SickCycleCarousel
Well-known member
My OCD started when I was 10. I was afraid of being kidnapped and raped.
When I was 12 I became afraid of being a pedophile.
When I was 21 I started having sexual thoughts about my younger brother (who was 18 at the time). Whenever I would have a thought I would immediately get sick to my stomach and become anxious. I would begin to do anything to get my mind off the thought: I would pop my knuckles; stretch; rub my toes together and contort my body. After awhile I convinced myself I was having the sexual thoughts because I was in love with him. When I had that thought I had the worst panic attack I have ever experienced in my life. I felt like I was being possessed by "god" and the "devil". I took a shower and scratched myself from head to toe (but not enough to draw blood). I was scared out of mind that it was true. I began to think of the guy I had liked and slept with; he was a cancer - my brother is a cancer; he had a deep voice - my brother has a deep voice; I convinced myself that I really was subconsciously in love with my brother because I liked a guy that SORT of resembled him.
I went to my mother and told her I was scared that I was being possessed but I could NOT tell her what I was fearing. I didn't want her to think it was true. I didn't want her to think I was a sick pervert. I didn't want her to send me off to a psych hospital or anything, so I kept the fear to myself.
When I developed that particular fear I also developed the fear of going crazy or going schizophrenic. I also began to fear that I was going to kill my sister and parents. The fear of killing her would make me so scared that I would sit on my hands and bite my lips and tongue until the anxiety went away. I saw a knife on my bathroom sink one night and when I saw it I got the image of killing my family member with it and became so terrified by the thought that I had to hide the knife myself. I had the "urge" to grab it and stab her. I thought I was going to pass out from the anxiety.
These days I no longer fear I'm going to go crazy/schizophrenic and kill my family. But I still have the fear that I'm in love with my brother. I have to remind myself it IS indeed a fear because I am disturbed by the thought and get sick to my stomach.
I cannot shake this fear off. I have convinced myself that it's true and it makes me feel so sick. I feel like i'm a freak. When I listen to songs about love and whatnot I "check" myself to see if I "feel anything special" about my bro, of course I don't. You would think that would reassure me and make me feel better but it doesn't. I have trouble sleeping, and I often wake up in the middle of the night shaking and hating myself and panicking that it's true and I think I want to die.
I couldn't hang out with him for the longest time because I was afraid I'd act on the thoughts. I have contemplated suicide many times because I cannot stand these thoughts anymore. I think if it's true I want to die because I am a sick freak.
I was prescribed Fluoxetine a couple weeks ago, but it's not helping entirely. I feel anxious when I get the thoughts but I also feel numb. The numbness scares me. It makes me feel like I am "giving in" to the thoughts and accepting them as true.
I want these thoughts to end. I want to tell my mom about this fear but I don't feel like she'll understand. My doc asked me if I would like to see a therapist/councilor..I told her I'd think about it. I want to because I would really like to get some insight about this particular fear. But I am also scared because I don't want him/her to tell me that it is in fact a subconscious desire.
I'm sorry this is so long but I am really losing my mind here (what mind I do have anyway, as I am so numb from the Prozac).
I Googled this fear and found someone who shares these thoughts, so I feel better knowing I am not alone. I have been wanting to post about this since I joined but I didn't want to be thought of as a freak. I've kept this to myself for five years. I am constantly on edge and stressed as hell.
I really needed to get this out of my head.
I'm so scared to post this, but I just want to know I am not alone. I want to know this is in fact OCD. I want to be assured I am not a freak. This has me constantly on the verge of tears but I feel like I can't cry because it will mean it's true and I'm crying because I "can't have him".
I think I'm going to go throw up now.
Thanks for listening.
I want to add that I am terrified of liking men because I don't want find one that reminds me of my brother. I'm becoming turned off by males and I am convincing myself that i am a lesbian. I find women attractive and think I'd like to be with one but the thought of having sex with a woman grosses me out (just a little bit).
