Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

[grapevine]

aughh. I just feel so confused as to where I am living right now - its like 2 different hemispheres and responsibilities and its weird because it took alot of peeling me away from my own world to live with him and leave my own stuff - and then bam- his friends there and its like go back to your own things again.

I am one if those people that like to please others. And I havent been bothered to please myself much at all because I have left it and left it and backed it up - compounded my needs to where it feels easier to override them with doing things for others rather than facing them.

I guess I feel like I dont know myself anymore. I mean when you are in another person's environment - you can become like them - esp spending so much time with them.

I have always been goal oreintated and always known where I am going and had my thoughts out so that I didnt feel overwhelmed as much as what so easily happens with anxiety disorders and ocd and all that .

I mean, all I know is that before I went out with him, I was really enjoying knowing myself and my identity as a raw vegan chick foodie - lol - I was a purest and took for granted my fresh air at home (as now its polluted with smoke from my partner at his place) and loved feeling like I was re-newed and alive and off the dogma track - compared to everyone else - I felt amazing in myself for eating raw foods and juicing like it was gold. Just that feeling of feeling free and being like that for over a year. Despite my emotional roller coaster and bdd and all of that - the one thing that I loved was knowing my identity and my own space and who I was and having my room with my own stuff and everything. Also having a mystery about me- having him not knowing everything about me - being able to have the time at home to do those girl things like pluck my eyebrows and self care kinda things.

I mean for 6 months now I have been living with him- lugging my stuff here and there in bags - my clothes etc..
Its just been a whole emotional journey that has not been easy for me. Yet I am always lurred there as I have never really had the independence at home here as mum has been in a codependency with me. And that is hard too. Because my responsibilities at home waver over me being at his place. Things are all neglected at home and I feel tremendous guilt.

Im at home tonight. anyway.

Its just when Im home- for the last 6 months its always been a huge rush to be over his place - like a time limit to get there. So I havent really spent any time on my own in my own environment really - not for a long time.

So its the identity thing.

I just feel like I want to avoid myself and please others instead. But at the same time I get sick of myself and have these goals in mind and what I want to do again - and yet I guess I just am used to now putting myself last. Like its going to fail putting myself first.

And also, its the feeling of being alone I guess too.

I just know that I want to nurture myself again and get back into a routiene and find myself again - my sense of self - Ive just lost it and am not living my true self - and it makes for so many issues that can lead to addiction and stuff with junk foods or what ever.

I guess people imprint on you and its your duty to not conform but to stand up for what you believe in and your own lifestyle and make a point about it by continuely showing others the way you live.

I just feel so well - toxified by eating the wrong foods and stuff. I long and yearn for my raw juices and stuff.

So its what I have to do.

I just got so emotional going over to rugs place where I live now - after spending a night at home for once and going over there and he didnt get my message that I was popping in to get something and catching him and his friend smoking in the room. I mean, I sleep there. So there is no way that I am going to sleep there tonight.

I guess its just that - Im going out with a person that does not have the same values as me at all. My biggest value is my health and I am a health nut.

I do not sleep in a room that has been smoked in all night.

That is disgusting.

 

[grapevine]

Actually. Its really odd that he (rugs my partner ) quit Facebook the other day. For the first time ever. I mean his schizophrenia was about FB. Most of his time was on FB. He had to look people up all the time and see if what ever he did on his page would make them do something on their page. And it got to the point where he would look up random names and just block people all the time that he didnt know, but perhaps thought that they all where looking him up.
So he decided for some reason (perhaps my influence) that he would just put his page on private and then he ended up purposely loosing his other FB passwords to his other accounts so that he wouldnt look people up anymore- as he realised when he couldnt do that, he would become less about his past and less angry and competitive etc.

But then all his stuff he put on his page -(in his words he always said he worked hard on his page ..) - he realised that noone was really liking his stuff or what ever and decided the other day to just delete his Facebook account. And that is such a big thing for him - its really weird.

But the thing is that I cannot contact him anymore on messages now. Its like he didnt think it through. And it just I guess in a way feels like Ive been neglected a little bit because everything basically on his page was mainly about either his music or our relationship and wher we have been for the day and stuff like that.

His banner on his page was love hearts and romantic things with images of me. (which I hated - like really hated the images of me as they were reallly bad... and would spur a bdd attack if I would look at them..) .

So well at least those photos are gone - if not for a little bit anyway.

 

[grapevine]

Okay- so being home in my old environment and actually cleaning my room - my room at home- the one where I have spent most of my life.
And Ive taken back a bed that I had pushed together to make 2 for when ever rugs stayed over. And so its back to my single bed again. and it feels kinda weird.

I realise that when I am in this old environment, I get BDD symptoms - the old OCD starts up and I feel really agitated a bit and severely hate the way I look and quite scared of any reflective surfaces and the giant mirror on my ikea white wardrobe.

