I'm worried if I start again I'll become depressed. But I think I'm getting the flu that my sister had because my throat hurts and I'm sneezing like hell. Whatever.

I've been listening to Britney Spears all day. Most of her music is very up beat and happy, easy to sing along to. I'm becoming obsessed with her new album ::

Nothing else really happened. I still haven't heard back from McD's, but that's expected. I'll start to worry in a week or so.

I usually bite my nails (when I'm nervous, bored, or when I'm feeling anxious) but I've been making a real effort not to. It's been about a week with a few slip ups, but several of my nails are getting longer then they've been in awhile. It's kind of annoying, but I know that once I get them done I'll be proud of myself.

Agoraphobickatie, I like my name too It's actually Sophia, but I prefer Sophie. I've always kind of resented that my parents named me that though, because I would love to name my baby that. Too bad I guess

 

[Secretsophie]

Saturday, April 9, 2011 (Yesterday)

I caught my sisters cold. I am 100% sure now. That's why I didn't write at all, I spent most of my time sneezing, coughing, complaining, or sleeping. That's all that happened yesterday.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Still sick, sicker then I felt in a long time. I always wish that I get sick so that I can sleep and get sympathy, but it really sucks. I feel like someone snuck into my head and filled it with a bunch of sand. My throat feels so dry and scratchy, I think I'm losing my voice. That's alright, I don't talk much.

Besides being sick, the whole 'not-biting-your-nails' thing is working out. I've restrained myself. I'm not sure how long I've been doing this, but they are getting longgg. I put nail polish on today because I was feeling weaker and thought to myself "it would be so easy to just bite them...". So I painted them a shiny silver color.

In other news besides myself, my mom's birthday is in a couple days. I'm trying to think of something to get her, but I'm not sure. On valentines day I got her a silver Tennis bracelet and she really liked it, but she wanted a gold one. The gold one is around $1000+, and the silver one was only around $500. I don't have a job, all of the money that I save is from lying to my dad. I tell him I'm going out with a friend, on a school trip, whatever I have to do to get some money. I don't feel bad about that either, it's not like I'm using that money to buy drugs or anything bad, I just like that now if I ever want/need something I have some money.

If anyone has any ideas about what I should get her then let me know, because I'm puzzled. I'm going to make her a handmade card (I'm decent at drawing) and I was thinking maybe collecting a bunch of things she likes and putting them in a gift basket thing.

Every night at around the same time (10:00pm-ish) our neighbors that live right in front of us get home. I'm not some creepy stalker, but I like to keep my window open and I just happen to see it. Anyways, they get home and then go inside straight upstairs (I can tell form the on/off lights). The bedroom (I'm assuming bedroom) light stays on for almost two hours every night, and then shuts off, but the tv stays on. All I can think when I see this is "Don't they work? Why are they getting home so late? Aren't they tired? Do they go out every night after work?"

Then I think to myself, "It's none of my business and if I had a life I wouldn't care."

 

[Secretsophie]

Monday, April 11, 2011

I finally got the chance to sleep in! For the past two weeks or so I've been waking up super early because of the dogs. Well, this morning I got up and my mom came down a second later and told me to back to bed. I wasn't expecting to just fall asleep, but I did. I woke up sometime around 1:30pm - 2:00pm. I felt SO much better after all that sleep. I'm still sick-ish, but I'll be able to go to school tomorrow without getting up every two minutes to blow my nose.

Speaking of school, this is just kind of me thinking since it's never happened to me, but being sick in school would make me feel extremely anxious. When I'm sick, I'm sick. My head hurts, my eyes water, I sneeze constantly, my throat is killing, and to top it all off, I get all pale. I can just imagine the comments/looks I'd get from the other kids and teachers.

It's a gloomy day today, not raining but it seems like it should be. I love the rain, it always makes me feel so calm. Even in thunder storms I like to sit outside and just watch the stormy clouds. When I was younger I would think that I made the sky angry or sad and that's why it was crying. I used to think that the world literally revolved around me. It's sort of funny, I still think like that but in the negative way. I don't think, "Hey, my best friend loves being my friend.". I think, "She's probably angry at me for not calling back or because I canceled plans on her again..". I know that people probably don't care about every move I make, but it sure feels like it.

Ramble ramble ramble. I obviously don't have anything else to do but ramble about nothing.

