Tired of people not answering me

Marc7 · Dec 4, 2016

Well there is this site where you message people, and I try to message people but people don't respond to me a lot. Idk if it is because I might of got hacked or it is my social skills. This also applies to other sites as well except the hacked part. But it is really frustrating to me :kickingmyself: because I have trouble maintaining and starting a conversation online and in person. It making me not want to message new people anymore. But I know I have to learn social skills better but that is frustrating to do to because of my motivation level. What do you guys think about this?

Megaten · Dec 4, 2016

It might be a combination of how you engage people and who youre talking to. Ive noticed you ask a lot of questions to keep things moving along, but really if you wanna keep someone talking all you should have to do is ask one very meaningful question instead of a ton of simple ones. Because if youre talking to the socially anxious and especially introverts youre going to mentally exhaust them. They're going to be thinking in earnest about each question and get overwhelmed. Also you shouldnt pressure yourself to keep a conversation going. If it falls flat then it falls flat. You then either change the subject or move on to another person/conversation. You may not have the same issue with extroverts as they love talking about themselves and seem to hate long silences. I was playing with a friend in a game and he wouldnt stop talking long enough for me to hear the game. I didnt have to ask him a dang thing lol. But hes an extrovert through and through.

Marc7 · Dec 4, 2016

Megaten said:
It might be a combination of how you engage people and who youre talking to. Ive noticed you ask a lot of questions to keep things moving along, but really if you wanna keep someone talking all you should have to do is ask one very meaningful question instead of a ton of simple ones. Because if youre talking to the socially anxious and especially introverts youre going to mentally exhaust them. They're going to be thinking in earnest about each question and get overwhelmed. Also you shouldnt pressure yourself to keep a conversation going. If it falls flat then it falls flat. You then either change the subject or move on to another person/conversation. You may not have the same issue with extroverts as they love talking about themselves and seem to hate long silences. I was playing with a friend in a game and he wouldnt stop talking long enough for me to hear the game. I didnt have to ask him a dang thing lol. But hes an extrovert through and through.

What are some examples of meaningful questions? Also I don't even talk to a person for a long period of time and they just don't message me back and I don't even ask them lots of questions. Also I say sometimes "hey, how are you doing. we have similar interests". And get no response back. Someone told me asking questions is a way to keep the conversation going. Maybe I'm doing it wrong idk. Btw it is a mix of extroverts and introverts who I talk too.

Megaten · Dec 4, 2016

Marc7 said:
What are some examples of meaningful questions? Also I don't even talk to a person for a long period of time and they just don't message me back and I don't even ask them lots of questions. Also I say sometimes "hey, how are you doing. we have similar interests". And get no response back. Someone told me asking questions is a way to keep the conversation going. Maybe I'm doing it wrong idk. Btw it is a mix of extroverts and introverts who I talk too.

Yeah it is a good way to keep things going. I mean a question that actually requires an answer that isnt obvious or you cant look up yourself. Like I once told you that dating in the military was difficult because there were more men than women working with me. So any woman I came across had at least 5 men trying to talk to her. It was a lot of competition. You then asked me something like "what do you mean there were more men than women?" when a better question might have been "how did you deal with all of that?" because I have tons of stories I could tell about all of that craziness that no one has ever bothered to ever ask me.

As for messaging people for the first time, Im not sure what to say about that. Ill get ignored too through messages, even by people that are my friends in real life lol. Either they'll be too busy, dont care, or will look and forget to reply. I think thats why so many in the world are jaded, interacting with people is a pain in the ***.

Fey · Dec 5, 2016

Depending on where you're looking, it might not be very active or users might not stay on the site long.

For some people (me included) it's hard to feel too invested in an online conversation unless there's a lot in common or it's an important subject, like family or art which I strongly value. Some people are happy to talk to anyone while others might not see the value in small talk when they can't even see the person or visit with them in real-life.

Others just aren't good at chatting themselves but might be looking due to loneliness.

Too many questions at once can feel like an interview and can become very difficult to answer, because you have to go through them and try not to ignore the other person's questions. Then your message can become very long.

People who have a lot to say to each other don't need many questions imo. But most websites are not good at introducing people to each other to have meaningful or fun conversations.