And I do know that although I was really into my health in terms of juicing more than 3 times a day and eating high raw and enjoying my food at the time in May- just before I was asked out by Rugs. I was also very very depressed with severe BDD at the time that I was even bedridden for quite some weeks. I was so depressed actually in that time. My issue was that I loved the way I was eating but I had lost so much weight that my face had drooped and it was really really bothering me. I remember going to see a clinic and had a few consultations on cheek fillings it was that bad- yet I couldnt look in the mirror in those sessions - I ended up seeing myself and it all feeling highlighted that I just was so ill. I couldnt hardly walk and pushing myself to go to the doctors and stuff was an ordeal. I also was in depression about Rugs who at the time flirted with me and was like a good friend at work most times and asked me out - to his place - treated me like a queen and yet made no intentions that he liked me - and then nothing. Like he jsut didnt want to know me. And of course my BDD and then seeing his Facebook page at the time with all pictures of models/women - it was just intimidating and severed my BDD. I was so depressed and then he got sacked from work so I got more depressed because even as a friend at work- someone my age with mental issues and the same sense of humor that I could laugh with and be myself - an actual guy my age I could feel comfortable around was very rare to me. It felt down to earth and then he wasnt there anymore. So I felt like I had lost a friend - or a potentual mate - I was caught up in.
And I just remember being so so ill. Like really whaling crying in the shower. and at one point then, I remember my parents went on a holiday for a week and so I was home alone and it was pretty hard. I had no distractions from my ocd/bdd and got really bad- I mean bad as in excruciating emotional pain - of hating the way I looked and not wanting my face to be seen anywhere - not even wanting my parents to see me when they got back.

But its funny because, I remember despite those things and then pushing myself each few times a week to go to work regardless, I remember messaging Rugs for the first time on Facebook and telling him I was sorry he was sacked and good luck for the future.
And it was at that point where he became friends with me on Facebook and then asked me over for the first time in 5 months (the first was new years and I think that was kind of intended as a date). I hated feeling rejected - I didnt know what that was I remember being so frustrated and hurt a bit.

But then he was asking me over at his place at like 9:30 at night, to sleep over and hangout and watch some films. So I just treated him as a friend. I thought, despite my issues with him and not knowing how he thought of me - I thought well he just must'nt think I am attractive then - and I just decided to look after myself though and concentrate on tryng to love myself and practice self care and being a positive person socially and authentically and just enjoy myself and try to get out of my bdd.
I guess it was thrilling to be invited to his place seeing I had an obsession with him because of the way he went about with me I guess - to just of left me hanging for months was really not nice and yet hint to me at work kind of as just a friend or more. It was a hard time but I learnt alot about myself and was able to find so many gold mines in myself at that period because of it.
But its still quite weird because from that point on - after a few times staying over his place and always talking on Facebook messages - and then he asks me out. And I remember saying that but he doesnt think Im attractive and he said that he did. But apparrently didnt like the way I dressed- which I am still really annoyed about and think what a superficial thing - and the point that I was actually wearing modern up to date clothing and not stuck in the nighties like him omg. Like Im wearing brand new online clothes from Asos and so on and he is wearing the same old second hand clothes. And hissister being stuck in the 90s too. I mean, what ever he had some image of all women being generic and having to wear a huge load of make up and dress formal all the time or something?

I dress pretty casual - I dress like a vegan lol. I like my fred perry or converse flats even keds, and I like to wear white and grey. I like to dress smart and cool. I like the idea of dressing like a ballet woman in between classes lol - if that sounds so funny.
You know - Im like a white tshirt and black pants or skinny jeans.
Im not going to wear some black 90s dress - or trashy fluero pink etc..

 

[grapevine]

Just feeling exhausted and like I feel like I am 'needed' by my bf in a way that makes me have to do everything- carry him etc.

That he sometimes often just lacks the compassion or awareness of how much I have to do for him. Like he is entitled to it almost. And lately I just feel like I really do need distance from him because being in each others hair - me being over his place for 6 months now and not being able to truely look after myself in my self care ways and being in someone elses home- and their own world - didfferent to my own values and things - environment - with his parents and sister in the adjoined house- (we live in the double garage)- its just really tight-
I have to be in his environment and always be the one going to him. He hardly stays even an hour at my place and when he is there he is kinda rude. I have to go out of my way for him all the time and yet he can just be uncaring and want me to drive him all the way back to his place and then I go back home again - just because he doesnt feel so and so like being there - those sort of things he is capable of doing - its like any discomfort he has he cannot take- and yet myself - I am going 6 months without any of my own things - having to constantly make myself sick by tryiing to remember everything I need to take with me - to pack my food and everything every day plus buy things for him - plus take him places.
At least he uses his car well sisters car and takes me some places - but he never fully fuels up.
I jsut feel like - yesterday I got bdd a bit after having a photo taken from this stranger with me and his sister. And it freaked me out as I have a full on phobia of photos and his sister is very social and its like everyone likes her and has to go and talk with her like she is charasmatic or something - but yet they dont see what I see behind the scenes I guess. Idk. I jsut felt funny because people have a thing about her and how she looks and I cant really see it but when it gets said it makes me feel very inferior and when she pointed me out to people and said thats my sisters girlfriend and people just look at me quickly and then ignore me - it kinda like they see me and acknowledge me as nothing special I guess. Idk. But for me - ive spent a very long time away from the world in social phobia for over 20 years of my life really and its just I feel like Im not special and centered in my own world anymore.

