Women and my mindset

I don't know why I am writing this, but I feel like a complete weirdo by thinking in the way I do.

I always feel guilty of something when it comes to dealing with women, especially the ones around my age, the idea of thinking about them as partners or lovers makes me feel like I've disrespected them... this is ridiculous.

Being attracted to a girl that's way more younger than I am, is something inconcevable to me, I don't know...call it personal ethics or something.
Yet I could easily be attracted to a 30-50 years old woman and completely assume it (I find myself hypocritical).

I never had any dirty thoughts when talking to a woman, yet I always manage to feel guilty in a way.

I am trying to be as modest as possible, especially when it comes to eye contact, many people on the streets here look down, I don't know if this is because of dog excrement [JK], shyness, or just being downright snobs.

Today, on my way home I've come across a girl that had some particular facial expression, I can't describe it, but you know, this happens often between boys and girls. I handled it with a poker face, looked at her then away.

What's the point of this thread? I don't know, just call it a rant.

I get the impression a lot of people are wary of strangers so they avoid eye contact so that they dont invite conversation. Which is why so many people do their socializing at these clubs and whatnot. Its kinda a "safe" environment to mix it up without risking getting thrown into a nondescript windowless van lol. Rarely do people (especially women) make eye contact with me when passing. And if sitting somewhere, everyone is glued to a phone or magazine, anything to avoid having to talk to people.

Megaten said:

I get the impression a lot of people are wary of strangers so they avoid eye contact so that they dont invite conversation. Which is why so many people do their socializing at these clubs and whatnot. Its kinda a "safe" environment to mix it up without risking getting thrown into a nondescript windowless van lol. Rarely do people (especially women) make eye contact with me when passing. And if sitting somewhere, everyone is glued to a phone or magazine, anything to avoid having to talk to people.

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Very true, I completely forgot that fact, when you don't look at someone he's less likely to ask you something, I used to be like that.

Teenagers and young adults are drown in their electronic devises here as well, if it's not books.

Jungle said:

Very true, I completely forgot that fact, when you don't look at someone he's less likely to ask you something, I used to be like that.

Teenagers and young adults are drown in their electronic devises here as well, if it's not books.

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Oh yeah. As for feeling like you've disrespected women I think our society and beliefs have a lot to do with all that. For some reason I had it in my head for years that all women were these delicate, innocent flowers, while men were by nature lascivious dogs only after one thing. Women want to get married, men want sex yada yada. To be honest I the more Im around people the more I see roles reversed or not in the least applicable. The girls in my class are always going on about how hot some guy is, so marriage is the furthest thing from their minds. While I on the other hand, have gotten to that point in life where Im afraid of dying alone because I have no children. Anyways I think society puts a lot of weird pressures/standards on people so we walk around wearing masks, but the reality of how we are can be so different than how we're "supposed" to be.

Jungle said:

Being attracted to a girl that's way more younger than I am, is something inconcevable to me, I don't know...call it personal ethics or something.
Yet I could easily be attracted to a 30-50 years old woman and completely assume it (I find myself hypocritical).

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It is not hypocritical at all, a young girl or teenager is in a vulnerable position when in a relationship with an adult. It is immoral, disgusting and dangerous.

Megaten said:

Oh yeah. As for feeling like you've disrespected women I think our society and beliefs have a lot to do with all that. For some reason I had it in my head for years that all women were these delicate, innocent flowers, while men were by nature lascivious dogs only after one thing. Women want to get married, men want sex yada yada. To be honest I the more Im around people the more I see roles reversed or not in the least applicable. The girls in my class are always going on about how hot some guy is, so marriage is the furthest thing from their minds. While I on the other hand, have gotten to that point in life where Im afraid of dying alone because I have no children. Anyways I think society puts a lot of weird pressures/standards on people so we walk around wearing masks, but the reality of how we are can be so different than how we're "supposed" to be.

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Yeah, damn society with its stereotypes, there was a time when I'd be too scared to look at women, because in my head people would think I am a pervert or something. Our minds are indirectly being fed many irrational thoughts.
Oh yeah, you bet there are! I can't be attracted to these.