Marc7 · Dec 6, 2016

Megaten said:
Yeah it is a good way to keep things going. I mean a question that actually requires an answer that isnt obvious or you cant look up yourself. Like I once told you that dating in the military was difficult because there were more men than women working with me. So any woman I came across had at least 5 men trying to talk to her. It was a lot of competition. You then asked me something like "what do you mean there were more men than women?" when a better question might have been "how did you deal with all of that?" because I have tons of stories I could tell about all of that craziness that no one has ever bothered to ever ask me.

As for messaging people for the first time, Im not sure what to say about that. Ill get ignored too through messages, even by people that are my friends in real life lol. Either they'll be too busy, dont care, or will look and forget to reply. I think thats why so many in the world are jaded, interacting with people is a pain in the ***.

What are some more examples of a question that is not obvious or you can't look up? I know you gave me one already.

But getting ignored or people not messaging me back still hurts a lot when your young and trying to make friends. Also it hurts because you speak with them and everything seems to be going good, and then bam they don't talk to you ever again. Maybe it just my social skills, I got hacked, they deleted my message by accident, didn't respond yet, or forgot to respond:idontknow:. But don't your friends eventually message you back?

Can we talk?

Marc7 · Dec 6, 2016

Fey said:
Depending on where you're looking, it might not be very active or users might not stay on the site long.

For some people (me included) it's hard to feel too invested in an online conversation unless there's a lot in common or it's an important subject, like family or art which I strongly value. Some people are happy to talk to anyone while others might not see the value in small talk when they can't even see the person or visit with them in real-life.

Others just aren't good at chatting themselves but might be looking due to loneliness.

Too many questions at once can feel like an interview and can become very difficult to answer, because you have to go through them and try not to ignore the other person's questions. Then your message can become very long.

People who have a lot to say to each other don't need many questions imo. But most websites are not good at introducing people to each other to have meaningful or fun conversations.

You can see if they are online or not.

For me I try to talk to people who are like me. But sometimes that doesn't go well.

What do you mean by "Too many questions at once can feel like an interview and can become very difficult to answer, because you have to go through them and try not to ignore the other person's questions. Then your message can become very long".

But I don't have good social skills so it is hard not to ask questions. Yea I am noticing that it's very hard online to make friends or have conversations.

Sacrament · Dec 6, 2016

You have to allow the conversation to flow naturally, instead of bombarding people with questions. If you think you have something in common with someone (let's say you're on a message board and you notice someone who similar tastes), it's okay to start a conversation and take it one question at a time, but don't make the entire conversation about questions. If you ask someone if they like a certain TV show and they say yes, don't skip to the next question, talk about your favorite moments from that TV show.

This is just an example of how a normal conversation goes.

Megaten · Dec 6, 2016

Marc7 said:
What are some more examples of a question that is not obvious or you can't look up? I know you gave me one already.

But getting ignored or people not messaging me back still hurts a lot when your young and trying to make friends. Also it hurts because you speak with them and everything seems to be going good, and then bam they don't talk to you ever again. Maybe it just my social skills, I got hacked, they deleted my message by accident, didn't respond yet, or forgot to respond:idontknow:. But don't your friends eventually message you back?

Can we talk?

To be honest I really cant think of a good example right now. But Sacrament made a good point. These things take practice too. A lot of people with social phobia dont get a lot of practice so its kinda expected if you dont fully understand the ins and outs of conversation. I dont fully get it myself and would prefer to not talk a lot when with people.

They usually only get back to me if I bother them about it lol. Im not even joking. I started to spiral into depression at one point because I thought my friends wanted nothing to do with me, but in actuality they just have their own lives and unfortunately Im not their top priority. Even if i message my girlfriend, if she doesnt reply right that instant, she'll totally forget about it and not message me back until she starts wondering why Im so quiet. So Ive had to start getting a thicker skin to deal with that craziness.

You mean like in active chat? That would be bad for me right now because Im studying for final exams (fun times).

Marc7 · Dec 7, 2016

Sacrament said:
You have to allow the conversation to flow naturally, instead of bombarding people with questions. If you think you have something in common with someone (let's say you're on a message board and you notice someone who similar tastes), it's okay to start a conversation and take it one question at a time, but don't make the entire conversation about questions. If you ask someone if they like a certain TV show and they say yes, don't skip to the next question, talk about your favorite moments from that TV show.

