Maarten
Well-known member
Hi fellow shyguys/girls, I am new to the forum. I am Maarten from the Netherlands and I have shyness/social anxiety in addition to having asperger syndrome.
Instead of immediately bothering you with my questions I would like to make a contribution to the community. It's an excerpt from my favourite book on human relations: "How to have power and confidence in dealing with people" by Les Giblin. I have excluded the parts on influencing other since this is of no interest to us. Here it is, I hope it helps you.
How to have confidence and power in dealing with people:
1. We are all egotists.
2. We are all more interested in ourselves than in any thing else in the world.
3. Every person you meet wants to feel important, and to amount to something.
4. There is a hunger in every human being for approval.
5. A hungry ego is a mean ego.
6. Satisfy the other person's hunger for self-esteem and he automatically becomes more friendly and likeable.
7. Jesus said, "Love your neighbour as thyself." Psychologists now tell us that unless you do love yourself in the sense of having some feeling of self-esteem and self-regard, it is impossible for you to feel friendly toward other people.
8. Remember LS/MFT. Low self-esteem means trouble and friction.
9. Help the other fellow like himself better and you make him easier to get along with.
10. People act, or fail to act, largely to enhance their own egos.
1. Don’t be stingy in feeding the hunger for a feeling of importance.
2. Don't underestimate "small courtesies" such as being on time for an appointment. It is by such small things that we acknowledge the importance of the other person. Unfortunately, we are often more courteous to strangers than to home folks. Try treating your family and friends with the same courtesy you show strangers.
3. Remind yourself that other people are important, and your attitude will get across to the other person.
4. Starting today, begin to notice other people more. Pay attention to a man or a child, and make him feel important.
5. Don't lord it over other people, or attempt to increase your own feeling of self-importance by making other people feel small.
1. Whether you realise it or not, you control the action and attitudes of others by your own actions and attitudes.
2. Your own attitudes are reflected back to you from the other person almost as if you stood before a mirror.
3. Act or feel hostile and the other fellow reflects this hostility back to you. Shout at him, and he is almost compelled to shout back. Act calmly and unemotionally, and you turn away his anger before it gets started.
4. Act enthusiastic and you arouse the enthusiasm of the other person.
5. Act confidently and the other person has confidence in you.
6. Begin today deliberately to cultivate an enthusiastic attitude. Take a tip from Frank Bettger and act as if you were enthusiastic. Soon you'll feel enthusiastic.
7. Right now, begin deliberately to cultivate a confident manner. Don't mumble your words as if you were afraid to express them. Speak out. Watch your posture. A slumped figure signifies that you find the burdens of life too heavy to bear. A drooping head signifies that you are defeated by life. Hold your head up. Straighten your shoulders. Walk with a confident step, as if you had somewhere important to go.
1. In dealing with other people, you yourself sound the keynote for the entire theme, when you begin the interview.
2. If you start off on a note of formality, the meeting will be formal. Start off on a note of friendliness and the meeting will be friendly. Set the stage for a business-like discussion, and it will be business-like. Start on a note of apology and the other person will force you to play that theme all the way trough.
3. When you meet someone for the first time, the impression you make then is very likely to be the keynote that will determine how he regards you for the rest of your life.
4. Other people tend to accept you at your own evaluation. If you think you are a nobody, you are practically asking other people to snub you.
5. One of the best means ever discovered for impressing the other fellow favourably is not to strive to hard to make an impression, but to let him know that he is making a good impression on you.
6. People judge you not only by the opinions you hold of yourself, but also by the opinions you hold on other things: your job, your company, even your competition.
7. Negative opinions create a negative atmosphere. Don't be a knocker. And don't be a sorehead.
8. The way, itself, in which you ask things, sets the stage or sounds the keynote for the other person's answer. Don't ask "no" questions if you want "yes" answers. Don't ask questions or issue instructions that imply you expect trouble. Why ask for trouble?
1. The real secret of an attractive personality is to offer the other people the food they are hungry for. People are as hungry for certain things as flies are for honey.
2. Use the Triple-A formula for attracting people:
Acceptance: Accept people as they are. Allow them to be themselves. Don't insist on anyone being perfect before you can like him. Don't fashion a moral strait jacked and expect others to wear it in order to gain your acceptance. Above all don't bargain for acceptance. Don't say, in substance, "I'll accept you if you'll do this or that, or change your ways to suit me."
Approval: Look for something to approve in the other person. It may be something small or insignificant. But let the other person know you approve that, and the number of things you can sincerely approve of will begin to grow. When the other person gets a taste of your genuine approval, he will begin to change his behaviour so that he will be approved for other things.
Appreciation: To appreciate means to raise in value, as opposed to depreciate, which means to lower in value. Let other people know that you value them. Treat other people as if they were valuable to you. Don't keep them waiting. Thank them. Give them "special", individual treatment.
1. Human relations often become deadlocked because each party is afraid to make the first move.
2. Don't wait for a sign from the other fellow. Assume that he is going to be friendly, and act accordingly.
3. Assume the attitude that you wish the other person to take. Act as if you expected him to like you.
4. Take a chance that the other fellow will be friendly. It is always a gamble, but you'll win 99 times for every time you lose, if you'll just bet on his being friendly. Refuse to take the chance, and you'll lose every time.
