Will I ever find a girlfriend ?

Quinzio

Active member
Hello everybody, I am new here.
Forgive me my bad english, I live in Italy.
I have put a presentation:
http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/posts2745-45.html

My question is:
Will I ever have a G/f ?

I am 32, I have a job, I am in a good health, I can talk about many things, I have spared some money for buy an house, a new car, etc.
Somebody say I have a good look.
My only big blame, I think, is that I'm very shy. I am aware of my shyness/SP since some years.

Why on Earth do I have to spend my life without love ?
Why God, why ?

I have blown up my mind in a try to give me answer.
Where can I get help, where can I find somebody for me ?
 

Scottish_Player

Well-known member
I feel the way you do, i know there is something missing from my life and i think it is love, but iam also scared that if i do find someone and its not what i was expecting then how will i feel, i see so many people that have many diffrent partners each year its just like a game for them and its like why can they have so many and i cant even have one :?:

All i can do just now is live in hope that it will happen unexpectidley for me. Iam not realy in the situation to meet people which is on of my problems as i never socialise so i think until i get this socialising problem solved then i will just have to wait.
 

Quinzio

Active member
Hello scottish_player, thank you for the reply.
It's a crowded forum an a good thing is that you get answers soon.
Italian forum about SP are very slow and deserted.

In order to find a g/f, I should be doing something.
That's not quite what I am doing now.

Sometimes, I spot a girl who threw a glance at me, but I am scared of the situations to move my feet. Usually girls are with friends and many times with males friends. This scares me. If a girl was alone, I would feel less embarassed starting a conversation.
I think I must remeber that until I am polite and friendly noone will kick me or shout at me, nor the girl, nor her male friends.

Rarely I have called girls to ask them out, but in that situation anxiety kicks me hard. I got my heart beating very fast, I sweat, I cannot find the words to make a good conversation. I have not a friendly tone of voice, but I think I appear very sad and worried, much like I had to do a difficult exam, rather than talking to a girl I like.

I cannot find quick solutions to this problems.
 

Neebo

Well-known member
Hi Quinzio and welcome to the forums! :) I also feel like you and Scottish Player do as well. I often wonder will I ever meet a girl,fall in love,get married and have children. You seem like a pretty confident guy to me and I'm sure you will meet someone eventually :)
 

Quinzio

Active member
You seem like a pretty confident guy

Hi Neebo and thanks for your compliments.
I'd realy like my confidence will go into real life same day.
In social settings or with girls, I am scared.
I really don't have a good opinion of myself, which doesn't help much.
I think I could have a girl pretty soon if it wasn't for my shyness, and many girls who I think are "interested" to me are good looking girls.
Maybe I attract girls, but my shyness prevents me from reaching them.
It's like if I keep a barrier between me and them.

will I ever meet a girl,fall in love,get married and have children

Well, I often think like you're doing there, and I think we make a mistake.
Because, we are imagining our life until the point we'll have children.
We don't even go out with girls, yet we imagine when we will have children. I know, we do it because our society wants us to plan our life from school until retirement.
But I think this thoughts make us anxious about the future, as we feel we are missing the goals.
I must learn to think at one step at a time.
First, talk with some girls, build bridges with them. Not because I want a girlfriend, but just for the pleasure of doing it.
I have to forget about girlfriend. Forget about weddings, where I will live with my future g/f, if I want to make a child.
Forget about all makes me fell anxious and worried.

When I spot a girl I like, or when some girls show some interest towards me, I immediately think: "God, could she be my g/f ?"
Result: I freeze and I start to shake. Instead, I should say "hey, what about asking her name, and talking about last movie she saw ?"
And nothing else. Not trying to discover if she's a boyfriend and if she would hang out with me.
First is to make conversation just for talk and nothing else.
 

ChrisC

Member
Hello, Quinzio. I also have the same problem with regards to the girlfriend issue, I suspect that there alot of men out there with the same problem, but I must confess that it feels like I'm the only one.

