I don't know whats wrong with me :(

[Cyanide2601]

So i am visiting where i used to live, mainly to see my family but i also wanted to meet up with some of my old friends. Everyone seemed quite excited i was coming home, and i was too. I have seen all my family, and thats been lovely. The problem is i havn't seen one of my friends. They have messaged me countless times asking where i am, and i if i want to do something, but for some reason unknown to me, i end up making excuses for why i can't see them. When in reality all i'm doing is sitting on this stupid laptop, it feels like a prison at the moment.
All my life i have never had many friends, and i have always been jealous of people who have a tight circle of friends. I long for human company. So why i am pushing the only friends i do have away? If i carry on like this i will end up alone

 

[new account]

Maybe it doesn't feel right to you because you might not feel close enough to them to feel that you are worthy of being their friend. Maybe you think that they don't care about you as much as you want them to or you feel left out sometimes compared to how you see them treat their other friends. That's happened to me too. I just try to not talk to anyone because I never feel that they really think of me as good enough. I feel like I'm their side friend for when no one else is around for them to talk to. Do you feel like that?

I started to not care at all if I talk to anyone so I won't have to worry about it. If I keep acting like I don't care, then I may become immune to that feeling, right?

 

[MikeyC]

You're aware you're making excuses, so when one of your friends asks to do something, go against what you're feeling and say yes. You'll likely enjoy it. Making that initial step can be difficult but you will be okay.

 

[Niceguy23]

I dont know. I am the same way I enjoy being alone and by myself But sometimes I do happen to meet people mostly girls and they like me and I like them back sometimes there is a connection and I love that feeling but for some reason I push them away too. I always do then after I do I get even more depressed

 

[movielover21]

From your original title, I don't think there is anything wrong with you. I've found myself in the same situations before.

You hinted at jealously which may be what's causing you to be frustrated at yourself afterwords. Perhaps the friends you are seeing that seem so "close knit" really aren't and they have problems too. They just aren't willing to admit them. True friends invite you out to places because they want to be with you. From what you've written it seems like you have some genuine friends even though you moved away. So even if you don't want to hang out with them, I'd do it anyway. Real friends stay with you no matter where you live.

One of my best friends lives 3 hours away and we stay in contact all the time. Not because we have to, but because that's what friends do. Even if you just want to hide behind the covers, you still have to put yourself out there or you'll never be able to grow.

 

[jaim38]

My friends are mostly scattered in different locations in different cities or countries so I can't hang out with them, unless I have the money to drive or fly over. I think there's only 1 friend left in my city (don't know if she moved away though), but I don't feel like hanging out with her because hanging out requires money. Whether we go to the movies, the mall, the zoo - they all require money. Several times, I went to the mall with her and all I did was window shop; she was the only one buying clothes and stuff. I must have looked like a cheapskate. I just want to wait until I get a job and earn money before I go hang out with people or fly over to meet them.

 

[Niceguy23]

My friends are mostly scattered in different locations in different cities or countries so I can't hang out with them, unless I have the money to drive or fly over. I think there's only 1 friend left in my city (don't know if she moved away though), but I don't feel like hanging out with her because hanging out requires money. Whether we go to the movies, the mall, the zoo - they all require money. Several times, I went to the mall with her and all I did was window shop; she was the only one buying clothes and stuff. I must have looked like a cheapskate. I just want to wait until I get a job and earn money before I go hang out with people or fly over to meet them.

Yes I been told a million times I dont need money to hang out with friends but you really do need money for everything. That was a main reason I convinced myself and others thast why im not that social. Recently now that I have some money I still dont hang out at all and now realized how bad my social phobia is