I was thinking about what will happen next year when I'm confronted with my problems again. I'll been in four different classes a day with basically 40 different students. How many of those students will look at me and think, "I want to get to know her" or "She looks shy, I should say hi". Sadly, not many if any. I mean, teenagers. I hate to group people together, but teenagers are horrible. Most of them aren't interested in knowing me, the inside me. They judge me on my appearance and on my mood. And the ones who aren't like that, well they're just as shy or have an anxiety problem. I can't even start to think about university.

I don't think I'll be going to school tomorrow for three reasons. First, I'm still feeling a bit sick. Second, I haven't done a load of my laundry in almost a week and am feeling way to tired to do it now. Third, I'm too tired to shower. So, I just won't go tomorrow and go back wednesday. I know it's not the best idea, but I just need a little time.

If there was some sort of club for people with SAD or any other anxiety disorder I would probably make an effort to go. I know that a lot of people have worse anxiety attacks than I do, but maybe spending time with people at different stages of SA would give all of us inspiration.. maybe.

I just noticed right now while typing that only one nail has been getting long. Well, a couple of them. Some of them are still short I don't understand that at all. I chewed off all of the nail polish :: but at least I haven't been biting any of my nails. Maybe next week when they're all grown I'll go get a manicure.

When I read this tomorrow, or in a week, or in a month, I need to make sure that I'm doing something every day to make my self happy. Something that will make me happy but not harm me in the process. Today I got a bingo ticket and didn't win. But at least I got something that gave me a bit of hope.

List of things that make me happy:

- Broadway/musical/theatrical songs
- reading a long book and understanding it
- writing a poem or story that I'm proud of
- drawing something that inspires me
- spending time with my baby cousin
- when my dogs sleep beside me
- when I spend time with my mom
- when I dream

That's actually a good list I think. I can do those things every day if I want. I will do at least three of those things every day.

 

[Secretsophie]

Tuesday-Wednesday, April 12-13, 2011

Sick, sick, sick. Boring, boring, boring.

I got my mom a bottle of Guess perfume, some earrings, and The Book Of Awesome. But I did not give them to her yet.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Today is my mom's birthday. It's almost over (it's currently 11:49pm). I gave her the presents I bought for her and she nearly started crying. I gave her a handmade card with it. It made me extremely happy.

Still sick. I thought I was getting better, but nope. Of course not, why would I start feeling better? Because, that's why. Whatever.

Nothing else has really happened. I saw a friend yesterday (too lazy to post it in the ... recap thing above) and we went to a doctors apt for her. It was a long trip, but we had a fairly good time. It was a list minute decision on my part. I already made an excuse (I said I was busy at that time) but she called back and told me that she pushed back the time for the apt. I had to go then, if she would do that for someone she hadn't seen in months. Maybe she just wanted someone to go with her, either way I felt like I had to go. So I went, and hey, I'm not dead. yay.

That's it. Bed time. Night people of spw.

 

[Secretsophie]

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Ahhh...I don't remember what I did yesterday, so I'm not going to make a whole recap thing. But Friday I went out to see a movie with a friend. We saw two actually :: Anyways, it was an all together amazing time. I haven't had that much fun in a long time, and I'm glad I decided to go.

Before I start talking about today, I wanna just say how much I've been feeling alone lately. On Friday in the midst of having an amazing time I started realizing how many people are together. Groups of friends, couples holding hands in corners, and best friends falling over laughing. Friday was the first time in a long time that I felt apart of that, apart of being with someone. I liked it a lot.

Ok, so what happened today...

I went to a wedding shower. It was ok, kind of boring. I spent a lot of my time taking care of my baby cousin, which was fun. Again I started noticing all of the couples around me. I know I'm young, but it's hard not to feel unworthy, ugly, and too socially awkward to find someone to like me. I know that the biggest reason I don't have a lot of friends or a boyfriend is because I don't give people the opportunity. I mean, I go to a school where the most emotion someone feels for me is friendly.

I debated with my self if it was safe to talk about really private things on here. You never know who could be reading this. It could be my mother, or a teacher, or god for bid a student from my class. But I feel like if I don't get it out of my system somewhere then I'll just feel worse. Ok.

