effulgence
New member
Hi people, this is my first post after chancing upon this forum following an event which I'll shortly recount, from which the impetus to solicit advice came. Thanks in advance for any help rendered 
First off, just a little bit about myself. I'm currently a first year uni. student and I've had APD for approximately 5 years, the severity of which gradually increased over the years.
It got markedly worse when I was drafted for mandatory military service as I reside in Singapore. Just try to imagine having to put up with living up close and personal with barking sergeants and loads of guys in barracks situated on an offshore jungle island in the middle of nowhere completely cut of from civilization, having to be in jungles firing a rifle at 2 a.m. during night training etc. It was a terriby trying time. As an aside, fortunately I was posted to a service unit at the military HQ following my basic military training.
Next came college. As a side effect of APD and the anxiety and depression induced by it, I have difficulty concentrating and being motivated. I think thoughts like what's the point of succeeding in getting a college degree and all when I can't even function relationally, something that is all too crucial in society? Sooner or later I would get bogged down and curtailed in terms of success and fulfillment by this debilitating condition. It doesn't help that my programme, computer science, is rather rigorous and demanding and I'm hardly in the right state of being to properly engage it. Consequently, I have been missing loads of classes and have heaps of work to catch up on and I'm already a little past the midpoint of the semester. Me having made no friends up to this point - second semester - really compounds the problem as I am unable to even borrow solutions given in tutorials I skipped.
To cut to the chase, in an attempt to break free of that woeful existence, I recently plucked up my courage and went to attend a young adults ministry at a mega-church on my own accord, albeit with a friend whom I had met during my military service days.
Serendipitously, this friend of mine who had arrived at the church earlier than I did was approached by a total stranger while he was sitting alone. They got acquainted, one thing led to another and soon we were both led to join small groups, the grouping of which is based on the institution one was in. Since I am in a different uni from my friend, we had to split ways. Now I'm sure most here can empathize with me and realize how nerve-wrecking that was for me.
After the church service ended, as was the usual practice, each small group headed out to have dinner. With bated trepidation and the pain of my condition at the back my mind as the impetus, I tagged along with my new group. Since my group was made up of engineering students, there were less girls - 3 compared to about 9 guys. Still, it was a problem as it is even harder for me to maintain equanimity when around girls. In retrospect, I still wonder how I managed to pull that off, that being being in a group in which everyone else knew each other well with me being a total stranger with a disorder.
The conversations started in earnest after we had gotten our food and then it started to get bad for me. I realized that everyone in the group were more or less well-adjusted and gregarious people. Most could talk at length on anything with ease. As I was new, I had to go through the perfunctory self-introductions and 'nice to meet you' stuff which was distressing as all eyes and attention became fastened on me.
A combination of two things made matters worse. Firstly, as you could imagine, I responded to casual questions with monosyllabic answers or short phrases and probably appeared curt; I also appeared needlessly serious. How I had wished for them to know that I had nothing against them; it was my anxiety kicking in. Secondly, when I'm anxious, I get a physiological reaction in that my voice becomes very soft and tinny like a kid's; I had to repeat myself on many occasions. Furthermore, due to anxiety, how I speak is totally incongruent with how I write. I write decently well, but I fumble often when I speak, making me look foolish.
I tried to suppress the jitters by putting on a nonchalant poker face and looking like I was interested in what others were saying when all I could think about was how I appeared and what I should say next, forcing a smile here and there in an attempt to appear more approachable. However, I simply couldn't think of much to say. It was so obvious that my taciturnity and silence was conspicuously loud that it was probably disquieting to them. I hated being aware of the fact that they had to go out of their way to engage me and make me feel at ease. Additionally, I hated that I looked feeble and vulnerable in front of the girls.
I behaved like a fish out of water. I felt so unworthy of them and saw myself as a burden, like a third wheel. I also worry about the potentiality of them eventually discovering what my life has been like for the past few years and how I pathetically do not have a single friend in uni. I also feel that it's much less acceptable for a guy to have APD and SA than it is for a girl and that only makes me feel more lousy. In short, I felt utterly alone. By incurring even more shame, I ended up feeling worse than before I took the step to recovery, which in turn further increased my depression.
As a sidenote, one possible reason for me not being able to engage in casual conversation is because most of it at least to me consists of trivial and inconsequential stuff. I find myself tending to gravitate towards deeper and profound stuff, and I say this at the risk of appearing conceited. It's possible that I'm so not wired to interact with others in a manner that is expedient and superficial. I do not have a facebook account for two reasons. The first is obviously not wanting to embarrass myself by a lack of a social life and the second, even if my social situation wasn't so bad, I still wouldn't as much of what it's used for is decidedly lame and superficial to me.
Did I make the right move? Is it counter-productive to instead of taking baby steps, make a quantum leap by surrounding myself with a large group of gregarious people? I must add that it is very straining to have to appear normal like them and to always be feeling that I can't fit in and don't belong.
I have gone to a psychologist before but it was a bad experience that left a bad taste in my mouth. He was totally unsympathetic and gave the impression that he thought I was either ridiculous or blowing things out of proportion. Not to mention that there was a beautiful intern sitting right next to him that made me unable to be completely at ease and transparent.
