Accepting the Inevitable, Without Becoming Bitter

[Avery]

I'm just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this. Is it possible to accept being forever dateless or friendless, etc., without becoming embittered?

To put a personal spin on the topic, I'm a 22-year-old avoidant, love-shy (if you accept the validity of that signifier) virgin, and bar some miracle or self-transformation I'll probably always be this way. What I want is to be able to accept the fact that this is who I am without becoming an embittered asshole. As it stands, a naive hope nags at me every now and then that I'll find someone or that things will get better -- hope that inevitably becomes despair when another identical day/week/month/year races by.

I don't want the damn hope, but I don't want the bitterness that comes with forsaking it. Maybe I'm asking for the impossible, but I just want a peaceful acceptance of what for me is likely inevitable. I want to accept that I'll never have a girlfriend/get married/have kids as comfortably as I can accept that I'll never be an astronaut or a pro quarterback or the president. Then maybe I can move on and find comfort and joy in other, lesser things.

I'm sure some others can relate in one way or another. Any thoughts?

 

[sabbath]

don't accept being lonely, do accept that you may get anxious meeting new people

 

[PennyLane]

Definitely don't give up hope! Things change all the time....without you even realising. The tiniest thing could change the situation your in now!

 

[recluse]

I'm a bitter person and i'm 28.

 

[EgoZero]

Definitely don't give up hope! Things change all the time....without you even realising. The tiniest thing could change the situation your in now!

Things never change, even if I do something. Atleast for me.

 

[Jake123]

Things never change, even if I do something. Atleast for me.

In my case things change all the time but it ends up crashing and burning and ending up the same way just worse, like a vicious cycle.

 

[Hoth]

I don't expect any magic, but I don't consider myself a bitter person at all -- I'm optimistic in my own weird cynical way. It helps that I've been socially anxious since I was born, so I don't even understand what regular lives are like really. It'd be a lot harder if it hit you later in life and there's something you're trying to recover and get back to.

Also, giving up on suddenly becoming a "normal" person doesn't mean you shouldn't try different ways to cope, nor should you give up trying to find friends even if you know it's extremely unlikely to work out and you only try every once in a while in limited ways. Just don't put the weight of so many expectations on the efforts.

 

[CoyoteX]

I don't think there's any proof or evidence any of us will have it for the rest of our lives. From the pit of my being I want to get over SA, so I will.

 

[langyuming]

Thanks for this site very helpful.

 

[cosmosis]

Avery,

I understand what you are saying and I've certainly been there myself. It is fair to realize that we may never be an astronaut or a pro quarterback or the president, but being lonely is not one we need to accept. If you want to be with someone, you will find someone. As messed up as I was and am, I still managed to find someone (after 22 btw). I know you don't want to hear any of this shit and I don't blame you, but it is the truth.

 

[meatcake]

i've often found it to be a weird catch-22 - if i give up on ever being in a relationship, i get along with people better, and can actually wind up getting into a relationship.

i think it's due to the huge pressure i've always put on myself to be in a relationship. a lot of which came from parental influence. plus my own craving for one. so much pressure just screws things up.

so yeah, the hope of getting into a relationship, for me, is like poison. i get along much better without it, when i'm actually able to get rid of it.

 

[Avery]

don't accept being lonely, do accept that you may get anxious meeting new people

I agree with Sabbath. You're only 22, you got lots of time.

Definitely don't give up hope! Things change all the time....without you even realising. The tiniest thing could change the situation your in now!

I can appreciate the positive thinking, and you're probably right in that I have plenty of time, but this is rather why optimism can be such a curse: you've only got plenty of time until you realize that you don't, at which point the cumulative pain of continuous failure has since left you bitter to the core. Hope is fine if and only if salvation is likely -- if it isn't, then you're playing against the odds with your psyche on the line. Recluse says that he's bitter, and I'm afraid of becoming that way. I don't want to become a misanthrope or a misogynist; I don't want to toy every night with visions of suicide and oblivion. I want to live the fullest and healthiest life I can despite being (apparently) doomed to perpetual virginity and childlessness.

If I decided not to give up, but to keep hoping and hoping and trying and failing, where would it stop? The cycle of morning hope and midnight despair won't cease of its own accord, and I'm tired of the ride.

