Someone calling you "pathetic"--indirectly

[Bronson99]

In another forum I had been PMing with a woman for a while, talking about a variety of life issues. I was interested in what this person had to say and it seemed like they didn't mind the discussion.

At some point they stopped responding and I thought nothing of it. Just today her boyfriend, another member of that forum, came back with a huge post mentioning someone who was a "pathetic creepy liar" and "manipulative" and "trying to break up his relationship" and so on. With a long list of other things that only someone who knew me better would know.

I knew full well that this woman was the SO of the boyfriend who came back and had no romantic interest with her, but did make a joke that if she ever got single some day, give a call, etc., but I was sarcastic. I have a well-established sense of humor like that but now it appears she took it as some kind of serious offense. Which I really do not understand.

Literally it seems like she just sent all my PMs over to this guy. These were all things that were supposed to be discussed in confidence, and in fact this same woman both seemed trustworthy and said I could trust her!

It's all out war now. I'm thinking about leaving that forum. I've never had anyone come out with such a scathing and hateful discussion about me before, and he thinks he gets away with it because he won't name me and it's indirect.

I'm 100% certain it's about me though and he has not denied it. He is on the good side of most of the mods there, though, so maybe nothing will happen to him.

Not sure what to do here. All I know is what he said was so astonishingly full of ridicule toward me, this REALLY hurts. :sad:

Has anyone else been in this situation?

 

[Hellhound]

It's happened a lot when I've refused to submit. Me trying to get away of a toxic relationship instantly turns me into a traitor. "I shall tell everyone else how bad Hellhound is for hurting me! -trash talks everywhere possible-"

Anyway... maybe you should leave the forum, it doesn't seem to be a friendly place :/

 

[PugofCrydee]

Ask yourself - 'do I really need to be in this (that particular) forum?'
also, you'll only let it bother you if you hang on to it. let it go mate. If you did nothing wrong, let them be, dont respond or try to talk to them. just move on.

 

[Bronson99]

I can sort of relate. Perhaps a little bit. It usually get pretty stressful feeling when it feels like the forum is against you. Can't really trust anyone. I'm pretty sure I had a similar case with a girl awhile back. Though she just disappeared.

Thanks for your support. The user who posted about me is a popular guy in the other forum, and has been the macho "protector" of the forum for a long time, and thus gets away with behavior that would otherwise be bullying. He's into all that cliquey group-dynamics BS; something that me, socially anxious and inept at the same time, does not really understand.

He's now attempting to deflect my accusation that he's talking about me, but like a real insecure dirtbag, he continues with saying "this person is a really pathetic creep, hopefully you are not the person I'm talking about".. blah blah.

At the least it does make me realize just how much cunning, indirect reference to things said privately hurts, when it's all out in the open forum, and then the person denies it was about you. I've done this here to a couple people, albeit in a much softer fashion (although that doesn't excuse it). I offer you my sincere apologies if you read this. This is something I won't be doing ever again (unless someone is outwardly abusive.)

Another thing is now, unfortunately, I have to learn to trust almost no one.. which really makes me sad. It's great to have friends you can trust online, and now because of this dirtbag, I have to be aware that sometimes people who seem trustworthy are not.

 

[jc972]

I'd ask the dude directly if he is talking about you. Put him on the spot. Might be a misunderstanding, might not be.

 

[Bronson99]

Ask yourself - 'do I really need to be in this (that particular) forum?'
also, you'll only let it bother you if you hang on to it. let it go mate. If you did nothing wrong, let them be, dont respond or try to talk to them. just move on.

I don't think I did anything wrong. But I still can't allow this guy to say all that s**t about me. So I will fight, for now.

Some of it reflects slight truth, and that's why it hurts. I've said some things to people perhaps I shouldn't have (and then they've passed that on to this "popular guy who protects the forum") but here's the rub: I was NOT AWARE that what I said was offensive or creepy. I like to fool around and I thought people understood. But it seems they didn't....

My sense of humor is strange, but I never thought it was perceived as creepy. Maybe I should just talk to no one, ever again.

Now I'm thinking: if you are my friend right now, you are secretly laughing at me or creeped out... now it makes me paranoid!

Paranoia kills social skills... I'm paranoid enough as it is.. now I have to dial it up even more...

JC: I'm 99.9% sure he's talking about me. He's used some of the exact words I used in PMs to his girlfriend. I can't really put him on the spot now, though, because the mods warned to stop the commotion and he's blocked my PMs. His girlfriend has also blocked me.

