Unable to show affection/have physical contact with a woman

I have been reading so much about Avoident Personality Disorder and Love Shyness and find the two go hand in hand.

I also read that not being able to show affection (physically) and/or receive it from a woman (kissing, touching, full sexual contact) is many times the reason men become so depressed and unable to break down their walls and approach and/or respond to women they find attractive or want to be with.

I find it very sad and in a way remarkable.

I always thought mens sexual urges were so powerful that they could break through any barriers wether it be shyness, anxiety, depression, etc. the more i learn the more amazed i am.

Its got ot be the toughest thing in the world..now i get why when reading all these posts i feel the frustration and sadness in them. I can't even imagine what its like..its got to be unbareable at times.

I am shy myself with a man i am interested in at first, especially if i have to see the person all the time - in some ways it makes it more intense; the glances, the stares, etc. thats when my shyness really comes out.

Unless the guy can approach me and make a move, i become even more shy. But when i have had men approach me, want to date me..have a relationship with me i am able to show him i care mentally, emotionally, physically..once i have gotten to know him and trust him i can be in a loving relationship on all levels.


Now, I still don't get exactly where the anxiety comes from for the man..if there really is in actuallity nothing to fear from the woman physically. I feel physical contact is wonderful with the right person..even just one you are attracted to or getting to know.

Is there such thing as the physical contact being to intense..or the man becoming to sensitive to touching? I ask bcuz i had an experience once when touching a guy (my shy guy at work0 on the knee just to get his attention and HE JUMPED A MILE OUT OF HIS SEAT!!!!!!! You would have thought i grabbed somethung else...lol...it really shocked me how red he turned int he face and how high he jumped. That was last year but the funny thing now is, when i do touch his shoulder or arm when talking (yes i am touching him now) he doesn't get AS anxious..and tends to stay around longer, not so ready run away and hide.

I'd like to hear everyones thoughts on physical contact and how they feel about it and how their anxiety has deprived them from being with a woman they are attracted to..or love.

What is it about touching or being touched by a woman that makes you anxious?

i'm not sure. i remember when i was going through this, the only thing i wanted more than anything was to touch a woman. but the whole idea of doing it scared me so much. it was this overwhelming idea that i would be rejected or scolded or something. plus i had this odd idea in my head that women were supposed to be more innocent and etc, like what business is it of mine, some inferior being, to be touching something as gracious as a woman. Obviously i don't think like that anymore but from my memory that's what i recall.
And it was completely and utterly unbearable. I was so alone. It was so unbearable that I did push myself to meet women. I got to where i am today due to sheer desperation. But the fact that the fear lasted SO long, all the way until my mid 20s. I think it had a lot to do with my confidence and self-esteem. Because when I realized that I deserved the things I wanted was the only time I actually felt like I should even be trying. Before that, i didn't think i had any business touching women or talking to them or anything. It was like watching TV, you could only watch and see but never take part in life.
Also, since i had lived this life where i was never touching women ever, if one were to touch me I would freak out inside. I wouldn't show it but it was incredible to me.

I actuely don't have any experience on this subject, as ive never been with a woman, but its something ive thought about a lot. Trying to place myself in your mans situation, i would guess he's afraid of you, scared of being rejected, doing something wrong or embarrassing. If he really likes you it probably amplifies these feelings even more. It sounds like he's slowly coming around though, so im sure it will be fine once he's gotten used to you.

I have never 'touched' a woman (except at the checkout in a supermarket, lol), and I would say the reasons are;

- fear of rejection
- fear of embarrassing myself, or doing something wrong
- not being able to relax, afraid of coming across as extremely nervous and anxious.

Today at work a lady unexpectedly reached out and touched my neck. I said "WHOOAA!!!" as natural reaction. It just freaks me out because I am not used to contact.

I don't even like standing ten feet from a woman let alone allowing one to touch me. I was drunk one time last year and I was looking at some pictures and this girl leaned on my back and looked over my shoulder to look at the pictures too. I stayed calm, but inside my head I was like "NOOOOOOOOO." That night ended in embarrassment come to think of it... I don't generally drink with anyone by choice anymore.

Yup, I get really nervous around women. I tend to get the shakes, like someone recovering from alcoholism. I get really nervous when women are close to me: I feel really embarrassed that I have such are hard time with them. It takes me quite some time to used to 'em, and if I do, it is because I was never really attracted to them in the first place. I just feel frustrated and melancholy: especially come Valentines Day.

All it is is this:

PERFORMANCE ANXIETY. Simple as that. Performance anxiety can refer to sex, presentation, conversation, pretty much anything. And that's what love-shyness is, it is performance anxiety. Fear of rejection and failure, its what fucks us all over. It is curable though.

It's all a question of comfort.

If the guy is less anxious around you over time, either it be with your presence, you talking to him or slightly touching him...if you feel he is less and less anxious in those situations, it's because he is feeling more and more comfortable around you. Which is a good thing.

Comfort goes with trust.

The more he trusts you, and the more he trusts your interest in him, the more he will feel comfortable.

So with enough (daily in my case) exposure to a woman, a man can overcome this?

