Social inferiority.
- Thread starter Milkdrops
- Start date
Layla
Well-known member
Hi Milkdrops,
I'm freshly new here too, and I can relate to how you feel. As you can see, you're not alone. When i feel shitty like that, I just need to remind myself that that's the way I PERCEIVE the situation, its not neccessarily the reality of it. It really hurts to feel left out, and maybe you do need better friends, but just keep reminding yourself every time you're out with them that any and everything you say or do has just as much validity as what anyone else says or does. I go to the washroom and repeat this to myself when Im having a hard time coping. Just like you, Im sacred to meet new people because I worry I'll get hurt, just cause of so many experiences have been like that. But we must carry on and must face our fears because afterall, living in crippling fear is no way to live.
Don't worry, you are certainly not alone!
take care
I'm freshly new here too, and I can relate to how you feel. As you can see, you're not alone. When i feel shitty like that, I just need to remind myself that that's the way I PERCEIVE the situation, its not neccessarily the reality of it. It really hurts to feel left out, and maybe you do need better friends, but just keep reminding yourself every time you're out with them that any and everything you say or do has just as much validity as what anyone else says or does. I go to the washroom and repeat this to myself when Im having a hard time coping. Just like you, Im sacred to meet new people because I worry I'll get hurt, just cause of so many experiences have been like that. But we must carry on and must face our fears because afterall, living in crippling fear is no way to live.
Don't worry, you are certainly not alone!
take care
Bustedhead
Member
I can somewhat relate to that, but not to that extent really. Like Layla said, it is probably not quite as bad as you perceive it to be. That said, I'm sure it is happening and here are two reasons. 1) Most likely you talk very quietly and with little enthusiasm due to low self confidence. 2) People like to feel energized by other people, unfortunately us social phobes tend to drain people to some extent because of our lack of enthusiasm. I'm not saying this is you, but that could be a couple problems you have.
I too can understand what you say. I believe it is down to the fact that we are quieter and shy and therefore are always on the outside looking in.
I recognise that in any social grouping or even at work in meetings - the people who are confident will speak mostly and be the centre of things.
Confidence is a quality that shows you are assured in yourself, that you are worthy and what you say matters and counts. If you are a well liked person with confidence then what you say will be respected very much and people will converse with you. Whereas you and I - at this moment we are quiet and shy and do not seem to have the confidence to start leading the conversation in front of a group of people and talk with that confidence and because of that I do believe we are seen as somewhat invisible, irrelevant, overlooked.
This one story happened to me and I will never forget it. I had two really good friends from school days and we got on great. I met up with them about 4 years ago after not seeing them for a year. And I did feel really quite anxious and like I didn't know them like I did before, but I tried. But I think the both recognised that I was acting very shy and not very confident, because I realised they were both leading the conversation and when one of them talked, they were about 90% of the time making eye contact with each other - like they felt more comfortable chatting with each other and felt uncomfortable chatting with me. It happened all day and I hated it, but I put it down to my own problems, as I clearly was struggling with my confidence very much back then. I think it just goes to prove what you say though - having a confidence and a real presence does get people respecting you and interested in what you have to say more. Whereas being shy and some what timid - people don't place as much value on them. I know people will disagree but I am just saying from my experience I can relate very much to what milk drops is saying.
The only answer is to overcome this. We can do it!
I recognise that in any social grouping or even at work in meetings - the people who are confident will speak mostly and be the centre of things.
Confidence is a quality that shows you are assured in yourself, that you are worthy and what you say matters and counts. If you are a well liked person with confidence then what you say will be respected very much and people will converse with you. Whereas you and I - at this moment we are quiet and shy and do not seem to have the confidence to start leading the conversation in front of a group of people and talk with that confidence and because of that I do believe we are seen as somewhat invisible, irrelevant, overlooked.
