Hi all,
I have been looking online at some forums and help pages and think this may be my problem, but need some clarification really...
Well, I will get to my story now…I have been having these thoughts since I was about 18 years old (I am 24 now!) that I might be gay. When I was younger and at school, I always had crushes on girls and I have been in a few relationships with girls too. I am even in a relationship with a girl now and I have been for the past 4 years.
These thoughts originated back when I was with my previous girlfriend. I was with her about a year at the time and then the thoughts started I cant remember what caused them, they were very overwhelming and to the stage where I couldn’t handle it anymore! I managed to tell my girlfriend at the time and she was very understandable and slowly over time I managed to control things a bit better.
Its like a constant battle in my head, one side saying “am I gay” or “yes I am gay” and the other saying “no, I wouldn’t let myself be gay” and I don’t like the thought of it!
Me and this girlfriend split up and I had a few one night stands up until my next relationship, these were with girls also.
I then met my new girlfriend and things were still calm but every now and again these thoughts creep back into my head. Sometimes they grip hold of me tight enough that I feel extremely down. I sometimes sit or lay down in a certain way and then think to myself, “that position seems a bit gay” so I move or change how I am led/sat.
I avoid watching some programs/films on TV just incase there is something that triggers my thoughts off again and I spiral into sadness.
I know that it is also something to do with anxiety and sometimes if I see someone on TV my heart starts to beat and I start to think again and that causes another spike.
I have loads of male friends and I don’t find any of them attractive whatsoever. I do notice that some guys are obviously more attractive than others, but I don’t feel attracted to them myself. I even know a few gay guys and I don’t feel attracted to these either.
But, as soon as I see something or hear something relating to it, I always tend to start thinking “am I gay?!” again and then I either spiral out of control or I manage to ignore it the best I can.
If I masturbate, its always over heterosexual porn or lesbian porn. I have tried looking at gay porn to test myself but it made me feel anxious and uncomfortable.
Even when I am writing this, my mind is telling itself that I am being untruthful and that I am gay, but something inside of me just doesn’t believe it, very deep down!
Can anyone help? Am I suffering from HOCD or am I in denial?! I just want to be happy again, with no worry.
Sorry for the essay!
Thanks.
I have been looking online at some forums and help pages and think this may be my problem, but need some clarification really...
Well, I will get to my story now…I have been having these thoughts since I was about 18 years old (I am 24 now!) that I might be gay. When I was younger and at school, I always had crushes on girls and I have been in a few relationships with girls too. I am even in a relationship with a girl now and I have been for the past 4 years.
These thoughts originated back when I was with my previous girlfriend. I was with her about a year at the time and then the thoughts started I cant remember what caused them, they were very overwhelming and to the stage where I couldn’t handle it anymore! I managed to tell my girlfriend at the time and she was very understandable and slowly over time I managed to control things a bit better.
Its like a constant battle in my head, one side saying “am I gay” or “yes I am gay” and the other saying “no, I wouldn’t let myself be gay” and I don’t like the thought of it!
Me and this girlfriend split up and I had a few one night stands up until my next relationship, these were with girls also.
I then met my new girlfriend and things were still calm but every now and again these thoughts creep back into my head. Sometimes they grip hold of me tight enough that I feel extremely down. I sometimes sit or lay down in a certain way and then think to myself, “that position seems a bit gay” so I move or change how I am led/sat.
I avoid watching some programs/films on TV just incase there is something that triggers my thoughts off again and I spiral into sadness.
I know that it is also something to do with anxiety and sometimes if I see someone on TV my heart starts to beat and I start to think again and that causes another spike.
I have loads of male friends and I don’t find any of them attractive whatsoever. I do notice that some guys are obviously more attractive than others, but I don’t feel attracted to them myself. I even know a few gay guys and I don’t feel attracted to these either.
But, as soon as I see something or hear something relating to it, I always tend to start thinking “am I gay?!” again and then I either spiral out of control or I manage to ignore it the best I can.
If I masturbate, its always over heterosexual porn or lesbian porn. I have tried looking at gay porn to test myself but it made me feel anxious and uncomfortable.
Even when I am writing this, my mind is telling itself that I am being untruthful and that I am gay, but something inside of me just doesn’t believe it, very deep down!
Can anyone help? Am I suffering from HOCD or am I in denial?! I just want to be happy again, with no worry.
Sorry for the essay!
Thanks.