For those with AvPD.

[EscapeArtist]

Do you know when you developed your AvPD, and why.
Were you abandoned, or did you abandon someone or lose someone close to you in some way?


I'm kind of giddy. I just figured it out man! I moved when I was 10 y/o. I left behind a best friend with whom I had a closer relationship to than anybody. We would play wrestle, hug, and all of this personal space stuff didn't matter with her. She was the only one it was like that with.. or at least, the last one. Her mother also thought of me as her second child, and she replaced my mother (who did not know how to be a mother) very quickly for me. I basically lived over at that house of theirs. I went along on their family vacations, I was a part of that family.. And then I was ripped away.

I had this huge revelation today. My brain had tricked myself into thinking I had a horrible childhood. I honestly could not remember these good times of my childhood, because I didn't want to, they were too painfully good. As soon as I moved up to BC, the child in me was gone, because I no longer wanted to trust anybody but myself, and because I could not handle the pain. The child was left behind in Oregon. I grieved briefly and then learned instead to use escapism to stuff the pain away for 7 years. I never let myself get close to anybody because I never wanted to lose something like that again. I am still afraid, of course, of that all.

Yeah, I figured that out by finding an old childhood disney movie, and then randomly started to bawl my freaking eyes out for 3 straight hours.


And with that revelation, I am so curious to hear why YOU have AvPD.

 

[Kinetik]

Congrats on uncovering some of your past. I think that must be a big relief, but probably oddly overwhelming at the same time.

I can't pinpoint any one thing that would explain why I'm avoidant. I just know that I was always a really shy and sensitive kid (from as young as I can remember), and that my parents were always, always arguing. My dad was an alcoholic and abusive towards my mother while I was a boy in the 80s, and she gave him a hell of a time in return. So in essence it was an extremely turbulent time, compounded by the fact that they actually stayed together throughout all of it, which in hindsight was a horrible decision.

What I do remember is spending a lot of time hiding under my bed as a kid. I also know that I cried every day of my life up until age 7, and that I was awkward around other kids. During school I'd always feel out of place, and I always came straight home as soon as I could, with no real friends and no desire to hang out with anyone.

I suppose my tumultuous time at home could have caused my AvPD, but since it started so early in life I almost lean towards thinking it was something I was born with.

 

[kihira]

EscapeArtist, I've gone giddy reading this. When I was young we moved around a bit and went to 5 different schools. Right now my mind is making all sorts of connections with how I am now. Friends don't last long > don't get too close. I can't think straight.

What was the Disney movie??

 

[EscapeArtist]

^ !! Hey, you might have discovered something! Maybe this is a common cause??? I'm giddy for you now!

The Disney movie was Spirit. Watched it with that second family of mine. It still remains one of my favorites. Coincidentally it's about getting back home, also the effect of civilization on nature. It deserves to be a real Disney classic!

 

[vj288]

I apologize if this gets long, but I have many theories and have thought long and hard about it.

I can pinpoint around the time it was triggered, about half-way through 7th grade.Unfortunately, many things were going in at this time, and it may possible have been a combination of things.

It think it was either an external thing that triggered my thinking or an internal switch that went off. First the external. I don't remember any specifics, but I feel I may have been bullied a little (or a lot) on my bus. Up until that point I don't think I cared because I figured they were just kidding around, laughing with me, no big deal. Then one day I (think I) realized or started to believe otherwise, that they were making fun of me, look stupid, thought less of me, or something along those lines. My solution, if I don't say anything I can't say anything stupid. This led to me trying to not talk, resulting in my voice doing very strange things, in which it started being imitated almost all the time. As you can imagine I was now very self-conscious about my voice,and my mouth in general (I have two buck teeth I don't like to show). That's theory 1.

