Well, whenever there is an assignment in class that requires presentation or every time my friends decide to hang out, I tell myself: awesome, I can do this! But as it gets closer and closer to the date, my anxiety builds and builds. When the day comes where I'm supposed to be exposed to that anxiety-provoking event that normal people would think is a breeze, I spiral into depression and can't leave my house.
I can't. In the same way that a normal person is programmed to freeze when told to jump off a cliff. They can't do it because it will kill them. Of course, hanging out won't kill me--quite the opposite in the end because I need socialization to feel good--but my brain isn't wired correctly.
Some AvPD quirks:
I have a hard time answering the phone.
I cannot leave messages or be the one to make the phone call; I can only sometimes pick up when I'm feeling less anxious than I normally am.
I don't buy clothes that I like. I like stylish, pretty clothes but that would get me attention. I wear plain, boring, I-don't-have-a-personality clothes.
I do not wear make-up outside. Weird, I know. I love make-up and being girly but I can't do it because I want to be invisible.
I can't talk to boys. With great effort, I can make friends with girls and be more comfortable around them but with boys...it's impossible. There is one guy I'm comfortable around and that's because he stutters (I'm horrible, I know...) but I feel like we can relate because he's very shy and forgives my awkwardness because he's awkward too.
I tried to get a job once. I ended it after a week because all of the exposure to people threw me into a depression.
Basically, I don't just have SA because I need to avoid. I need to avoid because if I face my fears I go into a clinical depression and I get suicidal. I avoid because I honestly care very much about myself and I hate, hate, hate having thoughts of suicide.
I'm fairly certain my AvPD is both genetic and environmental. I have a huge history of schizophrenia (and you know how it skips a generation? Well, it's on my parent's generation on my mom's side and my grandparent's generation on my dad's side.) One of my cousins has SA and had a mental breakdown from too much exposure at once.
It's environmental because my mom is a ball of anxiety at all hours of the day. She screens calls and cancels plans with her friends all of the time. Most of her friends now are just on FB because she doesn't like to go out. She even complains if she has to go shopping because "she doesn't feel like it". And she's in denial about it.
I'd also like to add that when I'm in anxious-mode, when I'm fearing something coming up, I don't think about being rejected or being laughed at. No, what I fear the most is the anxiety itself. Why? Because I've been fortunate to have nothing but positive experiences with people in my life. I've never been bullied. I know, from experience, that people are good and that I want them in my life. What I fear is the anxiety they will trigger in me.