Have Your SA Affected Any of Your Relationships?

[SilentRain]

Right now I'm having the same dilemma again. My lack of being social is screwing up my chances of having a relationship. The first guy that left me because of it wasn't very understanding or helpful and pretty much said if I wasn't the life of the party that night I was getting the boot. He was obviously no good but I am currently in a 2 year relationship with a great guy. We are matches for each other except I'm not as social as him and it's starting to put a strain on us. It's to the point I can understand where he's comming from. I can't even go to a family cook out or hang with his friends so I'm kind of like the secret girlfriend that's hidden in the closet. He's more patient and willing to do anything to help me open up a little more. He doesn't expect me to be the life of the party, he just wants for me to be able to hold at least one full conversation wilth a couple of people and smile. But it's just so hard! I don't want to ruin this chance because of it.

 

[DeathMetal]

Yeah it's affected me in that I have never had a girlfriend in my life. I'm 32 now and I don't see things changing any time soon.

 

[Danfalc]

Yeah,I think SA effects any relationship especially if the SA is quite severe.I've dated mainly people who didn't understand,but I've also been lucky enough to date someone with similar problems but that comes with it's own set of challenges.

Two years is a long time,so he is obviously understanding and supportive which is great of him But at the same time I think it is important for you not to beat yourself up about having SA.You did not choose to be like this,you do not do it out of rudeness or because you don't want to.It's an Illness.

I know that's easy for me to sit here and say but I have experienced the strains mental health issues can place on a relationship,and He is probably going to get frustrated a little sometimes,it's human..but I think as long as your willing to try,he can't really ask for more.

 

[xxaimsxx]

Yep.. I would never step out of my comfort zone and go places like normal couples do. I didnt really get on with his friends they were so nasty so i would always say i was busy when he said we should get together. And there was some moments where we were alone and i was just thinking about my problems and i was distant and quiet. He would look at me sometimes asif he were thinking 'whats the matter?'
So yeah. I was a rubbish girlfriend! My sa deffo didnt do me any favours.

 

[Lost Girl]

Hey SilentRain,

Yeah I've been with my guy on and off for 8 years (holy shet that's a long time ), and even though he is very understanding some of the time, there are times where he gets annoyed at my SA. There's even times where he tries to convince me that what I go through is what every human goes through - especially girls? But he tries to help me out and tries to understand at least. It can be difficult for the both of us...he is a very social person (or at least used to be, since being with me he has pulled in his shell a little) and obviously me not being willing to go out with friends and family all the time puts a strain on our relationship and his social life. For me, I question so often if we should stay together. I'm tired of feeling guilty all the time. We had a talk yesterday...his parents have come up and staying at a relative's house just up the road - lovely people, but they insist on us seeing them every 5minutes and I can't handle it. Anyway, they want us to go over for breakfast and I have zero intention of going, so I'm letting hubby sleep in and plan on being all like "oh damn *dramatic snap of the fingers* We were meant to go over for breakfast this morning! Oh well, there's always next time..." Hopefully my plan works...am I evil?::::

Anyway my point is, I think relationships are always going to be a little hard. After 8 years my fellow and I both still have our issues and doubts, and I think there always will be, but every relationship has issues that need to be worked through, really. Patience, effort, and compromise is key I think.

 

[SilentRain]

Yeah,I think SA effects any relationship especially if the SA is quite severe.I've dated mainly people who didn't understand,but I've also been lucky enough to date someone with similar problems but that comes with it's own set of challenges.

Two years is a long time,so he is obviously understanding and supportive which is great of him But at the same time I think it is important for you not to beat yourself up about having SA.You did not choose to be like this,you do not do it out of rudeness or because you don't want to.It's an Illness.

I know that's easy for me to sit here and say but I have experienced the strains mental health issues can place on a relationship,and He is probably going to get frustrated a little sometimes,it's human..but I think as long as your willing to try,he can't really ask for more.

Thanks so much for your input. It has allowed to relax a little. I'll do what can and stop attacking myself. I guess I sometimes do act like my SA is something I brought on to myself when I didn't and doing that doesn't help at all. It just stresses me till I panic again.