When it comes to marriage, the western society isn't that bad, in Chinese society there's a huge stigma on single women that get past their 30's, so the pressure is bigger.

Funny...even if I get married, I wouldn't want to have children.

Louco said:

It is not hypocritical at all, a young girl or teenager is in a vulnerable position when in a relationship with an adult. It is immoral, disgusting and dangerous.

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Well said, mister!

Louco said:

It is not hypocritical at all, a young girl or teenager is in a vulnerable position when in a relationship with an adult. It is immoral, disgusting and dangerous

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Do you mean an intimate relationship & not parental or friends?

Back in my 20s, where i worked there was a teenaged girl (13-14yrs) who definately wanted to have a relationship with me, and i was kinda interested too as i was still a virgin & inexperienced (so in a way we were equally vulnerable). She stayed home from school on valentine day, obviously so she could be around me. But i didn't allow things to progress, mainly due to it being illegal, so i was scared of that. I actually felt like a b*stard for not reciprocating the growing attraction, eg i didn't give her a valentine card. Shortly after i was dismissed from my job, not really sure why. Yet another of my "so close, yet so far" situations with women i guess. If only i stayed at the job & she was 2 years older. Who knows where it would have led me? I'd probably be in a better place than i am now.

theslowesthand said:

Back in my 20s, where i worked there was a teenaged girl (13-14yrs) who definately wanted to have a relationship with me, and i was kinda interested too as i was still a virgin & inexperienced (so in a way we were equally vulnerable). She stayed home from school on valentine day, obviously so she could be around me. But i didn't allow things to progress, mainly due to it being illegal, so i was scared of that. I actually felt like a b*stard for not reciprocating the growing attraction, eg i didn't give her a valentine card. Shortly after i was dismissed from my job, not really sure why. Yet another of my "so close, yet so far" situations with women i guess. If only i stayed at the job & she was 2 years older. Who knows where it would have led me? I'd probably be in a better place than i am now.

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No I think you just avoided a whole mess of trouble. If she would have gotten mad at you for any reason she could have easily gone and said you did something and had you in handcuffs without question.

theslowesthand said:

i was still a virgin & inexperienced (so in a way we were equally vulnerable)

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There's no way a girl growing up could be considered equally vulnerable to a grown man. It's about having the body ready on a biological level, not experience. An underage prostitute for example is still a vulnerable even after having sex with countless men, and is in urgent need of assistance to be saved from her situation.

When young teenagers begin to show interest for sexual relationships, it's imperative for the family to protect them from what their hormones may lead them into and help them focus on what matters at their age, like growing up with a healthy life and getting good grades at school.

What i mean is, since i hadn't "lived" life, nor had female experience, & felt as emotionally immature as a child, it felt like emotionally-wise she could have "wrapped me round her little finger". And also she was a sociable type & i was an introvert, so my people skills were poor.

A few years later i by chance spotted her profile on a dating site, and i almost made contact, but i thought that by then she would have been "light years" ahead of me, socially, experience & emotionally-wise, so i chickened out. Typical for me :sad:

Being introverted is not synonymous with having poor social skills. Its just a different type of personality.

Anyway, having said that... I read this earlier and didn't know what to say or respond. Regardless of how you felt, I am glad you never acted on those Ill placed emotions. One thing is to feel attraction to a younger woman while you're both consenting adults. What you described is different. Not only because it deviates from the social norms, but because it would have been, similar to what louco stated, completely different. Psychologically and biologically she was still a child and not capable of fully rationalizing the consequences of such a relationship. While you knew better.

Now, getting back to the topic, I feel similarly to jungle in that I felt guilt associated with even considering a younger man. Mostly for me, I think its because I have a younger brother... And I refused to ever consider someone close to his age. (Three years younger than I) however, I also recognize the socially placed stigma related to an older woman dating a younger man, and although I'd like to think that didn't factor into my feelings... I'd be lying to say I wouldn't have been embarrassed.