5. Don't be an eager beaver. Don't be overly anxious. Don't knock yourself out trying to make the other fellow like you. Remember, there is such a thing as being too charming and trying to hard.
6. Just relax and take for granted that other people do like you.
7. Use the magic of your smile to warm up the other fellow.
8. Starting today, begin to develop a genuine smile by practicing before the mirror. You know what a real smile looks like when you see one. Your mirror will tell you whether your smile is real or phoney. Also, going through the motions of smiling will get you in the habit and actually make you feel more like smiling.
1. Both success and happiness depend in large measure on our ability to express ourselves. Therefore, start today to study ways to improve your talk. Keep at it day after day.
2. Practice starting conversations with strangers by using the warm-up technique of asking simple questions, or making obvious observations.
3. To be a good conversationalist, stop trying to be perfect, and don't be afraid to be trite. Nuggets and gems in conversation come only after you have dug a lot of low-grade ore.
4. Ask questions to bring out interesting talk from others.
5. Encourage the other person to talk about himself. Talk about the other persons interests.
6. Use the "me-too" technique to identify yourself with the speaker and his interests.
7. Talk about yourself only when you are invited to do so by the other person. If he wants to know about you, he'll ask.
8. Use "Happy Talk" Remember nobody likes a Gloomy Gus or a prophet of doom. Keep your troubles to yourself.
9. Eliminate kidding, teasing, and sarcasm from your conversation.
1. Look at the person who is talking.
Anybody worth listening to is worth looking at. It'll also help you concentrate on what he's saying.
2. Appear deeply interested in what he is saying.
If you agree, nod your head. If he tells a story, smile. Respond to this cue. Work with him.
3. Lean towards the person who is talking.
Ever notice you have a tendency to lean toward an interesting talker, and lean away from a dull one?
4. Ask questions.
This lets the person who is talking know that you are still listening.
5. Don't interrupt; instead, ask him to tell more.
Most people are highly complimented if you don't interrupt them until they're through. But they're doubly complimented if you draw them out. "Would you mind going into that last point a little more fully?"
- Or "I'd like to know a little more about what you were saying concerning such and such."
6. Stick to the speaker's subject.
Don't change subjects on a person until he is finished, no matter how anxious you are to get started on a new one.
7. Use the speaker's words to get your own point across.
When the other fellow has finished talking- repeat back to him some of the things he has said. This not only proves you've been listening, but is a good way to introduce your own ideas without opposition.
Preface some of your own remarks with, "As you pointed out-." or "It's just like you said-."
Instead of immediately bothering you with my questions I would like to make a contribution to the community. It's an excerpt from my favourite book on human relations: "How to have power and confidence in dealing with people" by Les Giblin. I have excluded the parts on influencing other since this is of no interest to us. Here it is, I hope it helps you.
How to have confidence and power in dealing with people:
1. We are all egotists.
2. We are all more interested in ourselves than in any thing else in the world.
3. Every person you meet wants to feel important, and to amount to something.
4. There is a hunger in every human being for approval.
5. A hungry ego is a mean ego.
6. Satisfy the other person's hunger for self-esteem and he automatically becomes more friendly and likeable.
7. Jesus said, "Love your neighbour as thyself." Psychologists now tell us that unless you do love yourself in the sense of having some feeling of self-esteem and self-regard, it is impossible for you to feel friendly toward other people.
8. Remember LS/MFT. Low self-esteem means trouble and friction.
9. Help the other fellow like himself better and you make him easier to get along with.
10. People act, or fail to act, largely to enhance their own egos.
1. Don’t be stingy in feeding the hunger for a feeling of importance.
2. Don't underestimate "small courtesies" such as being on time for an appointment. It is by such small things that we acknowledge the importance of the other person. Unfortunately, we are often more courteous to strangers than to home folks. Try treating your family and friends with the same courtesy you show strangers.
3. Remind yourself that other people are important, and your attitude will get across to the other person.
4. Starting today, begin to notice other people more. Pay attention to a man or a child, and make him feel important.
5. Don't lord it over other people, or attempt to increase your own feeling of self-importance by making other people feel small.
1. Whether you realise it or not, you control the action and attitudes of others by your own actions and attitudes.
2. Your own attitudes are reflected back to you from the other person almost as if you stood before a mirror.
3. Act or feel hostile and the other fellow reflects this hostility back to you. Shout at him, and he is almost compelled to shout back. Act calmly and unemotionally, and you turn away his anger before it gets started.
4. Act enthusiastic and you arouse the enthusiasm of the other person.
5. Act confidently and the other person has confidence in you.
6. Begin today deliberately to cultivate an enthusiastic attitude. Take a tip from Frank Bettger and act as if you were enthusiastic. Soon you'll feel enthusiastic.
7. Right now, begin deliberately to cultivate a confident manner. Don't mumble your words as if you were afraid to express them. Speak out. Watch your posture. A slumped figure signifies that you find the burdens of life too heavy to bear. A drooping head signifies that you are defeated by life. Hold your head up. Straighten your shoulders. Walk with a confident step, as if you had somewhere important to go.