I am just slightly older than you at 35 and I have never actually had a girlfriend, well, when I was a teenager I used to see girls occasionally, but I was only ever in a boyfirend and girlfriend situation once when I was 17, and I finished that after 2 weeks. However since then I can count on the fingers of one hand how many girls I have even just kissed.

I find this very difficult, but I tell nobody, and I make it seem to others that I'm not bothered in the slightest, when I actually am absolutely gutted. I have no idea why or how I have ended up like this, but at my age I really feel as though I'm running out of time and that can keep me awake at night.
 

Quinzio

Active member
Hi Chris,
seems like we are buddy in this life.
Well, what can I say to you ?
We behave almost very similar.
Althougth I nearly die because I am alone, I never mention to anyone that I have not a girl. Maybe if I'd express my situation, I'd receive some help, some hint, and I would get relief.
But nothing, like if it was my secret.

But I think really, the more we worry the more we delay the moment we will not be alone.
The more we lose sleep at night, the more we lower our chances to make a good impression to any women.
Being with a women has to do with having a good time, being relaxed, being polite, friendly, talkative.

I think we must really stop and let go the idea to have a g/f.
Paradoxically, it will improve our chances to have a g/f.
Thinking "I don't care about having a g/f", will maybe make us feel better around girls.
Losing sleep, worrying, crying, and desperation will only increase anxiety.
I feel as if I'm trying to catch a butterfly with a gun.
 

Quinzio

Active member
lifesnotfair said:
i have the same problem.. i am not saying that you should do this, but i have given up any hope..

Hi, lifeisnotfair.
You gave up, but that's almost what I was suggesting.
I should give up trying to find a g/f, because it cause me too much anxiety. But not stopping try to talk to girls. Then if anxiety disappear a bit, move to some deeper knowledge.
I will have to take it to very small step, and forgetting about where the final goal is.

Trying harder, getting angry and sad about it will get me nowhere, and it's even worse, just like moving frantically into moving grounds
 

abc1234

Well-known member
i know how you feel im 21 and wounder when and if i will ever find love it has put a big hole in my life and i really want to fill the void its so depressing for me to see happy couples and i miss i could have that i have never felt so bad my whole life i really hope that i find that someone some to fill the void in my life.i worry that i may never find someone that can accpect more for who im and if i do i dont think that it will last cause if im not happy and i would not want to be a berdine on someone first you have to find a way to be happy and to enjoy life so that one when yo find a partner yous can enjoy life together
 

richkid

Well-known member
Love will find you?

I'm 22, my first girlfriend I have was at 19, i've been going out with her for 3 yrs. She knows about my social phobia. It took time but I found it it doesn't solve all your problems but it does feel magical.

Confidence is a part of finding a partner, you have to work out what that means to you. Stop looking it will come looking for you and when it comes it will fell so good. You keep looking letting shyness hold you back the only thing you are aware of is the shyness. Watch hitch fantastic film with will smith. You have to use what you got and be your self. The point you try to be something your not becomes an act you become false and peole can see that. Shyness is nothing to be looked down on it needs to be used effectively. Confidence is not about having the latest material things the car the house etc its about enjoying what you have and making the most of any situation. You have to move out you comfort zone and start meeting people, as they say you have to be in it to win it.
 

introvert

Well-known member
Quinzio - I like your advice about forgetting about getting a gf and focusing on enjoying talking to women. I will have to work on this. All the best to you guys.
 

Quinzio

Active member
introvert said:
Quinzio - I like your advice about forgetting about getting a gf and focusing on enjoying talking to women. I will have to work on this. All the best to you guys.

Hi introvert.
Those were only humble advices. I'm not here to teach anyone, as I have a lot to learn althought I am 32.

