Why I hate myself

Kathryn

Well-known member
I know that some of you might tell me to start a diary, but I think that I should definately tell someone about this.
I think about suicide every second of the day. Everything I see is shrouded in darkness; and when I barely look at people in the face, it makes me feel even worse.
I come home to nothing. My father drives me home from school, and when I talk in the car, he almost never talks back. I love my dad(even after finding his porn on my computer)...but everyone in my immediate family is cold and boring. As a result, I have become as lifeless and boring as they are....and.sometimes my mind turns to mush from the strain/
I do the same thing every day: I hesitate to do work it class, because I can sense all the eyes in the room watching me. When I go home, I study my ass off, go for a depressing bike ride and then release my pain in the internet and a hot shower.
My parents act like I barely exist. Besides saying hi and bye to one another, our conversations are as dry as sand. It's no surprise why my sister started doing drugs.
There's literally no love between anyone in this family. We're never spoken to, commended or parented in any way. They have shown no interest in my life: they never ask me how my day was or who I "spoke to".
I've told them of my anxiety, and they sent me to a counselor(it took a lot for me to coax them to do even that), but I still suffer. When I told them of my thoughts on suicide, they shrugged me off and said "you'll be fine," and that was the end of it.
We're all like worms: birthed into the world without any planning or desire for our existence. We're all ****ed up sons of bitches who ignore one another.
So it's no surprise why I hate life, loath every aspect of this family and cringe at the human race.
 

Krista

Well-known member
I wish I had words powerful enough to evoke the emotion I know you must have been feeling when you wrote that. Whatever I say isn't going to mean much unless you'd like it to but things WILL get better, you're always welcome to talk to me if you'd like :) I know a few things on parents who don't care at all.
 

AimeeSP

Well-known member
Aw, i'm really sorry about the things you're going through and the relationship between you and your parents, i can empathize as i'm too like this with my mum at many times, not so much my dad although he does ignore my anxiety problems.

I know that some of you might tell me to start a diary, but I think that I should definately tell someone about this.

This is a good idea, how do you feel about starting a diary? It's good to let our emotions out before we explode and i hope by letting this out it has somewhat helped. And like Krista said, you're welcome to talk to us. :)
 

DarkSeeker

Well-known member
You poor little orphan... I'm an orphan too. My female maker is a crazy molesting bitch and my male maker is a narcissist (in other words a psychopath with empathy for himself). I never had friends, and never even had a real family. I wouldn't call two wackos who continuously emotionally if not sexually abuse you and who deliberately expose you on purpose to other bad people "family". I spent my life alone in a corner watching the world through a tv screen with the idea of a better life being the only thing to keep me from "doing it".

Even though I'm miles away from them now, I'm still all alone. I feel like an unlovable freak, who experienced too much craziness to ever lead a normal life. Just forget about it they. Yeah right, but regardless of how hard you try to forget about it I can guarantee you that it will not forget about you.

So what's going to happen now?
 

spendogz

Well-known member
I hope my words are sensitive enough to add some peace to your life. I know they aren't poetic words like yours. But I feel alot of empathy for you. You must be experiencing alot of pain. Your story is amazing. The best thing I can say is,

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. NONE OF US ARE ALONE. ONLY INSIDE OUR HEADS WE'RE ALONE.

I am here for you, and alot of other people are here for you. You just need to get out of your head (as hard as that may be) and receive some support. My prayers are with you. I was touched by the way you express yourself. You have MAJOR! skills in writing. Maybe you should use it.

One thing I heard and I believe, is that you never run into someone hung up on life and depressed about themself when they're out there spending all their time trying to help other people. If you think about it it's true. We're all depressed and have issues to overcome. Some worse then others. But think of all the other people that are hurting too that need help. They need your help. So keep your head up. Someone out there needs you.

God bless
 

206Raider

Well-known member
Man! I know exactly how you feel, this is me 97% of the time. I felt like I lived and breathed depression due to my SA and I had 100's of friends but feel like I've lost them all and don't communicate with much of them now and I come home to nothing but you know what I realize. Well maybe it's just today, for whatever reason today and yesterday have been great adn the weekend was a downer. But I decided you know what, tell yourself your the best. Even if your not good at anything, say your the best at nothing til you find someting. It sounds weird but don't let anyone bring you down. Were all great at something and we were all born to soar, we just got our feathers plucked a bit but we can still fly, it's just a minor setback. You'll be good I'm sure. Keep your head up!
 

yohannes

Well-known member
There are many reason to hate yourself but also there are many reason to love yourself. Try to find something you love about yourself I am not tring to tell you just concentrate on what you love but do both. Life come with two packages the good and bad. I use to think about all the bad thing about me all the time. I felt like you all the bad things that happen to me the bullying in school and work. Then one day while I was getting ready to bed and thinking about all the bad things that happen to me in life I suddenly realized hey there are some really good things that happen to me in life. I had great family that support me they take care of me they give me shelter and food without asking anything in return. I have a brother that I could hang with when I am bored. What I am telling you is Life comes with the good and bad try to pick from both baskets ok.

Love yourself no matter what your the only one this world has so remember your special.
 
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