What's your relationship with your family like?
- Thread starter FriendlyShadow
- Start date
Living at home past a certain age is really tough on everyone I think. When you move out and start "becoming an adult" all of your relationships become better. I don't mean that as a putdown. I have probably not experienced your experiences and vice versa, but I am finding this more and more to be the truth in my own life.
Historically, my familial relationships have really suffered. My teens and all throughout my twenties were incredibly painful, full of blame, guilt, anger, and regret. My relationships are much better today and continue to get better.
Historically, my familial relationships have really suffered. My teens and all throughout my twenties were incredibly painful, full of blame, guilt, anger, and regret. My relationships are much better today and continue to get better.
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This is quite similar to my experience, in my childhood/teens/early twenties the relationships were toxic and volatile a lot of the time, especially with my mother. Moving out made things easier for sure.
I think in part because I was maturing a lot by then. but also because I could leave or stay away from her for as long as I needed. It doesnt change our past and I definitely still hold a lot of anger and resentment towards her, as well as certain other family members. But it got to a point of if I cut my mother out of my life, I had to lose everyone on that side of the family. So I kept them all in my life but now its on my terms, and I've made it very clear wont stand for the treatment I used to get, the second anyone starts at me or raises a hand to me again, Im either ready to defend myself or Im out of there. After a few rough years of that as the default, we managed to find a better place, the second things start to get problematic I leave or end contact until things are calm again. I dont call my mother by anything like 'mum', but by her actual name so clearly we dont have a great relationship, but comparatively its worlds better.
At the end of the day the relationships are a lot better now, but they arent great. But I can live with how they are, mainly because when things get particularly toxic I can mostly escape now, and I stay away until things are better.
I think in part because I was maturing a lot by then. but also because I could leave or stay away from her for as long as I needed. It doesnt change our past and I definitely still hold a lot of anger and resentment towards her, as well as certain other family members. But it got to a point of if I cut my mother out of my life, I had to lose everyone on that side of the family. So I kept them all in my life but now its on my terms, and I've made it very clear wont stand for the treatment I used to get, the second anyone starts at me or raises a hand to me again, Im either ready to defend myself or Im out of there. After a few rough years of that as the default, we managed to find a better place, the second things start to get problematic I leave or end contact until things are calm again. I dont call my mother by anything like 'mum', but by her actual name so clearly we dont have a great relationship, but comparatively its worlds better.
At the end of the day the relationships are a lot better now, but they arent great. But I can live with how they are, mainly because when things get particularly toxic I can mostly escape now, and I stay away until things are better.
It's not necessarily true for everyone though. My family's pretty complicated actually. I doubt they'll treat me any differently even if I choose to move out. Certain types of people never change. Toxic ones especially. No matter what you do for them, they'll still keep trying to take advantage of you until they've worn you down. But I do respect you views as well.
It could be different with distance, as not having you on hand all the time would make you much less accessible. When I think toxic I think poison, and a lot of a poison thing is going to kill you (wear you down, hurt you, make life worse) but in small doses may not have much of an effect at all. Of course there are a lot of different poisons out there, and some are just not worth having in one's life at all.
I think it depends, sometimes when the amount of time together is decreased a lot everyone involved focuses on the good, the positive, and are otherwise on their best behavior. Some people revert back to bad habits and behaviors and its like nothing has changed. Or even a perception of behavior change. When you know you are only dealing with certain behaviors for a set amount of time its easier to accept them in a short amount of time. It's like racist grandparents, if you only see them on the holidays its easier to overlook that and just focus on the delicious cookies and stories about the war. If you see them every day, it'll make you miserable and not want to be near them.
I think it depends, sometimes when the amount of time together is decreased a lot everyone involved focuses on the good, the positive, and are otherwise on their best behavior. Some people revert back to bad habits and behaviors and its like nothing has changed. Or even a perception of behavior change. When you know you are only dealing with certain behaviors for a set amount of time its easier to accept them in a short amount of time. It's like racist grandparents, if you only see them on the holidays its easier to overlook that and just focus on the delicious cookies and stories about the war. If you see them every day, it'll make you miserable and not want to be near them.
Some people still have crappy relationships with their parents after they've moved out. Not everyone gets lucky though. There's people in this world who you're never gonna emotionally connect with.
If you feel that there's someone in your life who's toxic and brings you down for their own pleasure then it would make sense to get out of that environment. Or at least minimize any contact with that person. It's just unhealthy.
If you feel that there's someone in your life who's toxic and brings you down for their own pleasure then it would make sense to get out of that environment. Or at least minimize any contact with that person. It's just unhealthy.
I agree. I guess the one thing I'd say is that moving out changes you a little I think, and that has an effect on relationships. Sometimes it makes relationships with people better, and other times it makes them worse. Relationships with toxic people are likely to be crappy whether you live with them or not. Staying away or minimizing that is healthy, I agree.
