Funkymunky
Well-known member
Im 23 years old (feeling 90) and the way my days disappear I'll be 24 by the time I finish writing this.I cannot leave the house...my partner of four years left when I became ill and my life just stopped.I recently got a myspace and found all my old friends...still all connected somehow...they have all travelled the world,seen and done everything and 'came of age' together with a thousand happy & crazy memories with more to follow...they have kept a priceless bond and are all interconnected in some way.Everything has dissapeared from life and i have spent 5 years sitting in my room,five years of treatments,hospital,depression,suicide attempts & drugged up hazeyness.
I have tried everything and now i am out of time...im too frustrated...my youth is fading...my life has yet too start...and even if i somehow survive all this pain and my life finally starts one day in my thirties ill never have a care free moment...ill have seen too much darkness to ever fully recover.I went from dreams of a life with my partner & friends,university,fun,seeing the world,a good career too complete depression and loneliness.After my breakdown i was diagnosed with depression,social phobia,agoraphobia,panic disorder,depersonalisation disorder,derealisation disorder,avoidant personality disorder & dependant personality disorder towards my ex.How do you ever get through this?...or convince yourself its somehow worth it?.I cant even remember what fresh air smells like!.I dont know what its like to wake up thinking of something other than suicide and spending all day just trying to pick your mood up to the point where when you actually stabalise your too scared to fall asleep.You dont want to lose it.You stay awake for over 30 hours untill you just cant be awake anymore...then you crash...you have nightmares and when you eventually wake you have to start all over again.All I do is fantasise about escaping everything,about falling in love and fleeing to some far of place in Japan or something totally emo and hippyish like an appartment in paris where i can just hide from life,forget my past and be in a stupid movie like dream state with someone by my side.I just struggle mostly with the realities of things so when i feel positive enough about life to have fantasies i just engulf myself into these daydreams untill it becomes too sad.
Ach i dunno why im posting this...im normally too tired to ever focus on the truth so i just talk p155.Guess I just wanted to use this caffeine induced momentum to write something 'real'.Sorry folks if this is a downer post,its just funny because now I feel alot better temporarily for posting this :roll: I dont think i do enough moaning so from now on im going to be a huge ass grump just to make myself feel better.Ive no friends too lose through being like this anyway.Ok too much reality,i have to go do something else...sorry for all my ranting...it wasnt externally productive but i just needed a place to type. :?
I have tried everything and now i am out of time...im too frustrated...my youth is fading...my life has yet too start...and even if i somehow survive all this pain and my life finally starts one day in my thirties ill never have a care free moment...ill have seen too much darkness to ever fully recover.I went from dreams of a life with my partner & friends,university,fun,seeing the world,a good career too complete depression and loneliness.After my breakdown i was diagnosed with depression,social phobia,agoraphobia,panic disorder,depersonalisation disorder,derealisation disorder,avoidant personality disorder & dependant personality disorder towards my ex.How do you ever get through this?...or convince yourself its somehow worth it?.I cant even remember what fresh air smells like!.I dont know what its like to wake up thinking of something other than suicide and spending all day just trying to pick your mood up to the point where when you actually stabalise your too scared to fall asleep.You dont want to lose it.You stay awake for over 30 hours untill you just cant be awake anymore...then you crash...you have nightmares and when you eventually wake you have to start all over again.All I do is fantasise about escaping everything,about falling in love and fleeing to some far of place in Japan or something totally emo and hippyish like an appartment in paris where i can just hide from life,forget my past and be in a stupid movie like dream state with someone by my side.I just struggle mostly with the realities of things so when i feel positive enough about life to have fantasies i just engulf myself into these daydreams untill it becomes too sad.
Ach i dunno why im posting this...im normally too tired to ever focus on the truth so i just talk p155.Guess I just wanted to use this caffeine induced momentum to write something 'real'.Sorry folks if this is a downer post,its just funny because now I feel alot better temporarily for posting this :roll: I dont think i do enough moaning so from now on im going to be a huge ass grump just to make myself feel better.Ive no friends too lose through being like this anyway.Ok too much reality,i have to go do something else...sorry for all my ranting...it wasnt externally productive but i just needed a place to type. :?