Mehh
Active member
I'm in this stupid funk of feeling so absolutely, incredibly horrible about myself and I just can't get out of it. I'm at a university and overwhelmed with school work but also trying to apply for research jobs and summer jobs and I just don't have time for it all and it seems like everybody around me just has their shit SO together and I don't. I always make things harder for myself by putting things off and I hate myself for it. But I can't even concentrate on anything because I'm too unhappy with myself and keep thinking about what a waste of space I am.
For one, I am incredibly socially awkward. This month I've filled out tons and tons of applications for things, and have already had interviews, but my interviews go -terribly- because I'm awkward and weird and not a likable person. I know that people say things like, "If you're qualified and good for the job, that will shine through even though you're awkward, etc" but that doesn't work here because literally every person applying for these jobs has my credentials or is even smarter than me, -and- is more likable and less awkward than I am. I just feel like such a loser because I keep getting turned down by everyone.
On top of that, what I think set me off is that my friend keeps telling me about all of the accomplishments in his life, and I just can't even deal with it, I'm too average. The kicker is that every time I try to tell this person something I've been up to (i.e., nothing but studying), their always like, "Oh that's exciting" but I can 100% tell that he's just trying to be nice. I feel so pathetic.
I'm so so lonely here but I'm too unattractive to find a significant other. I am very weird looking. But then, IF somebody remarkably is desperate enough to choose me, my awkwardness scares them away.
Not to mention, I don't even have the audacity to complain about this because I'm so lucky to even have enough money to be in college. It's just that everyone says that I "have so many opportunities here" but I can't actually pursue any of that because I'm too weird at interviews and never get hired/accepted for things. Meanwhile, I have friends who are taking every opportunity available to them and traveling and dating and doing well school and I am doing none of those things. Like, even though I spend most of my time studying, my grades are still pretty mediocre compared to those around me.
It's just that I'm 20 years old and life is short and I'm young and that means that I'm supposed to be living it up and everything, but I feel so stuck and lost and confused. Since I can't do anything with my degree without grad school, I'll be in school for such a long time and using my precious time on earth just learning and being stressed and comparing myself to others who are better at learning and better at handling stress than I am. Like, there is no point to being alive other than being happy but I'm -not- happy and I'm so angry at myself that I had one job - to be happy - and I'm failing at that too.
Okay, I just needed to type all that out. I don't care who reads this. I should probably get back to the piles of work I have.
For one, I am incredibly socially awkward. This month I've filled out tons and tons of applications for things, and have already had interviews, but my interviews go -terribly- because I'm awkward and weird and not a likable person. I know that people say things like, "If you're qualified and good for the job, that will shine through even though you're awkward, etc" but that doesn't work here because literally every person applying for these jobs has my credentials or is even smarter than me, -and- is more likable and less awkward than I am. I just feel like such a loser because I keep getting turned down by everyone.
On top of that, what I think set me off is that my friend keeps telling me about all of the accomplishments in his life, and I just can't even deal with it, I'm too average. The kicker is that every time I try to tell this person something I've been up to (i.e., nothing but studying), their always like, "Oh that's exciting" but I can 100% tell that he's just trying to be nice. I feel so pathetic.
I'm so so lonely here but I'm too unattractive to find a significant other. I am very weird looking. But then, IF somebody remarkably is desperate enough to choose me, my awkwardness scares them away.
Not to mention, I don't even have the audacity to complain about this because I'm so lucky to even have enough money to be in college. It's just that everyone says that I "have so many opportunities here" but I can't actually pursue any of that because I'm too weird at interviews and never get hired/accepted for things. Meanwhile, I have friends who are taking every opportunity available to them and traveling and dating and doing well school and I am doing none of those things. Like, even though I spend most of my time studying, my grades are still pretty mediocre compared to those around me.
It's just that I'm 20 years old and life is short and I'm young and that means that I'm supposed to be living it up and everything, but I feel so stuck and lost and confused. Since I can't do anything with my degree without grad school, I'll be in school for such a long time and using my precious time on earth just learning and being stressed and comparing myself to others who are better at learning and better at handling stress than I am. Like, there is no point to being alive other than being happy but I'm -not- happy and I'm so angry at myself that I had one job - to be happy - and I'm failing at that too.
Okay, I just needed to type all that out. I don't care who reads this. I should probably get back to the piles of work I have.