I also feel like I am being taken for granted with my bf a bit and just so tired of putting myself last and having this anxiety.

I got a bit funny yesterday and said to him that does he still have feelings for me - and he said yes very much so but he always says I am a good person- of course so -- and then said that he needed me.

I then repeated myself and even said that are you sure your feelings have not gone. You know because we have been spending everyday together. He said he would tell me if that was the case.

I guess I feel like I said - taken for granted - it feels like im part of the family and like an old marriage kinda. Like I am the man doing everything for him - taking him out all the time and being the one with money - when I dont have any.

I dont know- I just feel like I want to find myself again - away from him - my identity is not him- its like my time is his all the time and I have to rush around and not really able to spend time on my own and do my own thing- unless I have a time to come back. Its like he is always just hanging at his place and I am the one to have to rush all of the time and go see him all of the time - although I am living there.

I want to feel like a girl again and do my self care stuff - I so want to do my kitchen stuff. I want him to provide for me not me provide for him - in so many ways. It just makes me so tired carry him all the time.

I need my time to do my things and feel special again and define my identity and boundaries and how others are towards me.

 

[grapevine]

Really having bad bdd - well not as bad as I've had in the past . But different bad I guess.
I feel really embarrassed how I look with my face and it's really hard being in a relationship with someone who has a high ego and likes to look at his millions of selfies all the time an a sister who does the same with hers - that dogma belief thing . And feeling inferior and living with them in an environment completely different to my own morals and beliefs and lifestyle - it just warps me and I feel lost. And not liking myself or loosing myself.

It's like tho before I could I had that time to do my self care own things and now I don't.
And I need half my life back I guess. Having bdd is a big deal even tho I like to think and believe that I don't have it.

 

[grapevine]

Im at home today. After spending most my time over my partners place. Im just so exahausted. Im on the pms too. But its just I feel so squeezed and in stress, neurotic ..

I know I have a partner that has no values like mine, that wouldnt know about values or have interest in them perhaps. There are so many things that are putting me off him so badly, that my instincts tell me no to him. That I feel like I am holding myself short, just to be in the prescence - to live with someone who lives the opposite to you, does not hold your values and I become the complainer a little.
I mean he just sleeps and sleeps and sleeps and Im always on his time - rushing at my place to go to his and yet he is there completely at home and comfy and doing what ever - like Im not there. And this happens over and over. I dont want to be in smoke and strong deoderant and even though he goes out of his way for me. And then there is his taste in things completel different to mine and just living in his place with his family and their values and thier tastes and its all different to mine.

Im just afraid that I feel like I have completely depleted myself. My true self and need alot of home nurture to get back to even my health.

You know I just do this with everyone- I go out of my way in anxiety and rush and just put others first. I enjoy helping people and doing things for them and caring for them - but I just now - you know all that made me who I was and was becoming 6 months ago - Im just so tired and conflcted in my mind. Taking so much energy out of me.

Everyday I think about how I used to have just the time to just you know do a project at home, be able actually have the sustainable time to do my hobbies. The things that made me me and made me happy and gave me a surge. I compromise every single time I go over to his place.

I want to grow my sprouts and juice and use my cross trainer and actually not have pain in my lungs again (since Ive been out with him.. he is a smoker) - to actually fully breathe freshly, to not have some weird musty odour coming from my hands and body.. ( I think its tobacco).

I just feel like I just do too much to make him comfortable and happy and hardly stand up for myself. I feel bad if I tell him that I want to stay home most of the time now. That I want to sleep at my place and not his.

Everything just feels so restrictive. I am a person that never conforms and its just so tiring. He has this belief system that is solid to him but in my opinion inflexable.

I jsut dont want to be part of that. But he is just so dopey all the time and sleeping all of the time literally. And so now I see my health completely declined and health is on my prioritylist of values on the top of everything. That is how I have to live. So that is just what I will have to do.

Everything in my own life is just so neglected from abandonment its not funny. But I get this surge of energy all the time and this lure that is so hard to retract from to go to his place - a surge of excitement and independence from home I guess. And a want to fix all things mentality.. that sort of thing.

Right now I feel my bdd come on. That feeling where you feel uneasy about yourself. Im sick of myself and how I look right now. I want to show people who I am and I feel like my identity gets stepped on being with him because he is the opposite to my values and dominant, although I am the one who initiates things we do together.

I feel lost being at home on my own. I mean he gets to do things at his place. I havent done anything with my place in over 6 months because Ive been with him.

And now I just feel so conflicting.

If I think about things I want to do- its about me having to go back and fourth to his and that I will not be able to do those things at home. My anxiety disorder and stress just burns at the flame. Im so worn out and feel like just going and taking stock and getting into a depressive slump and leaving everyone for a while. Too many people want too many things from me. And I just want to have some quiteness and my time and heal my lungs and my body and do my juicing and stuff.

See thats the thing, I make the time to do that and avoid going over or sleeping over for awhile and then I do and my lungs will go back to unclean again.

He smokes well away from me and stuff- way outside and round the corner - but its still on him and it lingers in the air all of the time and all these tobacco leaves left everywhere and I clean them up all the time. Apparrently I winge. But you know I dont want to get sick.

Anyway- I just am feeling tired from all this.