But I realize, as I get older... I don't care. Age becomes less relevant, and emotional maturity takes greater priority (varies for the person) from my experience, when you are under 25 age is much more important. But after that, you really begin to place importance on other things. Such as religion, family preferences, maturity, personality traits.

I don't know. That's just me.
But what do I know. Ultimately its whatever feels right to you (as long as you're both concenting adults).

nodejesque said:

Being introverted is not synonymous with having poor social skills. Its just a different type of personality

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I see. How about "...& i was an introvert, and my people skills were poor" or "...& i had asperger's, so my people skills were poor" :question:

nodejesque said:

Anyway, having said that... I read this earlier and didn't know what to say or respond. Regardless of how you felt, I am glad you never acted on those Ill placed emotions. One thing is to feel attraction to a younger woman while you're both consenting adults. What you described is different. Not only because it deviates from the social norms, but because it would have been, similar to what louco stated, completely different. Psychologically and biologically she was still a child and not capable of fully rationalizing the consequences of such a relationship. While you knew better

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Actually i think the attraction was mainly one-way at that early stage (i found her pretty & "funny" but that's about it - i guess i wasn't allowing myself to develop any "feelings", and i probably also never realized that i was capable of having "feelings" for another person). I'd never followed social norms to-the-tee, but i drew the line at doing sth illegal - i didn't see myself as a law-breaker.

Jungle said:

I always feel guilty of something when it comes to dealing with women, especially the ones around my age, the idea of thinking about them as partners or lovers makes me feel like I've disrespected them... this is ridiculous.

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I get it. I can't help but feel like fantasizing about someone is somehow disrespecting them. I feel guilty about it even though they have no clue. And yet I do it anyway. We all do. It's perfectly normal, but I can't help feeling wrong about it somehow.

I think everybody regardless of sex are in their own mindsets and inner worlds - battling self esteem issues and stress - all that sort of thing with their boundaries.

So culturally, maybe because of most people's boundaries - like layers- depending on the situation (if its a bar than that would be different) - it may actually feel a little wrong to think of women in a romantic and sexual way because its like you may of skipped those cultural boundary layers lol.

I dont know lol -- : P

Hello everyone, thank you for your replies.

Megaten said:

No I think you just avoided a whole mess of trouble. If she would have gotten mad at you for any reason she could have easily gone and said you did something and had you in handcuffs without question.

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Exactly, I'd have had the same reaction, you have to thing twice about the risks.

nodejesque said:

I think its because I have a younger brother... And I refused to ever consider someone close to his age. (Three years younger than I)

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I have a sister with -3 years too, and this is also part of the reason what a coincidence.

awkwardamanda said:

I feel guilty about it even though they have no clue.

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Well, if the person was aware of that, that feeling of guilt wouldn't be here anymore, because I'd had it off my chest.

Is there a reason why most of your threads are about women?

Sacrament said:

Is there a reason why most of your threads are about women?

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No particular one, I have 0 experience with women.

Jungle said:

Yeah, damn society with its stereotypes, there was a time when I'd be too scared to look at women, because in my head people would think I am a pervert or something. Our minds are indirectly being fed many irrational thoughts.
Oh yeah, you bet there are! I can't be attracted to these.

When it comes to marriage, the western society isn't that bad, in Chinese society there's a huge stigma on single women that get past their 30's, so the pressure is bigger.

Funny...even if I get married, I wouldn't want to have children.


Well said, mister!

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Screw Society and just be yourself. If you think you have problems with women, I think counseling might be a good idea.

Yeah, it's sort of laughable how society sees men and women. As for saying women want to get married and men just want to have sex, well how can that be true? Millions of men get married all the time because they want to. The woman is not holding a gun to them and making them do it. I just had 4 weddings last month and I'm broke. I also know many women who don't care about getting married. They are happy with their careers and say to me "no hurry, it can wait". And I know men who really want to find someone and get married. And they get so disappointed when a date doesn't turn out as they had hoped. So society is not always right. Men and women are individuals and we all see things our own way.