Wheres the pleasure/ joy part?

[Whoopdeedoo]

Wheres the love? The pleasure? The joy? In this life
Can I have some of the beautiful things like that in this lifetime
For me ?
Thats what I want to know..

Whats in this for me?
I know it sounds awful ..
I feel like ive been an island ,so alone, so long
Filling the needs of others and getting little in return and now Im empty..
And theres noone around to fill me up and Im going down
And others only concern now is that their needs are not being met
To their standard to which they contribute little..
They lost their pal, wing pilot or sidekick not their FRIEND,
MOM ,sister or daughter.
Where are the people tocatch me when I fall?
When Im down & out?
I raised my son alone...
I spent 10 yrs in a 12 step program and helped people there..
Ive supported 2 friends that had loved ones that committed suicide
Because I felt so lost and alone when a life long friend of mine did that.
Ive supported friends and family through their divorse..
Im so exhausted.
I dont even want to do what I have to do for me
It takes everything inside me to keep up my things to do
Theres nothing left of me to give and how can I share myself and my time with others when Im barely keeping afloat myself
I see life going on around me and I dont feel a part of it
I get invitations to do things and go places but It just feels like work to show up for life because it feels there not much left of me

I hate feeling like this all the time
Accomplishing the few tasks I do daily
Takes it all out of me
I barely eat
I cant get restful sleep
And i always feellike i cant live up to my own standards and ideals
So Im in a constant state of catch up and keep up with daily tasks

I used to be fully functional but I dont feel like that now
And I miss my autopiolot ... The ability I used to have to take initiative
And do without doing or thinking...everything I do now requires effort and thought...Like Im fighting reality and rebelling against survival
Im angrysad disappointed and tired
I ruminate about all I wanted that I didnt get
And ruminate on the dysfunctional relationships I had
I know I need a shift in perspective
I know I need to take some kind of action to change things
But Im sick and tired of being sick and tired
And I know If Ii do what I always did
I will get what i always got
Ive pushed people out cause I feel like theres nothing left of me to give
I am tapped out
How do I stop feeling this way?
What do I have to do to stop this empty feeling from always resurfacing?
The dog needs a bath
The laundrys piling up
The plants need watering
The car needs repair
Theres dr appts to go to
The house needs cleaning
The food needs cooking
I need a shower
I gotta eat
A friend wants me to go to an art fair
Its a beautiful day out
I wish I could enjoy It
& here it sit
Overwhelmed and empty
I should go meet my friend
But whose going to do all this stuff around here
How can I enjoy a day out with her with all this stuff to be done around here
I can no longer feel balanced
Like ever
What can I do?????

 

[Feathers]

((hugz))

Sounds like you've got a lot on your plate. And sounds like depression, a bit - or just tiredness?

Can your kid (or anyone else you might live with) give the dog a bath or do some other stuff from the list? Sometimes it's easier and 'better' to do it alone, it may be important to learn delegating though, and give others the valuable experience of accomplishment too. (Maybe you need to do it with them a few times, then they can do it on their own. Even kids can wash laundry, if it's not too complicated.)

Maybe have your thyroid checked out? How's your nutrition? Maybe lacking B vitamins or other vitamins/minerals? Have you tried fish oil?

You've done a lot for other people, and maybe they just got accustomed to it. Maybe it's time to start checking who'll listen to you and such too? (I have some friends who listen to me too, and some who almost only lament, so I know the difference) Have you tried reaching out to some? Can you get therapy?

Take care & ((hugz))

 

[Feathers]

Also, I want to congratulate you on raising your son and going through a 12 step program & helping people!
It's not easy and I admire you for it!

I like helping people too, but sometimes it's just 'too much' and one has to 'unplug' a little. Which are activities that could 'recharge' you or bring you joy? For me, it's going for a walk at least once a day.
Someone we know also cured her depression with walks - her daughter dragged her a little bit farther each day! So I highly recommend that.

Being behind computer for more than 4 or 5 hours can actually cause depression, so beware that (although it's tempting, I know!) There was a study in Japan.
Sugar or such can cause depression too. Books are written about this.

Can't really think of more cause it's too hot in here Weather can have some influence too, at least on me...

 

[Whoopdeedoo]

Yeah thx and thx
My sons off to college in manhattan next year!!!
Woo who
Now what?
I wanna do a roadtrip across the US!!!!
But not ALONE & my life is not my own yet not really
He still needs me & ive been training him to help
But thats work too.....i spoiled him a bit...for reasons to painful to explain
Boundries---- limits-- ugh.....work work work

My friends @ a jazz @ arts festival screaming@ me now
To drop everything and come
Shes right ... All thechoirs will still be there wheni get back
I have to get ready!!!

 

[Feathers]

Art festival & jazz sounds fun - enjoy it! (And eat first! So you can enjoy it!!)

Have fun!!
(And even if you don't at least you'll 'get out there' and you might meet someone (who'll help you with the chores or go on a roadtrip with you - dang, that sounds fun too!!))

 

[Diend]

Sleep at 10pm. Eat better. Exercise.

 

[Whoopdeedoo]

Im not usually this down and unmotivatedthis time of year
Its frightening
I declined 3 invitations to go out today
A tattoo show
A wine tasting
and an arts & jazz street festival

Icant eat
Cant sleep
Im always tired and dragging myself around forcing myself to do things
I dont want to do
It feels like hell on earth to me cause I dont want to feel this way
Now im avoiding others cause i dont even want to be around me

Seeing doc on monday
Hopefully this breaks soon
The weathers too beautiful
And lifes too short

Ugh my friends torturing me
Cause i didnt show up
This is awful

 

[Feathers]

Hope the doctor's appointment goes well - how did it go? did he send your blood to be tested for thyroid or other problems?

Stay away from caffeine and such!

((Hugz))