 

[grapevine]

So hot severe sunburn today watching the cyclists in the tour down under in my home town. I didn't bother to be sun smart and now with a case of sun stroke.
Tomorrow tho marks a day for me. I've decided as I get my pay check from work - that I am not going to live with all this neglect of myself anymore. My pay check symbolises just one of many examples in my life over the course of this relationship that I have completely and utterly neglectly myself. I always has substantial savings and time and looked after myself so well. And now I'm lost.

So tomorrow marks a day when I choose to love myself - from tomorrow - to make a choice to actually stay home and do my own things esp those that I need to do and to put those things first over any excitement over the feeling of being hugged and all that.

I know in my intuition he is not right for me. Different values and to be so vain with himself and so judgemental of others and so lazy and ill and backwards and not smart at all, and smoke and drugs .

Those things aren't me and yet I cannot leave. Because I still value this relationship. I see his full on commitment to me and love the security. But I realise that I can perhaps still be in this relationship even if I put myself first. If I can begin to show myself security love and respect over it from him , then I am more likely to be in a position to judge what this is and any feelings etc. that if I can have my own time actually being away for awhile from him because I basically haven't had any breathing space at all for 6 months.

You know I don't want to be lugging my bags of stuff all the time not living fully in my own place - I hate living there I like to visit but I just don't want to live there.

I just use too much energy and all my resource to be with him - where I need to instead have long times having my own time .

 

[grapevine]

Im feeling complacent with inner turmoil. I want to achieve things again this year like I did the last two years.

Private things and also things that I personally want to achieve.

I just dont know how to manage this relationship. And Im feeling off feelings lately and its getting me depressed and tiresome.

There is a point in my personality that always at some point wants to break everything down and throw in that towel, to go away on my own for a time and find myself again, re-invent myself again.
Know what I want. To sit in stillness and listen to what I want and then go out and try to achieve that everyday.

Its unusual for me to be with someone most of the time and have them see me in all light. I am a very private person and Ive never really liked that.

For me, with guys- ive always wanted to be private. To only show my best. I mean, I get with my partner that we are kinda a team and he accepts and loves me - yet we are very different with completely different values - ( for one, he wouldn't even know what his is - and its things like that that frustrate me).
I hate to even say it, but I feel so often like I am lowering myself, that being with him prevents me from looking upwards and outwards and it really hurts. People say that you become who you hang around with- and who he is is kinda ignorant and small minded and ego and a bit vain and lives like a 10-12 year old. This sounds really negative I know.

But Im just saying.

I feel like I am jepordising my life a bit. With so many things - because Im with him.
I dont know - I do have an anxiety disorder.

I am trying to work out how to live my life and achieve my own things with at the same time trying to keep things okay with him.

I mean I do have feelings for him, but they are buried. He just doesnt have anything to give me excitement - the only things he is giving me are security and love in the form a man and some self esteem- and apart from that - its like I am the provider- and the one that provides excitement and things for him- i dont get that from him though and its something I want in a guy.

I want him to rock up and use his car and say hey lets go here - somewhere you have never been.. etc..

Instead its the same things over and over.

I feel like I need space from him anyway.
I want him to have more than just $20 a day, and to use his car more for me - as I have over used my car and gone through fuel and ruined my finances from that and other things with him.

I want him to be so many things he is not and I feel horrible because of that. I mean, be smarter and be more insightful, actually be pro active in his life and change things.

I want a provider, a non smoker, someone who has emotional intelligence and someone who is beyond all that ego stuff you know.

I am jsut in this dilema were I know its wrong to change someone and I just have to put myself first to work on me instead and hang out less at his place.

I know that the only way to make changes in someone else is to show them in yourself anyway.

I just am so frustrated in my mind and so tired. All the energy. I want to be authentic and make things better yet I dont want to break up with him because there are some good things here.

I just don like feeling out of control like this. For some the 7 months we have been going out- I have neglected my own life - all things - I have lived through a suicase and been over his place for that amount of time with no kitchen and neglecting my self care routiens.
I have been people pleasing and making myself poor because of it.

I have been living with him and his family that have totally different lifestyle and values to me. Its been something that has completely lost myself. Even my diet, my raw vgan diet has been altered - eating takeaway chips all the time and other things I would normally not eat- I felt amazing before abstaining from all of that. I can do it again, its just I have to stay at home for once.

I feel like I jsut cannot take time at my own place. He rocks up everytime Im there - like I have hardly any time for myself at all. Although he says if I need it..
Yet I feel like I am on a time limit.

But I dont want to live with him anymore in his mancave garage and around this stale air of dog wees and tobacco smell.

I love my own home with the fresh air. And I get a sickness feeling in my gut everytime I drive to his place as Im leaving behind my responsibilities and driving up these steep hills and loosing petrol again and my finances going down - you know and we use my car to go places all the time as he hardly fills his up.

I get alot of stress.

I dont know I just have to work this out.

 

[grapevine]

Well, the last few posts I make all the time are always quite negative. I guess I just have an awful lot of frustrations in my life at the moment.

Being someone who has grown up with anxiety and being in a codependent relationship with my deaf mother, my adult life.

I am a big people pleaser and being away from people for a long time- its just really hard for me to adjust to a relationship.