I was also asked out by a girl, very comfortable around her as I was everyone, funny and such. I technically had a girlfriend, but in my book it doesn't count and I'll explain why. I slowly and surely talked less and less too her until I could no longer verbalize words whatsoever. We wrote notes, that is all. After I took that next step, I realized "Whoa, I have a girlfriend. She likes me more than anyone else. Having a girlfriend leads to things (Kissing, hand-holding, sex...) and has a lot of responsibilities." That made me very nervous all the time, we would eat lunch together and I wouldn't say a word. She was the first person I couldn't talk to. I ended up breaking it off, I was just holding her back. This progressed from her, to her friends, to girls, to guys with female friends, to all people. I think there is a tie-in with my third theory.

This one is the one I believed to be true (somewhat irrationally) for most of high school, and I may be a little cryptic in explaining it. So I started doing something that I really liked around this time. I was also starting to think more about my religion, specifically morals. I came to the conclusion that Morality is Subjective, that we are born with a moral code of sorts we are supposed to follow. One day I realized that thing I liked was immoral (for me) to do. I figured now that I know this I can stop. I didn't. It got to the point where I was certain I was going to Hell no matter what did (see Criminal -Apple,Fiona) and that my life held no purpose other than to make others lives better. I didn't want to take opportunities away from others, and always had in the back of my mind to consider others first. The tie in with theory 2 is that I also didn't want girls to like me, period. If I was myself, they may become attracted (it happened once before) and I would either have to tell them no (and feel bad I resulted in there sadness afterwards) or lead them on thinking I was worth more than scum.

Well that's what I have come up with, for all I know it could be all three. Thanks for reading (no one, that was really long) but just writing it down was nice.

 

[EscapeArtist]

I apologize if this gets long, but I have many theories and have thought long and hard about it.

I can pinpoint around the time it was triggered, about half-way through 7th grade.Unfortunately, many things were going in at this time, and it may possible have been a combination of things.

It think it was either an external thing that triggered my thinking or an internal switch that went off. First the external. I don't remember any specifics, but I feel I may have been bullied a little (or a lot) on my bus. Up until that point I don't think I cared because I figured they were just kidding around, laughing with me, no big deal. Then one day I (think I) realized or started to believe otherwise, that they were making fun of me, look stupid, thought less of me, or something along those lines. My solution, if I don't say anything I can't say anything stupid. This led to me trying to not talk, resulting in my voice doing very strange things, in which it started being imitated almost all the time. As you can imagine I was now very self-conscious about my voice,and my mouth in general (I have two buck teeth I don't like to show). That's theory 1.

I was also asked out by a girl, very comfortable around her as I was everyone, funny and such. I technically had a girlfriend, but in my book it doesn't count and I'll explain why. I slowly and surely talked less and less too her until I could no longer verbalize words whatsoever. We wrote notes, that is all. After I took that next step, I realized "Whoa, I have a girlfriend. She likes me more than anyone else. Having a girlfriend leads to things (Kissing, hand-holding, sex...) and has a lot of responsibilities." That made me very nervous all the time, we would eat lunch together and I wouldn't say a word. She was the first person I couldn't talk to. I ended up breaking it off, I was just holding her back. This progressed from her, to her friends, to girls, to guys with female friends, to all people. I think there is a tie-in with my third theory.

This one is the one I believed to be true (somewhat irrationally) for most of high school, and I may be a little cryptic in explaining it. So I started doing something that I really liked around this time. I was also starting to think more about my religion, specifically morals. I came to the conclusion that Morality is Subjective, that we are born with a moral code of sorts we are supposed to follow. One day I realized that thing I liked was immoral (for me) to do. I figured now that I know this I can stop. I didn't. It got to the point where I was certain I was going to Hell no matter what did (see Criminal -Apple,Fiona) and that my life held no purpose other than to make others lives better. I didn't want to take opportunities away from others, and always had in the back of my mind to consider others first. The tie in with theory 2 is that I also didn't want girls to like me, period. If I was myself, they may become attracted (it happened once before) and I would either have to tell them no (and feel bad I resulted in there sadness afterwards) or lead them on thinking I was worth more than scum.

Well that's what I have come up with, for all I know it could be all three. Thanks for reading (no one, that was really long) but just writing it down was nice.

