Brokenness

[LifeInternal88]

So I broke my lamp today.

My immediate thought was to buy a new one.

I imagined the whole process: cleaning up the pieces, taking what’s left of it and throwing it in the bin; the other vision was walking down the shop’s isle and buying another. I’m very future oriented so these images did actually flash in my mind. I even felt good about a new item. Perfect. Start over.

But then it dawned on me that this moment was kind of symbolic; it resembled the brokenness - feeling less than human, weird, not normal – I feel in my normal life. The cause is irrelevant for now, but the point is I feel imperfect. Just like this lamp.

So what if I’m not perfect? So what if I’m weird or quiet or awkward or boring? So what if I can’t achieve all my goals? So what if this is a dumb post and everyone will think I’m an idiot and I should never start a thread ever again? It doesn’t really matter. So I’m broken; or feel broken.

So I picked up the lamp. Put it back on the table. Cleaned up the mess. Then switched it back on. It still worked. Without the pretty decoration. With the bulb exposed. With sharp edges that could cut me. But it was on, brightening the room.

With only half the pretty white decorative shell, it illuminated the room even more.

So my natural tendency is to want to discard myself because I’m not what I think is the perfect human being. To think I’m worthless because I don’t feel whole. I feel like a half, exposed, wrong.

I hope this silly lamp will shine and remind me of this truth every day: Imperfect shines even brighter.

 

[user deleted]

What a beautiful post. I love the symbolism! Especially now that with greater light, you're able to reflect clearer on yourself. Those epiphanic moments always move me.

 

[laure15]

I wish I can do that with my lamp so that it can shine brighter. Great post!

 

[theslowesthand]

Symbolism is GOOD!!! You can learn MUCH and be INSPIRED from it.

Other ways you could also see it as...
- Coming out of the shell (expressing true feelings, rather than supressing)
- Exploding the walls of your "prison cell" (mind, life/style)
- Destroying the old (misbeliefs/limitations) to make way for the new
- Destroying the false outer shell of your being (living a lie; not being true to self; always playing "roles")
- Less is more
- It's what's inside that matters
- The whole is bigger than the sum of its parts
- The hole in the soul is bigger than you are (ie when one consists of mainly lack/hole, typical for SA people)
- We are made up primarily of nothing, rather than something (metaphysicially-wise)
- The innner light shines on, unaffected by all external worldly troubles

And if you manage to glue most of it back together (as i did once with a lamp) then...
- Never letting go of the past, or of flaws .. always trying to "patch them up", which never really works
- Being made up of a patchwork-quilt of odd-shaped bits'n'pieces, which aren't not "well-rounded", and don't really work together as a whole very well
- It's unnatural to be perfect; flaws (and showing them) give you character