My own relationship with my family, which I didn't really detail in my first post although it being the main topic of the thread, is probably best described as distant. It's not "bad" or anything, I'm just not particularly close with anyone in general, including my family.
My own relationship with my family, which I didn't really detail in my first post although it being the main topic of the thread, is probably best described as distant. It's not "bad" or anything, I'm just not particularly close with anyone in general, including my family.
I've been wondering about that lately. Some time ago, I moved thousands of miles away to an island. When I moved, everybody was excited, telling me how they couldn't wait to visit. Well, years passed and they never did. I got a lot of, "One of these days we're going to make it out there to visit you" promises but nothing which was okay. Then, eventually, the promises to come visit me turned into questions of why I haven't come to visit them, then to subtle criticisms reminding me how long it's been since I came back 'home'. I guess they forgot all about the promises to visit me and now I was at fault. Anyway, about a year and a half ago, I went back home to visit and I thought the reception was somewhat chilly (this could be my imagination), as if they were a little angry that I'd taken so long to go back. Mind you, not one of them have ever visited me despite them taking numerous vacations elsewhere. I'm guilty as well since I too have taken vacations to other places instead of visiting them. It's just that I thought by living on a beautiful island, they would really want to come like they said they did in the beginning. So now, I'm kind of not sure what they really think. Maybe they believe I've abandoned them? Could be that I'm overthinking things but with each passing month I feel pressure to go back again. No talk from anyone anymore of coming to see me though.
I respect your views too.
I wonder if the "toxicity" is many times simply a matter of circumstance though.
If you moved out, the circumstances of not living with your family members really can change the dynamic of the relationship. For one thing, you aren't loitering about each other 24/7.
But it's not just merely moving out that changes the relationship. I think it's all the things that moving out indicates--that is, becoming an adult and starting your life outside of the family nest... for the better. I would think your parents would be proud of you, to see you become a self-sustaining person, but maybe I'm being too presumptive here, because I really don't know your situation.
I wonder if the "toxicity" is many times simply a matter of circumstance though.
If you moved out, the circumstances of not living with your family members really can change the dynamic of the relationship. For one thing, you aren't loitering about each other 24/7.
But it's not just merely moving out that changes the relationship. I think it's all the things that moving out indicates--that is, becoming an adult and starting your life outside of the family nest... for the better. I would think your parents would be proud of you, to see you become a self-sustaining person, but maybe I'm being too presumptive here, because I really don't know your situation.
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Yeah, I may have misunderstood a bit. I do agree creating distance between certain people is usually the best thing you can do for yourself and for your health.
I'd like to think of the frog on stove analogy when it comes to toxicity. Over time, the frog doesn't know it's being burned alive until it's too late. I should say controlling/stubborn people are the ones who hard to form relationships with because they only stick with what they know. People who make empty promises, telling you they'll change and they're sorry for what they've done to you, but they keep going back to their old ways pretty quick.
I have one family member who's like this and it's frustrating as hell. I used to try my hardest to force a relationship with her, help taking care of chores around the house, being respectful. Nothing ever satisfied her and she'd mostly point out my flaws. She's very unaffectionate and just downright vicious. I once balled my eyes out to her that I wanted to slit my wrists and she said "yeah me too." All I'm saying is is that if two people are too different to get along then the relationship is likely not gonna sustain for long.
I'd like to think of the frog on stove analogy when it comes to toxicity. Over time, the frog doesn't know it's being burned alive until it's too late. I should say controlling/stubborn people are the ones who hard to form relationships with because they only stick with what they know. People who make empty promises, telling you they'll change and they're sorry for what they've done to you, but they keep going back to their old ways pretty quick.
I have one family member who's like this and it's frustrating as hell. I used to try my hardest to force a relationship with her, help taking care of chores around the house, being respectful. Nothing ever satisfied her and she'd mostly point out my flaws. She's very unaffectionate and just downright vicious. I once balled my eyes out to her that I wanted to slit my wrists and she said "yeah me too." All I'm saying is is that if two people are too different to get along then the relationship is likely not gonna sustain for long.
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As I've told vj288, I agree that moving out of your parents house helps you heal a little from the abuse. However, if you were forced to grow up with a family who did nothing but put you down, dismissed your feelings, and literally made you feel bad about making small mistakes once in a while, then I'd say that child/adult should at least minimize contact with them. They're only causing harm on their adult kid and there's no doubt some parents enjoy being cruel. It's emotional abuse, which unfortunately isn't taken as seriously as other forms of abuse (physical, ect.) I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just saying not all relationships can work with certain people no matter how hard you try. Having distance makes you feel better about yourself, but it's not always an automatic cure for bad relationships. I agree for some people it works for them. I do think there's people who still find it a struggle to connect with their family and I've known some who had to cut ties because the relationship just wasn't healthy.