Hey, I enjoyed reading that.
I think there is a combination that is necessary for AvPD to develop. Taunting, being taken away from people or abandonment, or this thing that I bolded in your words....

I came to the very same conclusion as a child. To live only to make other people's lives more worthwhile, and nothing more.... I have been trying to figure out where that came from for the longest time, so of course, I loved reading your post. We can all relate remember, your words are all valuable! I didn't know anybody else made that conscious decision! I remember chanting that in my head like it was my mantra.

 

[byar]

I have too many reasons. First, I was born in a small industrial town with quite harsh nationalistic people. As a child I remember very well that even adults looked at me with hatred because I was not one of them. Can you imagine how a Jewish child felt in Nazi Germany? I don't have to imagine I lived such life. Thanks God, my mother put me in a boarding school from age 7 to 10 in a more ethnically diverse town. Those were the best years of childhood. Second, my mother didn't take care of me, she left me with my blind and deaf great grandmother when I was 6 for a year. The next 4 years she visited me once in two weeks. Third, I changed 7 schools. Fourth, I was bullied at school for two years because I was ethnic minority (we had to return back to our hometown). Fifth, I reading lot of classic authors and gradually I completely lost interest in socializing with imbeciles that surrounded me.

 

[Hastings & Main]

I was bullied a little in school, but nothing savage. Just the usual ritual pecking-order configuration that's natural for the environment.

The change basically came with adolescence. We all get sucker-punched with the weird **** when that rolls around but it seems my brain-chemistry went a little awry in the process and it didn't want to follow the path most of my peers were going.
I withdrew, became more sensitive towards others' feelings, realized I couldn't really read other people's body-language, didn't join large-group activities ie. sports, picking on the weak etc.

Through junior & high school I had a few friendships which coalesced through the music we all loved (metal/punk; magnets for outcasts) and, although I was obviously a loner in the relatively small suburban school I was largely ignored by the tough-guy/bully contingent. Seems if you can't read body language, you in turn give off a strange vibe yourself as your physical presence doesn't know how to act/react in public. Nobody knew what I was about, so I was let be.
Wow, now I'm recalling an incident where a much bigger guy was getting tough with me outside on the schoolyards and as I walked towards him with a wondering look on my face he raised his palms face out and backed away saying whoah, just kidding - never mind, big guy!, and with a nervous laugh walked away. I was just moving closer to hear what he said ::.

 

[TooShyShy]

Could a man losing a young, close family member (a teenage niece or nephew lets say) to a suicide cause someone to be this way? Can a loss this unbearable and unbelievable cause Avoident Personality Disorder with a woman (he likes) years later?


Just curous...

 

[Sial Axetder]

Very simple.
Elementary, one friend left school. I am an odd one out. It began there. Teasing, constant. Avoid everyone, invisible. Crude attempts by senior students, no doubt a task given by adult teachers noticing my lack of social want. Hide behind wall. They, away.

There it is! Ha.

Then solidified as time rides on. I was fantastic in high school football (Canadian football - yes there is a difference). My position was LO.

10points to whom ever can tell me what LO means.

Now trying to return all that was shutdown into normal working order. And its hard.

 

[coyote]

outside linebacker?

 

[Sial Axetder]

outside linebacker?

LO not OL.
Close though. Try further away.

 

[petrified eyes]

All 4 of my close friends moved away within in the span of 18 months. A year later my father moves out. When I got to high school the few people I used to hang out with in middle school have different schedules, I never got to see them except when passing each other in the halls.

In June, one of my old friends and I found each other on facebook. We sent each other a few messages, agreed we should meet somewhere, catch up. Haven't done that yet. She gave me her number, told me to call her. Well, me and phones. She said text her. I did, maybe 5 or 6 times. The last time was in September. I never know what to say, I've been busy, I wasn't feeling well, my phone broke. Excuses, avoidance.

 

[sara226]

I was always shy but got bullied at school and thats when I started avoiding. I also had family problems and had to move out a year ago and thats when I avoided everyone/everything.

