Do you ever avoid men or women you like?
- Thread starter bella1968
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redneck
Well-known member
I think it is typical behaviour among those shy/anxious people. Fear of attractive people, guys in authority or just people superior to them in some respect ( like more intelligent ones, more outgoing persons etc) which are perceived as some kind of "danger". To combat that "imaginary danger" we use different "safety behaviours". One of those behaviours is avoidance. All this stuff comes from low self-esteem which is mainly based on experiences in our lives, childhood or stressess we are exposed to or current difficulties we are going through. If you are really interested in that guy you are talking about in your posts so then initiative is on your side. Give it a go.I know it is gonna be difficult for you to arrange some interactions with him as you are shy person as well.To make matters worse,From the beginning of mankind, It was customary for men to make a first move towards women, to be a "hunter" ( anyway,do you have some experience with men?) Is he so unapproachable person that normal converstation with him is out of the question? Or eventually he might do fine with you if he would be exposed to that fear (your person in this case) more often so that debilitating anxiety would go away?! Yes, I think exposure is the key. P.s. He could be embarrassed to ask you out due to the fact that you work in the same company and his anxious anticipation of his perspective failure with you could put him off ( you know, people gossip etc). Generally,others opinions are very important for socially anxious people.
I wonder anyway if you are not going to run out of patience with him just to meet someone more confident and straightforward. Ok, good luck and report progress!
I wonder anyway if you are not going to run out of patience with him just to meet someone more confident and straightforward. Ok, good luck and report progress!
bella1968
Member
Good days/Bad days
Thanks for your response
Some days he is approachable....when he is having a good day or two. But i am limited to the time i can talk to him and sometimes he gives one or two word answers or an answer that seems rehearsed or even aloof. He laso looks at me alot..he thinks i don't notice but i do!!!!!
I've noticed on his good days he will be around me alot...talking to other people when i am there and he KNOWS i am looking. He seems to FIND people to talk to while i am in his presence. He stands in the same spot talking to the same person (a woman his moms age) every morning and looks at me, head bopping back and forth the entire time...looking to see if i am looking at him...he looks away of course over and over again and after a while i do too cuz i start feeling dumb about it...i feel like its a game OOOH YOUR LOOKING AT ME, SO I'LL KEEP LOOKING AT YOU! I don't look away right away anymore, i want him to KNOW i see what he is doing!!!
Also, he gets so overwhelmed that on somedays he is MIA for hours if not most of the day. But after he does that for a day sometimes two and i think all hope is gone then he starts the flirting and looking again and its as if he knew he could lose the connection if he doesn't TRY again. I always feel like he is trying with me...does that make sense???
Its only when he is having a good morning that is and can handle me being around him. Its his way of flirting i guess buts its the only way he seems to know how to flirt. If i approach to ask a question, i come up with some interesting ones sometimes...lol :lol: he gets all serious and his face becomes frozen so it makes me nervous and i just tense up! ITS A VISCIOUS CYCLE!!!!!
He knows i like him so it makes it worse...he just can't seem to handle me at all sometimes..he apparently doesn't want anything serious in his life (i think he is VERY inexperienced) but then why act that way???
Any ideas - I don't want to give up
Thanks for your response
Some days he is approachable....when he is having a good day or two. But i am limited to the time i can talk to him and sometimes he gives one or two word answers or an answer that seems rehearsed or even aloof. He laso looks at me alot..he thinks i don't notice but i do!!!!!
I've noticed on his good days he will be around me alot...talking to other people when i am there and he KNOWS i am looking. He seems to FIND people to talk to while i am in his presence. He stands in the same spot talking to the same person (a woman his moms age) every morning and looks at me, head bopping back and forth the entire time...looking to see if i am looking at him...he looks away of course over and over again and after a while i do too cuz i start feeling dumb about it...i feel like its a game OOOH YOUR LOOKING AT ME, SO I'LL KEEP LOOKING AT YOU! I don't look away right away anymore, i want him to KNOW i see what he is doing!!!
Also, he gets so overwhelmed that on somedays he is MIA for hours if not most of the day. But after he does that for a day sometimes two and i think all hope is gone then he starts the flirting and looking again and its as if he knew he could lose the connection if he doesn't TRY again. I always feel like he is trying with me...does that make sense???
Its only when he is having a good morning that is and can handle me being around him. Its his way of flirting i guess buts its the only way he seems to know how to flirt. If i approach to ask a question, i come up with some interesting ones sometimes...lol :lol: he gets all serious and his face becomes frozen so it makes me nervous and i just tense up! ITS A VISCIOUS CYCLE!!!!!
