theres a girl at work....

[lonesomeboy]

hi all, new user here. glad i have found this board. I suffer from very bad SP and shyness that has affected throughout my life. its made me very depressed.

my problem is i have developed a really bad crush on a girl that i work with. shes funny, beautiful, outgoing and everything that iam not. it makes me very nervous to talk to her 1-on-1 and I find myself not looking in her eyes. she always says 'hi' to me and everything, but i can tell my SP is driving her away as conversations lead away from me to someone 'normal'. i find it hard finding a topic of conversation to start with, and the talks i have with her are sometimes awkward with pauses and silences because I cant carry the conversation. god iam pathetic. i get so embarrassed. how can i talk when i never go out clubbing or anything, never been overseas on my won, done anything interesting, no hobbies, no friends ??

she has developed a rather close relationship with another guy i work with, and its making me extremely jealous and even more depressed. she does things with this guy on the weekends and they go on breaks together. god it makes me feel like shit. i totally lose my appetite during lunchtime and iam starting to lose weight.

what can i do? i hate my sp and shyness and wish i was dead sometimes. it has made me a complete utter loser. i have no friends no life no ambitions. what can i offer to this girl ? appreciate all ur feedback..sorry for the long post.

 

[Sue]

nothing will happen if you dont if you dont talk to her.
i know it sounds crazy and really hard but i think its something to atleast think about. she seems to like you so i would go slow at start and just keep it laid back. enjoy eachothers company

 

[paul]

What Sue said is right - maybe spend some time just think about something interesting to talk about, and then play out in your head what the conversation might "go" like. This might sound crazy but sometimes I do that when I meet new people, and I try to "eliminate" awkward silences. It actually works (to some extent).

Good luck with that, and I hope the best for you.

 

[veryshy]

Sounds like she hooking up with this other guy. But still you gotta talk, ask her out, just as friends or a date, dont matter, either way be ready for a let down.

Maybe shes gotta friend....

 

[lonesomeboy]

god this shit depresses me. i now realise iam a complete twit when it comes talking to girls iam attracted to. my brain just stops and i cant keep the conversation going.

the chick sat between me and this other guy and rarely did she even turn around to talk to me or even look in my direction. i dont blamer her though, i wouldnt talk to myself as well since iam so boring.
this other guy is just a natural, and can talk about anything and everything making it interesting, he loves being the centre of attention.
god i envy him. all day they where talking and laughing. god i felt like shit. not going to work for the rest of the week. cant take it anymore.

i realise now iam not gonna even try. iam just gonna dissappoint the crap out of myself.

 

[MPS]

Man, I went through the EXACT experience and it's been eating me up for 4 years. In fact, I burst into tears when I read your post. Only differences are that I was at Uni at the time and the other guy was a good friend of mine. To cut a long story short I loved this girl (still do) and I completely missed my opportunity to tell her how I felt. In the end I practically pushed her into the arms of the other guy because I didn't believe anything could happen between us.

It's been a year since I've seen her and it hurts. I deeply regret not telling her how I felt because it's killing me every day. I know it's damn hard, especially with our condition, but you'll hate yourself for not telling her. Honestly. This last year has been mental torture for me and I wouldn't want to wish what I went through and continue to go through, on anyone.

MPS

 

[lonesomeboy]

MPS i feel for u. hope u get better soon..iam scared shitless to reveal my feelings for her. what if she doesnt reciprocate? that would kill me. i take rejection stuff so personally. guess SP does that to you.

 

[wutnow]

that would kill me.

Probably not, but it will clarify what's going on.

You made it sound liike she was really interested in that other guy. If that's the case, you can wait it out, to see where it ends up and then do whatever you think is worth doing at that point. Whatever happens, you can't lose here. Either you find out if she likes you as much as you like her or enough time passes that you yourself lose interest or meet someone else.

The way I see it, you're the one in control 8).

MPS makes a good point about regret, lost oppurtunities and the lingering affects of such. If you let her know how you feel, the uncertainty of the whole thing disappears. That's good, right?

Ask her when you think the time is right.