I think you got the idea of what I was talking about.
If you say: I am 32 , lonely and desperate, tonight I will go out to the disco and find a girl for me, I think that the chances to make it are as low as to win the lottery.
But if you say: I just passed a difficult exam, I am tired but I am happy about it, now I will go in the next cafe and take my favourite drink, then you will be in a much better mood to start a conversation with a girl. Althought you are not searching a g/f in that very moment.


An example:
we all have climbed a wall, a long stair, a rocky wall. If you look down under your feet, it's easy that you will become very afraid.
We'have all been given the advice: "Look up! Don't look down, look up!"
Sometimes tricking the mind can be easy, as when you don't look down under your feet not to feel fear.

So, we go out seraching for g/f, but we will be more succesfull if we don't think what we are doing.

I hope what I am saying has a sense.
What are you all thinking about it ?
How can we easily trick our mind ?
 

introvert

Well-known member
Thanks for your reply Quinzio. I am no expert on this subject, but maybe as you said we can try and focus on doing things that we enjoy, and through this, opportunities might arise.
 

Quinzio

Active member
Hi,
yesterday I started chatting over the internet with a woman who lives near my town.
She's older than me, some years older, but as I learned her age I went on chatting.
I do not spend much time chatiing on the web, and the time I did it, I didn't make any real connection.
I find her a strong woman.
Finally, we set up for a meeting next Sunday.

I haven't seen pic of her, and she hasn't seen my pic, so I don't know what the result will be.

Anyway, for now, the result is that I will meet a woman after a long loooong time I did it.
A long time passed since I asked a girl out, and she said yes, a long time passed since I walked side by side with a woman or I took a coffee with a woman.
I think the fact she's older than me is making her more interested.
If anything goes wrong, or we don't match, I just want to believe this is the start of a long improvement.

You may share your opinion.
 

FruitLooPs

Well-known member
Sounds good to me mate :D

I'm similar but only 19, I found speaking to woman online really helps to break down the stigma that I feel around them. Still have never met anyone in real life yet though.


And if all else fails, you can fall back on being an italian stallion haha - go to another country and ya accent will give you a natural advantage :wink:
 

Horatio

Well-known member
FruitLooPs said:
And if all else fails, you can fall back on being an italian stallion haha - go to another country and ya accent will give you a natural advantage :wink:

LOL Ive always wondered about that! Ive always wanted to move to either England or Canada...

wonder how a kiwi accent would go down there :p
 

blubs

Well-known member
Hi Quinzio, Chris C and all
Hope you don't mind a women's perspective.
Only to say really...that Quinzio, you are probably right about not trying to build up too much pressure on yourself over finding a girlfriend. Get used to chatting with different women...on line, or when you are out.
When you can talk to a women without worrying 'will this woman want to be my girlfriend?'....you may relax more, like you said...and let your personality show.
What I think you fellas have.... is intelligence and the ability to reflect on things including your own emotions. I think these are good qualities (and in my experience, not that common :roll: )...and if you could get over your initial fear, you will probably find you have a lot to offer.
Good luck
blubsx
 

Quinzio

Active member
blubs said:
"...and if you could get over your initial fear"

it's all there in that sentence, it's really all there.

Blubs, sonce you want to share your woman's point of view, let me ask you a question.

Imagine you are in a cafe, and I see you.
Imagine I would like to know you, what would you like me to say ?
 

blubs

Well-known member
ummm........thats a good question
ummm....... :?

I don't think the first few things you say are too important, because its always going to be a bit difficult when you very first speak to a stranger and they will be sympathetic about that.
Personally, I would be put off by something that sounded too clever or well practiced........as if the guy spends his whole life chatting people up.
I think its good just to sound sincere....even say that its hard to introduce yourself because you are shy...that way you are starting off as yourself and not trying to impress someone.
ummm.....and if you are brave enough to strike up conversation with a stranger...keep the conversation neutral, you know...don't get too personal too fast, because even if you are a nice guy....it'll take a woman a bit of time to decide that for herself.

Don't know if this is any help :roll:
 
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