Not having any friends is a red flag?

[AtTheGates]

how to you go from having no REAL friends to socializing and getting people/making new friends? it seems like once people find out that you're a loner then thats pretty much the end of it and they just immedietly judge you for it and dismiss you...its so hard to make new friends when you don't already HAVE friends to vouch for you/put in the good word for you.....the friends I used to have would mostly talk shit about me behind my back and give people the worst possible description of me...like it was just a big joke to them...idk why they would always do that but they were never good friends in the first place.


I just don't know exactly what I have to do to convince people that I'm really not all that bad....at this point it really kind of seems futile to even try. Every time I think about it I just get really bummed out.

I'm currently working on losing weight/getting in better shape...so at least thats a START I guess...but it probably just a fraction of all the shit I'm going to need to do just to have a CHANCE at finding somewhere to fit in and meet new people.

 

[Requiescat]

I don't think it's like that. The problem is just to fond a way into a circle of people. In my case that's been starting literally from scratch. But putting myself out there more is already reaping dividends already. That's from not having a friend in eight years. The longer the period of isolation, the harder it is to become accustomed to that kind of company again. Your problem is old or current acquaintances damaging new ones, to which I would advise a clean break from. If you have no friends, just say to nothing to new people. If they ask if you have friends just say you stopped seeing them because you grew apart, don't speak negatively about them. And that is that. Your words and actions become their guide.

 

[awkwardamanda]

Oh, I hear ya. I've always felt like you have to have friends already to make new ones. Ok, there are exceptions to that. But generally it's easier when groups of friends can intermingle and then you can get to know friends of friends. I only have a couple of distant friends. I doubt I'll ever make new ones. I can't go anywhere alone and expect to meet people. I guess there's a slim chance I might hit it off with a colleague or a neighbour someday, but I'm not betting on it. I just don't really click with people. No one ever makes it past the acquaintance point.

And I worry about the off chance I might actually date someone. I dread the thought of dating some guy and then he wants to meet my friends or suggests I bring some friends to hang out with his friends or something. I'm gonna feel like a loser. But that's not likely to be an issue. It's hard to meet guys for the same reasons it's hard to make friends.

The problem is just to fond a way into a circle of people.

That's easier said than done. You can't just weasel your way into an already established group of friends. The only way I can see it working is if you somehow manage to get to know one person separately and then they introduce you to all their friends. But if that was me I'd feel pretty out of place and like I wasn't really part of the group.

 

[Ignopius]

It's a good thing to me. I want a girl that will be devoted completely to me.

 

[Kiwong]

The right people will want to be your friend if you reach out.

 

[Odo]

For some people, yes it definitely is.

People need outcasts because seeing people who aren't part of the group makes them feel like they are even more a part of their group, and if you associate yourself too closely with those people you will end up with their stigma and chances are they'll cling to you out of desperation.

There will sometimes be idealists and sympathizers but I think this sort of thing tends to disappear once these people realize just how difficult it is for someone on the inside to relate to and enjoy spending time with someone on the outside... usually the psychological effects of just being an outsider compound the barriers between them and the 'normal' people.

On the other hand, I do think that people respond well to certain attitudes and sometimes it really is a matter of the social climate being backwards or stupid as opposed to the person being at fault.

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

I just don't know exactly what I have to do to convince people that I'm really not all that bad....at this point it really kind of seems futile to even try. Every time I think about it I just get really bummed out.

You just gotta keep trying. "put yourself out there" like they say.

For a while I had this mantra of not rejecting any invitations or rather accepting all invitations (within reason of course!) Well, invitations are few and far between.

I have been pushing myself to go to work things; something that is totally new to me. Accept all invitations, right?

But people want a back story. Any story really. And all my stories are kinda negative (even if I try to spin it a different way), involving my struggles with mental illness. RED FLAG!!! And I don't do anything, other than work. At least I work now, such a triumph for me but people don't know that. It's such a regular thing to them.