So, again, I know I'm young. I know that I will have years and years to experience everything that I want to experience. These days, it seems like teenagers are jumping ahead of their set pace. Girls are losing their virginity at fourteen, and that scares the crap out of me. My younger sister is that age, she could be having sex. Anyways, I know that not all girls are sleeping around and doing drugs, but it seems that way a lot of the time. Sometimes I just want to give in to it all, accept my friends offer when they go to a party or when they start doing drugs.

But I won't. I won't because first, I'd have to trust people that I barely know. No thanks. Second, I have enough problems without having a drug addiction and a fear of getting an STD or getting pregnant. No way. And third, I want to wait to have sex for a man that will want to stay with me afterwards. I'm not saying until marriage, I'm saying until I trust someone completely and if it doesn't work out in the end, fine. But someone I trust with my life.

With that said, I'm not judging anyone who does have sex at a young age, or that does drugs, or blah blah blah. I feel like people are going to do what they are going to do, they are going to learn what they are meant to learn. I know that my bad experiences will make me a better person in the future.

I'm looking forward to seeing my 'friends' tomorrow. I'm beginning to miss them more and more.

 

[Secretsophie]

Thursday, September 1, 2011


It's been a longggg time since I've been on this website. Any social website actually. I'm not really sure what happened.. I just.. stopped. Everything seemed to be going fine, I might even go as far to say good. It really was good. Good for my self esteem, good for my anxiety, good for my social skills, ect. Then I started pushing all of my new 'friends' away.

I didn't realise it at the time, but because I was so focused on making new friends and being apart of the conversations, I wasn't getting any work done. I left all of my Academic History work (20 Lessons = about 3 months of work? One semester [Including a final exam and essay]). Well, to sum that up, I spent about two weeks constantly working.

It was hard to not join in on some of their conversations though. If anyone 30 or up is reading this, I know that people say things haven't changed that much, but I have to disagree. The range of topics that we discussed is crazy. Abortion, our futures, specifics about drugs, sex, books, movies, teachers, music, etc. We could somehow be talking about our favorite movie and find a way to include all of those topics. We just pile on the opinions until the whole class is in an uproar of laughter, shouting, debating, and most importantly, a fine layer of acceptance. That's what I love about a small group setting. In a 'normal' school or class, we wouldn't have given each other a second glance. I would have written off their behaviour as criminal and obscene. They would have looked at me as the weird loner. But all together, we're all just a bunch of kids.

Anyways, that was several long months ago, and I don't have contact with any of them anymore. I wasn't expecting long lasting friendships, actually I didn't really expect any friendship at all. I do miss a select few though, but I can't dwell on my past.

School is starting again in a week or so, and I am freaking out. Surprisingly, not about the people. I am still about a year behind in my classes. I don't know which school I'm going to yet because my social worker and the people at the school board are idiots and are just throwing me anywhere that has room. The principle at my last school wouldn't give me a recommendation for the school I wanted to go to (I think because of my lack of work skills. But that wasn't really fair, in semester 1 I was really on track. They should have talked to me first). I'm going to be stuck at another center of some sort. I might even see some of my past classmates there

I'm nervous about not being prepared for the tasks ahead of me. I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but Math and Science are the two subjects I am horrible at. At the moment learning the work in math or science, I'm fine. I can do the questions asked as long as it is right at that moment when the teacher is explaining. Even when I take detailed notes, I'll go home and have to study or do homework, and it's gone. I just can't understand the same way I do in class. It's literally like it goes in one ear and goes out the other. I'm not afraid of failing, I know that I can pass with about an 80 or so, but I won't remember anything. What will I do in my other math classes? I won't know the work!

I know this post is all over the place, but I don't want to go back and edit. I just want to write down what I'm thinking and feeling. So, here is what I'm feeling at the moment.

Nervous. Anxious. Eager. Sad. Depressed. Worried. Curious. And a little bit hopeful.

I'm going to try and continue posting, I think that helped a lot last year.

 

[Secretsophie]

Thursday, September 1, 2011 (Continue)

Warning ! ! : This post is long, doesn't make any sense, might be boring for some, has not been edited at all, and will leave you thinking, 'what? what is she talking about? Is she ok? Does she know other people can read this and won't know the end of her sentences if she trails off? Does she know how weird this is?' Well, just I know how weird it is. I know that you will be confused. I know that you might pee your pants laughing, depending on if you have a good sense of humor. Good luck if you decide to venture out and read this.

