My first two days at my new job are a fact! Thankfully now i have a day off and can breathe a little... I had so much trouble sleeping last couple a days that i'm exhausted right now. But thank god that tonight i was able to sleep for 8 hours (even set my alarm because i need to get used to my new "sleepschedual" otherwise i probably would be still sleeping right now).
Anyway i promised to update you on how my first days would be. A lot of mixed feelings to be honest. I'll try to give you an impression of how i experienced my first days and describe the environment im in.
When i came in the woman who took the job interview (my boss) showed me around and introduced me to my new collegues. This is something that always scares me, but i was able to keep my anxiety under control and it went fine. Actually meeting new people is getting easier for me lately.
After my introduction she showed me to my desk and left me with my new roommates. I'm sitting in a room with 4 other people, but it's connected to another room with another 4 people. Opposed to me sits the woman who is supposed to show me around. She appeared to be the total opposite of what i thought in the beginning. She is not socially anxious at all. At least not at work. There's also one intern who also helps me who i really like and find easy to talk to. Then there is another guy who is very outgoing but in such a nice way. So far there are no problems. But besides me sits a girl who is around my age and very nice as well. Being around women my age always is a little hard for me. Eventhough im not really atrackted to her, i find it hard to talk to or around her. I think that is because she is very confident and a little distant to me compared to the others. Only her being there can make me feel anxious. In the room attached to mine are sitting 3 older women and a girl my age. Also very nice. But the one my age is a big problem for me, because she is pretty gorgeous. Like the other girl she acts distant (more than the other one) which makes me feel uneasy. So having these two girls around makes me feel very uncomfortable.
Actually now i realise these kind of situations hit the core of my problems. This is where it all started. Me not being able to be myself in situations where there are poeple around that make me feel uncomfortable. Over the years (probably caused by aviodant behaviour) more and more people made me uncomfortable and i started to lose all my selfconfidence, because i made a fool out of myself every time being in these situations. I think all my other problems (like making friends, being overconscious the way i look or act, ) now are the result of this. It has changed me into a completely different person i am now.
Sorry for the interruption, but i felt i had to write this down
So because im not feeling very comfortable there, i'm a little quiet. I talk, but only when i'm asked something or when i feel i have to say something. Sometimes i can get overtalketive in these situations and make a complete fool out of myself, but i chose not to this time. I feel good about the way im handling it right now. Eventually i hope to get more at ease and start to talk more. But for now i try to focus on the job.
Yesterday (my second day) was actually much harder than the first. The night before i slept only 1 hour all together so from the start i was tired and even was a little nauseous. I didn't feel like talking much and felt some depressive thoughts comming up. So i decided not to say to much and blame my depressive thoughts on my lack of sleep.
But at the end of the day my boss asked me if i liked it to be working there (with a concerned expression on her face). Well now ofc i'm not having fun, but thats just because these are the circumstances i have trouble with the most. But it's not so cool that apparently i radiate some vibe that i'm not having fun which im so much trying to cover up. And how on earth do you reply to this. I can't say that im social phobic (well i can, but i don't think that is a smart thing to do and evenso i don't think i would dare). I got away with it by saying that i had trouble sleeping lately and it being my first days there, but thats not something i can keep saying obviously. So now i feel pressured to be more socially active and pretend to be happy all the time. Which makes me ALLOT more anxious. These kind of small remarks can get me so down...
So in the end i'm happy the way i handled my first days (considering the circumstances), but i'm feeling far from comfortable right now and so far the job is kind of dull. I'm trying to see it as a good trainingground to work on my social skills (my therapy starts soon)and not let it get to me to much. It's just a temporary job and my biggest goal is getting over my anxiety anyway....
I am happy for you, it is a hard thing to go to a job interview for someone with SA.I am over qualified but but failed on interviews because of this disease.
Please Pray for me.
Thanks! In the end it wasn't so hard. You should keep in mind that when the interview would be a disaster it doesn't matter. If you don't get the job, you will never have to see those people anyway and try again somewhere else. That thought helped me be less anxious. But i will pray for you