Not that its all me, though. Its just, though, I have issues with being assertive and also finding my independence at home and also having this separation anxiety too with my partner- even tho I want my independence from him.

I am very good at sacrificing my life for another person. And its not fair to them and myself.

At the moment I just cant feel anything and yet I am also like a child having a tantrum and not knowing what I want.

Everything feels too hard with him- like I want to change him and that is wrong. But I like to have my time to achieve and yet when I have my time I want to surprise and do things for him. I don't know why but I'm all over the place.

I guess I just feel tired of myself. And just really sick of myself as I want to reinvent and know where I am going again, yet he wants me as I am and most if not all of my time although he will let me go if I want to.

 

[grapevine]

So in the 8 months weve been dating, in that time I have basically been going over to his place to stay- even though I dont really want to- because it means not being in my own world with my own comoforts and sacrificing so many of my own things.
It means sleeping on a really crappy bed that caves in from his weght where i end up in with rare for me back pain, it means going to the toilet outside in the bushes as I dont want to go through his parents place each time as its kinda embarrassing. It means to forget all my self care stuff - again because I dont want to have to go and see his parents inside where the bathroom is. Although I shower there, I dont go in to brush my teeth and that sort of thing.
It means living in bags, hurrying to make my own tea and lunch to take over each time, forgetting where I put stuff all the time, it means going without things all of the time and spending lots on petrol to be there, it means having to put up with values I dont like and ciagrette smells and a stinky large dog which is not toliet trained and wees each time there that has to be mopped every morning.
It means giving up on my own life to be there with him in his basically in essence.

So when today as it was mums bday and I said I wanted to stay home and said he could stay over if he wants. Which meant after a huge long day of hard manual labour at work - I went out of my way to put back this old single bed to join up with mine to make a queen again.
And then later, I rushed down 20 mins to the town to get him some food he could eat. Even texting him if he would like me to do that. Then he brings his homemade food and he said that he didn't realise what I had written.

Anyway the point being, that tonight he was staying over my place for the like 4th time since weve been going out perhaps and not since prob 5 months he has stayed over here.
And he decides that in the night that he wants to go home for what ever reason as he cannot sleep or what ever.
So he packs his things at 3;30 in the night and goes home. Before that saying he wanted to.Its like he came here to have sex with me - and before that he was all in his own world on his computer as he had done a day of his guitar.
He had what I call blank face all afternoon- meaning he was rude in a way of being completely unemotional and unable to get through to. Just preoccupied with him online. Where as I was outside with my animals on my parents land having some fun.

I mean, I just go all out of my way for him - even when its very uncomfortable and for a long time- and there are so many things.. and yet just one night he cannot even handle at my place.

So I have made up my mind even more now. That I am just not going to go over there much if not at all for some long amount of time and just try to re-find myself again and start to look after myself again as Ive been over his place and been living it rough.

I even missed Xmas last year much of it with my family because of him. He butts in and always wants me over his - to the point where I have to scramble within my anxiety and gather my things and go- like I'm always on a time limit. Leaving all my responsibilities behind me. And then I get to his and he is just on his laptop like I am not even there and doing his own thing with his own home comforts whist im sacrifising mine. And then most nights , goes to very early to sleep like 8;30 at night - which is with our daylight saving - still light outside and its extremelly early to go to bed- I go to bed usually at about 11:00 or later not 8;30 and so I end up feeling like nothing as Ive sacrifed all my own stuff just to sleep in this dodgey bed at his place and not being ableto do my health goals and the lifestyle things I like to do.

And also - this sounds horrible - but I just hate kissing him most times because he smokes and its disgusting and also he has loads of milk and also eats meat and Im vegan - but its mostly the cigarettes- its like an ashtray and I jsut feel gross you know.

Anyway- Im going to ignore him tomorrow and just do my own thing.

 

[grapevine]

Had a good two days at home and realised that it's really about balance. I have a lot of push to even try to get my independence at home from my mum and my parents are just non stop talk lol

I at least talked to my partner about my issues about wanting my independence and just strained and all that .

Anyway- I realise the reason why I don't like my partners sister. And I thought it was my bdd, that my partner , and a few others have said she's pretty and so I got jealous and my bdd all funny but the truth is she isn't really all that - it's just my mind and bdd that thinks that because a few people including my partner has said this then in myind I put her on an image pedastool because my looks gauge is broken from my bdd.

But the thing is that it's not about that tho like I thought it was. I'm relax a bit today from spending time at home for once and getting some things done. And then bring over his today , I am just observing his sister and him in my presence- and it's just so obvious-
why I don't like her - because she rude, sarcastic, yet the worst thing is that her and him both completely ignore me - they may say something to me - like she will ask me something sarcastic and then not hear me - they both talk iver me like I'm not there - they are both the same with values unlike mine, and all my partners attention is with her with not only conversation but all sorts. It's just a really rude experience and I hate it because I find it very hard to have a conversation with him really anyway. To even get his attention.
It's like she gets his full attention and both mingle in their schizo delusions of paranoia and people etc. I just come away from that feeling like I don't belong - I do not at all agree with their mindsets - they are both worse together - and for me it's just ignoring me yet talking about and at me like I'm not really there or like I'm a thing. I cannot get any word in at all I get ignored - rudely - even if I'm asked a question.

