It depends on the day and who I am around. If I am talking to someone I know (even my parents) I notice that I feel faint and dizzy, and like I need to sit down, nauseated. Then I realize that I have been holding every muscle in my body tight the whole time I was talking to them. I blush, I fidget, feel awkward. Sometimes I catch myself holding my breath and I wonder if the physical symptoms come from that.
I notice I generally walk around in public with a scowl on my face, I think it is defensive to hold people away.
If I am out and about and having a particularly bad day I feel terrified. People look alien to me on bad days, like a different species. They are as scary to me as ghosts are. Only freakier because they are ghosts who have bodies and I can see them. (I didn't always feel this way, it wasn't until about 3 years ago.)
I feel ugly and like I am being judged, I worry I am doing something wrong, or being a bother to people. Sometimes I just feel like running out of a store for no explainable reason. It just depends on my state of mind, and I notice that my pain level also plays a big role on my anxiety level.
This is why I am most comfortable at home. My family members seem normal to me (not alien) and although the noise the kids make can cause my anxiety to act up, or if they fight, I can usually function okay. As long as everything goes according to plan I am usually okay, but one little thing can throw me into a downward spiral, even an unkind word from someone online, a negative facebook post, or an unexpected phone call from my mom. Anything out of the ordinary sends me spinning. It's a hard way to precariously balance.
