My girlfriend hates that I cannot socialize with her friends

[giwkorseda]

We go to dinner or out to clubs, and I do talk with them, but we really have nothing in common. I'm always nice and polite with them, but they think I don't like them, because I don't talk much.

My girlfriend thinks I'm not trying hard enough to be social, but it's hard to talk when you have very little in common. She doesn't understand how difficult it is for me in some social situations, she thinks it's just an excuse for not wanting to talk.

Anyone else have a similar experience, or advice on what to do?

 

[giwkorseda]

thanks for the good advice.

I do let her know how I feel, when she starts lecturing me. We fight about it often. My idea of good progress and her's are very far apart.

She just cannot (or will not) understand things from my point of view. She can't believe that there are people in the world that have difficulty talking in social settings.

 

[Argamemnon]

Wow, you two seem to have totally different personalities. You should keep explaining how you feel, and that not every person is as outgoing as she is. But you should work towards a compromise on this issue. Neither of you two should have the final say. You can accept to go with her occasionally, but she also has to agree that at other times you will prefer staying at home.

 

[giwkorseda]

Wow, you two seem to have totally different personalities. You should keep explaining how you feel, and that not every person is as outgoing as she is. But you should work towards a compromise on this issue. Neither of you two should have the final say. You can accept to go with her occasionally, but she also has to agree that at other times you will prefer staying at home.

yea, we have very different personalities. I have tried to explain things to her many times. I sent her reading material that explains my introverted personality, but she says it's all just an excuse. She thinks I'm lazy for not trying harder.

She told me today never to say the word 'Introvert' to her again. 8O Which makes things hard to say the least.

 

[giwkorseda]

thanks for the good advice.

I do let her know how I feel, when she starts lecturing me. We fight about it often. My idea of good progress and her's are very far apart.

She just cannot (or will not) understand things from my point of view. She can't believe that there are people in the world that have difficulty talking in social settings.

NEVER doubt yourself. How do you feel when you are at the restaurant/club??

I usually feel fine. I talk when I have things to say. But I do feel pressured, b/c I know if I don't talk enough, then we will fight again.

It's actually always on my mind, all day, that I have to be talkative to please her.

 

[giwkorseda]

I'm past that point. I'm thinking about packing my stuff and leaving tomorrow. I love her, and she does love me, but she is not very understanding about this, and the pressure she is putting on me doesn't help. I don't think she and i will ever see eye to eye.

 

[sevenroses]

You should give your girl just one more chance. Maybe she doesn't really realize how wrong shes acting. And its best to just give her one more talk and discuss how bad the way she's acting and how its really making you feel. Maybe she doesn't quite realize it, so it's best to just give her one more chance and talk to her one more time.

 

[giwkorseda]

I will think about it, but I know that in a week we will be back to square one, this has been happening for months now. I just don't think her attitude is helping me expand. The pressure she applies hurts more than it helps, and I cannot keep fighting with her over this. I have tried so many times, to get her to understand, but she cannot or will not, I really don't think she even tries.

 

[Angel_Of_Death]

With the different personalities both of you have, how did you end up hooking up in the first place ? You mind sharing the story ...?

 

[giwkorseda]

We meet at a strip club a couple of years ago. We've been dating for over a year and a half, and living together for a few months.

 

[Argamemnon]

What the hell is this? Who does she think she is when she says "I don't want to hear that word introvert again". Seriously, I would dump her immediately, if she didn't respect me as a person.

 

[Moonie]

The moment a BF starts bagging on my quietness/shyness/social phobianess (whatever it may be) it would be time to end things. I could accept/overlook many things, but this is something I take seriously. I want a partner who understands this and accepts who I am.

I always have a hard time meeting my BF's friends or family. It takes me a long time to warm to people - if at all. But with more and more exposure, I will become more comfortable. Often, family and friends are quick to dislike me or just think that I dislike them. There was only one BF that made me feel crappy, but he was a loser anyway. After I went to a bonfire with with his friends/family, he was like, "You didn't talk to anybody." And I don't care (as bad as that sounds) I was friendly and smiled - and that should be enough until I get to know these people better. I WILL never be the type who will jump right in and act like we have known each other for years.

Actually, shortly after this incident, he broke up with me. I think his family's perception of me helped form his idea that I am a bad person. He was like "I don't know. Maybe we are just different." And I said, "Do you want to break up?" And he was like, "Yeah, maybe." And I simply AND happily said, "Okay." And not too long after, he tried to get back with me and I would not have it. Again, I won't consider someone who made me feel bad about who I am - when it's actually NOT a bad thing about who I am. I could see if I were dissing people or just plain nasty, but I was friendly the best way I know how to be.