The group meets on a weekly basis at campus, and after having gone through such a traumatic experience, part of me dreads the next meeting, while another realizes that I need to stick it out if I really want to recover. I'm truly conflicted about my next course of action. Any help is welcomed and pardon me for rambling
First off, just a little bit about myself. I'm currently a first year uni. student and I've had APD for approximately 5 years, the severity of which gradually increased over the years.
It got markedly worse when I was drafted for mandatory military service as I reside in Singapore. Just try to imagine having to put up with living up close and personal with barking sergeants and loads of guys in barracks situated on an offshore jungle island in the middle of nowhere completely cut of from civilization, having to be in jungles firing a rifle at 2 a.m. during night training etc. It was a terriby trying time. As an aside, fortunately I was posted to a service unit at the military HQ following my basic military training.
Next came college. As a side effect of APD and the anxiety and depression induced by it, I have difficulty concentrating and being motivated. I think thoughts like what's the point of succeeding in getting a college degree and all when I can't even function relationally, something that is all too crucial in society? Sooner or later I would get bogged down and curtailed in terms of success and fulfillment by this debilitating condition. It doesn't help that my programme, computer science, is rather rigorous and demanding and I'm hardly in the right state of being to properly engage it. Consequently, I have been missing loads of classes and have heaps of work to catch up on and I'm already a little past the midpoint of the semester. Me having made no friends up to this point - second semester - really compounds the problem as I am unable to even borrow solutions given in tutorials I skipped.
To cut to the chase, in an attempt to break free of that woeful existence, I recently plucked up my courage and went to attend a young adults ministry at a mega-church on my own accord, albeit with a friend whom I had met during my military service days.
Serendipitously, this friend of mine who had arrived at the church earlier than I did was approached by a total stranger while he was sitting alone. They got acquainted, one thing led to another and soon we were both led to join small groups, the grouping of which is based on the institution one was in. Since I am in a different uni from my friend, we had to split ways. Now I'm sure most here can empathize with me and realize how nerve-wrecking that was for me.
After the church service ended, as was the usual practice, each small group headed out to have dinner. With bated trepidation and the pain of my condition at the back my mind as the impetus, I tagged along with my new group. Since my group was made up of engineering students, there were less girls - 3 compared to about 9 guys. Still, it was a problem as it is even harder for me to maintain equanimity when around girls. In retrospect, I still wonder how I managed to pull that off, that being being in a group in which everyone else knew each other well with me being a total stranger with a disorder.
The conversations started in earnest after we had gotten our food and then it started to get bad for me. I realized that everyone in the group were more or less well-adjusted and gregarious people. Most could talk at length on anything with ease. As I was new, I had to go through the perfunctory self-introductions and 'nice to meet you' stuff which was distressing as all eyes and attention became fastened on me.
A combination of two things made matters worse. Firstly, as you could imagine, I responded to casual questions with monosyllabic answers or short phrases and probably appeared curt; I also appeared needlessly serious. How I had wished for them to know that I had nothing against them; it was my anxiety kicking in. Secondly, when I'm anxious, I get a physiological reaction in that my voice becomes very soft and tinny like a kid's; I had to repeat myself on many occasions. Furthermore, due to anxiety, how I speak is totally incongruent with how I write. I write decently well, but I fumble often when I speak, making me look foolish.
I tried to suppress the jitters by putting on a nonchalant poker face and looking like I was interested in what others were saying when all I could think about was how I appeared and what I should say next, forcing a smile here and there in an attempt to appear more approachable. However, I simply couldn't think of much to say. It was so obvious that my taciturnity and silence was conspicuously loud that it was probably disquieting to them. I hated being aware of the fact that they had to go out of their way to engage me and make me feel at ease. Additionally, I hated that I looked feeble and vulnerable in front of the girls.
I behaved like a fish out of water. I felt so unworthy of them and saw myself as a burden, like a third wheel. I also worry about the potentiality of them eventually discovering what my life has been like for the past few years and how I pathetically do not have a single friend in uni. I also feel that it's much less acceptable for a guy to have APD and SA than it is for a girl and that only makes me feel more lousy. In short, I felt utterly alone. By incurring even more shame, I ended up feeling worse than before I took the step to recovery, which in turn further increased my depression.
As a sidenote, one possible reason for me not being able to engage in casual conversation is because most of it at least to me consists of trivial and inconsequential stuff. I find myself tending to gravitate towards deeper and profound stuff, and I say this at the risk of appearing conceited. It's possible that I'm so not wired to interact with others in a manner that is expedient and superficial. I do not have a facebook account for two reasons. The first is obviously not wanting to embarrass myself by a lack of a social life and the second, even if my social situation wasn't so bad, I still wouldn't as much of what it's used for is decidedly lame and superficial to me.
Did I make the right move? Is it counter-productive to instead of taking baby steps, make a quantum leap by surrounding myself with a large group of gregarious people? I must add that it is very straining to have to appear normal like them and to always be feeling that I can't fit in and don't belong.
I have gone to a psychologist before but it was a bad experience that left a bad taste in my mouth. He was totally unsympathetic and gave the impression that he thought I was either ridiculous or blowing things out of proportion. Not to mention that there was a beautiful intern sitting right next to him that made me unable to be completely at ease and transparent.
The group meets on a weekly basis at campus, and after having gone through such a traumatic experience, part of me dreads the next meeting, while another realizes that I need to stick it out if I really want to recover. I'm truly conflicted about my next course of action. Any help is welcomed and pardon me for rambling
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