 

[grapevine]

Wel,l I'm sitting in bed, my own bed tonight... for once. A rarity these days. I'm on my own, well like I use to be - I have my own time to be free and do what I please. My folks - I just watched a film with.

It's not really anyone's fault, it is just what has come to be. It's a natural thing that people do in relationships. Esp more for women for sone reason. Things just get unbalanced. You end up spending more and more time with your partner and they want more time with you and you end up just giving up on your own things until you end up feeling like all your entertainment and livelihood (apart from work) is all about your partner rather than the other things.

For me its been like that. Ive learnt to say yes too many times - even when Ive wanted to. Being conflicted by wanting to be with him and yet also wanting to do my own things. And we have even talked about it. And its hard. My partner is one that really likes to be around me. He can change his decisions and end up visiting me on a day that is supposed to be an apart day lol.

But the thing that is not okay really is that feeling and esp around that time of the month (pms) when I start to get all range of emotions - esp teary - because in all essence I feel like Ive lost myself.

And that is something that is not good in any form of a relationship and esp not with oneself.
Its not right.

And, at least I know the answer. And that is that I need more times like tonight to try to detatch myself from him. Im so used to him wantign to know what Im up to and where all of the time and always wanting me over or wanting to come over. Its so loving, but it can interfere with my time to myself. I feel like I am always on his watch.

Even tonight, I feel like I still have this anxiety rush- Im so used to it everyday, being on his time kinda, always being in a rush at home to make my tea and pack to go over there. Getting excited and stopping all my own things to rush over there.
At some point, it just really ingrains into my adrenalin.

Yet the thing is, everytime I go over to his place, he is not rushing- he is at his home- doing his own thing- sleeping/eating/on Facebook/ having a shower .. whatever etc... his routine doesnt really change that I am there- yet mine is sacrificed in many ways - with responsibilities left at home and my own special things I like to do (my cooking and other passions) get left for another day and another day and then its 8 months ago..

So I harbor resentment a bit and comes out to him as I get so bored at his place sometimes- I cant even talk to him even as alot of times he is just not there, like he just wont respond and in a daze or something.

I jsut dont want to feel like I am shrinking my life in order to please him. And that is why I really (no matter how much I want to run back to his place- and over his place I actually get somehting I never was able to get at home and that is complete independence from my folks and my animals- as I have always struggled with that- being in a co-depependence with my deaf mother for most of my life who cant drive) so I have more reasons than ust to be around with him. And alot of times its just easier to go over there and drop any idea of doing my own thing at home as I would have to siftle through to get my independence.

Anyway- Ive decided that its not heading in a good way if I am feeling like I am sacrificing my life and have lost myself within this relationship.

Im deciding that I need time, often - like alot - of time on my own or in my own independence to recharge myself and not put anything on hold anymore.
As that is what he would want and I would want and it would mean much more happier and quality time together I reckon.

Its just that feeling over the first few days - he always wants to know what Im up to and we communicate all of the time. Yet tonight when he is with his friends jamming in his band, and busy - its such a difference. It feels a bit resentful as when I try to do my thing - he can be in my face a bit - without giving me my space I guess and even so I feel like Im on a time limit - even if Im not - but expecting me over in the afternoon. Its just , I dont get that freedom of just doing prodjects on my own time at home anymore. And so I guess I need to let him know when I will want and do that.

 

[theslowesthand]

I wouldn't know, but a relationship seems a lot like an addictive drug? Or an easy diversion, to take the mind off its worries & stresses? :question:

 

[grapevine]

I wouldn't know, but a relationship seems a lot like an addictive drug? Or an easy diversion, to take the mind off its worries & stresses? :question:

Quite like that actually. I think with myself because I've been away from so******ing for so long - I get a surge of energy that can be intoxicating to me.

I've only just realised the last few days that I just cannot do everything in my life at the moment. That I just need to concentrate on just one thing at a time and reunite myself with my old self-care routine that I had been doing prior to going out with him. I get myself in huge anxiety stresses on my own. Everything compounds. I've always done this. And I find it hard to keep up with my affairs and everything else.

Just to realise that the only way for me now to cope with my anxiety disorder and the stresses I have in my life I think I just have to concentrate on my health first and get my routine back into my life. Having time out which is easy at his place and not so much at mine. But I will try at home too.

Everything seems to stem from my health and it has always gotten better from there. So I just need to not put too much on my plate and give myself time to achieve things and do things. And to just put my health as a priority from now on.

I think that is the way to go.

See I guess, I just would keep thinking that it wasnt doable over his place. To start with my health. But it is. The part tht is hard is making my food. But I jsut have to deal with that.

The part about my finances and going back and fourth and using petrol and lots of money for things all the time gets me really stressed and depressed. Those things I just need to work out an agenda and work towards some sort of schedule. With juicing - I dont want to make my juice over his place- but making it at home means in advance- which is the only way- and I do have those Ball jars that lock I guess.

I just know that I feel so much better with less stress and stuff when I am feeling ontop of my game in health. Everything streams from that for me. To feel internally vital like my cells are dancing. To juice again and eat my raw foods- the feeling physically can be amazing.