 

[maria]

Hello

Hello, I just read your post, and if your shy thats normal,not weird. Although Im not a shy person, I used to be so I do understand. If this girl means so much to you then you need to try. If you never try than you will never know. Yea she may not feel the same way I wont color cote it but you need to try. I am a female and very attractive so try talking to me lol. A woman like confident men, and you need to find that someway. Try talking to her, and just ask how she is, if she has any hobbies. Try to sound interested, but not to needy. People are going to have good and bad things they like and dislike about themselves, but sometimes that is just the cards life deals out sometimes. You need to take little steps everyday to learn how to be confident, and outspoken. Not everyone is going to like you but if she doesnt return your feelings there is to many fish in the sea. So if she doesnt then dust yourself off and try again. You need someone that is confident to help you out, and i will help out anyway I can let me know. You seem like a good guy good things come to people that wait, but just dont wait to long. Maria

 

[Boundless]

I understand how you feel,i have the same problems,i have feelings for this girl also but i cant even look her in the eyes im so ashamed to be me,talking is a real problem.Even worse when they ask me about my life >.<

 

[lonesomeboy]

maria - so ur very attractive ? i'll talk to ya!! but ye thanks for the advice. i know i have to be more confident but its hard. so hard especially for ppl with our condition. its not just shyness. its extremely fear of having ppl know ur "deep dark secret" and not letting them close to you for that reason. you push ppl out of the way so u dont feel the shame.

boundless - u doing anything to help ur condition?

 

[maria]

hello

hello, I understand that you have these fears, I also have several fears myself. I am housebound, and been like this most of my life. I have got beter with it though. I do feel that I am attractive but that isnt my problem. Its hard to find someone to understand you when I have this along with panic attacks. I can find guys just the hard part is to understand, and its hard to trust people. There is alot of times when I wont try to talk to a guy because I dont know if they can truely except me or understand what Im going through it, because they never have had panic attacks to understand. Every one has things in there lives that they dont like about themselves and just like that girl you may be surprised she may to. Try to find out little things about her and go from there. You may get beter results. What kind of things do you like to do. Do you have any hobbies? Maria w/b

 

[ginguitar]

Similar Experience

Think very carefully before you blurt out your feelings...
I fell in love with a girl at work, but I kept my feelings bottled, even ignored them to myself at first. A workmate fell in love with her too and took here on a few dates, but she wanted nothing more than freindship, but he continued to pursue her all this past year. I didn't want to say anything and ruin my work relationship with him and I feared rejection. I seemed to be getting more and more signs that she might feel the same way, though suffering SP and Manic Depression, I found it impossible to really know what she felt and it began to mess me up bad. I'd have panic attacks at work and yet another guy became infatuated with her and she seemed to be close to him before pushing him away after a fortnight. She like some other guy for the whole time, who she dated for a couple of weeks, but dumped because he kept on going on about his ex. All this stuff going on has made it worse and in the end, I was having panic attacks at work, because one minute it seemed we had chemistry and our freindship was evolving into something else and then I doubted it all again. I asked her to come out for a drink with me (Just doing this gave me a major panic attack) and I was on a real high when she said yes. As the day came round, she cancelled by text, though her reason might have been genuine. Paranoia set in (it was paranoia that made me ask her out for the drink because she hadn't replied to my text message... I think I crossed the line and she knew I wanted more and maybe that was why she cancelled). The next day I saw her at work, all seemed good with us at first, but I started to question her about her long term plans and it was clear that she wouldn't be coming back to the area after she finished uni (She was a student who worked with us during holidays). The night became one big panic attack and I had to go off to the canteen and sit down. She came out to see how I was and I said I needed to tell her something so we arranged to meet on the saturday. As the night went on, she asked me what I wanted to talk about, as if she already knew and I was sort of forced into just asking her there and then if she felt the same way, which she did not. I left work and handed in my notice. Its been 7 weeks and I had been in communication by text, but she hasn't replied to my last one and I feel suicidal. My love, however one-sided, was extremely deep. As you said, she is everything I am not... Outgoing, confident, bubbly and fun and she did loads to help me conquer my fears. I know someone like that (and beautiful) is never going to want to step doen for someone like me, but to feel for a short space of time that that might happen changed my life. Or it would have changed my life, because for one week I was truly happy and I realised that loneliness was the source of my deppression. I'm moving back to the city in a week, but with my SP, I feel like it was a rash decision and I don't know if I can handle it... Especially getting a job in the city.... What can I do!? Im trained in Graphic Design, but you have to meet clients and stuff!!! And She is my only thought which stops me doing anything. I just wish I could go back and not have said my feelings, because at least then I had her in my life and there was a chance things could have developed. If you need to ask, then you shouldn't, just ask her out for a drink and ease of if she says no or cancells. Things will never change for me in regars to her now, but they might of if I'd still been at work. She leaves in a few weeks now anyway, so I guess I have to start a new life, but Its so hard. She gave me strength and without her I feel so weak.