 

[Argentum]

I've been involved in my fair share of forum drama in the past, but it's been years since the last good shitstorm. I stopped sharing on or visiting forums that were prone to drama, extremism, bickering, etc, because I didn't trust what I shared to not become public knowledge or a joke again. Some places attract it, and some places simply don't tolerate it.

I do know how it feels, and I also know that places allowing it to fester aren't supportive environments. Sorry you've had your private matters posted for everyone to pick over.

 

[Kiwong]

Fighting on an internet forum is not worth it. Take a break move on.

 

[Luckylife]

This sounds as tho it could get fairly nasty if you ever met up. Give that forum a 3 month strike and when/if you go back to it, set up a new profile and avoid old members if you can, etc.

 

[theslowesthand]

...but did make a joke that if she ever got single some day, give a call, etc., but I was sarcastic. I have a well-established sense of humor like that but now it appears she took it as some kind of serious offense. Which I really do not understand

I've always had a "dry", hard-to-read sense of humour. So people have often not known whether i was serious or not. Maybe she/him mistook your humour as "serious"? (ie didn't realise you were being sarcastic)

Literally it seems like she just sent all my PMs over to this guy. These were all things that were supposed to be discussed in confidence, and in fact this same woman both seemed trustworthy and said I could trust her!

Or maybe he "found" them, ie via spying on her web communications.

Obviously you've "hit a nerve" with the guy. He obviously thinks you've been hitting-on or at least "grooming" his woman. And his over-protective, territorial ego has kicked-in big-time.

 

[Odo]

You should probably avoid talking about those kinds of things with women who are involved in relationships, especially online where people can't actually hear each other and the 'humor' aspect isn't coming through.

Next time, maybe try finding a single or male friend... you'll have fewer issues.

 

[skins]

It will always bring out the worst behaviour in individuals if they think someone is moving in or has the potential to have an impact on a SO, its human nature (not that what he did is a pleasant thing to do)..also he is also probably trying to gain browny points with his gf by acting like the big tough protector of their love intetest..as for why she would pass on the pms to him is anyones guess..maybe it wad a test to see if he would react, to find out how much he values the relationship...in this case it doesnt sound like she has as much respect for you then she does him

Also you leave yourself open to this sort of attack when you make these type comments (even though a say it as a joke) im not saying you shouldnt say it..just always beware of the risks when you do so

 

[Bronson99]

You should probably avoid talking about those kinds of things with women who are involved in relationships, especially online where people can't actually hear each other and the 'humor' aspect isn't coming through.

Next time, maybe try finding a single or male friend... you'll have fewer issues.

Good point.

I think I've learned my lesson this time, at least.

I was actually worried about talking to this woman for precisely that reason and of course because her boyfriend is on the forum and has a major penchant for "righteous bullying".. as in, he sees himself as some kind of knight in shining armor and he gets away with it, because it is "righteous" or he perceives it as such.

But then I thought to myself: this woman was interested in some of the things I said on the forum, she said she was trustworthy, she's never attacked anyone.. so I just thought screw it, I'll just be myself. Of course we all know how that turned out...

Well, never again.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

That was a really crappy thing for them to do-- should the posts he made be directly related to things you messaged his partner about... but this is the internet and you never really know who a person is or what they are capable of.

... at least you weren't sending his girlfriend naked pictures? XD

 

[Bronson99]

That was a really crappy thing for them to do-- should the posts he made be directly related to things you messaged his partner about... but this is the internet and you never really know who a person is or what they are capable of.

... at least you weren't sending his girlfriend naked pictures? XD

I agree. It's not like I did anything blatantly wrong. Perhaps one or two comments went a little far, but it doesn't even approach the level of abuse.

The only one in the wrong, here, was this j-erk. I hope his girlfriend begins to have second thoughts about being with him.

He really put his insecurity and egotistical, paranoid tendencies on full display, there. One thing I've discovered over the years is that egotism and paranoia go hand in hand...

 

[WalkAlone]

It is quite possible there is no BF and this girl is behind it all. Just cut your losses and put it behind you. It is not worth getting hung up on some nasty game that some psychopathic loser is playing with you.

 

[Bronson99]

It is quite possible there is no BF and this girl is behind it all. Just cut your losses and put it behind you. It is not worth getting hung up on some nasty game that some psychopathic loser is playing with you.

I agree.

But I have strong evidence he is the actual person he says he is. The tone and use of vocabulary between the two of them is very different.