He knows i like him so it makes it worse...he just can't seem to handle me at all sometimes..he apparently doesn't want anything serious in his life (i think he is VERY inexperienced) but then why act that way???
Any ideas - I don't want to give up
Infected_Malignity
Well-known member
Yeah, every shy person does. You're not abnormal or anything 8) . As for me, my heart flutters. Anytime I'm in a situation that makes me anxious, my heart just races. In a bad way. I with that thing would just quit it
bella1968
Member
He was doing the avoidance thing BIG time today. He will walk by me a DOZEN or so times when i am standing outside my classroom (i work in a school) seemingly for no reason but not say anything to me...just look down or away when he walked by about over and over again but when i said hello to him he looked me straight in the eyes to say hello (very quietly) back but looked so sad and VERY nervous i wish i could just get him to be comfortable and not worry so much :-( He just has such a hard time talking to me!!!
It really makes me sad cuz i don't think he wants to be this way!!!! He use to TRY to be around me more and be comfortable and sometimes even start conversation but you can tell it was killing him...he thn gave up trying and now i am so miserable cuz i don't want him to give up!!!!
It really makes me sad cuz i don't think he wants to be this way!!!! He use to TRY to be around me more and be comfortable and sometimes even start conversation but you can tell it was killing him...he thn gave up trying and now i am so miserable cuz i don't want him to give up!!!!
redneck
Well-known member
Anyway, I thought that the strongest allure for women is confidence... Your case Bella give hopes to all of those males who are scared of their own shadows or down in the dumps for some reasons...
This common believe- "You have to be confident to attract women" can be questioned/challenged now and replaced with different, more up-to-date believe. Now wonder we cannot get girls if we think that confidence is a must.If You do not match your personal criteria or live up to your expectations about "perfect person" you should become so that you are not bother to find someone.That Problem with believes is that they are deep-rooted, developed through our lives and sometimes can be really difficult to challenge. But what I have learnt those beliefs we hold (whatever they are) are outdated and it is possible to change them. But, Of course it takes time and can be difficult..I am gonna work on it harder anyway and you Guys keep on fighting ! And I hoped you understand what my strung-out brain has just bred. Cheers
This common believe- "You have to be confident to attract women" can be questioned/challenged now and replaced with different, more up-to-date believe. Now wonder we cannot get girls if we think that confidence is a must.If You do not match your personal criteria or live up to your expectations about "perfect person" you should become so that you are not bother to find someone.That Problem with believes is that they are deep-rooted, developed through our lives and sometimes can be really difficult to challenge. But what I have learnt those beliefs we hold (whatever they are) are outdated and it is possible to change them. But, Of course it takes time and can be difficult..I am gonna work on it harder anyway and you Guys keep on fighting ! And I hoped you understand what my strung-out brain has just bred. Cheers
bella1968
Member
:wink: Its kinda funny to me you say that cuz sometimes i wish i didn't like him this much!!!!
When i saw the EXTREME shyness in him and lack of self esteem and no experience with women (i'm guessing) i felt that there was a part of him that really wanted to get out and be confident and have the ability to talk to me and look at me for long periods of time...act the way he does with everyone else. I thought if i gave it time and we got to know one another it would change and he'd feel more confident but he just seems to be more preoccupied with where i am, what i'm doing and what he looks like.
It's when he is with other people smiling, laughing and joking that i thought i could get him comfortable with me cuz its ONLY ME he acts this way with!!!
But as time goes on i see i can't help him, i can't change him...he has to want to change himself and i don't think he can. I honestly think he's tormented by all this on some level.
Somedays he just looks so sad and it makes me feel sad and hopeless
When i saw the EXTREME shyness in him and lack of self esteem and no experience with women (i'm guessing) i felt that there was a part of him that really wanted to get out and be confident and have the ability to talk to me and look at me for long periods of time...act the way he does with everyone else. I thought if i gave it time and we got to know one another it would change and he'd feel more confident but he just seems to be more preoccupied with where i am, what i'm doing and what he looks like.
It's when he is with other people smiling, laughing and joking that i thought i could get him comfortable with me cuz its ONLY ME he acts this way with!!!
But as time goes on i see i can't help him, i can't change him...he has to want to change himself and i don't think he can. I honestly think he's tormented by all this on some level.
Somedays he just looks so sad and it makes me feel sad and hopeless
roadkilldeadahead
Member
I dont seem t..o have that problem
I dont have any prospects right now in the dating area but have come across with a guy like that and let me tell you... It was totally annoying, it took him 4 hrs to make the first move. I wasn't goin to....i'm a lady! word to the wise.... If you like someone and your above the age of lets say 19, then go for it. After the teen years you will regret things more easily than you would when it didnt matter. You are seriously trying to find a mate after 19. And to the guys that have this problem... Don't be so shy, us women crave male attention...as long as you have had success in the past and know what your doing then you have nothing to worry about. OK????? Good luck
I dont have any prospects right now in the dating area but have come across with a guy like that and let me tell you... It was totally annoying, it took him 4 hrs to make the first move. I wasn't goin to....i'm a lady! word to the wise.... If you like someone and your above the age of lets say 19, then go for it. After the teen years you will regret things more easily than you would when it didnt matter. You are seriously trying to find a mate after 19. And to the guys that have this problem... Don't be so shy, us women crave male attention...as long as you have had success in the past and know what your doing then you have nothing to worry about. OK????? Good luck
TAMPA-BAY
Well-known member
I ve alwayse had this problem during my younger years but at the time I had never heard about anxiety. I think some of us should stop being so hard on our selves because we did the best we could in the past with the tools that we had.
Now that I know about anxiety I ve been montering my thinking and slowly have been improving my behavior by at least saying hi or chatting shortly with people from my past even tho things have changed such as them being maried. I have found that chatting with people from my past that I had crushes on even tho they are not in relationships helps me by showing me the mountain I created in my mind was not so tall. (odd methapor i know)
I know I am straying form the topic but I just wanted to pointed out that if we just tried to do with out fixing what goes on in our head we ll be right back to where we started.
Now that I know about anxiety I ve been montering my thinking and slowly have been improving my behavior by at least saying hi or chatting shortly with people from my past even tho things have changed such as them being maried. I have found that chatting with people from my past that I had crushes on even tho they are not in relationships helps me by showing me the mountain I created in my mind was not so tall. (odd methapor i know)
I know I am straying form the topic but I just wanted to pointed out that if we just tried to do with out fixing what goes on in our head we ll be right back to where we started.
splorff
New member
Yes I behave like this too sometimes.
Whether I avoid them or try to socialise really just depends on how I feel at that moment. If I'm anxious and tense, I'll avoid, as its almost a certainty, that they will notice and be put off me.
If I'm feeling relaxed and OK, I'll socialise.
If they see me first though, I'm stuck with trying to make the best of the encounter, as I wont just walk away having established eye contact, though I really might like too.
I dont know if I have AVP, but I'm beggining to suspect it. I'm 52. I've never been married, and I've never even lived with anyone.
There have been times in my life when women have signalled their interest in me, but if I'm not in a relaxed mood, things will go wrong. And women seldom remain interested in a guy who is anxious/unsure of himself etc.
Whether I avoid them or try to socialise really just depends on how I feel at that moment. If I'm anxious and tense, I'll avoid, as its almost a certainty, that they will notice and be put off me.
If I'm feeling relaxed and OK, I'll socialise.
If they see me first though, I'm stuck with trying to make the best of the encounter, as I wont just walk away having established eye contact, though I really might like too.
I dont know if I have AVP, but I'm beggining to suspect it. I'm 52. I've never been married, and I've never even lived with anyone.
There have been times in my life when women have signalled their interest in me, but if I'm not in a relaxed mood, things will go wrong. And women seldom remain interested in a guy who is anxious/unsure of himself etc.
I identify exactly with what you guys are talking about. Through random circumstances, I ended up hanging out with this girl that I thought was pretty cool, but now, every time I see her out in public, I just pretend I didn't see her and keep walking. It's ridiculous because she was the one who asked me if I wanted to come over to her place and watch a movie when we hung out, but now, for some reason, I feel like she would rather have nothing to do with me.
sketchy24
Well-known member
I have this problem with both guys and girls. Generally anyone who is good looking with personalities I like or wish I had. So I don't really have to be attracted to them sexually. At work its mostly all guys (like 5 women all waay older) and there are two who I feel very anxious around. I'm not gay or anything... they just have a personality, body language and looks I wish I had and not having any friends, I wouldn't mind friends like them. Any attractive girl will make me nervous even if their personality sucks. For some reason I feel the real attractive ones are judging me more than normal and I really have a hard time being around them at all unless they have a very outgoing and friendly personality. Even then I tend to feel like the biggest moron a live cause I'll usually say something really stupid trying not to look like a total loser.
peater
Member
wow..i didn`t know i suffered from this...there was a reallllly beautiful girl in my school that i really liked but everytime she tried to talk to me i got nervous and tried to make a good impression. in the end i always ended up making a bad impression and making her feel that i don`t like her/think of her as important.
result: she doesn`t talk to me anymore
result: she doesn`t talk to me anymore