I'm a mess. =\
When I was 12 I became afraid of being a pedophile.
When I was 21 I started having sexual thoughts about my younger brother (who was 18 at the time). Whenever I would have a thought I would immediately get sick to my stomach and become anxious. I would begin to do anything to get my mind off the thought: I would pop my knuckles; stretch; rub my toes together and contort my body. After awhile I convinced myself I was having the sexual thoughts because I was in love with him. When I had that thought I had the worst panic attack I have ever experienced in my life. I felt like I was being possessed by "god" and the "devil". I took a shower and scratched myself from head to toe (but not enough to draw blood). I was scared out of mind that it was true. I began to think of the guy I had liked and slept with; he was a cancer - my brother is a cancer; he had a deep voice - my brother has a deep voice; I convinced myself that I really was subconsciously in love with my brother because I liked a guy that SORT of resembled him.
I went to my mother and told her I was scared that I was being possessed but I could NOT tell her what I was fearing. I didn't want her to think it was true. I didn't want her to think I was a sick pervert. I didn't want her to send me off to a psych hospital or anything, so I kept the fear to myself.
When I developed that particular fear I also developed the fear of going crazy or going schizophrenic. I also began to fear that I was going to kill my sister and parents. The fear of killing her would make me so scared that I would sit on my hands and bite my lips and tongue until the anxiety went away. I saw a knife on my bathroom sink one night and when I saw it I got the image of killing my family member with it and became so terrified by the thought that I had to hide the knife myself. I had the "urge" to grab it and stab her. I thought I was going to pass out from the anxiety.
These days I no longer fear I'm going to go crazy/schizophrenic and kill my family. But I still have the fear that I'm in love with my brother. I have to remind myself it IS indeed a fear because I am disturbed by the thought and get sick to my stomach.
I cannot shake this fear off. I have convinced myself that it's true and it makes me feel so sick. I feel like i'm a freak. When I listen to songs about love and whatnot I "check" myself to see if I "feel anything special" about my bro, of course I don't. You would think that would reassure me and make me feel better but it doesn't. I have trouble sleeping, and I often wake up in the middle of the night shaking and hating myself and panicking that it's true and I think I want to die.
I couldn't hang out with him for the longest time because I was afraid I'd act on the thoughts. I have contemplated suicide many times because I cannot stand these thoughts anymore. I think if it's true I want to die because I am a sick freak.
I was prescribed Fluoxetine a couple weeks ago, but it's not helping entirely. I feel anxious when I get the thoughts but I also feel numb. The numbness scares me. It makes me feel like I am "giving in" to the thoughts and accepting them as true.
I want these thoughts to end. I want to tell my mom about this fear but I don't feel like she'll understand. My doc asked me if I would like to see a therapist/councilor..I told her I'd think about it. I want to because I would really like to get some insight about this particular fear. But I am also scared because I don't want him/her to tell me that it is in fact a subconscious desire.
I'm sorry this is so long but I am really losing my mind here (what mind I do have anyway, as I am so numb from the Prozac).
I Googled this fear and found someone who shares these thoughts, so I feel better knowing I am not alone. I have been wanting to post about this since I joined but I didn't want to be thought of as a freak. I've kept this to myself for five years. I am constantly on edge and stressed as hell.
I really needed to get this out of my head.
I'm so scared to post this, but I just want to know I am not alone. I want to know this is in fact OCD. I want to be assured I am not a freak. This has me constantly on the verge of tears but I feel like I can't cry because it will mean it's true and I'm crying because I "can't have him".
I think I'm going to go throw up now.
Thanks for listening.
I want to add that I am terrified of liking men because I don't want find one that reminds me of my brother. I'm becoming turned off by males and I am convincing myself that i am a lesbian. I find women attractive and think I'd like to be with one but the thought of having sex with a woman grosses me out (just a little bit).
I'm a mess. =\
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