Avery,

I understand what you are saying and I've certainly been there myself. It is fair to realize that we may never be an astronaut or a pro quarterback or the president, but being lonely is not one we need to accept. If you want to be with someone, you will find someone. As messed up as I was and am, I still managed to find someone (after 22 btw). I know you don't want to hear any of this shit and I don't blame you, but it is the truth.

Thank you for your sincerity, but even in my better moments I simply can't believe that finding someone is inevitable. So much is left to chance and circumstance; there are many, many people who have no one to share their lives with, never did, and probably never will. I'm no prescient, but I fit that profile more often than not, and I feel it's only prudent to acknowledge the possibility that I'll become one of them. That acknowledgment is destructive and embittering if it comes too late, past the point of no return; but couldn't it even be constructive if recognized in time, since otherwise wasted energy could be spent in a more productive way? I suppose (romantically speaking) both acknowledgements are actually failures, but I can't help but think that cutting your losses and ducking out of the casino with some cash in your pocket is wiser than laying your whole paycheck down at the roulette table.

 

[iamthenra]

I'm just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this. Is it possible to accept being forever dateless or friendless, etc., without becoming embittered?

To put a personal spin on the topic, I'm a 22-year-old avoidant, love-shy (if you accept the validity of that signifier) virgin, and bar some miracle or self-transformation I'll probably always be this way. What I want is to be able to accept the fact that this is who I am without becoming an embittered asshole. As it stands, a naive hope nags at me every now and then that I'll find someone or that things will get better -- hope that inevitably becomes despair when another identical day/week/month/year races by.

I don't want the damn hope, but I don't want the bitterness that comes with forsaking it. Maybe I'm asking for the impossible, but I just want a peaceful acceptance of what for me is likely inevitable. I want to accept that I'll never have a girlfriend/get married/have kids as comfortably as I can accept that I'll never be an astronaut or a pro quarterback or the president. Then maybe I can move on and find comfort and joy in other, lesser things.

I'm sure some others can relate in one way or another. Any thoughts?

I could have wrote the same exact thing.... I'm glad to see that someone feels exactly the same way as I do. The only thing is, I have accepted it, and I am somewhat bitter too... And I'm 41 years old..... Good luck!

 

[Oscelot]

Sorry to burst your bubble mate, but it's not inevitable. As naively optimistic as that sounds, it's true.

 

[Avery]

I could have wrote the same exact thing.... I'm glad to see that someone feels exactly the same way as I do. The only thing is, I have accepted it, and I am somewhat bitter too... And I'm 41 years old..... Good luck!

Thanks for the response, it's really good to hear from someone older and similar. I wouldn't be surprised if there aren't a lot like-minded people caught between hope and surrender and bitterness, etc.

Best of luck to you as well.

Sorry to burst your bubble mate, but it's not inevitable. As naively optimistic as that sounds, it's true.

It's hardly a bubble I want left intact, and I'm aware that perpetual solitude isn't actually inevitable, but I am acknowledging and accounting for the possibility (which naturally increases as time goes on).

If this thread seems overly self-pitying and whiny, that wasn't my intention. It'd be great to hear from others like iamthenra who either have or haven't given up and/or grown embittered, etc.

 

[mitchellb999]

I'm just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this. Is it possible to accept being forever dateless or friendless, etc., without becoming embittered?

To put a personal spin on the topic, I'm a 22-year-old avoidant, love-shy (if you accept the validity of that signifier) virgin, and bar some miracle or self-transformation I'll probably always be this way. What I want is to be able to accept the fact that this is who I am without becoming an embittered asshole. As it stands, a naive hope nags at me every now and then that I'll find someone or that things will get better -- hope that inevitably becomes despair when another identical day/week/month/year races by.

I don't want the damn hope, but I don't want the bitterness that comes with forsaking it. Maybe I'm asking for the impossible, but I just want a peaceful acceptance of what for me is likely inevitable. I want to accept that I'll never have a girlfriend/get married/have kids as comfortably as I can accept that I'll never be an astronaut or a pro quarterback or the president. Then maybe I can move on and find comfort and joy in other, lesser things.

I'm sure some others can relate in one way or another. Any thoughts?