Because I did miss out on writing these past months, I'm going to just write about the important things that happened (well, when you have SA, every little thing is dramatic and important, isn't it?).

I ended up going to camp, although not the specific one I picked out, one similar. The price range was the same, but it was just a better program (or so I thought!) I went July 3rd and came home August 1/2/3? I'm not sure. So, the website made it look and sound like a total resort. I mean, they said they had a lake and a beach, different varieties of food for every meal, group bonding activities, campfires, etc. Ok. They had a pond. No joke. There wasn't any circulating water, and that's just gross. After having 500 girls or so swim in that water without any kind of...cleaning? THAT'S GROSS. Maybe it was just me though, because the other girls were into it. Literally

Once my mother left me at the train station once I was picked up by the... well.. she isn't a counselor, she's like.. almost a manager I guess? It's hard calling her that, because she literally lives in the camp. Like... she has a trailer and even when the camp is over she lives there until moving to another secluded area to teach skiing or something. She is a hardcore outdoors girl. If she wasn't so laid back I would say she had SA herself. Anyways, like I was saying, Ashley (the outdoorsy girl), or 'shlee' as she would like to be called, and about.. 4/5 other girls were packed into that van. It was packed. To the brim. Before I even put my five bags in. Imagine yourself in that situation. A 'normal' person would feel awkward at that moment, imagine me! Imagine someone with anxiety! Luckily, we managed to squeeze all my crap in. And again, luckily for me, because I was the last girl they had to pick up, I was seated in the passenger seat! YES! I was so relieved. If I didn't know better, I would think my mom called ahead and made sure of it. She might have, actually. The girls were all really nice to me, but I was crying and being quiet me. They opened me up actually, once we went to dinner with Shlee. We were too late to go back to the camp for dinner, so as a treat of the camp, we went to a restaurant. The other girls were pumped, but I was feeling too homesick and crowded that it didn't even register. The girls already knew each other, and were already forming friendships. I could see it happening so clearly. I feel like if I engaged my self right then, I could have been included in those long lasting friendships. Not that they ignored me or shunned me at all, they were all lovely, nice, amazing girls.

We went on a 22K (total, 11 there, 11 back) hike. It was mostly on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere, but we did have to trench through the forest a bit... ok, there was a path there too, but we did have to climb over some fallen branches/tree trunks and it got kinda muddy on the way back (more on that in a bit..). I was to say the least, miserable. I don't mind walking, I would rather walk then run or do burpees any day, hands down. BUT it was SO hot and sunny out. We all had huge packs on our back consisting of a sleeping bag, sleeping pad, clothing, water bottles, etc.(most of us, some lucky campers got to ride in the truck until the forest part. It was because of injuries, but still! I was itching to just.. 'slip' and sprain my ankle or something) So, I started crying. That is so embarrassing and stupid. I wish I could apologize to the councilors that had to deal with my petty whining. Sorry if any of you are reading this. When we entered the 'forest' I ended up talking to a girl named Christine. She's a few years older then me and was in a cabin with the other older girls. I think it was the first time we really got to talk. She was really nice, and I even told her about some of my school issues, because she confided in me about her university/college and stuff. We arrived at an ACTUAL beach! Shocker. It was brilliant! But, guess what? Because of that walk I was not prepared for (we went on the fourth day? Maybe third?) I got major blisters on both of my ankles. Full out blood all in my sock, around my foot, in between my toes, and in my shoes. Yea. Anyways, I tried ignoring that fact even though they hurt. I changed into my bathing suit and tip toed into the water. HA. I didn't think my sores were hurting and stinging enough before, they sure as eff hurt then. I had to get out of the water! So, I decided to rest my head on my clothing pile and fall asleep for a couple hours. That was nice.

I'm not sure if it was because of my SA or because it was all really rushed and I wasn't paying attention, but it seemed like everyone had constructed who would be sleeping in each tent. No one meant to leave me out, I just didn't include myself. It was my fault. I ended asking a really nice girl, Katie, if I could bunk with her. She is such a great person, really, if I had to name one person that accepted me the most, it would probably be her. Anyways, we talked a bit and fell asleep. When we woke up it was pouring rain. pouring. And my 'waterproof bag' turned out to be not so waterproof once I took out my ipod back at the campsite. Yea, kiss that goodbye. The walk home wasn't so bad, despite the rain. I talked to a couple people on the way back, mostly the counselors because I was lagging behind with them because of my feet (and my laziness, I'm not going to fib).

