Does anyone find it really hard to think of something to say, more than normal?

[Flyingheart]

Hi, I'm new here. I've been following the site for a while but only just decided to register... so hi. I was wondering if anyone finds it difficult to even start a conversation.
It never used to be so bad, but now I can hardly speak for fear of making myself look stupid or weird or whatever, and the fact that I can't speak without having 1000 negative thoughts in my brain definitely means I look stupid which is even more frustrating.
I find it hard even to talk to my family whom I've always been close to and definitely had no problem communicating with before. I feel like a completely different person, with no answers as to why.
Anyway I guess my question is, whether anyone has anything similar to this and whether they have any tips to overcome it?
Thanks.

 

[Srijita52]

Hi & welcome.I've similar problems,I find it extremly hard to think of anything to talk about,even with my family.I don't have any tips but I really want to know what others say about it.

 

[Agent_Violet]

If I know I'm going to have to talk about things, I typically google local news events and use them as conversation starters. usually people are so wrapped up in saying what they want to say that they just keep rambling on and i don't have to add anything additional.

most face to face interractions with people are such crap anyway...all they're doing is acting like they're interested in what you have to say just so they can take their turn and say something they feel is interesting and cutting edge....*stifling a yawn*

 

[SkyBlue]

Yeah I have this problem too... But okay let's say your at lunch with ppl you work with, and they sit down at your table, you would say hey how's your day going or how are you doing today... Then let them take charge of the conversation why do we always feel like we should be saying something let the other person say something... If they don't care to start a convo with us why should we feel uncomfortable or awkward not starting a convo... But we do that's the problem lol I guess when in doubt ask them about there hobbies or interest most ppl like to talk about themselves

 

[Agent_Violet]

Yeah I have this problem too... But okay let's say your at lunch with ppl you work with, and they sit down at your table, you would say hey how's your day going or how are you doing today... Then let them take charge of the conversation why do we always feel like we should be saying something let the other person say something... If they don't care to start a convo with us why should we feel uncomfortable or awkward not starting a convo... But we do that's the problem lol I guess when in doubt ask them about there hobbies or interest most ppl like to talk about themselves

oh i hate sitting in silence with people i'm only slightly personal with...like coworkers. It's so uncomfortable for me. luckily, most people are more than happy to listen to themselves chatter away about THEMSELVES so like you said, ask them about their hobbies or interests then watch them run with it. The most you'll need to input is the occasional, "wow..really?" or "yeah,uh huh.totally."

 

[Flyingheart]

Thanks for everyone's posts. I'm glad I'm not the only person feeling this way..

I think I get what you mean Skyblue about most people liking to talk about themselves. It's kind of human nature.
I guess you can sometimes get so wrapped up in yourself and your own doubts and worries that you forget the other person is responsible for the convo too. Even when the other person wants to talk to me, I sometimes forget that they just want a conversation because I'm so engrossed in myself, my own worries and fears that you forget THEIR feelings. I don't know whether this is just me though.

 

[chrisjurban]

yes. having nothing to say is my greatest fear in social interactions, and it's the main reason i don't communicate. my model for conversations: people somehow create topics of conversation out of thin air, and when a topic is exhausted a new topic is spontaneously created. Every topic is perfectly exciting, interesting, and spontaneous. using this model, i become very anxious in social situations. what is the best possible thing i can say to start a conversation with him/her? ok, now i need a new topic. but i'm anxious and my brain is flooded with cortisol...**** can't think of one, ****, ****, ****...and so on. this model obviously doesn't work very well. what i'm trying to do is adopt a new model, one in which the goal of conversation is not to create a perfect performance, but to connect with another person. this involves talking about self as well as inquiring about the other person. the topics are not necessarily perfect, extremely interesting, or spontaneous, but rather serve to connect myself with the other person and are often connected to previous topics, so conversation is both pleasurable and has a sense of flow. but ****, it's ****ing hard. hahaha

 

[Phoenixx]

Welcome to the site, Flyingheart.

I'm sometimes like this too, finding it really hard to think of something to talk about. Other times, however, I could think of a bunch of different things that I would want to talk about with someone (family/friends excluded), but I never bother saying anything out of fear they might think I'm stupid for my interests or I'd bore them.

I apologize I don't have any advice for you, since I'm trying to figure it all out myself.

