Wanting and pretending

I posted this on the wanting thread but I wanted to make it it's own thread becuase I'm really interested to hear everybody's answers.

Say you're not motivated to change. You're in a rut, and no matter how much you try and pump yourself up about the changes you have to make, you always end up back in the same spot. You feel like you really do want the life you envision for yourself SO badly! But you are not encouraged to do what it takes right now. You feel worn out of trying even though you haven't really consistently tried with gusto because the gusto is not there/.

Now say that you realize that if you're not motivated to do it, and you've tried for years to do it, maybe you don't want it as much as you want your comfort zone, your hiding place.

So now that you're at this point, which one will help you more in your opinion?
1. Keep trying to make yourself want to change. Pretend that the life that you're living you didn't choose and you don't want. Pretend that you want a better life.
2. Admit to yourself "Maybe I don't want this as much as I want what I have". Realize that what you have in your life is filling a role that must be more important.



I realize there are two ways that especially the 2nd option can go, but i'd like to hear other people's thoughts on these two directions

Definitley No. 1.

No.2 suggests that someone would want to keep living their life with SA. I find it difficult to believe that anyone would honestly want to stay living a life with SA controlling and limiting it.

BlueDays said:

Definitley No. 1.

No.2 suggests that someone would want to keep living their life with SA. I find it difficult to believe that anyone would honestly want to stay living a life with SA controlling and limiting it.

Click to expand...

Hmm. I suppose so. I think the word I was looking for is surrendering to trying to control the situation. Not giving up

I think there is a good balance to be found between fighting it and accepting it as part of your life. That's what I'm aiming to get.

EscapeArtist said:

Hmm. I suppose so. I think the word I was looking for is surrendering to trying to control the situation. Not giving up

Click to expand...

Ah, well yes surrendering to the pressure of constantly trying to "improve" yourself and fight against the SA can have it's benefits, as opposed to just giving up and being happy to live with the SA.
Living under the expectation that you are obliged to always being taking action and working against the SA can be very tiring and frustrating.
I think in some cases we have learn to finally accept what we are not able to change, however this does not mean to admit to defeat and enjoy playing the victim.

EscapeArtist said:

So now that you're at this point, which one will help you more in your opinion?
1. Keep trying to make yourself want to change. Pretend that the life that you're living you didn't choose and you don't want. Pretend that you want a better life.
2. Admit to yourself "Maybe I don't want this as much as I want what I have". Realize that what you have in your life is filling a role that must be more important.

Click to expand...

I think everyone wants their comfort zone at the moment.By definition, it's comfortable, why leave if you don't have too? The thing about SAD, or anything in life, is you don't have to change, it's not a necessity to life. And that comfort zone is comfortable, no risks in there, it's safe and, at least in my case, boring and unfulfilling.

Honestly, I think the best choice is #1. Maybe change what you're trying to change, how you want to go about changing it. You may keep getting bounced back to the start, and it is because you want it. But it's not what you'd be most satisfied with.

Most people I think choose the 2nd option, maybe unfortunately. During a psyche class last year we were talking about SAD, and the teacher said "93% of people with Social Phobia do not seek treatment." And she sort of made it sound very..ridiculous. "these people have these problems and just choice to live with it," sort of insinuating giving up or settling for a lesser life. She's not wrong for thinking that, while SAD is still not easily cured in therapy and it's astounding to think 93% don't even seek help, even if you don't count the ones who look for it elsewhere it is still a large number.

I think she's right, even as a person looking from the outside in she's right that we shouldn't just settle. We all know the symptoms and what kind of life we can lead, and settling for that isn't what we should settle for. If you're content with your comfort zone, and don't think there's anything wrong with the way you're living, I say pick two. But if it isn't and, even if it's in theory, you feel like you're settling for less then you should be, number one has to be your choice. Even if it's just extending your comfort zone, you don't have to be "cured," this isn't like a biological disease. Finding a way to get what you want out of life is something you should care most about.

You have a good point Vj. A different way than I was seeing it. I think you're also right about going about it a different way being the thing that is needed... Hm! You have expanded my insight, thanks!


I think I was seeing option 2 as more like.. a spiritual thing, not giving up, but realizing that you are safe right now, you are fine right now, because you chose this life and in some way you are enjoying it. Kind of like I said with surrendering, surrendering is not paddling against the current but instead going with it, and trusting that it will lead you in the right direction. I feel like sometimes putting pressure on ourselves can obscure our true desires and turn them into 'shoulds', making us forget why we wanted them, so somehow surrendering and going with the current can put you in the right direction with ease. If you have an inner calm, are not putting force on yourself, then you aren't caught up in a worry cycle of the future and past, your in the moment, you may make your choices more according to your heart, and that could put you in the right direction. But I do see your point too! I think we're talking about the same thing. Maybe it's between 1 and 2

Absolutely_Sweet_Marie said:

I think there is a good balance to be found between fighting it and accepting it as part of your life. That's what I'm aiming to get.

Click to expand...

That's exactly how I feel. It's all about balance, everything in life. I've learnt that I will probably never be cured of SA completely but all I can do is accept that and become aware. Awareness is key