Let's see... well, we also went on a three day freakin' canoe trip. It doesn't sound so bad, right? Sounds really peaceful and calming right? Right? no. no. no. It looks so easy! All you have to do is row through soft water, trees on either side of you. Again, peaceful, right? no. nope. Nopey-no-nope. It might have been all of those things if we actually learned how to effing canoe BEFORE we went CANOEING! I was the back person, that means I steer for all of you lucky ducks who have never had the pleasure of canoeing. It is really hard for a girl with no upper body strength who is also really afraid of messing up and causing attention to herself. Oh, and a girl who DOESN'T WANT TO BE THE LEADER! Luckily, my partner was really cool about me almost killing us when we went down a pretty big rapid backwards. Totally backwards. While we held onto the sides. Which is a big No-No. We didn't tip. We were safe. No thanks to me. Anyways, I ended up balling my eyes out once again, but less publicly at least. I just cried while attempting to steer the god damn boat. Anyways. Again, I didn't think to set up tent mates. I'm obviously an idiot at this point, I mean, that's ridiculous. I should have had my head in the game (as Troy from High School Musical states, anyways). I was more comfortable with the girls, so I asked around. The tents were full. Really full. I ended up having to sleep in a tent with one of the counselors that I didn't know very well. Great. The next two days I was paired with a counselor (Julia, she was awesome. Didn't even get mad at me when I tipped us..) because I sucked. I was just glad to get back to 'home' aka 'camp' aka 'my personal physical hell'. During the trip though, I did bond with the other girls. Near the end I got switched into Christine's boat (I forget why) and was up at the front, she did an awesome job at the back. We even made it through a couple rapids. Yay Christine!

Geez, this is long. long. long. But, if I'm going to write about what happened, I can't just sum it up into = we went on a hike and a canoe trip.

How boring would that be for you? Not to mention ME when I come back and read these when I'm 70 and living with 530 cats. I can be like, see kitty number 135, this is where it all went wrong. This is the point where I knew that I was destined to breed cats in my basement and become a hoarder and never leave my house. Yes, that was the moment my life took the turn for the best.

I'm crazy.

Anyways.

Ummm... we had a twin day, that was fun.. me and the girl I partnered with probably won, because we went all out. Clothes that matched, hats that matched, bracelets that matched, necklaces that matched, hair that matched, glasses that matched, band aids that matched... everything. OH! I even tied a couple strands of red yarn around my ankle because she had an ankle bracelet. It's still on my ankle, I've been too lazy to cut it off

uuuuhhh.. Oh, on the second last day (when I went home) we had a whole camp event and we did like.. challenges and stuff. Like, a ball throw, running to a section, blindfolded obstacle course that a partner from our team has to lead us through, and a canoe race around the lake where we all had to fit into the canoe (there was four or five of us I think) and use our hands to paddle and steer. And might I just say.. my team won ALL of those events! YESSS! GO WATERMELLON WARRIORS! gosh, I hope some of you girls are on this.

I lost almost twenty pounds in three weeks. Clap clap clap. And I've kept it all off. By doing nothing. Nothing at all. Oh, and eating junk... I'm going to have to change that up before it sneaks up on me.

I'm pretty sure that's all of the 'important' things that happened at camp. Not to mention the crazy workouts and diet. Gag. Diet. Right. I barely ate. They had tons of food, don't get me wrong, but if you didn't know, I'm extremely picky. I wouldn't even call my self picky. I'm OCD about my food. I can't think of ten meals I'll eat that I like. It's insane. I'm insane. They had good food that normal people would like. And the girls did They did so much that they might have snuck a few bites of mine when they weren't looking...

The workouts weren't too hard actually, depending on the instructor. One of the instructors really enjoyed pushing us to our limits. Running running running. Jump Jacks. Burpees. Step classes. Squats. Push ups. Let me just say, exercise is NOT my thing. Ew. I kinda like running though.. maybe. But not in public. So that's interesting. Maybe I'll save up to buy a used treadmill?

If anyone was brave enough to read through all of my nonsense, I think you're just as crazy as I am in a good way

Oh, and if you haven't noticed, I'm in a much better mood since writing about some good things. !