I'm 26 and in the same situation. The only way I can accept that is to live as a hermit in the wilderness away from everyone. It's impossible to accept it when you live in a city. Everywhere you go you see people enjoying themselves with their friends and girlfriends and boyfriends. I constantly wish that I was never born. I don't belong here.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

I've always been very artistic. At times I've wondered whether it was a bigger blessing or curse though, to my social phobia.

Relating to your question, my talent for art has always helped to distract me from my lack of love, or lacking in relationships with women. I've always indulged that part of myself in direct proportion to how lonely I felt. They're both great sources for passion, after-all.

But would I be so socially uncomfortable if I didn't have that reliable well of joy to count on? What if I was forced to go out and meet people more often to stave off those feelings of isolation instead?

Has it hampered my progress in becoming "normal?" Or has my talent saved me from the absolute despair of true loneliness?

I don't know. :/

 

[Avery]

I'm 26 and in the same situation. The only way I can accept that is to live as a hermit in the wilderness away from everyone. It's impossible to accept it when you live in a city. Everywhere you go you see people enjoying themselves with their friends and girlfriends and boyfriends. I constantly wish that I was never born. I don't belong here.

Being exposed to the normalcy and happiness of others is awful for me, too. It's as though it's all relative; I'd be much happier if I was surrounded by other losers and rejects.

But would I be so socially uncomfortable if I didn't have that reliable well of joy to count on? What if I was forced to go out and meet people more often to stave off those feelings of isolation instead?

Has it hampered my progress in becoming "normal?" Or has my talent saved me from the absolute despair of true loneliness?

I wonder the same things, though my lonely habits are nowhere near as productive or creative (it's mostly just video games and surfing the internet for me).

Wish I had an answer.

 

[Avery]

I've been experimenting a little. All this week I've been "giving up" on romantic thoughts in an active, intentional way; I've been avoiding more public places at college where I might see relationships (and be reminded of my lack of one), deliberately ignoring my attraction to a girl of just my type in one of my classes, going to classes just before they start so as to purposefully avoid seeing/participating in any conversation, reading seclusively during my breaks instead of walking around campus, etc. As a doomsday tactic, I've been letting myself look shoddier than usual by leaving my hair mussed up in the morning, and by not shaving, so that my beard looks like a scraggy mess -- if I look unattractive and know it, any pretense of a relationship is scuttled; I make a bad first impression and I know it.

Instead of wallowing in depression as usual and wasting energy hating my life, I've thrown myself into more productive tasks. I've kept up (and even amped up) my exercise program, and have seen some really noticeable results. I dove into academics, studying and focusing, and I think I've nailed three tests this week. If I keep up this pace I'll A every course this semester.

So far so good! I certainly feel better than I did last week at this time. Thoughts of 'hope' pop up constantly ("If I keep exercising and doing well academically my dating value will go up!"), but I just shut that voice up and go on with other objectives. Who knows, maybe I'm just wasting my time on overwrought nonsense here, but so far I've found it a more liberating course than the staid 'never give up!' and 'keep your chin up!' and 'it'll happen one day' platitudes that I've pathetically banked on for years now, to no avail.

 

[iamthenra]

I dove into academics, studying and focusing, and I think I've nailed three tests this week. If I keep up this pace I'll A every course this semester.

'never give up!' and 'keep your chin up!' and 'it'll happen one day' platitudes that I've pathetically banked on for years now, to no avail.

Ironically enough, I have been studious my entire life. Throughout high school, and in college back in 1992. I've aced every semester as well. I was the "nerd", sort of... Now I am back in college, once again... Thanks to a crappy economy, I have had to change careers. I once again see all the gorgeous "girls" that I avoided when I was younger. I avoided them, because it was easier to accept defeat, than to attempt anything and be made a fool for it. Every class so far I have aced as well. Although, I have no time for exercise. I'm fat, out of shape, and I have persistent asthma. That prevents me from doing all the physical things that I would like to do.... Doesn't stop me from obsessing over all the pretty girls in the school though. I have wanted a gf since I was 10 years old.... And I STILL hear people tell me: "It'll happen one day" "She's out there, somewhere waiting for you..." " Don't give up hope....keep trying..." I say, trying???? WTF? I can't! I can't try, out of fear, extreme fear, debilitating fear. Besides, all those girls that I see are "GIRLS" and I am old enough to be their father, which really sickens me. Almost all those "girls" have more experience romantically than I do. How weird is that? Sorry for rambling... Just very frustrating, and depressing.