has my "boyfriend" got OCD/OCPD?

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gingergirl

Member
Hello i'm new on here so bear with me .I recently split up with my boyfriend.He has very important-to him-ways that i didnt live up to and in the end because of this-he basically dumped me.
These things include-if he shakes someones hand outside he wont touch his face till he can wash his hands,he doesnt allow slippers on the bed,he will not use public toilets,lots of others i cant even think about at the moment but the fact that he said to me-he has to feel able to be free around someone and if hes intimate with that person and they do things he doesnt agree with(i put my slipper on the bed,and tissues)-he cannot be close to them and has to keep them at arms length.
I feel like if i'd slept with someone else itd be easier to understand but the fact that he doesnt want to be with me because i dont aspire to his expectations really hurts.
i just would like to know-does that seem like OCD/OCPD to anyone?
 
emmasma

emmasma

Well-known member
Yes it does to me. It really does not sound like your the one with the problem in this case.
Still hurts though. Sorry.::(:
 
IDK94657

IDK94657

Well-known member
It sounds like OCD, but no matter what you shouldn't just forget about him and his needs. It may sound ridiculous but if you love him you'll try your best to work with him and possibly meet his needs. But at the same time your important, because if you can't meet those needs then he shouldn't expect it out of you.

Maybe sit him down and have a talk with him, but don't bash him over it. The last thing a person with OCD wants to hear is, "Get help!" even if they know it's true. Just tell him you understand and you want to try and compromise over things or comply, and that you love him.
 
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gingergirl

Member
WE hadnt been together-well a few months its not love but i certainly feel a great deal for him-the day that this all kicked off he couldnt come near me, be close to me it felt like emotional torture because he wouldnt kiss me-he couldnt because to him i wasnt living up to his expectations.WE dont live near each other but he wants to-"keep in touch", see if he changes his mind about me.THing is he has never mentioned OCD it was me that mentioned it-to him its not a problem cos he can live up to his own standards-he has just chosen to keep me at a distance and not have me as a girlfriend.
 
IDK94657

IDK94657

Well-known member
Try living up to his expectations or maybe move on. If you want to be with him bad enough though, contact him and tell him your willing to change. (if you are, of course!) Just don't bug him to death about it.
 
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gingergirl

Member
My family just see him as a control freak or a liar who is making up lies as he has just got bored with me-he told me his attraction for me has gone because i cant reach these expectations
 
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gingergirl

Member
i cant help my feelings
but if i go and see him he has told me he will protect himself and therell be no physical contact
 
emmasma

emmasma

Well-known member
Men who try to control you are dangerous. They are physically dangerous. Just because they have a mental issue of some kind does not make it OK. If you think about it most men who control or abuse women must have issues. This does not mean the victims should change themselves to fit what he wants.

I realize this is not that type of a serious situation, but I think the comparison is accurate. Changing your behavior would only encourage him to bully you into "changing" more things later. Do not let yourself be with someone who will act this way toward you.

Being with him and trying to change yourself to meet his unreasonable expectations is not going to help him. It will reinforce the behavior. If you want to be with him then convince him to get help, or at least make it clear that you are not the one with the problem here. If not then stay away from him. It seems heartless, but sometimes women try not to be mean make things worse by trying to let guys off easy or keep in touch as friends.
 
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gingergirl

Member
he has said he doesnt want to impose his expectations on me but basically cos i couldnt live up to them-he dumped me but has said he-may-change his mind,so hes not trying to but if i want to be with him i'd have to follow those expectations
 
Harleyq

Harleyq

Well-known member
Eh...I have to disagree with changing your lifestyle to match his. I think relationships are give and take - yes, you should be respectful of his OCD and make compromises so that he can be comfortable.

However, I don't agree with coddling him. I don't think you should try to meet all of his expectations and I don't think you should refrain from telling him to get help just because he may not want to hear it. Tough cookies, we all do things we don't wanna do and hear things we don't wanna hear. I know this is probably harsh to some people here, coming from someone with S.A. but I think if you know you have a mental disorder and you want to be in a relationship you need to (wo)man up and take some control of it.

