ghandi
New member
I'm 16 years old and live in a secluded town about four hours north of LA, away from all my friends. for a while I was able to bring them up or me go down for a few days but that died out after a few years. I feel so alone.
I havent seen a friendly face for over four months and I know im missing out on so much, so much needed contact with people. Living by the beach is a privilage that i never realized living there. The people are so friendly one never has to question themselves into a grave. By this I mean having to "perform" as I call it to make friends. Everyone up here(it seems) is so superficial and fake it makes me sick. I cant hang out with these people. Wealth and looks are priority number one. I cant live that way. I tried. For a few months I had been on 3 meds, Buspar, Zoloft and Depikote. All doses had been raised from month to month and although my mind was altered, my opinions of society havent changed. I cant describe the anguish with type. I cant get a grip on my thoughts. They run wild and I think the worst thoughts immagnable. I love life, or what it has to offer us all but living like this, with a bipolar mom, a senile grandma, NO man whatsoever living here, well my dog(and hes just about the only one i can talk to about this shit) wears and tears on the mind like a fine sandpaper. I also feel talking publicly about suicide sounds so rediculously pitiful it to makes me sick. Yet I dont know what else to do, that voice saying it could all be over so easyly is getting louder by the week, louder everytime my mom flips on me and calls me the sickest names in satans thesaurus. Im afraid for my mind, its getting to where I dont even know myself. Its such an uphill battle it isnt even funny. Im not trying to sound like some despondent teen saying he/she is gonna kick the bucket just to get a little pity. It's just getting a little scary now thats all. If anyone has been there and can give some advice I would be greathful.
-Chad :?:
I havent seen a friendly face for over four months and I know im missing out on so much, so much needed contact with people. Living by the beach is a privilage that i never realized living there. The people are so friendly one never has to question themselves into a grave. By this I mean having to "perform" as I call it to make friends. Everyone up here(it seems) is so superficial and fake it makes me sick. I cant hang out with these people. Wealth and looks are priority number one. I cant live that way. I tried. For a few months I had been on 3 meds, Buspar, Zoloft and Depikote. All doses had been raised from month to month and although my mind was altered, my opinions of society havent changed. I cant describe the anguish with type. I cant get a grip on my thoughts. They run wild and I think the worst thoughts immagnable. I love life, or what it has to offer us all but living like this, with a bipolar mom, a senile grandma, NO man whatsoever living here, well my dog(and hes just about the only one i can talk to about this shit) wears and tears on the mind like a fine sandpaper. I also feel talking publicly about suicide sounds so rediculously pitiful it to makes me sick. Yet I dont know what else to do, that voice saying it could all be over so easyly is getting louder by the week, louder everytime my mom flips on me and calls me the sickest names in satans thesaurus. Im afraid for my mind, its getting to where I dont even know myself. Its such an uphill battle it isnt even funny. Im not trying to sound like some despondent teen saying he/she is gonna kick the bucket just to get a little pity. It's just getting a little scary now thats all. If anyone has been there and can give some advice I would be greathful.
-Chad :?: