i am soo sorry this will be loong !! its just i kept it for a year..and now i wana know.
I am shocked of how iv become. Just negative. Nothing really makes me feel happy and if it does it doesn't last long. I feel like I've become numb and rock. Am full of negative thoughts n emotions. I get panicky when I meet people even sometimes around the people that are close to me! My heart feels like its jumping out beating so fast and then i feel a little shaky inside n i end up not knowing what I am saying or doing to be honest . I feel soo squashed n pushed to my limits just doing that. I cant enjoy myself around ppl it scares me. I don't make sense n soo much thoughts run to my head so talking alongside that is a tough job for me as I feel disorientated n sometimes start to stutter. The voices in my head say " you're fat, you sound stupid shut up don't embrass yourself your English is pathetic, you look small, you cnt dance n every one is watching you, are you gna mke a fool of yourself. .see what did I tel yu you shouldn't have come cz you'd be emotional n want to leave anyway...se no ones around you youre a loner, nobody realy likes you n sees yu important to be around yu for long, everyone is tired of you, you're annoying justtt leave right now nobody will notice and dont ruin their good mood just because you're not enjoying yourself it aint their fault, its yours for being moody n boring. ..your dumb cnt do anything like a phone call and always need help, You're fat why dnt you just stop eating so you go anorexic n youl fit into tops n dresses n youl stop hating yourselff n stop complaining, you are soo weird why can't you just grow up sometimes and converse properly, look ppl r looking at you weirdly meaning you doin something wrong so stop it you're probably boring them..." all this ruinss mee making me distance myself n stop goin out much even though I don't want this to get on my way and while i did this half way through the year ave learnt itll only make it harder for me to connect with people later so put my fears aside n keep trying even though it feeellsss soo horrible pushing ur self in somthing you dnt feel comfortable in doing n that hurts you it physically tiers mee out and feel out of energy n my heart hurts. I always go to toilet n cryyyy so many times during that time when am in social places ifeel like the surrounding around me is shuting on me . It feels like everyone is judging me. I avoided going trips with my class and stayed home instead. ikn this is not the reality but just thoughts however it seems soo real wen you are there present and pl are looking at you. Whaat is happening too meee iwas always happy, positive and outgoing n bubbly now icnt even chat much n am angry and ihate leaving my room n feek so cut off from everything n everyone almost and am not doing it unpurpose. Iam improving bit now n push my self out of my comfort zone so that I can see improvement in my self n helping myself instead of teling ppl what ifeel. I wish I hhad the confidence or atleast the positive thinking I had because there is so much icould do n jobs I could work in but I turn them down so idnt get those terrible feelings omg ihate it ,now that an writing about it my heart is jumping. I loose so much sleep nearly everyday that i forgot how it feels to have a proper slleep. It is ruined i can sleep for so long but while am sleeping ifeel awake and this is tiring n has impact in my health as I get bad headaches, feel kinda dizzy and pain in my body as I really need my sleep . This makes me cry sometimes as my body needs sleep but iam nt faling a sleep causing agony in my body. Iwake up realy late around 1 n stil feel like staying in bed. Iam called lazy as I dnt dont much at times as I feel soo tierd and out of energy. Is about time ifound out what this is. ..ineed help.
I am shocked of how iv become. Just negative. Nothing really makes me feel happy and if it does it doesn't last long. I feel like I've become numb and rock. Am full of negative thoughts n emotions. I get panicky when I meet people even sometimes around the people that are close to me! My heart feels like its jumping out beating so fast and then i feel a little shaky inside n i end up not knowing what I am saying or doing to be honest . I feel soo squashed n pushed to my limits just doing that. I cant enjoy myself around ppl it scares me. I don't make sense n soo much thoughts run to my head so talking alongside that is a tough job for me as I feel disorientated n sometimes start to stutter. The voices in my head say " you're fat, you sound stupid shut up don't embrass yourself your English is pathetic, you look small, you cnt dance n every one is watching you, are you gna mke a fool of yourself. .see what did I tel yu you shouldn't have come cz you'd be emotional n want to leave anyway...se no ones around you youre a loner, nobody realy likes you n sees yu important to be around yu for long, everyone is tired of you, you're annoying justtt leave right now nobody will notice and dont ruin their good mood just because you're not enjoying yourself it aint their fault, its yours for being moody n boring. ..your dumb cnt do anything like a phone call and always need help, You're fat why dnt you just stop eating so you go anorexic n youl fit into tops n dresses n youl stop hating yourselff n stop complaining, you are soo weird why can't you just grow up sometimes and converse properly, look ppl r looking at you weirdly meaning you doin something wrong so stop it you're probably boring them..." all this ruinss mee making me distance myself n stop goin out much even though I don't want this to get on my way and while i did this half way through the year ave learnt itll only make it harder for me to connect with people later so put my fears aside n keep trying even though it feeellsss soo horrible pushing ur self in somthing you dnt feel comfortable in doing n that hurts you it physically tiers mee out and feel out of energy n my heart hurts. I always go to toilet n cryyyy so many times during that time when am in social places ifeel like the surrounding around me is shuting on me . It feels like everyone is judging me. I avoided going trips with my class and stayed home instead. ikn this is not the reality but just thoughts however it seems soo real wen you are there present and pl are looking at you. Whaat is happening too meee iwas always happy, positive and outgoing n bubbly now icnt even chat much n am angry and ihate leaving my room n feek so cut off from everything n everyone almost and am not doing it unpurpose. Iam improving bit now n push my self out of my comfort zone so that I can see improvement in my self n helping myself instead of teling ppl what ifeel. I wish I hhad the confidence or atleast the positive thinking I had because there is so much icould do n jobs I could work in but I turn them down so idnt get those terrible feelings omg ihate it ,now that an writing about it my heart is jumping. I loose so much sleep nearly everyday that i forgot how it feels to have a proper slleep. It is ruined i can sleep for so long but while am sleeping ifeel awake and this is tiring n has impact in my health as I get bad headaches, feel kinda dizzy and pain in my body as I really need my sleep . This makes me cry sometimes as my body needs sleep but iam nt faling a sleep causing agony in my body. Iwake up realy late around 1 n stil feel like staying in bed. Iam called lazy as I dnt dont much at times as I feel soo tierd and out of energy. Is about time ifound out what this is. ..ineed help.
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