 

[SilentRain]

Hey SilentRain,

Yeah I've been with my guy on and off for 8 years (holy shet that's a long time ), and even though he is very understanding some of the time, there are times where he gets annoyed at my SA. There's even times where he tries to convince me that what I go through is what every human goes through - especially girls? But he tries to help me out and tries to understand at least. It can be difficult for the both of us...he is a very social person (or at least used to be, since being with me he has pulled in his shell a little) and obviously me not being willing to go out with friends and family all the time puts a strain on our relationship and his social life. For me, I question so often if we should stay together. I'm tired of feeling guilty all the time. We had a talk yesterday...his parents have come up and staying at a relative's house just up the road - lovely people, but they insist on us seeing them every 5minutes and I can't handle it. Anyway, they want us to go over for breakfast and I have zero intention of going, so I'm letting hubby sleep in and plan on being all like "oh damn *dramatic snap of the fingers* We were meant to go over for breakfast this morning! Oh well, there's always next time..." Hopefully my plan works...am I evil?::::

Anyway my point is, I think relationships are always going to be a little hard. After 8 years my fellow and I both still have our issues and doubts, and I think there always will be, but every relationship has issues that need to be worked through, really. Patience, effort, and compromise is key I think.

Thanks Lost Girl. I'm starting to feel more at ease reading everyone else's stories and advice. Because I don't have anyone to talk to about this topic, (I don't know of anyone else with this problem here) I can't talk about it to learn anything so I just get stuck drowning in my frustration. It feels good to be somewhere with people that can relate and help out. I'm glad I found this site.

 

[Why]

id say 95% of my inability to have a relationship is due to SA/shyness/whatever that sorta ****

 

[Lost Girl]

Thanks Lost Girl. I'm starting to feel more at ease reading everyone else's stories and advice. Because I don't have anyone to talk to about this topic, (I don't know of anyone else with this problem here) I can't talk about it to learn anything so I just get stuck drowning in my frustration. It feels good to be somewhere with people that can relate and help out. I'm glad I found this site.

You're welcome .

Something else I left out that I still struggle with is...to just try to be true to yourself and what you want. It's hard when trying to make a life with someone, but if you start pushing yourself way too much just so you can 'fit in' with someone else's lifestyle than it will only lead to the frustration and stress that I'm currently dealing with. I think you do have to compromise, but not all the time. As I said I myself still feel guilty all the time because I won't do this or that, or stress about seeing people...to constantly feel as though you are letting down the people around you really gets to you after a while, and at the end of the day I'm left wondering - why do I feel so guilty? Then I start resenting my partner, and get this feeling of just being overwhelmed by everyone's expectations of me (that probably don't even really exist in the first place), that they just want me to be this person that I am not, that a person like me just does not fit in their world, and I just want to run away from everything and everyone. So I'd be lying if I said it isn't a total struggle sometimes...
I think that in a relationship that involves someone with SA and someone who does not, there will be a lot of frustration from both sides throughout. I've found that it's an issue that comes up time and time again - other people will always be apart of life, expectations and obligations that we find extremely difficult are always going to come up, and a partner may be patient the first twenty times but I can imagine that it would be very hard to deal with long term.

I'm sorry if I'm coming across as incredibly negative, this is just sort of what I'm going through right now. But at the end of the day, you know what they say..."All you need is love..."


ps. hubby did wake up and went over to his folks place after all. I've stayed at home because I'm 'not feeling too well' once again . Now for some wine...

 

[Tiercel]

If by "affected" you mean prevented me from having any, then yes.

 

[iason]

Definitely yes, it did affect, even if it wasn't (and isn't, so far) proper sa but yes my asociality was a huge strain to us, and often a matter of argument and stress. She totally did not understand, and maybe this is natural, even because i changed on this aspect while i was with her.
Meeting her friends, or her parents, was always a greek drama... all that is a 70% of why we broke up

 

[Pink_Paula]

Having SA definitely affected the last relationship i had, he was much more outgoing than me and expected me to go out every night like he does. I told him from the very beginning about my SA and he seemed to understand, but as the relationship progressed he got frustrated and angry at me for not going out. I did try to be more social, i would go out a few times a week with him but that wasn't enough he wanted me by his side every night and i just couldn't do it! so yeah SA definitely affected my relationship