Edith
Well-known member
It doesn't end... even "after" the anxiety you may still be fucked... unless your beautiful - if you're beautiful and have a hot body you'll still be OK.
I'll preface this post by saying that I have been drinking on the beach in the hot sun from 12 to around 2am... so maybe this won't matter when I wake up after posting this (or maybe I won't remember so well).... But I just spent the day hanging out with a bunch of guys in the beach drinking beer and chatting. It was very chill, I met and know these guys from work and we decided to go for a trip this Saturday...
The reason that I post this is that we we're talking about girls and stuff and I felt totally inadequate... they we're going on and on about beautiful girls that they saw and about girls that they wouldn't give the time of day in the past because they we're too ugly (or not so much ugly as just not pretty enough) and it made me feel so ugly and undesirable. Not that I in any way want these guys to desire me in any form (I sincerely don't!) but they are in a way a typical/random slice of the male population and I got a glimpse into it and feel gross now.
These are nice guys, they are smart and good people, but they want a hot girl... and I'm not that. I never thought I was... but I never thought I was that ugly either... I though maybe average, but these guys are average - very average - and they have no interest in girls like me, aka average girls.
I know that this sounds very self centred and self concious and that my personal beliefs about my body image and my perecption of myself factor into what I think more that what actually happens in real life... but I still feel shockingly ugly. Almost saddened by how undesirable I might be to the opposite sex... and their conversation wasn't even masoginistic or vulgar or anything (honestly it wasn't jerk talk... which makes this more wierd... if it were jerk talk I could just call them assholes and call it a day!)... it just put things into a different perspective and now ... I don't know...
...Now that I conquered a lot of things about social anxiety which have plagued me in the past, like talking to people and socializing, aka; having beer on the beach with friends for a weekend trip... I am still kinda fucked
I have social confidence now, but with that social confidence I've aquired the very reveloutionary knowldge that even though I may have the social graces necessry to attract someone... I still probably won't because attraction is initially physical, and I am lacking in that department more that I ever really realised.
It's almost shocking how weird this revelation feels... it makes all my success seem so hollow.
I don't know if this is even related enough to SAD enough to post here... but maybe in an SAD related or non SAD related way you can relate to this...
I don't even know... I feel so deflated. I don't want to settle... and I don't want someone to have to settle for me... I don't want some guy to only talk to me because they think that I'm about as pretty as they can get, or because they think, "She's not so hot... she may be desperate." Not that I want to be apperciated only for my looks... not at all, that's not the point of this I'm aware that "true beauty lies within" and all that, and I don't want a superfical guy... but is this really that superficial? Does it automatically make you suoerficial to want a beautiful woman? I actually don't think so... which makes this all the stranger...
And that makes me sad.
I'll preface this post by saying that I have been drinking on the beach in the hot sun from 12 to around 2am... so maybe this won't matter when I wake up after posting this (or maybe I won't remember so well).... But I just spent the day hanging out with a bunch of guys in the beach drinking beer and chatting. It was very chill, I met and know these guys from work and we decided to go for a trip this Saturday...
The reason that I post this is that we we're talking about girls and stuff and I felt totally inadequate... they we're going on and on about beautiful girls that they saw and about girls that they wouldn't give the time of day in the past because they we're too ugly (or not so much ugly as just not pretty enough) and it made me feel so ugly and undesirable. Not that I in any way want these guys to desire me in any form (I sincerely don't!) but they are in a way a typical/random slice of the male population and I got a glimpse into it and feel gross now.
These are nice guys, they are smart and good people, but they want a hot girl... and I'm not that. I never thought I was... but I never thought I was that ugly either... I though maybe average, but these guys are average - very average - and they have no interest in girls like me, aka average girls.
I know that this sounds very self centred and self concious and that my personal beliefs about my body image and my perecption of myself factor into what I think more that what actually happens in real life... but I still feel shockingly ugly. Almost saddened by how undesirable I might be to the opposite sex... and their conversation wasn't even masoginistic or vulgar or anything (honestly it wasn't jerk talk... which makes this more wierd... if it were jerk talk I could just call them assholes and call it a day!)... it just put things into a different perspective and now ... I don't know...
...Now that I conquered a lot of things about social anxiety which have plagued me in the past, like talking to people and socializing, aka; having beer on the beach with friends for a weekend trip... I am still kinda fucked
I have social confidence now, but with that social confidence I've aquired the very reveloutionary knowldge that even though I may have the social graces necessry to attract someone... I still probably won't because attraction is initially physical, and I am lacking in that department more that I ever really realised.
It's almost shocking how weird this revelation feels... it makes all my success seem so hollow.
I don't know if this is even related enough to SAD enough to post here... but maybe in an SAD related or non SAD related way you can relate to this...
I don't even know... I feel so deflated. I don't want to settle... and I don't want someone to have to settle for me... I don't want some guy to only talk to me because they think that I'm about as pretty as they can get, or because they think, "She's not so hot... she may be desperate." Not that I want to be apperciated only for my looks... not at all, that's not the point of this I'm aware that "true beauty lies within" and all that, and I don't want a superfical guy... but is this really that superficial? Does it automatically make you suoerficial to want a beautiful woman? I actually don't think so... which makes this all the stranger...
And that makes me sad.