This is just an example of how a normal conversation goes.

What if there is nothing to talk about anymore? Do I ask them a new question? Well I don't know how to keep a conversation going so I ask questions. So just give my opinion instead?

Thanks for the advice btw.

Marc7 · Dec 7, 2016

Megaten said:
To be honest I really cant think of a good example right now. But Sacrament made a good point. These things take practice too. A lot of people with social phobia dont get a lot of practice so its kinda expected if you dont fully understand the ins and outs of conversation. I dont fully get it myself and would prefer to not talk a lot when with people.

They usually only get back to me if I bother them about it lol. Im not even joking. I started to spiral into depression at one point because I thought my friends wanted nothing to do with me, but in actuality they just have their own lives and unfortunately Im not their top priority. Even if i message my girlfriend, if she doesnt reply right that instant, she'll totally forget about it and not message me back until she starts wondering why Im so quiet. So Ive had to start getting a thicker skin to deal with that craziness.

You mean like in active chat? That would be bad for me right now because Im studying for final exams (fun times).

Yea I don't know the in and outs of conversations so I'm learning as I go along unfortunately. Me too I only talk when I'm very interested in something but even then it not a long conversation to create a friendship irl.

So I should get thicker skin for people who don't message me back? Sometimes I don't have bad social skills.

What is active chat? I'm talking about private messaging. Yea fun times lol.

Megaten · Dec 7, 2016

Marc7 said:
Yea I don't know the in and outs of conversations so I'm learning as I go along unfortunately. Me too I only talk when I'm very interested in something but even then it not a long conversation to create a friendship irl.

So I should get thicker skin for people who don't message me back? Sometimes I don't have bad social skills.

What is active chat? I'm talking about private messaging. Yea fun times lol.

Well if its upsetting you then for your own sanity I would say yes. Not because I feel you shouldnt be hurt by that but simply because you gotta look after yourself. For example Im trying to learn not to get too upset if my classmates laugh at me about things because Im getting too old to be upset all the time.

I see what problem youre talking about, running out of things to talk about. Thats kinda tricky online in my opinion. I know if you were hanging out in real life, either new things would pop up because of what y'all are doing, or you'd call it a day and go home.

Oh i thought you meant the chat pane at the bottom. Yeah sure you can message me.

Sacrament · Dec 8, 2016

Marc7 said:
What if there is nothing to talk about anymore? Do I ask them a new question? Well I don't know how to keep a conversation going so I ask questions. So just give my opinion instead?

Thanks for the advice btw.

I think there will always be something to talk about if both people are interested in having the conversation to begin with, even if they just talk about trivial things. Obviously if you make the whole conversation about questions, you'll eventually have no more questions to ask. If you develop as much as you can when talking about certain topics, questions within questions will arise (or conversations within conversations).

But if you genuinely feel as though the other person is not that interested in the conversation, it's best to move on than to stress about it. Having actual experience helps (face to face contact). Volunteer work is a good option for that.

Fey · Dec 8, 2016

Marc7 said:
You can see if they are online or not.

For me I try to talk to people who are like me. But sometimes that doesn't go well.

What do you mean by "Too many questions at once can feel like an interview and can become very difficult to answer, because you have to go through them and try not to ignore the other person's questions. Then your message can become very long".

But I don't have good social skills so it is hard not to ask questions. Yea I am noticing that it's very hard online to make friends or have conversations.

Just that if someone asks too many questions in a row it's hard to answer. Like if they ask your favorite book, then your favorite TV show, then your most embarrassing childhood memory and your first pet... it gets difficult to keep track of.

I'm not too good at making online friends myself. I can be chatty when I'm behind a screen so I tend to bond with others when we have something to do together, but I find that people can be very judgmental as well, especially towards women.

Marc7 · Dec 10, 2016

Megaten said:
Well if its upsetting you then for your own sanity I would say yes. Not because I feel you shouldnt be hurt by that but simply because you gotta look after yourself. For example Im trying to learn not to get too upset if my classmates laugh at me about things because Im getting too old to be upset all the time.

I see what problem youre talking about, running out of things to talk about. Thats kinda tricky online in my opinion. I know if you were hanging out in real life, either new things would pop up because of what y'all are doing, or you'd call it a day and go home.