 

[grapevine]

I want some excitement from him, some connecting and not on an immature way, I want some quality and responsibility, I dont want to be the one who has to suggest things and organise things and go out of my way for and use my money and always go to him. I dont want to have a partner that chronically sleeps, has no money, has severe delusions, can be irresponsible, majorly unhealhty and that smokes like a chimeny and even does some drugs.

Why am I still with him? Attatchment. I have feelings - but I also am not afraid to see outside of this relationship and how it feels like its wasting my time, washing my spark, my goals and my lifestyle away.

But you know, like I said to my therapist last week. I am responsible for my own descisnions and my own life and I cannot let go of him. I told him about wasting my time over his place yesterday.

I mean, I spent a whole day cleaning my chicken coop and yard (something I havent done in over a year and I used to keep it so clean before - but I havent exactly been there this last year. So it was a whole day of that - manual labor (which I am used to) and I had only had breakfast and a drink in the morning- I went from warly morning to tea time without anything else as I was too dirty to enter the house. Anyway my whole body ached and after a shower and then making my tea, he had messaged me asking me to come over if I wanted to. He said to me that he wouldnt go to sleep at 8 this time and that would be more interactive and that we could put on a movie. But you know (it happens everytime)- I rush and make my tea to take with me and pack my things - my Mac and everything too. And I get asked how long I will be and that he wants to see me etc. So I feel like I am on his time, and I was exhausted - and then so I get there- and he asks me about my day and stuff- but its basically him - sitting on his desk at his laptop on facebook. I just see his back and that it. Im just sitting there on the bed with my macbook - rushed over there to be with him, and just bored and feel like an idiot. No interaction until, time to go to sleep now- and that is it. And it would leave me upset and annoyed.
Well anyway, that night I got his computer chair and stuck it on his front garden and left in the night. I then wrote to him via fb and told him how I felt. He changed that night later and was actually interactive with me. But today, I got annoyed too- I just get so bored with him and feel like Im stooping to some level of wasting my time and dumbing my life to nothing- where my life is nothing.

But you know, if he can do all his things that he likes to do- then why am I putting my life on hold to be with him and wasting it? My time is precious and I like to be productive most of the time. It frustrates me and infuritates me not doing anything productive and in fact the opposite sometimes- like getting takeaway just for a kick for him - us. Or using my car to go for a long drive to some town to look in thier thrift stores even tho he has no money really and I will end up using mine for things. When I dont really have money either and need to save.

I jsut need to stay home more and start again - live through my values again- its just all so stupid now tho.

 

[grapevine]

Okay, so all of this is just hard. I never, ever like to weigh a person up and judge them and see what they can or cannot do for me- because it's wrong- because I have been on that end before and I know what it feels like.

I want to be a positive to people and help improve themselves as well as myself. And things that happen are learning curves that benefit us if we take the time to unravel them and go through them, really listen and learn. And I know that to be true too.

It's just against my values to reject someone just because they aren't benefiting me as much as I loosely seemed they might of.

I have had sooo much stress going back since last year since this rocky journey of this relationship started. I'm at the start at the moment of distancing myself and actually staying home - and making consecutive stays at home too. After so many frustrating and disappointing moments - its just that I give up quite a bit. I mean, I hadn't had any real time to myself anyway- it's all been in your face -almost hijacking my own time as it has had to be in his time almost. Feeling pressured all the time and awkward if I pushed to have time on my own- and also that ungluing feeling- of this co-dependence. Being so used to gathering as much energy all the time as I could to find my own excitement when Im over his place and with him - because there isn't any from him really.

And I just think, all the time- since June last year- it's been all me- it's been me driving - or him driving my car, always my car - my petrol- me money buying him things - taking him out to lunches, going op-shopping and using mostly my coins. I mean, he would mean well - but be blind to these things. Tell me he would pay me back sometimes -and the times that he would usually would end up with him asking for that back as we would be out and he would want something.

Its just been a lot of unfair. I haven't been able to be very assertive voice fully about these things - I have done so - but politely in messages and he has made himself change- but the thing is - the relationship doesn't really last much when he is in the provider's seat.
And its awkward and I feel very uncomfortable for him- feeling insecurity that he perhaps was blind about.

But its not just the financial.

Dont get me wrong, this relationship has been solid though and we have had good times and he genuinely does have feelings for me and all of that- he is just completely hopeless with his own life let alone my own and within his schizophrenic world too.

So I feel I have to manage this very carefully.

But its been me giving and him taking mainly. And its been so much so, that I've just depleted myself. At the moment, my health is pretty bad almost reassembling a nervous breakdown - physically I feel so exhausted and my body aches all over. A re-occurring thing. I mean- I have anxiety all the time too- and I don't think I have slowed down at all or stopped being on the go and everything - you know driving to his place- packing my things - making tea quickly at home - packing that- driving all the way to his place - carrying my heavy bags- just back and forth like that for almost a year now. I'm at least staying home and if he wants to see me- he at least comes over now - even though its not the same independence and his environment. But I miss my home and my responsibilities there.

