Hi everyone,
I also remember being antisocial at the tender age of 4 or 5 and I even believed 'something was wrong with me'. My grandmother definetly suffered anxiety. She was very controlling, (actually wasn't a nice person towards so much), became very agitated at any change and needed to control the environment around her. I observe similar traits in relatives on her side of the family.
I look very similar to my grandmother and remembered disliking myself when I was a child for how anal-retentive I was and a perfectionist. I was very very sensitive to any stimulation outside. I was highly self-concious also.
I believe that if you love the child and take care of the child that you can learn to see the difference between what you can and cannot change. ...sure I was/am poorly at adapting to different situations, highly strung and very sensitive; but I am also (perhaps unusually) talented at art and I have a good capacity to empathise with people (even though I may not have fully reached that capacity yet).
....What I am saying to you all is to 'love the child' within you. I think that one of the biggest causes of unhappiness and struggle is when we are not aware of what we can and cannot change and incorrectly call something that is 'good' and 'perfect', 'bad' and 'imperfect'. ...What actually decides what is 'right' etc? ...what laws determine who fits in and who is the outcast? ...I think that such laws are all invented by people and that therefore they can -and in fact, are- continuosly reinvented.
Back in the 50s they believed that homosexuality was wrong. That the answer to the great 'nature vs nurture' debate (still waging on for some people in this case) was all nurture; and that homosexuality, a 'sin' and a freak of nature, could and should be 'cured'. ...Decades later we look back in horror, and with the foresight that we more recently have gained we see that the only 'sin' against nature was/is to believe that homosexuals can and should change their fundamental nature. The point is that it is the way people judge what is 'flawed' and 'sinful' and 'wrong' that causes most, if not all, the misery.
But notice that with greater awareness and understanding we can better distinguish between what can and cannot be changed; and awareness of this goes with awareness of what we should actually be trying to change.
An example of what I mean is here:- for a long time I have been battling with my social anxiety; and even with an understanding of the principles behind cognitive behavioural therapy, I have still not managed to break through. Yet I hope that with believin that the 'child part', the very core of me is good and right, that somehow, through more work and the guidance of therapists, I can find this part and then change the rest that I need to change. Instead, I believe that I haven't and that I've been trying to change my self too much and when a person does that their battle is magnified and they suffer both the injury of not getting anywhere as well as the insult in believing themself fundamental 'wrong', or born flawed.
I notice that recently I found someone who made me believe again in my self; who helped encourage me and supported the 'child part', the very core basis of who I am. ...and it is amazing how even with this little bit of encouragement, I can believe in changing my self. But if I think that I am fundamentally wrong than I feel totally hopeless and this is a fault in thinking. ...it is wrong thinking that others have but that I get pulled along inot thinking.
Years from now when we learn more about the way our minds work, people will be able to explain social phobia and eventually also a myriad of other illnesses and ailments that people suffer from. When people have mastered a problem they can see what is 'right' from 'wrong' , what cannot and should not be changed from what can and needs to be changed. In other words, they acquire a perspective that sees the core part of people that is correct, right etc and this makes the mountains into molehills. Whilst we still have not seen this, and cannot see the part that cannot be changed, the child like part, we try to change too much. this leads to a never-ending circle of struggle -the 'vicious circle'. But with the belief in this simply existing -a solution- it gets you even a smidgeon closer to having found it. ...because it is there, and this isn't the first time that I have experienced trying to change something and struggling a great deal, to eventually have found my answer in finding this small part of my self (the 'child part'). Once a person finds that they find everything.
And all their old ideas of what was 'bad' and what was 'good' are completely turned upside down. ...this change in perspective is the central aim of cognitive behavioural therapy. And as hard as it is to get the miracle that you look for, doesn't mean that it isn't there. It can only exist there waiting for you to find it. ...I don't wish to undermine all your sufferring, nor do I wish to be condescending towards your intelligence. This has much more to do with emotions than it has to do with intellectual brilliance or the like. ...But this part of you exists and perhaps you simply need someone to encourage it ...I did, and eventhough I haven't found it yet, I know that it is there, and having someone encourage me in this makes all the difference and more.
Anyhow, I really do not wish to seem like I have rose-colored glasses on or to patronise you. But I have been through a very dark place before where I faced and dealth with some horrible fears and insecurities. I won't even go into them because a person needs some kind of privacy (have you ever broken out in a cold sweat, lying curled up on the floor because there was something you were completely terrified of?). So I'll just say that I have been through them and there is a light at the end of it all.
And I have been reading the Gospel, and writings of people like Carl Jung since. And one of the things that Jesus says is: "What is the Kingdom of Heaven like? What shall I compare it with?...A man is looking for pearls. When he finds one that is unusually fine he takes that pearl and leaves all the rest." and: 'The Kingdom of Heaven is like a mustard seed. It is the smallest of seeds but when it grows up it becomes the biggest of plants and the birds come and make their nests in it.' He also states that 'whoever welcomes this child welcomes me'.
Sorry to get preachy. But I really honestly believe that the very heart of everyone is perfect and that the only thing truly wrong is to believe and to tell others to believe that it isn't.
