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Old 02-07-2016
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I'm trying. Today I washed the dishes (again), updated a few accounts (again), and paid a bill (again). Maintenance, just maintenance.

I used to know a guy who hustled satellite TV hookups (possibly illegal) and blue valium tablets (definitely illegal) at the Waffle House up the road. He was one of the regulars, like me, stopping in for coffee and hot air a couple of times a day. Anytime you asked him how he was doing, he'd say "Oh, I'm maintainin', just maintainin'." Always the same: same van, same TV boxes, same pills, same hustle. Never anything new, never a step ahead. Coffee and maintenance—exactly what I've done today.

I tried to go out tonight. I really did. I started to get ready, thinking it wouldn't be too tough this time, but as I did, the stumbling blocks between me and the outside world started to grow. Before I knew it, they'd grown so high I couldn't see past them anymore. The mental threshold stopped me cold before I ever got near the door.

I knew a therapist once—I used to know a lot of people before I became what I am now—who said that trying only gives us an excuse to fail. Do or do not—the Yoda doctrine. She was right to an extent, but sometimes to try is to do, if that's the best you can do given the circumstances. The effort counts for something, even if failure is the ultimate result.

I won't be going out tonight, for a number of reasons, but because I tried, because I started to go, I'm just a little bit closer to going out the next time. A few little things are done now that weren't before, so they won't slow me down when I'm ready to try again. A few of those stumbling blocks have been chipped away, and that threshold is a little bit smaller than before.

I'll try again Monday. Maybe try, maybe do. I'll have to see what happens then. Tomorrow I'll do something else. It may be more maintenance, treading water for the millionth day in a row, or it may be something new, a bold stroke toward the horizon. I'll have to see about that, too.
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Last edited by GraybeardGhost; 02-07-2016 at 03:12 AM.
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Old 02-07-2016
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OK.
I'm going to set the bar high today. Today I plan to;

Paint the 2nd coat in the spare room.
Write up a new CV/Resume.
Clean up the tree branches in the backyard from the storm the other night.

Wonder if I'll get 1,2 or 3 of those things done.. or none at all xD
Ok. I had an productive Saturday.
I did paint the 2nd coat in the spare room. I now see it will need a 3rd.
I cleaned up the branches.
I found a template online for a new resume, although I'm still yet to write it.
Plus... I did about 4-5 other jobs that had been waiting to get done.

I felt good about it!
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Old 02-07-2016
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That's adorable and funny-I might have to make a painting from the idea of "Space Goats" like the video game only better!
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Old 02-07-2016
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Ok. I had an productive Saturday.
I did paint the 2nd coat in the spare room. I now see it will need a 3rd.
I cleaned up the branches.
I found a template online for a new resume, although I'm still yet to write it.
Plus... I did about 4-5 other jobs that had been waiting to get done.

I felt good about it!
Are you changing jobs? That's great! What are you looking to do now? I wish you the best of luck with whatever you do
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Old 02-08-2016
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Ill go to the lab Im gonna go Im gonna do it ......and Ill have cake after ...no... chocolate....no ...cake and chocolate.....no... chocolate cake f*** it Ill have a drink
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Old 02-08-2016
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Aren't pallets are the best?... you can do anything with them

I have a pinboard with 100's of pallet ideas I have yet to do.

A couch sounds really cool Great job!

I want to make a fence for my future goats with pallets.
Ahh yes the future goats

I should take a picture of my couch then, for you to see...
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Old 02-09-2016
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Today, I did one thing.

Saturday night, I happened to peek out my front door and found an envelope clipped to it. Inside was a bill from my money-grubbing landlords for a spurious charge I knew very well I didn't owe them. This really cheesed me off (you may have noticed an incandescent rant or two).

They called it "an attempt to collect a debt." How insulting. Aside from my credit card balance, which is negligible, I don't owe anyone on this swirly blue marble a blessed bean. I pay my rent, I pay my bills, I settle my responsibilities in full and on time. I don't run tabs, I don't dine and dash, I don't ask to pay Tuesday for a hamburger today, and I most certainly don't have debts.

These people really know how to push my buttons in their senseless, blundering way. Thank goodness (and kihira ) for the "Post what you cannot say" thread. Without a safe place to blow off steam—prithee pardon my profanity —there's no telling what manner of abuse might have boiled out of me when I called them this morning.

And call them this morning I did, despite my usual frantic phone fear. I was nice, they were nice, and everything worked out fine. Turns out there had been some kind of error—what else is new?—in their accounts. Somehow, I have come to have two accounts (with differing information) with that part of the organization, which is not the same as this part of the organization, even though they're both the same as the other part of the organization, while remaining completely separate and together. Confused? So am I, and believe me, so are they.

