catrin87
Member
Hi everyone. I'm new here but I'm hoping that maybe I can share a bit of my story and that maybe in doing so I will feel a little bit less lost and alone.
Basically, I have somehow allowed my SA to infiltrate and destroy every single part of my life now and I feel like it has gone so far that I am never going to recover, or feel even remotely 'normal' ever again.
I have always been quite a shy person, well actually just more of an introvert really. I would feel quite comfortable around people but I was just more of a 'background' type than someone who requires a lot of attention - which was perfectly fine. But somehow, particularly in the last 3/4 years, I have become so socially phobic and anxious and depressed that I, quite literally, do not know who I am anymore. I feel like I have about 7 different personalities depending on who I am with or what I am doing - which is a truly horrible way to live.
I am a university student, in my final year (I honestly do not know how I made it this far) doing a degree in Art. I have not attended a single one of my seminars since the first semester of my first year, so that was about 2 years ago. I never attend any of the workshops, and if I do go into the studio I choose the quietest times to go in, keep my head down, and then leave as quickly as possible. This has meant that the majority of people on my course don't know me or recognise me, and has led to some extremely awkward encounters when people who have been on the same course as me for nearly 3 years come over and ask me 'Oh are you new? when did you start?' etc, which in turn only makes me feel worse! I don't think the tutors even know who I am, or if they do they have given up trying to chase me to come to the seminars etc. Obviously this has meant that I have done really badly on my degree so far, and I highly doubt that I will graduate with anything more than a 3rd. I would have left the course ages ago but I can't face disappointing my parents and friends.
Which leads me to my next point - not even my closest friends, or my parents, have a clue that I have been suffering this excruciating social phobia. My parents know that I've had 'ups and downs' and they have been with me when I have had panic attacks in restaurants etc but they think it is just from the usual stresses, and in fact my mum almost won't accept that I could suffer from anxiety and depression. I think she sees it as a weakness and that maybe I just need to 'man up' a bit. If only it were that easy. And my friends know that I have always been the quiet one but they don't have any idea of the extent of what I am going through. So I have to lie and tell everyone that Uni is going fine, even though it really isn't. So the loneliness that I end up feeling is indescribable - I have lost sight of myself and in turn am pushing away those closest to me. I have been seeing a counsellor at Uni but I even struggle to tell her about my social phobia. I feel like its a pathetic thing to suffer from, and that I am weak and that I am just 'giving in' to the condition. But, and I'm sure many of you can empathise with this - it is nothing like that. It absolutely swamps me in misery.
What I really don't understand is that it seems inconsistent. I have days where I struggle to leave the house even just to go to the corner shop. In fact I have days where even getting out of bed can prove difficult. I have become mentally addicted to my beta blockers and I can't even think about going out without taking them for fear of having a panic attack. That is one of the worst aspects for me - I have always been against taking medication and drugs unless it is something very serious but now I have found myself relying on my propranalol so much so that I worry that one day the doctor will stop prescribing them to me and I will have to try and cope without them. Anyway as I was saying, I have terrible days where I can't get out of bed but then I seem to have almost OK days where I seem to have a little boost of confidence (albeit still needing to take my pills). And there are certain people I can talk to quite confidently but then others who I can't even look at, and there seems to be no rhyme or reason to this whatsoever.
I lost a boyfriend to this condition - he couldn't understand how it was for me and thought I was just being pathetic. And his parents started to think I was weird because I would be so nervous when they spoke to me and I would always avoid having to go out for dinner with them etc, which also played a part in us breaking up. Other men have come and gone because they meet me when I am drunk at a party or something and then when we go on a second date I don't have the alcohol confidence and am back to my usual awkward quiet self and that puts them right off. I have lost jobs, I am losing some good friends and I am probably about to fail Uni because of it too. I just don't know where I can turn next! I am having counselling, I had CBT a year ago which didn't help, I am taking beta blockers, but my condition is only getting worse. I drink far too much, I take drugs, I go on 3 day benders as a way of escaping - which obviously only eventually leads to further depression and desperation.
I guess what I wanted to do was to reach out to you other sufferers so I can feel a little bit less alone. If any of you have any advice or help you can offer me, I would be so grateful. Whether it is coping techniques/ forms of therapy/ natural remedies/ anything at all, please let me know. Or even better if anyone is recovering or has recovered from this debilitating condition, I would love to hear your stories. Thank you for listening xx
Basically, I have somehow allowed my SA to infiltrate and destroy every single part of my life now and I feel like it has gone so far that I am never going to recover, or feel even remotely 'normal' ever again.
