When you fight?

Rainman

Well-known member
I don't literally mean fighting. I am referring to the fight or flea/flight response, that is when you are in a crisis situation, you either escape it or you stand and fight. In the case of SA or SP, most of us escape those situations that cause us these feelings and confine ourselves to a comfort zone.

I have decided to stay and fight. It is not easy, I feel uncomfortable, I can set myself up for every awkward situations, have probably sabotaged my reputation and its leaving me thinking about it the whole day. I don't try to make it look obvious that I am actually anxious to my peers at work, I end up putting on a facade of confidence. This is what is called "Faking it, till you make it"

The problem is, I think that I am starting to come across as arrogant, patronizing and not nice. I am trying to simulate confidence, and I end up saying and doing things that are not really me and I am creating false impressions of me. I have caught myself doing it(or I just think I am doing it) and I am afraid that I am digging a hole for myself and might turn people against me.

I already know that two of my co-workers don't like me, and I may have inadvertently made a wrong impression on them.

I unconsciously tend to blurt out negative things, share too much information than is necessary and talk too much. I've also noticed that a part of me can actually talk down to people, ignore what they saying, just so that I don't become too soft to them and can maintain their respect for me. Sometimes the opposite, I will allow myself to be talked down too. I tend to smile and laugh a lot, when I don't actually want to laugh and smile. It's as if my face just contorts automatically.

In general I just don't feel like myself with people anymore. It makes me really uncomfortable. Sometimes, I just feel like just leaving or going to another place and starting over. But I want to stay and fight. I've done enough fleaing!
 

Heartbeat

Active member
Onya Rainman... keep up the fight. Maybe you're learning things you would have learnt years and years ago about yourself if you'd had the normal social rough and tumble. Maybe there are things that are not that nice - why not let them out, recognise them. Plenty of people are arrogant and patronising and they wouldn't even know it - you're a step ahead by having insight and caring about it. Its better to have a few evident flaws and not be liked by some people than to hide away.

We are on a learning curve that normal kids get from social interactions when they're about 2 or something. I had no idea my face looked stricken and angry a lot of the time till someone fed that information back to me. I look back a few years and see what an arrogant, uncaring person I could be sometimes.

Self-improvement is a noble exercise but we have to understand what we're improving on.
 

dzerklis

Well-known member
i fight every single day, example going to dinner is extreme for me, there were times when i retreated, but last time was about a month ago, and its getting easier and easier.. easier and easier
 

triceratops

Well-known member
Rainman said:
I don't literally mean fighting. I am referring to the fight or flea/flight response, that is when you are in a crisis situation, you either escape it or you stand and fight. In the case of SA or SP, most of us escape those situations that cause us these feelings and confine ourselves to a comfort zone.

I have decided to stay and fight. It is not easy, I feel uncomfortable, I can set myself up for every awkward situations, have probably sabotaged my reputation and its leaving me thinking about it the whole day. I don't try to make it look obvious that I am actually anxious to my peers at work, I end up putting on a facade of confidence. This is what is called "Faking it, till you make it"

The problem is, I think that I am starting to come across as arrogant, patronizing and not nice. I am trying to simulate confidence, and I end up saying and doing things that are not really me and I am creating false impressions of me. I have caught myself doing it(or I just think I am doing it) and I am afraid that I am digging a hole for myself and might turn people against me.

I already know that two of my co-workers don't like me, and I may have inadvertently made a wrong impression on them.

I unconsciously tend to blurt out negative things, share too much information than is necessary and talk too much. I've also noticed that a part of me can actually talk down to people, ignore what they saying, just so that I don't become too soft to them and can maintain their respect for me. Sometimes the opposite, I will allow myself to be talked down too. I tend to smile and laugh a lot, when I don't actually want to laugh and smile. It's as if my face just contorts automatically.

In general I just don't feel like myself with people anymore. It makes me really uncomfortable. Sometimes, I just feel like just leaving or going to another place and starting over. But I want to stay and fight. I've done enough fleaing!

Yeah I sort of have the same problem ive learnt over the years to use a fake confidence which i tend to use a lot now and I think I also come off as arrogant sometimes.

Well its either shy or arrogrant...
 

Rainman

Well-known member
Well its either shy or arrogrant...

Yes, I think that is what it comes down to. There is indeed a fine line between true confidence and arrogance.


Heartbeat, thanks for yet again, excellent and sound advice. I am treating this as a learning experience, but I think sometimes I forget to listen and just allow my ego to get in the way. I am catching myself doing it now and am trying to rectify that behaviour.

I tend to break all of the social norms in conversation. I can say or ask some of the most taboo things or silly things. But as you said, we are just learning social skills that others have learnt long ago. It is important to make mistakes as a part of the learning process.

As long as I have my voice of conscience, and my senses about me, I will know whem I am doing wrong. Then, I only need to figure out how to break those habits and do more right. I have it figured out on a mental level, it's only bringing that out on the physical level now.
 

Rainman

Well-known member
I was going to post a separate thread on this, but decided I'll just include it in this, as these are some of the questions I am starting to ask myself as I start to fight. As you know, starting work, is my fight.


There are some co-workers, I don't get on with. They don't talk to me, roll their eyes at me often, and when they do talk to me, they talk down to me(even though I am older) but these episodes are always very brief and few and far in between and I often just absorb their attacks.

I don't want to make an issue of it. They are not insulting me or anything, they are simply puting me down with their body language and voice e.g. "Weren't you listening" or ask me how am I doing today - while not even looking at me and in a manner that sounds completely disinterested.

I am not sure how to react to it?

Sometimes, they will actually jump into one of my conversations with another person, or non verbally gives messages to others in the group while I am talking, again designed to put me down. If they could vocalise it, it would sound like "What a freak, don't listen to him"


I have another issue with a co-worker I do like, and she's talks to me sometimes and we've had good conversations before. That is why it hurts more, when she of all people, laughs at me and makes jokes about me with others in front of people. I am not sure if it is teasing, or if she is actually patronizing me. I could be talking to someone and having a conversation and she would come along and say something like "Is he bothering you?" but in a manner that sounds like she is joking, but I also get the impression that there is something less pleasent.

She makes a lot of faces, when I am talking, as if everything I am saying is odd.

I am not sure whether I should consider her a friend or not. She sometimes comes over and talks to me, and is all nice and sweet, but most of the times she talking with others and she barely makes an effort to talk to me. It also seems she only talks to me, when others have got something else to do.

I am being made to feel weird and odd by a few of my co-workers. It's almost as if everything I say is odd and dismissable. I think part of this is to do with all those subtle jokes at my expense and my inability to respond. Sometimes it seems like they are getting a kick out of seeing me struggle or be embarrased. If anything goes wrong, they feel it is okay to blame me.

How do you respond to this? I really don't know how.
 
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