Obsessed with my boyfriend's ex

[Bree1989]

Hi everyone,

I know it's crazy and irrational, but I can't stop obsessing over my boyfriend's ex. He and I have been dating almost three years, and he broke up with her over four years ago. They only dated five months. In the past I've creeped on my boyfriends' exes, but never this much. This girl in particular is really, really active on twitter, so I know that she'll post stuff every day (usually lots of pictures of herself). So I end up creeping her every day.

I know this is just me being insecure and stupid. When I first looked through her pictures, I wasn't a bit threatened. I knew I was prettier than her, and my boyfriend made fun of her once for being so tall and having "thunder thighs". But the more I look at her hundreds of selfies, the more I convince myself that she's way prettier than me, that I'm too short, that she has a better sense of style than me, she's smarter than me, more popular than me, better than me.

She seems to have her life together. She's done school and has a great job, while I'm still in school and have an okay job (even though I'm a year older than her). She seems positive and happy, and she has lots of friends (meanwhile I have no friends). I scrutinize her wardrobe and appearance and have recently started spending all my spare money on revamping my look, even though I've always been a huge tomboy. I want to be pretty enough for my boyfriend. Even though he tells me dozens of times a day that I'm by far the most beautiful girl he has ever been with.

I've always struggled with compulsive behaviour. I was really sick with bulimia as a teenager. And I guess I just really dislike myself in general.

Does anyone have any suggestions of how I can stop being so insecure? I know I should stop looking at her stupid twitter, and that creeping on her is a symptom of my overall insecurity. Ugh. I need to stop.

Sorry for the rant. Any help would be great.

 

[paperie]

I can understand being curious about your boyfriend's ex, but I don't understand why you're comparing yourself to her and feeling jealous. If he still wanted to be with her, he wouldn't have broken up with her. There must be many things he likes about you if he's been with you for 3 years. You should try your best to not look at her Twitter and pics. There are always going to be people who may be better looking and more successful (or appear to be) but that doesn't mean there aren't also great things about you. Beauty is also internal. I don't think obsessing about appearance is all that attractive in any way. Perhaps that's why he tells you that you're beautiful all the time, because you're more natural.

Also, maybe it's just me.....but I'd feel weird about a guy bashing their ex, at least when it comes to physical appearance. I think that's immature.

 

[Hellhound]

I don't think he'd want you to turn into a copy of his ex. If he's been with you for so long, it's because he likes you for who you are.

 

[Bree1989]

"Also, maybe it's just me.....but I'd feel weird about a guy bashing their ex, at least when it comes to physical appearance. I think that's immature."

Well, he actually only said that after I told him how insecure I was feeling, and that I had been creeping his ex. I agree, it's immature to diss exes like that. He only did it because I was being ridiculous.

And I agree with all of you. My behaviour is definitely not okay. My boyfriend thinks it's super weird, and I don't blame him at all. He says I have to stop. It's just really hard. It honestly feels like a compulsion. I feel the same as I used to feel when I was bulimic and would start bingeing. My mind just turns off and I do it, as if I had no control over my body. :S I feel like I need her to know that I'm better than her, but like...Why would that matter? She probably doesn't even know I exist.

 

[vj288]

I think you, and everyone else, are right to stop looking at the twitter and comparing yourself to his ex and even really thinking about her much at all. I know how it feels to have a compulsive desire to do something you really just do not want to do because nothing good will come of it, and is usually stemmed off an obsession. A lot of people go through the "obsessive boyfriend/girlfriend" syndrome where they get caught up in things that can just drive them crazy for, what anyone looking on the outside would say, no good reason.

I do think the first step should be removing the things that fuel the obsession. So looking at her twitter, or really anything else about her is a good place to start. Eventually you should be able to look and not care, but I feel it'd be easier to accomplish by first getting it out of your life for a little while.

Then, attack the thoughts themselves, and don't give them life by saying them out loud either. If it were someone else, you'd probably think they were acting crazy, so try to apply the same logic to yourself you would to someone else. Maybe like "If he wanted to be with her instead of me he would be, he wants to me because he is" or "His past doesn't matter, it was a part of his life that made him who he was and I'm happy for him and that he is who he is because of it." Stuff like that maybe. Just any time a thought creeps in about her, have a counter thought set up that will give you some peace of mind. Eventually you'll stop thinking about her as much, and you'll be able to focus on the more important parts of your relationship.

I may be off base with my advice since I don't know your situation exactly (or really what I'm talking about much of the time). I do know that obsessing over a part of your significant other's life, especially part of it that doesn't involve you, can just drive you crazy and cause you to lose sight of what's important. If that's the case, just get it out of your head and make room for the things that really do matter to make their way back and take root.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

lol. you sound like me. Me and my bf are together for 4 years now and they've broken up a long time ago. I know that I'm insecure too. I have lots of his exes that I'm insecure with because they are all frikkin pretty, sexy and confident, but my greatest insecurity is his ex for 5 years!!! This is also the reason why I don't wanna show up to his friends and family because I'm afraid they'll compare me with his exes! My bf knows this and he already convinced me a lot of times that there's no reason to keep obsessing on them but I couldn't stop sometimes.

These days I don't stalk them as much as before... actually I kind'a stopped it for a long time now. But when I'm feeling horrible again, for some weird reason, I torture myself by looking at his exe's account. Then I'll feel like a loser again when I see her happy, successful and surrounded by friends. And then I'll suddenly feel paranoid like I don't deserve him at all and he'll find somebody who's better soon. It's a horrible feeling. Atleast you know that you're prettier than the ex. But in my case, there's no competition between her exes and me. They are all frikkin gorgeous girls!

The only compensation I tell to myself is that I am nicer, I am the present gf, and I have the tendency to be cute sometimes (how freakin' lame)

I can't really help you how to stop. But what I did is, I let myself be obsessed with them. I even cried just to release my frustration. Then after several days I got used to seeing them (or her) that I got tired of it and I just stopped.

I know I wouldn't stop feeling insecure but atleast I have learned to think that he deserves me and I stopped stalking them for a long time now.