To what degree do other people's expectations of us decide our behavior around them?

I ask this to myself because there's some people in my environment who I don't have quite a good relationship with, quite cold actually. This may have emerged from the fact that I've been introverted, a bit a-social, shy, not talkative before and this impression has kind of lasted ever since. Like, they don't bother and neither do I because I am scared to be flatout rejected in my efforts to be more friendly. This actually happened sometimes, that my friendly greeting was met with a rude disinterest that they don't display with other people. I guess it's their problem then, but still it hurts me.

I wonder wether they would accept me being a more confident, outspoken person and wether that relationship could transform into something a little more jovial, not necessarily friendly, but you know.

But I feel somehow subconciously I will always act the same around them because they already have a clearcut vision of who I am (or so I feel) and so I keep acting according to what went on previously. Like a sort of roleplaying.

I want to break out of old behavior patterns, but this sort of thing makes it difficult for me. Sometimes I wish I could move or something so that I don't have to face the people daily who know the "old me". Make a fresh start.

First impression is always very important. Once someone has seen you behave a certain way for a long time, and you try to change, they might think you are putting on an act or being fake, that is why I always behave a certain way infront of my relatives and family even though my personality is always changing.

hello gustavring,

peoples expectations defenetly affect my behavior/emotions/SA. For example my mothers boyfriend is a very successful psychologist, is super intelligent, earns very much money, even gives seminars with up to 130 people sometimes about what he does. and i feel very inferior when i see him, he doesn't live with us(my mother and me) but I always suffer very much when he comes because i can't talk with him, he is just on another level. i know he doesn't dislike me, but I'm not able to make a conversation with him in which we both are interested in.
another experience i have is about my last 4 school years in high school. every time the teacher asked me something i would answer "i don't know" because of 2 reasons:
1. i was scared to anser awkwardly and everyone would lough.
2. now this is related to your post/question. BECAUSE THEY KNEW I NEVER KNEW ANYTHING, IT WOULD BE WEIRD IF I KNEW SOMETHING, so that was another reason.
the worst thing was when i had to give an opinion about a subject, or were self thinking was involved, it got so bad that for my last(most important) high school years that i never did my homework!!!! because of this!!!.

interesting that you guys can read minds and KNOW what other people are thinking and what their reactions will be

is it really their expectations, or is it your expectations?

coyote said:

interesting that you guys can read minds and KNOW what other people are thinking and what their reactions will be

is it really their expectations, or is it your expectations?

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hehe, i know they are irrational thoughts of me, but still is able to take over.

Coyote, you're absolutely right. I know fully that it is mostly my own mind that creates these "people's expectations". I also know fully well that people can change their mind about you and that nothing is set in stone.

Heck, people are multi-faceted and sometimes we change for the better. I myself have looked at people differently sometimes after getting to know them better or seeing them change. Often just a small spontaneous moment can change your entire perception of someone. I wish I had more spontanity.

Unfortunately, the tendecy is still there, to step into a social situation, behaving in certain conditioned patterns, predictable safe roles around certain people. The brain that tells me that it has been a certain way, and that it will always be that way. This is a shame, and I wish to break out of it. Especially with people I really feel awkward around and who I wish to get to know better so that we can look each other in the eye. The people with whom I never got beyond that "how are you" and weather talk with for whatever reason.

Ashiene said:

First impression is always very important. Once someone has seen you behave a certain way for a long time, and you try to change, they might think you are putting on an act or being fake, that is why I always behave a certain way infront of my relatives and family even though my personality is always changing.

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Yeah, some people know us too well.

However we shouldn't let other people's expectations determine who we are. Easier said then done, especially with rigid social structures like family.

Gaucho said:

hello gustavring,

peoples expectations defenetly affect my behavior/emotions/SA. For example my mothers boyfriend is a very successful psychologist, is super intelligent, earns very much money, even gives seminars with up to 130 people sometimes about what he does. and i feel very inferior when i see him, he doesn't live with us(my mother and me) but I always suffer very much when he comes because i can't talk with him, he is just on another level. i know he doesn't dislike me, but I'm not able to make a conversation with him in which we both are interested in.
another experience i have is about my last 4 school years in high school. every time the teacher asked me something i would answer "i don't know" because of 2 reasons:
1. i was scared to anser awkwardly and everyone would lough.
2. now this is related to your post/question. BECAUSE THEY KNEW I NEVER KNEW ANYTHING, IT WOULD BE WEIRD IF I KNEW SOMETHING, so that was another reason.
the worst thing was when i had to give an opinion about a subject, or were self thinking was involved, it got so bad that for my last(most important) high school years that i never did my homework!!!! because of this!!!.

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It's a shame you let it get to you like that, I'm guilty of it too. Mostly stems from feeling inferior, or "my life is too boring and depressing and I have nothing to talk about." or "people won't take me seriously" etc.

You mentioned your moms boyfriend is a psychologist. Have you maybe thought about openly talking about your problems to him? Maybe he can understand and it will drop the tension between you two? So that you can have a REAL talk?

gustavofring said:

It's a shame you let it get to you like that, I'm guilty of it too. Mostly stems from feeling inferior, or "my life is too boring and depressing and I have nothing to talk about." or "people won't take me seriously" etc.

You mentioned your moms boyfriend is a psychologist. Have you maybe thought about openly talking about your problems to him? Maybe he can understand and it will drop the tension between you two? So that you can have a REAL talk?

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i thought about it, but he would know my entire life then, and i would feel even less comfortable around him. maybe ill try a normal therapist