At any rate, I called that one and this one—deep breaths, deep breaths—and got the matter settled. I used my Stern Authoritative Voice (everyone ought to have one), and made them call me "Mister."

In the increasingly casual business environment of today, everyone wants to use first names. It seems like once it was just used car salesmen and realtors who did so as a kind of power play to strong-arm the customer, but now it's everybody. I don't mind when it's someone I've known for years like my super-nice bank lady, but when these relative strangers want to call me "Graybeard," I put down my foot.

In the past, I've given my full name when calling, but now it's "This is Mister Ghost in Circle of Hell 7-C. About this bill . . . " Just by asserting that bit of control over my own name—it is mine, isn't it?—I take a measure of control over the whole conversation that I would otherwise not have had. A bit of bluster makes 'em jump. It's not always an easy thing for someone with SA to do, but with practice, it's getting easier, and I like the way it feels.

A problem solved and a little power reclaimed for the powerless. That's one thing I did today.
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Old 02-15-2016
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Another day, another sinkful of dishes—where do they all come from?—a little cooking, a nap, and a sonnet. Altogether, not a complete waste of a day. Could I have done more? Perhaps, but I'm satisfied for now. Someday soon, however, it won't be nearly enough. Someday . . .
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Old 02-27-2016
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I guess I've been slacking off the past several days. I haven't had a lot of sunshine in my mind of late and that's been hacking away at my desire to do much of anything. It's hard to give a crap when you feel like crap. Today, however, I found a little energy and set about organizing my bathroom shelves. It's amazing (at least to me) how much junk can accumulate there—empty bottles, old toothbrushes (still good for cleaning other stuff), deceased hair ties, forsaken parts of I don't know what—things any normal, sane person would have thrown out ages ago. Not abnormal, batshit me, no sir. But it's all neat and tidy now, and I can find what I need when I need it. As Mr. Natural would say,
(which reminds me: the damn dishes are piling up again )

That was this morning. This afternoon, I finally attacked a small mountain of books that had been stacked precariously in my living room for at least a couple of years. All are now neatly shelved (alphabetically by author), the big ones with other big ones, and the little ones happily with their own kind. I still need to go through my entire library and weed out the books that no longer interest me and those with tiny print I'm no longer able to read comfortably—I swear the Typeface Gnomes sneak in at night to reprint my old books while I'm asleep—but that'll be a job for another day. I can't say I'm looking forward to it. Some of these are books I've owned for thirty-five years or more, and it's hard for me to let go of the past that way. Something's gotta go, though. Gotta trim the fat. Gotta make room.
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Old 02-27-2016
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^ good job!

-
This week :
I moved some furniture around...
I bought a plant, a peace lily. It looks nice and supposedly it purifies the air.
I threw out some clothes I haven't worn in more than a year.
I gave away some books that I really don't want to read.
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Old 03-05-2016
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bump.......done.
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Old 03-05-2016
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Today I will do one thing-

Not kill my business partner who is realllly pushing me to the edge...or trying to.

I will be zen-like and have a shield of warm safe light protecting me.
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Old 03-05-2016
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Good job GreybeadGhost for all of your cleaning and organizing! Did you find anything you thought you lost? That is the best.

My life has been so stressful lately I am taking comfort in the activity of housekeeping as a way to relive stress. I am so proud of myself for not doing my usual destructive behavior for stress relief. I think I am really getting to a better place mentally and growing in the last 5-6 months more than I have over the last few yrs. *Pats my own back* LoL
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Old 03-05-2016
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanita View Post
^ good job!

-
This week :
I moved some furniture around...
I bought a plant, a peace lily. It looks nice and supposedly it purifies the air.
I threw out some clothes I haven't worn in more than a year.
I gave away some books that I really don't want to read.
Nice!
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Old 03-06-2016
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Originally Posted by MollyBeGood View Post

My life has been so stressful lately I am taking comfort in the activity of housekeeping as a way to relive stress. I am so proud of myself for not doing my usual destructive behavior for stress relief. I think I am really getting to a better place mentally and growing in the last 5-6 months more than I have over the last few yrs. *Pats my own back* LoL
Awesome... I'm glad to read this....!

I've been using housekeeping as a stress relief for many years... But lately I've become good at making my bed everyday, which I've always been too lazy to do. And I like it, it makes me feel better to have made the bed...
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Old 03-10-2016
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Yesterday:
Threw out jars and bottles....
Washed the floors.
Played guitar for an hour.

Wanted to paint, but couldn't find he strength to face it, the self-criticism that comes up when I paint or do other creeative work.
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