Oh i thought you meant the chat pane at the bottom. Yeah sure you can message me.

Idk about my sanity but I get upset. But I hardly have any friends so it is hard to get thicker skin. How do you I get thicker skin?

I guess I should research on how to maintain social conversations.

Okay I will message you.

Marc7 · Dec 10, 2016

Sacrament said:
I think there will always be something to talk about if both people are interested in having the conversation to begin with, even if they just talk about trivial things. Obviously if you make the whole conversation about questions, you'll eventually have no more questions to ask. If you develop as much as you can when talking about certain topics, questions within questions will arise (or conversations within conversations).

But if you genuinely feel as though the other person is not that interested in the conversation, it's best to move on than to stress about it. Having actual experience helps (face to face contact). Volunteer work is a good option for that.

How do I develop as much as I can when talking about certain topics without asking questions?

Some people I have a conversation with everything is going good and they still don't respond back. So maybe I been hacked because the site said I might of been hacked. But one person responds consistently though fortunately so idk.

I don't get out much besides certain places.

Marc7 · Dec 10, 2016

Fey said:
Just that if someone asks too many questions in a row it's hard to answer. Like if they ask your favorite book, then your favorite TV show, then your most embarrassing childhood memory and your first pet... it gets difficult to keep track of.

I'm not too good at making online friends myself. I can be chatty when I'm behind a screen so I tend to bond with others when we have something to do together, but I find that people can be very judgmental as well, especially towards women.

Oh okay, I'll try not to ask to much questions. Thank you.

What do you mean by "I can be chatty behind the screen so I tend to bond with others when we have something to do together"? Are you a woman? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.

Megaten · Dec 10, 2016

Marc7 said:
But I hardly have any friends so it is hard to get thicker skin. How do you I get thicker skin?

Its probably going to be different for each person, but for me its been by working on myself and giving myself reasons to be more confident. Some people hit the gym and work on their appearance, some go to school and work towards a degree some throw themselves into a form of expression they can share like art or something. To be honest that seems to be what most people do. And its hard to take insult/rejection/embarrassment when you already feel bad about yourself.

Taking people and interactions into perspective can help too. One thing I try to remind myself is that there are over 7 billion people on Earth. I could sit and have a conversation with a new person every day for my entire life and still not meet everyone. So if I embarrass myself or get blown off by someone theres tons more. Human beings are not rare here

Also remembering that everyone has things going on that is making life challenging and will probably totally forget about me unless I make it a point to remind them. So if someone says Im a loser one day, Ill more than likely be out of their mind by next week. So its a waste of energy for me to also hold that in my mind. For example, Ive had times where I thought I had a bad interaction with someone at school, stressed about it all week, then worked up the courage to apologize, only to give me a startled look and say "Umm...what are you talking about?".

Megaten · Dec 15, 2016

Hey Marc7, I just saw this and thought you might find it useful since you were asking about these very things.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vU-ibdHkz4Y

Marc7 · Dec 16, 2016

Megaten said:
Its probably going to be different for each person, but for me its been by working on myself and giving myself reasons to be more confident. Some people hit the gym and work on their appearance, some go to school and work towards a degree some throw themselves into a form of expression they can share like art or something. To be honest that seems to be what most people do. And its hard to take insult/rejection/embarrassment when you already feel bad about yourself.

Taking people and interactions into perspective can help too. One thing I try to remind myself is that there are over 7 billion people on Earth. I could sit and have a conversation with a new person every day for my entire life and still not meet everyone. So if I embarrass myself or get blown off by someone theres tons more. Human beings are not rare here

Also remembering that everyone has things going on that is making life challenging and will probably totally forget about me unless I make it a point to remind them. So if someone says Im a loser one day, Ill more than likely be out of their mind by next week. So its a waste of energy for me to also hold that in my mind. For example, Ive had times where I thought I had a bad interaction with someone at school, stressed about it all week, then worked up the courage to apologize, only to give me a startled look and say "Umm...what are you talking about?".

I don't have the motivation to work on myself and thicken my skin but I been working on myself a little bit I guess.

True.

I understand people have lives but these people usually respond quickly and I can see if they saw my message or not.

Tired of people not answering me

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