 

[kihira]

LO not OL.
Close though. Try further away.

left offensive?
last on?
linesman official?
lollipop orderly?

 

[awkwardamanda]

Well, I suppose I'll just say why I have issues, since AvPD is only one many possibilities...

There seems to be a theme here with people moving away. I've never moved, myself, but a number of friends moved away when I was a kid. Come to think of it, that is a form of abandonment. One of my friends moved so many times I'd have to stop and think of all the places she's lived. She moved out of my neighbourhood during grade seven, which was an awful year for me. My other friend at the time ditched me for cooler, more popular friends so I was all alone. We managed to stay friends after she moved although that hasn't been the case as of late. I blame myself for that. I've become so depressed and reclusive ever since finishing up school, I've hardly bothered to talk to my friends.

Elementary school was bad. I was bullied a lot and I did nothing to provoke it. I think I was picked on for being the smart kid. I was shy anyway and I felt like everyone hated me so I never really learned how to make friends. I remember crying and hating myself as a kid. Things haven't changed much since then.

I was sexually abused as a kid. I'm not going to go into detail but that really F-ed me up. Being shy made it very difficult to tell my parents about it too. I kept it a secret for years.

Then I became diabetic when I was eleven. I had a tough time dealing with that because I'm so secretive. I didn't like talking about it. I didn't like it when my parents told people about it. I didn't want to draw any attention to it. I got picked on because of it. I missed any chance to make friends because of it. I went home at lunch during junior high because I didn't want to have to test my blood sugar at school and that was right when my b*tch friend started to ignore me and the other moved away. Lunch hour was when everybody hung out and got to know each other. I screwed myself over and was pretty much on my own. I really wasn't getting bullied anymore at that point, but I felt so alone and it seemed like everyone hated me even though they didn't exactly make a point of it. I just felt so out of place from then on and made very few friends throughout high school.

On top of all that, my mom has her own anxiety issues so I'm not surprised that got passed down to me. Mostly, she's a worrywart. She was and still is overprotective. We both have hoarding issues too. Overall, I'm worse off than she is. I still can't bear to speak up though.

Of course, it's much more complicated than what I've just described. I could probably rant for ages but whatever. That's mainly what screwed me up, anyway.

 

[bangdrum]

Wow, I'm the odd one out then. No abandonment here... well, none that would've MADE me avoidant anyway. I already was. (As far as what that abandonment-ish stuff was, my mom took me and left my father when I was 5. They got divorced over the next couple of years during which time I had to have visitations with him, which were awful. And my mother was (and is) often angry.) Anyone want to entertain the idea that my phobia (and yeah, it really is a phobia) of radiators, which started when I was maybe 8 or 10, helped make me avoid stuff more?

But anyway, I was avoidant from birth. Really and truly. My mother says I wouldn't play with other kids in the sandbox when I was 2. I cried all the time, even in my sleep. I was diagnosed with diabetes shortly before I turned 3. That made things even worse, since I had to ask for diet soda, or to excuse myself to go do a shot or take a test, or EXPLAIN to people that I was diabetic (still not fully okay with that). I was basically a spaced out loner as a kid - I don't think it really occurred to me that I didn't have friends, or that I cared much. I've blanked a lot of my early childhood, so I don't really know what I was thinking at some points. But really, no moving (lived in the same place since I was 6), no bullying (not much at least), no deaths, no abandonment...

 

[Apotheosis]

LO not OL.
Close though. Try further away.

Lineside outbacker!

Or is that Australian football?

 

[Darryl]

I was never close to anyone- so my story doesn't have loosing friends just a father.

My mum was still griving while giving birth (Dad died on his birthday in a motorcycle accident 2 days before I was born- )

Dad was a big personality, mum was always shy.

My psych told me by the time of was three I had all the ingredients of a disorder.

 

[Beyond Timid]

I abandon. I always abandon. Every new school year, I stop talking to all my friends from the previous year. This cycle goes on and on. I don't hate them, but I feel so awkward talking to them again. And then I stupidly regret losing them in the end.