My own relationship almost crumbled because of my anxiety disorder and damned right I felt defensive and hurt and agitated when my bf and his own family told me I needed to get help. However, they were right, and I did it because it wasn't fair for my bf to continue sacrificing for me and not receiving the same in return.

I think it's probably better for you to move on with your life because at the rate you were going, I don't think either of you would've been happy. Besides your needing to compromise with his needs, he needs to be willing to take some responsibility, stop blaming you for all the relationship problems, and get some help, which he seems reluctant to do.

Of course, if you think you can make it work, and you would like to try again, then more power to you. I think that makes you an extremely understanding and amazing gf if you're willing to work on a relationship with him despite all the turbulence (given that he wants to try again as well, of course).
 
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gingergirl

Member
he has no intention of getting help because he sees -if he does have ocd as his way-how he is,his expectations-having a disorder was only bought up because i mentioned it today.His dads just the same-always been like it-or so he tells me.
 
emmasma

emmasma

Well-known member
You really need to not go back to him. The best thing you could do to help him is to let him know by your words and your actions that his behavior is not correct. Do not wait around for him to change his mind and do not reinforce his behavior by changing yourself. It really is a slippery slope.
 
Harleyq

Harleyq

Well-known member
gingergirl said:
he has no intention of getting help because he sees -if he does have ocd as his way-how he is,his expectations-having a disorder was only bought up because i mentioned it today.His dads just the same-always been like it-or so he tells me.
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OCD has a trend of running in families. Just because a certain behavior has gone on for a certain amount of time doesn't make it acceptable or normal. He just seems very selfish to me, like he's not thinking of you at all, he's thinking of himself and he's making excuses to justify his behavior instead of trying to understand where you're coming from. It sounds to me like he's victimizing himself and making you out to be the big bad, messy girl who doesn't measure up.

I just can't help but see him as a lost cause. You know him better than I or any of the rest of us do, so it's your call. You know what works for you and what doesn't.
 
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gingergirl

Member
Well as i said he hasnt been diagnosed as having OCD and it was only me that mentioned it to him today as a possible cause for some of the things he does.THe fact that he also said he sees doing these things as being just as natural and important to him as breathing-youd never stop breathing would you-thats how he feels about these issues.
to be honest you sound to me like youd be his perfect girlfrind-Serafina!!!!lol
 
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gingergirl

Member
as it goes the slippers on the bed thing my slippers touched the bed for about 2 seconds and if i did sit on the bed with them on-hed remind me to take them off-that wasnt enough for him-it has to be inbuilt in me
 
Hellhound

Hellhound

Super Moderator
IDK94657 said:
Try living up to his expectations or maybe move on. If you want to be with him bad enough though, contact him and tell him your willing to change. (if you are, of course!) Just don't bug him to death about it.
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But no one has to change and live up to anyone's expectations in order to not get dumped. If he loved her enough, he should not bug her with those things. She's a person, not a slave of his.
 
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gingergirl

Member
Hellhound said:
But no one has to change and live up to anyone's expectations in order to not get dumped. If he loved her enough, he should not bug her with those things. She's a person, not a slave of his.
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i agree-thatwas my understanding of it-without the LOVE word-if he had feelings enough for me surely it shouldnt be an issue-i said this but he said its as important as breathing basically
 
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Krista

Well-known member
I'd say it's probably for the best that maybe it didn't work out but I don't know really. Obviously you care about him and you can continue to but if it's not going well don't put yourself through a bad situation that continues to hurt your feelings. It sounds like he has his own problems but that does give anyone the right to make you feel bad in the process.

As for public restrooms..they are icky to me lol. I refuse to use them. I don't know if that's an OCD but I try to think of it as a sanitary thing.
 
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