I have noticed myself that overtime he has become more comfortable. He still has his moments where he retreats if i show him how i care or let him know i thought something was great, funny, etc. that he did or said but the next day he is back saying hello, hanging around me, watching me, etc. He hangs around me ALOT now, ever snce i baked cookies for him and gave him a really sweet card at Christmas.

I do see the progress with him, i see he is trying. I have never ever been in a situiation like this before but i do like him alot and its been a long time and we are both still "in it" and haven't walked away.

If he wanted he could avoid me, stay away, etc. but he doesn't. Even if he gets nervous or anxious he hides in his office a bit but then comes right out and bcuz he knows my schedule..he comes back around very soon after!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TooShyShy said:

So with enough (daily in my case) exposure to a woman, a man can overcome this?

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Definatly, just give it some time.

I think you attitude is wonderful and i know you will have success in this area (and all areas) of your life, you just need to believe that.

They say if you want it more than you fear it..then you can achieve it.

I feel the same about my shy guy. His anxiety has kept him from making any big moves but he is making moves in his own way, in his own time and i just have to keep remembering these posts and what it really is he is dealing with deep down.

You have shed alot of light on this for me.

Thanks again.

I love to be touched. I love hugging. It's just that i don't get the oppurtunity that often.

Yeah, I love also being touched, hugged and kissed by a girl but I'm also one of them "jumpers". Whenever a girl reaches out for me, whether it's for asking for help or {God forbid} doing something physically to me I freak out, commit a pullback and start to search for a more distant point. I'm not sure why, probably because I think I'll just screw things up and that she'll hate me or see me as inferior to her later. Or that I'll just get depressed by just having one simple hug whereas there's more that I want^^.

Not an easy world we live in.

recluse said:

I love to be touched. I love hugging. It's just that i don't get the oppurtunity that often.

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I hugged a girl 6 years ago!

Is it possible for someone with social anxiety to WANT the attention, affection and sexual contact from a woman they are attracted to but the idea of it is just way to frightening and unreal that he would not even try..its easier to just run and hide from her, rather then ever let her know his true feelings?

I am starting to think i am fighting a losing battle here **sigh** 8O

Being Avoident

Another question...

When a man is becoming avoident and frightened, is it best to give him his space or to keep approaching, talking, showing him i care???

Is this the time to really go in there and and prove to him HE IS WORTHY and won't mess it up and that i am willing to hang in there with him and help??? Or is it better to stay away and wait until a day or so goes by and he can handle my attention again?

I really need to know what is the best approach when they are playing hide and seek wih you?

Eventually he always comes out of this and then i can'r get away from him...lol...but i notice this happens most when we seem to hit a plateau. He seems more open, comfortable, more responsive - for him - will go OUT FO HIS WAY to be around me..then all of a sudden he pulls away and goes back into hiding..but still sontinues to stare and watch me from afar!!!!!!!!!!!

I just need to know what to do when this happens?????

Re: Being Avoident

TooShyShy said:

Another question...

When a man is becoming avoident and frightened, is it best to give him his space or to keep approaching, talking, showing him i care???

Is this the time to really go in there and and prove to him HE IS WORTHY and won't mess it up and that i am willing to hang in there with him and help??? Or is it better to stay away and wait until a day or so goes by and he can handle my attention again?

I really need to know what is the best approach when they are playing hide and seek wih you?

Eventually he always comes out of this and then i can'r get away from him...lol...but i notice this happens most when we seem to hit a plateau. He seems more open, comfortable, more responsive - for him - will go OUT FO HIS WAY to be around me..then all of a sudden he pulls away and goes back into hiding..but still sontinues to stare and watch me from afar!!!!!!!!!!!

I just need to know what to do when this happens?????

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There are always times when i become paranoid and start questioning myself and the people around me, wondering about their motives and thinking negative thoughts like 'i must be bothering them' or 'im not worthy'. Those are usualy the times i push people away and yeah, i guess the best thing you can do is let him know how you feel about him and make him feel secure again. Im not saying you will loose him if you don't but im fairly sure he would appreciate that alot. Maybe he requires some time alone but i think that the longer you let him slip away, the harder it will be getting him to trust you again. Sorry if that didn't make any sense haha.

By the way, i find the whole situation really intresting and the guy you do all this for must be a really lucky guy, i bet most of the guys on this forum would kill to be in his shoes.

Yeah I'm scared of women too I think your right I think it's the idea of rejection that scares us the most. I wanna be hugged alot by women but when it happens I run a mile. It seems to be like some sort of spark or explosion or something else. As soon as I feel a women touchs me even by accident I will move away instantly. It's very depressing as I am nearing to my mid 20's and I have never had a relationship or anything close. 8O I try not to think about it now because as the saying goes nothing last forever

getbornagain said:

All it is is this:

PERFORMANCE ANXIETY. Simple as that. Performance anxiety can refer to sex, presentation, conversation, pretty much anything. And that's what love-shyness is, it is performance anxiety. Fear of rejection and failure, its what fucks us all over. It is curable though.

Click to expand...

I agree with this guy, performance anxiety is what does it for me. It's just a crazy irrational feeling.