Marine

[jiujitsu]

I'm a United States Marine. I'm 24 years old and I'm in the infantry. I won't say which unit. I'm a Lance Corporal. I've been on a combat deployment to Afghanistan. I was there for 8 months in 2008.

I have Social Anxiety. I didn't really want to tell anyone here that I was a Marine when I joined the forum a few months ago. I joined over Christmas leave. I have this thing where I want to see if people like me when they don't know what I am. I don't really visit here much, though, so it's okay.

I've had Social Anxiety for as long as I can remember. I had few friends in high school and basically avoided girls at all costs. I went to a community college for 2 years and hated it. I only needed elective credits to get an associates degree, but refused to go back. It's when I started seriously considering the Marines. I wanted to do something I was proud of and the thought of that silly degree made me feel ashamed.

I hid in my room for nearly two years after that. I just couldn't do it. I'd sleep most of the day and wait for my family to go to sleep before I'd come out. My parents cut off all of my forms of entertainment and eventually threatened to basically have the men in white coats come and take me away if I didn't get a job or go back to college. The hardest word I have ever uttered from my lips is "Marines." I said it when I was shaking and backed into the corner of their room trying to keep standing with this tremendous amount of anxiety pouring down upon me.

I knew once I said it I'd be on the path. My pride would hold me to it no matter what. Over the next week I couldn't eat or sleep as I did what I had to do for the recruiters to get myself medically examined. I failed the blood pressure test. They let me try again. I had to lie when asked about history of anxiety and depression. I knew it would disqualify me.

I had a belief. I believed that the Marine Corps would beat the fear out of me. That it would cure me. "Get better or die trying.", is what I thought to myself. I wouldn't let anything stop me at that point. So, off I went. On February 19th 2007 I flew down to Parris Island, South Carolina to begin Marine Corps Recruit Training. I was half right. SA was kept it check while I was there. Every minute of our day was scheduled and socializing was the least of my worries as Drill Instructors lit into me every day.

I sit here now two years after graduating from Parris Island. I still have Social Anxiety. There is a difference, though. I can do what I have to do now on my own. The fear is no longer the number one priority. I still avoid socializing, but I have many friends here. It is hard not to make friends in the Marine Corps. My biggest issue right now is my lack of contact with females. I have a lot of depression because of it. It's made worse because all day I listen to my friends talk about their girlfriends and wives and children and all I do is talk to a couple of Chinese girls on the internet. Chinese as in they live in China. Their time is the exact opposite of my time. If they lived in America I'd probably stop talking to them because I'd be afraid they might want to meet me.

Fear is a funny thing. I've been targeted by snipers. I've been targeted by indirect fire. I've driven on roads with known IED threat daily. I've watched injured friends get air lifted off of the battlefield. I'm fine with all of that. I can't wait to go back for one more. I wouldn't talk to a girl face to face if someone paid me. What do you all think about that? I think that I may not be afraid to die, but I sure as hell am afraid to live.

A large part of me hopes I don't make it home the next time I leave. The other part wants to go back to college and become a doctor and marry a good girl and have ten babies. Maybe it's just a silly dream. Though, I thought that about becoming a Marine. That's what little hope I have. I wish you all luck in life.

Semper Fi

 

[Tiercel]

Fear is a funny thing. I've been targeted by snipers. I've been targeted by indirect fire. I've driven on roads with known IED threat daily. I've watched injured friends get air lifted off of the battlefield. I'm fine with all of that. I can't wait to go back for one more. I wouldn't talk to a girl face to face if someone paid me. What do you all think about that? I think that I may not be afraid to die, but I sure as hell am afraid to live.

I know all about that afraid to live thing. And I think a lot of the guys on this site would rather face the possibility of death than social interaction with a woman. But the next time you get the opportunity to do so, I hope you choose to. After all, you're a f-ing United States Marine. You can do anything. Except maybe what the SEALs do. ::

And isn't one of the tenants of serving in the military denying female companionship to healthy, young men? That's like working in a gay bar and complaining that the only women you meet are lesbians.

But seriously, use that whole Marine thing as an inspiration to talk to women when you get the chance. And tell yourself the "I can do anything" part. I wouldn't recommend using "I won't talk to her, and I call myself a Marine?" That just puts more pressure on you in an already stressful situation.

Just think of us poor bastards who can't even say that about ourselves. Hell, I've thought about joining the army since 2002. But I already know they wouldn't take me for various reasons. And at the same time I know I only think about signing up with hopes that it would eventually be a death sentence. And that makes me feel that if I did join up I'd somehow devalue the service of those who signed up for better reasons.

But I'll spare you any more of the "I could/should do that" and "thanks for serving" BS, as I'm sure you hear enough of it when you come home. Your dream of becoming a Marine has come true, so who's to say you'll never make lots and lots of babies? You just haven't found the proper "tool" for that job yet. But if you come home in a box, you'll never meet the aforementioned "tool" and fall in love, get married, and spend the rest of your life wishing you were back in the Marines. So stay safe and don't beat yourself up too much over your lack of interaction with women. And when your enlistment is up, maybe you can get a job at a Victoria's Secret or a hair salon.

DISCLAIMER: In my 28 years I've never been on a single date with anyone. Take my relationship advice at your own risk.