1. In dealing with other people, you yourself sound the keynote for the entire theme, when you begin the interview.
2. If you start off on a note of formality, the meeting will be formal. Start off on a note of friendliness and the meeting will be friendly. Set the stage for a business-like discussion, and it will be business-like. Start on a note of apology and the other person will force you to play that theme all the way trough.
3. When you meet someone for the first time, the impression you make then is very likely to be the keynote that will determine how he regards you for the rest of your life.
4. Other people tend to accept you at your own evaluation. If you think you are a nobody, you are practically asking other people to snub you.
5. One of the best means ever discovered for impressing the other fellow favourably is not to strive to hard to make an impression, but to let him know that he is making a good impression on you.
6. People judge you not only by the opinions you hold of yourself, but also by the opinions you hold on other things: your job, your company, even your competition.
7. Negative opinions create a negative atmosphere. Don't be a knocker. And don't be a sorehead.
8. The way, itself, in which you ask things, sets the stage or sounds the keynote for the other person's answer. Don't ask "no" questions if you want "yes" answers. Don't ask questions or issue instructions that imply you expect trouble. Why ask for trouble?
1. The real secret of an attractive personality is to offer the other people the food they are hungry for. People are as hungry for certain things as flies are for honey.
2. Use the Triple-A formula for attracting people:
Acceptance: Accept people as they are. Allow them to be themselves. Don't insist on anyone being perfect before you can like him. Don't fashion a moral strait jacked and expect others to wear it in order to gain your acceptance. Above all don't bargain for acceptance. Don't say, in substance, "I'll accept you if you'll do this or that, or change your ways to suit me."
Approval: Look for something to approve in the other person. It may be something small or insignificant. But let the other person know you approve that, and the number of things you can sincerely approve of will begin to grow. When the other person gets a taste of your genuine approval, he will begin to change his behaviour so that he will be approved for other things.
Appreciation: To appreciate means to raise in value, as opposed to depreciate, which means to lower in value. Let other people know that you value them. Treat other people as if they were valuable to you. Don't keep them waiting. Thank them. Give them "special", individual treatment.
1. Human relations often become deadlocked because each party is afraid to make the first move.
2. Don't wait for a sign from the other fellow. Assume that he is going to be friendly, and act accordingly.
3. Assume the attitude that you wish the other person to take. Act as if you expected him to like you.
4. Take a chance that the other fellow will be friendly. It is always a gamble, but you'll win 99 times for every time you lose, if you'll just bet on his being friendly. Refuse to take the chance, and you'll lose every time.
5. Don't be an eager beaver. Don't be overly anxious. Don't knock yourself out trying to make the other fellow like you. Remember, there is such a thing as being too charming and trying to hard.
6. Just relax and take for granted that other people do like you.
7. Use the magic of your smile to warm up the other fellow.
8. Starting today, begin to develop a genuine smile by practicing before the mirror. You know what a real smile looks like when you see one. Your mirror will tell you whether your smile is real or phoney. Also, going through the motions of smiling will get you in the habit and actually make you feel more like smiling.
1. Both success and happiness depend in large measure on our ability to express ourselves. Therefore, start today to study ways to improve your talk. Keep at it day after day.
2. Practice starting conversations with strangers by using the warm-up technique of asking simple questions, or making obvious observations.
3. To be a good conversationalist, stop trying to be perfect, and don't be afraid to be trite. Nuggets and gems in conversation come only after you have dug a lot of low-grade ore.
4. Ask questions to bring out interesting talk from others.
5. Encourage the other person to talk about himself. Talk about the other persons interests.
6. Use the "me-too" technique to identify yourself with the speaker and his interests.
7. Talk about yourself only when you are invited to do so by the other person. If he wants to know about you, he'll ask.
8. Use "Happy Talk" Remember nobody likes a Gloomy Gus or a prophet of doom. Keep your troubles to yourself.
9. Eliminate kidding, teasing, and sarcasm from your conversation.
1. Look at the person who is talking.
Anybody worth listening to is worth looking at. It'll also help you concentrate on what he's saying.
2. Appear deeply interested in what he is saying.
If you agree, nod your head. If he tells a story, smile. Respond to this cue. Work with him.
3. Lean towards the person who is talking.
Ever notice you have a tendency to lean toward an interesting talker, and lean away from a dull one?
4. Ask questions.
This lets the person who is talking know that you are still listening.
5. Don't interrupt; instead, ask him to tell more.
Most people are highly complimented if you don't interrupt them until they're through. But they're doubly complimented if you draw them out. "Would you mind going into that last point a little more fully?"
- Or "I'd like to know a little more about what you were saying concerning such and such."
6. Stick to the speaker's subject.
Don't change subjects on a person until he is finished, no matter how anxious you are to get started on a new one.
7. Use the speaker's words to get your own point across.
When the other fellow has finished talking- repeat back to him some of the things he has said. This not only proves you've been listening, but is a good way to introduce your own ideas without opposition.
Preface some of your own remarks with, "As you pointed out-." or "It's just like you said-."
