powerfulthoughts
Well-known member
It seems like every little thing affects me and causes me anxiety. Like if I hear that somebody even mentions my name at work, or anywhere else, I feel as if somehow I should be embarrased or shameful, even if such feelings are uncalled for and unnecessary. Such feelings do not allow me to participate in life, or make friendships, because I am always running from these feelings. And having friends means I would be contanstly running from the shame and embarrasment of having people directly relate to me, which puts me in an impossible spot.
This problem exemplifies who I am and what my social anxiety is like. Constantly running, constantly feeling embarrassed that somehow everything I do or say is something to be ashamed of. How do I not care? How do I become someone who just feels content and good about myself, where feelings are neutral? I feel like I have tried so many mental and philosophical techniques, yet I am still stuck in the same area of shameful feelings. I may have gotten a little better since I first discovered my social phobia, but in about close to ten years I feel like I have only moved very little.
This is disheartening to me, because I have tried so very hard to overcome this problem. Many days my head has just been utterly filled obsessing on how to get better, how to beat these feelings. I've had great discoveries about myself, and feel like I have learned myself in much detail. Yet knowing my feelings seems to only cause me more distress, because now I am acutely aware of my horrible feelings, but can't do anything about them.
When I think about anti-depressants, I think of possible help. Because I know it will literally deaden my emotions, but do I want that? Is that any better than feeling too much emotion of shame? I don't think so, it just seems like extremes of opposite ends of the spectrum. How do I get to the middle, how do I get a balance between the two? I'm still looking and hoping. I've tried herbal remedies and supplements, various tranquilizers and other medications, but none of it has been a solution for me.
My best remedy to social phobia has been vicodin, and more recently a new herb i've learned about called Kratom. Kratom works well, but not nearly as good as vicodin. These are not solutions either, though. They are merely blankets that hide my inner shameful feelings for a small amount of time.
I guess I'll keep searching and trying to battle the feelings within. I may never completely be victorious, but I know in my heart there is still much progress to be made and wisdom to uncover. Somehow I will find a way to bond with my fellow humans, but I just fear that there isn't enough time in this life-time to figure it all out.
This is my last post on this forum, as I need to get away from everything and just be with myself. I hope everyone finds the peace inside they need to get through the pain of SP, as I know how hard it is, and I empathize very much with it.
This problem exemplifies who I am and what my social anxiety is like. Constantly running, constantly feeling embarrassed that somehow everything I do or say is something to be ashamed of. How do I not care? How do I become someone who just feels content and good about myself, where feelings are neutral? I feel like I have tried so many mental and philosophical techniques, yet I am still stuck in the same area of shameful feelings. I may have gotten a little better since I first discovered my social phobia, but in about close to ten years I feel like I have only moved very little.
This is disheartening to me, because I have tried so very hard to overcome this problem. Many days my head has just been utterly filled obsessing on how to get better, how to beat these feelings. I've had great discoveries about myself, and feel like I have learned myself in much detail. Yet knowing my feelings seems to only cause me more distress, because now I am acutely aware of my horrible feelings, but can't do anything about them.
When I think about anti-depressants, I think of possible help. Because I know it will literally deaden my emotions, but do I want that? Is that any better than feeling too much emotion of shame? I don't think so, it just seems like extremes of opposite ends of the spectrum. How do I get to the middle, how do I get a balance between the two? I'm still looking and hoping. I've tried herbal remedies and supplements, various tranquilizers and other medications, but none of it has been a solution for me.
My best remedy to social phobia has been vicodin, and more recently a new herb i've learned about called Kratom. Kratom works well, but not nearly as good as vicodin. These are not solutions either, though. They are merely blankets that hide my inner shameful feelings for a small amount of time.
I guess I'll keep searching and trying to battle the feelings within. I may never completely be victorious, but I know in my heart there is still much progress to be made and wisdom to uncover. Somehow I will find a way to bond with my fellow humans, but I just fear that there isn't enough time in this life-time to figure it all out.
This is my last post on this forum, as I need to get away from everything and just be with myself. I hope everyone finds the peace inside they need to get through the pain of SP, as I know how hard it is, and I empathize very much with it.
