Feeling hopeless

[bashfulgirl]

I seem to be more depressed than ever right now because I just can't see any possibility for change. I'm so screwed up and have thot over the years, oh surely by 25 yrs old I'll be better...oh surely by 35 yrs old I'll be better...now I'm 42 and just can't seem to make any progress. When I go anywhere at all I'm nervous and worried that people will notice how I never have anything interesting to say. My neighbors try to hide from me because I'm so hard to talk to. I've never been happy and always scared of everything.
When I was little I was afraid of everyone and everything from the very first moment I can remember, so I never learned how to talk to people or relate with people. Something happened when I was born that wasn't right and I was sad all the time and angry all the time,I was never right and cried every day of preschool when I went at age 4 and everyday of Kind and first grade. I finally was able to stop crying in 2nd grade, but spent most of the day playing by myself at the back of the classroom away from everyone. I was uncomfortable around my family and hid in my room all the time. I was not happy to be alive or to be me. I was sick to my stomach every day of school growing up and afraid of everyone and feel the same way today with any encounter with people.
I know suicide isn't the answer altho I've thot about it a jillion times. But I just don't feel I've made any progress in my life and can't figure out how to. How to be comfortable in any situation, how to hold a normal conversation, how to not feel aweful almost every moment of the day. Just can't figure out how to feel better. Help.

 

[babel]

Hello,
I understand only too well how you must be feeling...and I know only too well that sometimes just knowing someone understands may still not be enough. I just want to know if you are on any meds? Sometimes they can reduce the phobia a little to enable you enjoy life.

 

[QuietStranger]

You must remember that suicide is the cowards way out - You're stronger than that, as are all of us 8)

 

[bashfulgirl]

Thanks for understanding Babel. I am on Lexipro and usually drugs make me feel better even tho I'm not any better relating to people. I guess it justs raises my seratonin enuf to make life more bearable. I just want to think of life as good some day instead of just making it thru each day. It does help immensely to know that the people here feel alot of the same ways and understand what I'm talking about.

 

[Layla]

hi, i can relate to what youre saying too. Are you seeing a psychologist? Someone you can talk to about these things and can help you progress in the right direction? that could do alot of good. don't despair, you aren't alone, and im sure you've done some very important & meaningful things in your life thus far!

 

[JulieKC]

I believe that if we quit this life. We are reborn to try again and complete a life to the full. Well I've gone through enough problems in this life, i am definately not starting it again.

An odd belief I know, but it keeps me going

 

[styrka]

When I go anywhere at all I'm nervous and worried that people will notice how I never have anything interesting to say.

I understand exactly what you mean. I was so amazingly quiet through school that I think I got used to it and never depeloved conversational skills. now when I try to have a normal conversation I can't seem to make it interesting. I don't know how to express my thoughts verbally. even if I have a funny or interesting story to tell I don't know how to tell it and end up saying just a couple of sentences. when I talk to people my brain is working so hard trying to come up with something interesting to say..... but usually I end up not saying anything. I hate small talk also, it seem so hypocritical, I don't even see the point.
I also wanted to share with you that the first time I went to daycare (I was 3-4) I cried so much that my parents had to take me out of school and I stayed home one more year with a nanny before I was able to go back to school again and start kindergarden.
you're not alone. you should get some therapy or see a psychologist. it could help. if you ever need to talk or unload your feelings and frustrations you can write to me.

 

[maggie]

I seem to be more depressed than ever right now because I just can't see any possibility for change. I'm so screwed up and have thot over the years, oh surely by 25 yrs old I'll be better...oh surely by 35 yrs old I'll be better...now I'm 42 and just can't seem to make any progress. When I go anywhere at all I'm nervous and worried that people will notice how I never have anything interesting to say. My neighbors try to hide from me because I'm so hard to talk to. I've never been happy and always scared of everything.
When I was little I was afraid of everyone and everything from the very first moment I can remember, so I never learned how to talk to people or relate with people. Something happened when I was born that wasn't right and I was sad all the time and angry all the time,I was never right and cried every day of preschool when I went at age 4 and everyday of Kind and first grade. I finally was able to stop crying in 2nd grade, but spent most of the day playing by myself at the back of the classroom away from everyone. I was uncomfortable around my family and hid in my room all the time. I was not happy to be alive or to be me. I was sick to my stomach every day of school growing up and afraid of everyone and feel the same way today with any encounter with people.
I know suicide isn't the answer altho I've thot about it a jillion times. But I just don't feel I've made any progress in my life and can't figure out how to. How to be comfortable in any situation, how to hold a normal conversation, how to not feel aweful almost every moment of the day. Just can't figure out how to feel better. Help.

hiya bashfulgirl..i'm not on any meds or anything like that...but, i go through spurts..of feeling really depressed and shitty...and somewhere in between those days..i have days where i wake up feeling somehow not so bad...and hold out some hope and faith in myself...that today, it will be better, even just a little bit...and i just trudge on through...i just wish the better days would outnumber the crap feeling days...but..have faith in yourself...and even taking small steps..like..for me... making a phone call...attending an appointment...initiating conversation with someone....even just taking a walk down the street....can give me a sense of accomplishment..hope you're feeling better

 

[Jack-B]

The mind of anxiety has polluted your life. If anxiety never arose in your mind, you would never be scared and would be living a different life, certainly not as depressed or as down on your self. You believe you never have anything to say because of the mind of anxiety. You get angry because the mind of anxiety makes you socially impotent.

You realise you cant go on living like this, you see no way out, no way of things getting better. Because you are consumed by a state of mind that habitually pervades your experience you experience fear and pain.

It does not have to be this way.

Anxiety is an unrealistic mind, focusing innapropriately causing our mind to be unpeaceful and uncontrolled and fear and panic set in. Its drug like hallucenagenic effect creates a reality in which we believe implicitly exists as it appears. Not true. We know intelectually its silly to get anxious over the littlest things but we get anxious anyway. We need from now on to train ourself in a more realistic approach that brings calm, peace, a realistic response to our world.

What should you do from now on?

When you notice the anxiety, remind your self that anxiety is a state of mind, it is not 'you', then completely disbelieve what you are experiencing, its like a scary movie playing out/projected in your mind and it makes everything seem scary when in reality these things are not scary at all.

What happens before you experience anxiety? People arent that scary, but when anxiety arises strongly in your mind, everything appears scary, almostout of focus, as if for no reason the whole world changes. The world seems to change because our mind is way out of focus, unclear and confused.

Continue with this and stop blaming your self for anxiety and how 'you' are around other people. Once you disbelieve this anxiety that enters your mind like a thief who steals your happiness, you will be much happier about your self and your depression will lift.

Good luck

Jack

 

[Waybuloo]

You must remember that suicide is the cowards way out - You're stronger than that, as are all of us 8)

Yes i am a coward because i can't keep living, but im also a coward in that i can't carry out suicide. It's a horrible place to be.