I have always been quite a shy person, well actually just more of an introvert really. I would feel quite comfortable around people but I was just more of a 'background' type than someone who requires a lot of attention - which was perfectly fine. But somehow, particularly in the last 3/4 years, I have become so socially phobic and anxious and depressed that I, quite literally, do not know who I am anymore. I feel like I have about 7 different personalities depending on who I am with or what I am doing - which is a truly horrible way to live.
I am a university student, in my final year (I honestly do not know how I made it this far) doing a degree in Art. I have not attended a single one of my seminars since the first semester of my first year, so that was about 2 years ago. I never attend any of the workshops, and if I do go into the studio I choose the quietest times to go in, keep my head down, and then leave as quickly as possible. This has meant that the majority of people on my course don't know me or recognise me, and has led to some extremely awkward encounters when people who have been on the same course as me for nearly 3 years come over and ask me 'Oh are you new? when did you start?' etc, which in turn only makes me feel worse! I don't think the tutors even know who I am, or if they do they have given up trying to chase me to come to the seminars etc. Obviously this has meant that I have done really badly on my degree so far, and I highly doubt that I will graduate with anything more than a 3rd. I would have left the course ages ago but I can't face disappointing my parents and friends.
Which leads me to my next point - not even my closest friends, or my parents, have a clue that I have been suffering this excruciating social phobia. My parents know that I've had 'ups and downs' and they have been with me when I have had panic attacks in restaurants etc but they think it is just from the usual stresses, and in fact my mum almost won't accept that I could suffer from anxiety and depression. I think she sees it as a weakness and that maybe I just need to 'man up' a bit. If only it were that easy. And my friends know that I have always been the quiet one but they don't have any idea of the extent of what I am going through. So I have to lie and tell everyone that Uni is going fine, even though it really isn't. So the loneliness that I end up feeling is indescribable - I have lost sight of myself and in turn am pushing away those closest to me. I have been seeing a counsellor at Uni but I even struggle to tell her about my social phobia. I feel like its a pathetic thing to suffer from, and that I am weak and that I am just 'giving in' to the condition. But, and I'm sure many of you can empathise with this - it is nothing like that. It absolutely swamps me in misery.
What I really don't understand is that it seems inconsistent. I have days where I struggle to leave the house even just to go to the corner shop. In fact I have days where even getting out of bed can prove difficult. I have become mentally addicted to my beta blockers and I can't even think about going out without taking them for fear of having a panic attack. That is one of the worst aspects for me - I have always been against taking medication and drugs unless it is something very serious but now I have found myself relying on my propranalol so much so that I worry that one day the doctor will stop prescribing them to me and I will have to try and cope without them. Anyway as I was saying, I have terrible days where I can't get out of bed but then I seem to have almost OK days where I seem to have a little boost of confidence (albeit still needing to take my pills). And there are certain people I can talk to quite confidently but then others who I can't even look at, and there seems to be no rhyme or reason to this whatsoever.
I lost a boyfriend to this condition - he couldn't understand how it was for me and thought I was just being pathetic. And his parents started to think I was weird because I would be so nervous when they spoke to me and I would always avoid having to go out for dinner with them etc, which also played a part in us breaking up. Other men have come and gone because they meet me when I am drunk at a party or something and then when we go on a second date I don't have the alcohol confidence and am back to my usual awkward quiet self and that puts them right off. I have lost jobs, I am losing some good friends and I am probably about to fail Uni because of it too. I just don't know where I can turn next! I am having counselling, I had CBT a year ago which didn't help, I am taking beta blockers, but my condition is only getting worse. I drink far too much, I take drugs, I go on 3 day benders as a way of escaping - which obviously only eventually leads to further depression and desperation.
I guess what I wanted to do was to reach out to you other sufferers so I can feel a little bit less alone. If any of you have any advice or help you can offer me, I would be so grateful. Whether it is coping techniques/ forms of therapy/ natural remedies/ anything at all, please let me know. Or even better if anyone is recovering or has recovered from this debilitating condition, I would love to hear your stories. Thank you for listening xx