 

[qwerty103]

I understand what you mean about the anxiety not being the number 1 priority anymore. I had similar experiences with it.

As for the females it's a pretty different thing for me. I think I kinda got used to it (I don't really think I want one anymore) and for some reason my depression just went away. Doesn't mean that I don't like girls anymore, it just means that I can live and be happy being single. Pretty weird isn't it?

I also thought about being a soldier because I believe that unattainable dreams are the best kind. The only reason why I didn't is because I don't know if what I will fight for is right. I would be a one man army if I can heh.

You said that you've been targeted by snipers and by indirect fire. There's a reason why you're still alive today. Don't you think you can still start over? You're not the only one with this problem, even I am still searching for answers.

You are still young. Until you can choose how to live your own life, you must stay alive.

Because of what happened to your past, you don't even value your own life. That is what allows the darkness nesting deep in your heart to take over your soul. Even using this to protect those that you love or the weak, it is only a moment in the long, continuous strands of time.

Live on my friend.

 

[DaaaBulls]

Hey,

I considered joining the Coast Guard after my freshman, sophmore, and junior years at college. I would feel great about joining and then get scared to death of the commitment. I just couldn't see myself commiting 4 years of my life and not being able to get out of it. Plus I just couldn't see myself doing it with my sweaty hands as they are severe and they make normal tasks more difficult, although I am sure I could have handled what ever I needed to do. But congrats on getting the courage to actually do it, and especially in the marines. It must have been a nerve racking experience.

As for the girls, you are not alone there. I think with experience comes confidence, if you have never been with or had much experience with a girl then why would you have any confidence in that area? I think that after you make it through a couple relationships or hookups or just some simple encounters then it makes things easier going forward. I know for myself that I am terrified of good looking girls but then again I haven't had any experience with them so I really shouldn't expect to be good at talking with them yet. Hopefully I can find some good lookers who are also good people and this can boost my confidence. But keep at it and stay safe, you don't want to come home like some of those disabled vets. It is just sad and a shame to see our youth dying or coming back mutilated over war.

Good Luck

 

[DaaaBulls]

And btw thank you for everything you have done for us. I know I sometimes take for granted the fact I am safe and there are people like yourself fighting for our safety. I know you hear it a lot but thank you.

 

[Plissken]

Thank you for telling your story. The fact that someone like me could actually join the Marines like that has given me some hope. Honestly my story is very similar to yours, the whole community college thing, and now the hiding in my room thing. The amount of time for each is very close.

As for the part with the girls, I don't know what to say. You might end up needing some sort of external pressure to be put on you to be in a situation like that. As embarrassing as it might be maybe you could ask for help from friends or something. But then again, it takes a lot of willpower to set yourself up in a situation like that.

 

[Ashiene]

In the military you're treated like shit. Do you really think that will help your social anxiety?

 

[LostViking]

I actually wanted to join up and go for the Dog Patrol. Training a dog like that sounded horribly interesting.

Sadly I didn't get a chance since I have brittle bones :/

 

[DaaaBulls]

My thought on joining the military was that you would be thrown into a situation where you were with a bunch of guys, therefore it would take the making friends part out of social anxiety easier. But everything else about the military didn't appeal to me.

 

[Hoppy]

I spend two years in the Army. I remembered it with affection, made some friends, talked to people. One of the things I realised is that when I was wearing my uniform I actually had another indentity, much more outgoing and assertive. That was a long time ago.

 

[mylifephails]

hmm.. i have been to pais island but lasted a month there.. i couldnt handle it physicly and i was shouted at for being slow... i cried at nights.. i told my DI that i wanted to quit.. he said im not allowed too.. i had to find a way.. and i did.. a guy tried to commit suicide and we didnt see him the whole day.. we thought he was being punished.. but when he came back.. he said their sending him home.. i was so releaved i found my escape.. but i said i had to wait so i dont apear suspicious.. i was in the bathroom and took my razor out and i told to the fire watch guy i feel like i gonna kill myself now.. he ran off and told the DI.. it wasnt my DI it was another one.. my DI was away luckly.. the other DI was kind with me he said "you really hate this so much that u think u will take ur life away if this keeps on going?" i said "i think so, suicide is the only thing ive been thinking about ever since i came here, i didnt imagine it would be this hard, maybe im not meant to be a marine, i dont have what it takes" he said he'll take me to the clinic and get me a medical discharge.. i was lucky to gt one.. since i was told it was a 50-50 chance.. but thank God i got it.. after that i was sent to a seperation platoon.. we had to wait few weeks till we wee taken home.. we still had to do cleaning and stuff but no Drilling or going to the pit or stuff.. but it still sucked but i managed untill my day came to leave .. i was sick as hell.. i arrived 2 days after (long bus and plane trip) and i stayed at my grandpas house for months.. then i went to my dads country my dad got me a job in a nearby country .. i just finished working a year.. and im going back to my other country to look for a job there.. i hope i find one -_-im too anxious to think about looking for another job ..

 

[slimjim119]

I give you alot of credit for joining the Marines and making it through basic training having SA. I tried joining the Army but couldn't get in due to health reasons. One being my blood pressure reading was sky high during the medical examination. Even when they took it a second time. I always wanted to serve.My father served in the Navy. I know I wouldn't of been cured of SA, but I'm sure I would of made it through basic training. Best of luck getting out of the hellhole you are in now.