I'm sure this post comes out more negative than it is. Its because its all my frustrations - I'm not writing in here to write the good things as they aren't bothering me as much.(lol)

There is just so much 'stuff' that is pounding at my consciousness - that it just makes so much stress. I don't like to pick sides and be the woe me. I just want to resolve these things- I mean I am in my own drivers seat.

And I know that when I was writing in here nearly everyday- prior- that it really did help me - forced me to unravel my life and resolve what ever was bothering me- and I look back with a sense of achievement then - as I did learn a whole heap of self-development when I had I thought that I already knew it all.


I dont want to portray this guy, my partner as a bad guy. What ever I write about him - his incompetencies are just what they are.

 

[grapevine]

Just so many things that dont connect with my own values and my own lifestyle.

But then there are basic things that just make me think - why is he not ashamed? Why, how can he still be so high about himself (delusional) and so egotistic . Well he has his illness anyway for that I guess.

But he has no money. He gets $20 a day. But not even that sometimes. He has to ask his dad as he keeps it in his account. He has no bank card and going out with him - with just hat $20 or just a few coins - when he 'has' to have his ice coffee - can't afford to fill up his car with petrol .. and he is 33 years old.

So it ends up being on my money most times- all the time really.

But then there is the hygiene thing. He is a very strong smoker. Smoking every half hour almost. Its the complete opposite to me, Im allergic to that stuff and a huge value of mine of hating it and people who smoke - the act of it. And I love fresh air. - but anyway- I rarely ever kiss him- for a reason - yellow teeth and breath of pure tobacco- and then there is his old tooth brush he had since we started going out - and it was old then.. it was half the bristels all gone back then. And the look on my face when I went to have a shower over his place and finding that toothbrush on the floor of the shower. Where it wouldve accidently dropped - idk- but it was gross. So I bought him a new toothbrush.

Then - lately he has been smelling a bit off and I put it to sweating alot as we had warm days- but he said that he had been wearing the same underwear- just one pair of undies - as all the others were too tight on his groin area - and he had also been going comando too.
So I go out and buy him some new undies today for him.

Thats what I mean by basics.

And doesnt he realise that its all a huge put off? He just now doesnt care what ever he does with me - as in how he acts and what he is doing - like farting all the time - almost putting his naked bum in my face as a joke/ cutting his pubic hair with his leg up over his waste-paper bin,, that sort of thing - and having the worst smelling feet and socks/shoes..

 

[theslowesthand]

And doesnt he realise that its all a huge put off? He just now doesnt care what ever he does with me - as in how he acts and what he is doing - like farting all the time - almost putting his naked bum in my face as a joke/ cutting his pubic hair with his leg up over his waste-paper bin,, that sort of thing - and having the worst smelling feet and socks/shoes..

He does naked farts in your face???
That's a bit rough on a lady! That sort of behaviour smacks of passive-aggressive imho (also implies flatulence issues)

If a guy like that can get & maintain a girlfriend, that gives me hope!! :bigsmile:

 

[grapevine]

well he doesnt fart in my face - but carries it with his hand. But its quite funny though when places his bum in my face- I will admit that. But at the same time - its a bit overwhelming and all that ..

- Yes never think your bad - there are always others out there .. lol

 

[grapevine]

God - I know that if I start thinking negative about someone - it will all start to compound and start to make it the complete way I see them - when people are - majority mostly colourful and not one streamed this and that- negative street. And how the brain works, I can easily just be spiting and all that - kinda like now.

You know, I just need space I guess and yet also at the same time - Im lost and feel overwhelmed by a lonliness - or a slight depression - as Ive lost that hormonal spark in me - you know that one- the one that makes you want to impress the guys - and others - you want to over self -care and show off yourself - do everything to try to feel good about yourself- that sort of thing.

Well I guess because I haven't had a breathing space from him- and basically living with him and spending most of my time with him - that I feel like I've given all myself away- that that thing I like to do that drives me - my identity and liking to impress people and myself with things- it's like he knows too much - that my identity is how he sees me. And I feel so compelled to change it all the time. I don't like his tastes and things- so different to me. I'm kinda like - I like hipster taste a bit and I'm vegan - I like different music and stuff. I feel like he is stuck in the 90s in this kinda heavy metal but dirty kind of life - where nothing is new or modern lol.
Anyways- I just want to re-create myself. I just remember before going out with him - I was at my peak of my high raw vegan diet and really getting somewhere with my health - it took ages to get rid of those additions. And then now- 10 months or so later and I'm exhausted and addictions to packet foods and hot chips from convenience and living in his lifestyle. It sux - and Ive put on 5 kg - im usually the same weight - been that way for over a year and more and then all of a sudden all this stress and im in this situaltion where I dont want to be with my health. I jsut want to feel liberated again - clean and on top of my health - I was on such a role.

And I just feel like he makes it hard for me to do that. Because I just can't concentrate on my own self. And when I am to return to going over his place sometime- I will be in this kinda toxic environment - its not the same as the fresh air and stuff at my place.

Anyways. Im just feeling apathetic and worn out. I just do so much trying to get my own kicks out of that - but I don't receive anything really - i don't receive the attention - the gratefulness I guess that I would like maybe. I don't know- but I'm tired of it. I just want a break from it.