I long so much to go out and do things with people but I just don't know how to do it.

 

[Nanita]

The ways I find it difficult to get friends:
I feel nervous around people nowadays, even people that I used to feel relaxed around.
I fear that they don't like me, or that they think I speak too much or that I'm too depressing to be around, or too weird.
And I'm afraid they will reject me.
I never know how to make plans with people, I feel awkward and not like myself whenever I contact anyone, or invite anyone or suggest we do something. It feels awful and I'm afraid of rejection.
Then if I actually succeed in making plans with someone, I feel awkward and nervous while being around them, I feel so nervous that I just want it to be over so I can be alone and relax.
I definitely feel like it's too difficult for me to have friends. I want to have friends and god knows I'm lonely and spend too much time alone. But it never feels good to be with people. I'm a social failure.

 

[kilojoule]

Idk I guess common interests help.

For instance if you're looking to get in shape, what about joining a running club or some such. That way you don't need anyone to vouch anything and the people you meet have no pre conceptions about you. You're all there to train and then its easier to talk more naturally because you have that to talk about.

 

[Deco]

In my 20s, I was always trying to keep my mind busy with positive things, like drawing, going to the gym, and being more open to invitations, even if it meant going out with people in university that I barely shared any interests with.

Once things start getting better and we manage to make at least a few friends, we better keep away from negative thoughts and overthinking. My paranoias and anxiety only made me lose friends.

But It's been hard to meet new people and even enjoy simple things and decent friendships.

 

[THeCARS1979]

how to you go from having no REAL friends to socializing and getting people/making new friends? it seems like once people find out that you're a loner then thats pretty much the end of it and they just immedietly judge you for it and dismiss you...its so hard to make new friends when you don't already HAVE friends to vouch for you/put in the good word for you.....the friends I used to have would mostly talk shit about me behind my back and give people the worst possible description of me...like it was just a big joke to them...idk why they would always do that but they were never good friends in the first place.


I just don't know exactly what I have to do to convince people that I'm really not all that bad....at this point it really kind of seems futile to even try. Every time I think about it I just get really bummed out.

I'm currently working on losing weight/getting in better shape...so at least thats a START I guess...but it probably just a fraction of all the shit I'm going to need to do just to have a CHANCE at finding somewhere to fit in and meet new people.

I ve had that happen before. people dont understand the damage they can do. Now at the age of 41 i have a few people i hang out with. the pain never really goes away. You just have to keep trying and pushing, Some things get better as you get older

 

[LKK]

I don't find that. I think most people judge me for me irrespective of anything else. Every new person is a clean slate, that's how I see it

 

[Argentum]

I don't think having friends has anything to do with being good, as I believe people are intrinsically bad (... at being pro-social, self-aware, generous, non-damaging, and empathetic). Bigots have friends. Bullies have friends. Murderers have friends.

People seek out people who make them feel good, resonate as "one of the group", or do something for them. Unfortunately, it's usually exploitative in my experience. The number of people I've met who'd think twice about hurting me for their own benefit is microscopic compared to the people, friends included, who didn't hesitate or feel bad beyond that they almost lost their source of entertainment when I found out.

Just choose the right ones, or don't actually give your heart to the wrong ones if you just need their company for awhile.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

...the friends I used to have would mostly talk shit about me behind my back and give people the worst possible description of me...like it was just a big joke to them...idk why they would always do that but they were never good friends in the first place.


I just don't know exactly what I have to do to convince people that I'm really not all that bad....at this point it really kind of seems futile to even try. Every time I think about it I just get really bummed out.

Would it be indiscreet to ask what your friends say behind your back so that no one want to be your friends? Just trying to figure out your situation. Making friends is already tiring, I would find it very exhausting if I had to start from a bad reputation and change people's mind everytime I want to befriend someone who I know from someone else.

 

[Deco]

These days, if you manage to rebuild your social life from scratch, then you're super bad ***, seriously.

The 21st Century is Natural and Social Selection on Nitrous.