This one story happened to me and I will never forget it. I had two really good friends from school days and we got on great. I met up with them about 4 years ago after not seeing them for a year. And I did feel really quite anxious and like I didn't know them like I did before, but I tried. But I think the both recognised that I was acting very shy and not very confident, because I realised they were both leading the conversation and when one of them talked, they were about 90% of the time making eye contact with each other - like they felt more comfortable chatting with each other and felt uncomfortable chatting with me. It happened all day and I hated it, but I put it down to my own problems, as I clearly was struggling with my confidence very much back then. I think it just goes to prove what you say though - having a confidence and a real presence does get people respecting you and interested in what you have to say more. Whereas being shy and some what timid - people don't place as much value on them. I know people will disagree but I am just saying from my experience I can relate very much to what milk drops is saying.
The only answer is to overcome this. We can do it!
Milkdrops
Member
Thx for the replys so far guys. Jim i think your story about your 2 friends meeting up with you again after those years was interesting I guess because the whole persistent eye contact thing with each other rather than you kind of tells alot. I find myself when in groups the main speaker not often looking at me but looking at the others there telling the story to which sais it all about who's bieng included and who isnt. Seems I am constantly evaluating who's giving me eye contact in social situations and when they arnt I withdraw and go into "social depression" as I call it. I think its very true people dont place as much value on people who are shyer and timid. People prefer to be umong stronger charracters.
Have you noticed that stonger characters seem to be popular with the opposite sex too. They have a presence that people look up to and admire, whereas a shy, quiet person - people look down on.
I do believe that people seem to have a self conscious value on how they are compared to someone else. I know it sounds silly but when you are around a very attractive person or very confident person, etc - you do know your place so to speak and that you do look up to them. I find that confidence is something that is a big factor in this. I mentioned about 2 women at work who are both extremely confident, they are both average looking of average intelligence, but their confidence is so noticable, they believe they are brilliant - and who is to argue with that, there is nothing wrong with them. But I just feel so inferior to them because of this and I think a lot of people put them on a higher pedestal to themselves because of this. I couldn't imagine they would ever even look at me in any way because they think they are great and my attitude is that I am not. Confidence is a wonderful quality/attribute and can make people who may not be desirable otherwise, become desirable and respected. Its something we should aim and aspire to be.
Where I work there is a really popular guy, very confident, bit of a womaniser and he gets women really interested in him and looking up to him and thinking he is so great and I think a huge reason is because of his confidence. You should see women around him - women put him on a pedestal, he is very confident and thinks he is better than everyone and I think that rubs off on people, people do look up to him. And when you look up to people you feel inferior to that person, you feel they are better than you and therefore you would be extremely flattered if they showed interest in you - and usually that can make a very confident person very successful with people of the opposite sex.
The more I think about subjects like this, the more I am absolutely determined I want to be confident. hehe. There is nothing to gain from being shy and reserved, it just makes everything so difficult. I am on a mission to be confident! Come on!
I do believe that people seem to have a self conscious value on how they are compared to someone else. I know it sounds silly but when you are around a very attractive person or very confident person, etc - you do know your place so to speak and that you do look up to them. I find that confidence is something that is a big factor in this. I mentioned about 2 women at work who are both extremely confident, they are both average looking of average intelligence, but their confidence is so noticable, they believe they are brilliant - and who is to argue with that, there is nothing wrong with them. But I just feel so inferior to them because of this and I think a lot of people put them on a higher pedestal to themselves because of this. I couldn't imagine they would ever even look at me in any way because they think they are great and my attitude is that I am not. Confidence is a wonderful quality/attribute and can make people who may not be desirable otherwise, become desirable and respected. Its something we should aim and aspire to be.
Where I work there is a really popular guy, very confident, bit of a womaniser and he gets women really interested in him and looking up to him and thinking he is so great and I think a huge reason is because of his confidence. You should see women around him - women put him on a pedestal, he is very confident and thinks he is better than everyone and I think that rubs off on people, people do look up to him. And when you look up to people you feel inferior to that person, you feel they are better than you and therefore you would be extremely flattered if they showed interest in you - and usually that can make a very confident person very successful with people of the opposite sex.
