Auburn
Active member
I've been in a relationship with this guy for pretty much two months. But recently we've been getting more intimate. And it freaks me and my anxiety out.
Hand holding and hugs to say goodbye or hello are all we ever did (I was even the one who initiated those things, which is huge). It's actually the most I've ever did with anyone ever in my life. I'm not close with my family, we never hug or heck even say anything nice to each other, and the feeling of touch is pretty alien to me. Just last week I scared my doctor when I jumped when she felt my stomach.
Whenever he's gotten close I just freeze? I completely shut down and don't know what to do with myself. I lose all emotion, I just look away from his direction or just constantly keep talking and talking (I guess it's either me trying to distract myself from the situation, or trying to seem normal and casual about it all).
He tried to kiss me too (would have been my first kiss) and I panicked and completely backed away from him. I can't imagine how that made him feel.
He understands and wants to help, but with every question he asks I can't help but reply with "I don't know" because I don't. I literally don't know the answer. I don't know what I'm feeling or what I'm comfortable with. I just shut down and want to cry. And then after, thoughts of wanting to hurt myself surface.
I've never really been in a relationship before, not one that got this far anyway. I want to get over this and I really really want to be able to understand the thoughts and emotions I'm having. Right now they look and feel incredibly blurry and fuzzy. It's stuff I've never experienced before.
I feel so alien right now and it's not fun.
Hand holding and hugs to say goodbye or hello are all we ever did (I was even the one who initiated those things, which is huge). It's actually the most I've ever did with anyone ever in my life. I'm not close with my family, we never hug or heck even say anything nice to each other, and the feeling of touch is pretty alien to me. Just last week I scared my doctor when I jumped when she felt my stomach.
Whenever he's gotten close I just freeze? I completely shut down and don't know what to do with myself. I lose all emotion, I just look away from his direction or just constantly keep talking and talking (I guess it's either me trying to distract myself from the situation, or trying to seem normal and casual about it all).
He tried to kiss me too (would have been my first kiss) and I panicked and completely backed away from him. I can't imagine how that made him feel.
He understands and wants to help, but with every question he asks I can't help but reply with "I don't know" because I don't. I literally don't know the answer. I don't know what I'm feeling or what I'm comfortable with. I just shut down and want to cry. And then after, thoughts of wanting to hurt myself surface.
I've never really been in a relationship before, not one that got this far anyway. I want to get over this and I really really want to be able to understand the thoughts and emotions I'm having. Right now they look and feel incredibly blurry and fuzzy. It's stuff I've never experienced before.
I feel so alien right now and it's not fun.