The thing (well two things) that angered me most about your post is that she said to never use the word 'introvert' again. As if it was in the same realms as the 'F' word or the 'C' word or taking God's name in vain, LOL. This is what is wrong with our society. People think being an introvert is a bad, awful, nasty thing. But, I honestly think we need more of them in this world. If I were you, I would try and use the word once a day - at least - to spite her. Maybe even twice in one sentence! Introversion is NOT bad and you should NOT feel shame in your introverted self!

I am also saddened that she did not acknowledge your efforts to get and know her friends. You deserve kudos for being courageous and friendly with them - even though it does not come easily to you.

And last, but not not least, I do have to defend your GF in a way, too. I think many times partners get downright frustrated and angry with us quiet folk because they know us on a deeper level. I think, in a way, they value what great people we are and it frustrates them that they can't show their friends and family that. She probably has been telling them so much about who you are - whether you are funny, sweet, creative, etc., but when they meet you they might not pick up on the same things she sees --simply because it takes time to warm up to people. So, I think this might be part of her frustration as well!

 

[giwkorseda]

The moment a BF starts bagging on my quietness/shyness/social phobianess (whatever it may be) it would be time to end things. I could accept/overlook many things, but this is something I take seriously. I want a partner who understands this and accepts who I am.

I always have a hard time meeting my BF's friends or family. It takes me a long time to warm to people - if at all. But with more and more exposure, I will become more comfortable. Often, family and friends are quick to dislike me or just think that I dislike them. There was only one BF that made me feel crappy, but he was a loser anyway. After I went to a bonfire with with his friends/family, he was like, "You didn't talk to anybody." And I don't care (as bad as that sounds) I was friendly and smiled - and that should be enough until I get to know these people better. I WILL never be the type who will jump right in and act like we have known each other for years.

Actually, shortly after this incident, he broke up with me. I think his family's perception of me helped form his idea that I am a bad person. He was like "I don't know. Maybe we are just different." And I said, "Do you want to break up?" And he was like, "Yeah, maybe." And I simply AND happily said, "Okay." And not too long after, he tried to get back with me and I would not have it. Again, I won't consider someone who made me feel bad about who I am - when it's actually NOT a bad thing about who I am. I could see if I were dissing people or just plain nasty, but I was friendly the best way I know how to be.

The thing (well two things) that angered me most about your post is that she said to never use the word 'introvert' again. As if it was in the same realms as the 'F' word or the 'C' word or taking God's name in vain, LOL. This is what is wrong with our society. People think being an introvert is a bad, awful, nasty thing. But, I honestly think we need more of them in this world. If I were you, I would try and use the word once a day - at least - to spite her. Maybe even twice in one sentence! Introversion is NOT bad and you should NOT feel shame in your introverted self!

I am also saddened that she did not acknowledge your efforts to get and know her friends. You deserve kudos for being courageous and friendly with them - even though it does not come easily to you.

And last, but not not least, I do have to defend your GF in a way, too. I think many times partners get downright frustrated and angry with us quiet folk because they know us on a deeper level. I think, in a way, they value what great people we are and it frustrates them that they can't show their friends and family that. She probably has been telling them so much about who you are - whether you are funny, sweet, creative, etc., but when they meet you they might not pick up on the same things she sees --simply because it takes time to warm up to people. So, I think this might be part of her frustration as well!

Your post is great, I see a lot of parallels with myself in what you have written.

Like you, it takes me a while to warm up to people, some more quickly than others, and the setting that I'm in also affects this, loud clubs for example makes it difficult for me to carry on a conversation. Also, many people talking at the same time, makes it hard, I don't like to talk over people.

I am always polite and I listen intently, but because of my quietness, I am perceived as stuck up. It's not like I'm texting on my phone during dinner or not paying them any attention, or anything bad, I genuinely listen, laugh at jokes, etc.

I do understand that she is frustrated and just wants her friends to like me and get to know the real me. I want her to be happy, that is why I make the effort to go out with her friends, but the progress is just not fast enough for her. I feel bad because I put her in the situation of not wanting to invite me out, because she thinks I'm not going to talk.

I'm not upset with her because she wants me to talk more and be more social. I just wish she was more understanding, and not so dismissive of my problem. Talking comes easy to her so she thinks it's easy for everyone, and I cannot get her to understand otherwise.