The more I think about subjects like this, the more I am absolutely determined I want to be confident. hehe. There is nothing to gain from being shy and reserved, it just makes everything so difficult. I am on a mission to be confident! Come on!
Milkdrops
Member
hmm I think if theres one thing i've learned about people in this world is those that are genuinely nice people (shy, intravert, polite, considerate, well mannered I guess like me so alot people have said) those types of people get walked over.....they dont get noticed but of course from a moralistic value they'd end up in heaven but would they be able to f**k the prom queen ? NO. I guess the point is that those who care very little and are extravert and somewhat inconsiderate to a degree will undoubtably go far in life while they may not end up in heaven they'll probably end up successfull. Kind of reminds me of a guy I used to know he was an extravert if there ever was one and I always admired his confidence he just didnt give a f**k. He was always noticed and was often talked about where as me no one gave a damn where I was or what was going on with me. I was irrelavent. Not a strong enough charracter. I always want to not care but I cant and I pay the price for not bieng a strong enough charracter.
I agree and disagree milk drops. I don't think its simply because we are 'nice guys' that we get walked all over, its because we have little confidence which makes us irrelevant that is the reason we are walked all over. I have two friends who are great guys, clever, really nice people, they look fine, but they too have little confidence, and they too never get much attention from women. I think lacking confidence is the whole reason we get no attention and seem irrelevant. I am sure if you are that same nice guy but very confident with it, then you would be extremely desirable and I am thinking maybe I am too.
I used to have a friend who told me lots that I would have no problem meeting someone I really like - but around him I was really confident. Maybe what he said is true - I would be able to meet someone nice if only I was confident like I was with him. Got to be confident, that is the only way to solve the problem. I think one thing this can teach us is that maybe its not how we look or our personality that we get walked all over, its simply confidence. We got to beat it!
I used to have a friend who told me lots that I would have no problem meeting someone I really like - but around him I was really confident. Maybe what he said is true - I would be able to meet someone nice if only I was confident like I was with him. Got to be confident, that is the only way to solve the problem. I think one thing this can teach us is that maybe its not how we look or our personality that we get walked all over, its simply confidence. We got to beat it!
Have a guess. :lol:
Layla
Well-known member
yeah, i agree with the confidence thing. It is most definitely confidence that we lack in order to assert ourselves as being as important as our friends and peers. Just last night for example, i was with some old girlfriends hanging out having beers and when i didn't care about what anyone thought and just acted like myself, it was fine and i felt good. But then when i got self-concious about it, like i felt i was feeling left out and the eye contact was more between my friends then with me, i started feeling really shitty and i let that put a huge damper on my night and ended up feeling totally unhappy because i kept wondering what was wrong with me. Everyone says that once you stop caring, really stop focusing on it, you'll feel much better cause you wont be preoccupied with negative thoughts. Our discomfort is felt by others and so it makes them uncomfortable too and its just like a cycle.
I ran out of messages I was allowed to post the other day milkdrops - (what on Earth is all that about - only allowed 7 messages a day - this is a help website, seems a bit strange to limit how much you can help one another in a day).
I am 28 years old. I only started working on my SA problems about 2 years ago - I just thought I had terribly low self confidence. I guess that what SA is, but I never had heard of SA until I looked on the internet.
Interesting stuff though. I have always said if I do overcome this, I would love to try and qualify as a therapist and help others overcome this horrible problem that holds people (well I can only speak for myself) back in life from achieving their potential and getting what they want out of life. I really do hope I can succeed in my quest, and sooner the better! I don't want to waste another minute because of this problem.
I am 28 years old. I only started working on my SA problems about 2 years ago - I just thought I had terribly low self confidence. I guess that what SA is, but I never had heard of SA until I looked on the internet.
Interesting stuff though. I have always said if I do overcome this, I would love to try and qualify as a therapist and help others overcome this horrible problem that holds people (well I can only speak for myself) back in life from achieving their potential and getting what they want out of life. I really do hope I can succeed in my quest, and sooner the better! I don't want to waste another minute because of this problem.