 

[Flyingheart]

chrisjurban, I think what you say makes sense. I totally agree that conversation is all about thinking of things to say to connect 2 people, it's just super difficult, especially when fear gets in the way of that.
Just getting rid of that fear is hardest of all.

phoenixx, thanks for the welcome and np, I think this is a great place to share whatever thoughts/ideas we have

 

[IGotSeoul]

If I know I'm going to have to talk about things, I typically google local news events and use them as conversation starters. usually people are so wrapped up in saying what they want to say that they just keep rambling on and i don't have to add anything additional.

most face to face interractions with people are such crap anyway...all they're doing is acting like they're interested in what you have to say just so they can take their turn and say something they feel is interesting and cutting edge....*stifling a yawn*

So hilariously true under most circumstances.

 

[Invisibleman]

Yes I find it incredibly hard.But as its been said many people love to talk about themselves so I kinda just go along with the convo. heh,I always said even if I had the courage to talk to a girl,what the hell would I talk about? But ive found out recently that girls...just never seem to stop talking:: so I can just sit back and let her ramble about the sale at winners and throw in a few "uh huhs" here and there

 

[Dead_on_Arrival]

I normaly let the other person speak first or just sit in awkward silence. Letting them initiate the conversation is a bit of a copout but once I start talking they don't get a word in. I have a tendancy to talk over people once a conversation is underway. It's a means of control for me but I then worry that I look stupid as I think I am starting to babble about crap.

 

[corvax]

It depends. I don't have that problem with family members or the few friends I have, but with people I don't know that well? I struggle, definitely, and when I do come up with something to say, I'm wracked by thoughts that whatever I just said was stupid/inappropriate/boring/strange. As other people have said, asking people about themselves is always a good way to get things started, but those are always the questions I have the hardest time coming up with :'D

 

[mart22n]

Hi Flyingheart!

I think "having nothing to say" happens because you're not open enough. You're afraid that what you say may sound stupid. So, if you've got enough balls (balls come through practice , there's a solution I'm practicing:

Start conversations with people whom your life or happiness does not depend on at all (actually I believe you are the only one responsible for your happiness, so what other people think doesn't matter much). You can say to yourself "nothing happens if I screw up this convo". It's hard, but only if you think it is. I can say it's become quite easy for me to walk up to a stranger and start talking. For example, strangers on the street. Start a normal conversation where you talk about your work etc, but also add details about yourself that from your viewpoint are "negative" or "inferior" (a la "Did you know that I have social anxiety?" The other person probably responds: "What's that?" And then, as you're an expert on this topic, you can reveal some "embarrassing details" and have a good laugh at yourself). You can also say "Did you know that my mind goes totally blank in conversations, for example in this one?" Don't think that there is anything wrong with you if your mind goes blank. Take it as an interesting phenomenon. Observe it. Let others comment about it. I believe your mind is not blank, there simply are no "suitable" things to say, but there definitely is something you want to say. Or am I wrong?

Eventually you'll get valuable information on what people ACTUALLY think of your "flaws" (a la "That's cute"). Then as you become a good conversationalist and you're open about your both "good" and "bad" aspects, you don't have SA in its strictest sense anymore, right? IMO it's enjoyable to lead the conversation to a "wrong" path, or say something explicitly "stupid", because that's no mask, that's your true self. I'd say the more you talk to people, the more things you learn about you and your environment, the more you "know" what to say. Practice, practice, practice.

Anyway, my "magic sentence" is currently "Did you know I have social phobia?" The logic behind it is, if I reveal this "worst" part about myself, then other less embarrasing parts are also easier to reveal, and I become more open => less stress & depression & cyclic negative thinking.

Report back if you start practicing. I can do it, you can too!

 

[Cecilia219]

I think I read somewhere that when you're stressed, the logic part of your brain can't work as well. So if we are all automatically stressed in social situations, illogical (embarrassing, awkward) things just start happening.

I have this friend who is really great & really social, but he is sometimes awkward because he says everything on his mind. So for those awkward silences that we so awfully dread, he will literally say "Well, this is awkward.." and it makes it funny. Since I have been around him doing that, now when there are awkward silences I think of him saying that and it makes me laugh a little.

 

[mart22n]

I have this friend who is really great & really social

...

because he says everything on his mind.

Love this example

 

[Flyingheart]

Wow, thanks for all your answers guys. I'm really relieved I'm not the only other person stressed about this.
mart22n, that was really helpful It just feels like my mind is empty because we are so struck by, as you say, illogical fear and worry that you kind of become a 'statue' in a way, this is my take on it anyway.
It's true I have to learn to be more open, but that is indeed the hard part...

cecilia, that was a pretty interesting fact, I never thought why we say that but now I think I understand more.