 

[koyaanisqatsi]

Well.....

I agree with those who say you have to talk to her to get anyplace with her. From what you say, she seems to like you. But you have no idea how much she likes you. She may just be the outgoing, friendly type. I suggest not revealing your feelings towards her at this point...you simply don't know her that well, and she doesn't know you very well. _At most_, you might tell her you find her very attractive and would like to spend some time with her and get to know her better. You need to respect her current relationship, even though you don't really know how strong her feelings are for the other guy.

I also think you want to need to avoid disappointment, but fear that it is too late for that.

Yes. Go ahead and try to talk to her. Find out more about her and let her find out more about you. _Try not_ to have any expectations about where this might lead. I've been in the same situation as you now are more than once, and I allowed myself to fantasize that the girl involved cared about me a lot. In the end, that resulted in a lot of pain for me, because the girl did not like me in the way I had allowed myself to imagine. Yep. I lost weight, was very depressed, couldn't sleep, had a hard time getting my work done.

So, talk to her and find out more about her. At some point, she may or may not signal her availability or lack of availability. I think at some point and with some care on your part, it will become obvious how much and in what way she likes you.

Your post brings back some painful memories. It could all turn out differently ( and very good ) for you, but don't _expect_ it to.

What I've said may sound cruel, but I suspect that, like me, you are very fragile emotionally. You need to protect yourself. That doesn't mean being cold, but avoiding fantasizing about her and finding out slowly whether she might have any feelings for you.

Good luck,
koyaanisqatsi

 

[lonesomeboy]

koyaaniswasqatsi (damn thats hard to type) thanks for the advice.
my "SP shield" is definately up when i talk to her. we talk very generally about every day stuff, sometimes about personal stuff. she asked once if i had a "girlfriend". i said no with my head down like a loser.

Once, when she was away for a while and came back she asid "did you miss me?". So I get all these little signals from her, but also other little signals like she is not interested in me at all. Of course, i take it very personal and it sux.

I find with her she likes to be entertained in conversations, thats why she likes hanging out with this other guy. Hes is constantly funny and amusing. Who doesnt want to hang out with someone like that ? i can be funny sometimes but not all the time.

my problem, is trying to initiae conversations with her. god its hard. my mind goes blank. it cant be something generic like "hi how r u?". it has to be a witty comment or observation. thats how i note the other guy talks and the conversation flows from there.

its not like i have not talked to her. i know heaps about her, her hobbies, her past education, her likes/dislikes, etc...but it still doesnt seem enough. our "relationship" is just not as close as the other person. everything that guy says gets her attention or response.
Like if there is a three way conversation between me, girl and the other guy, the attention will always eventually fall his way. Her glance will always be looking at him and not me. That hurts so much. I know its partly my faullt because I dont reveal personal feelings about myself.

 

[ginguitar]

Lonesome, I definately think that you need to spend time outside work with her, whatever form that takes, but don't force a relationship at all, let it evolve on its own. That's what I'd do if I could go back. I do think that someone with Sp is going to be more compatible long term with either a fellow SP suffer, or someone who has a good understanding of it. Of course that understanding will come through spending time with her and I think that alot of SP suffers are going to be attracted to their outgoing opposites like me. On a positive note, I got a txt from the girl in my situation yesterday and it turns out she was on holiday. Just knowing that she cared how I was pulled me right out of a deep weeklong depression. I write and record songs and gave her a cd of my stuff a few weeks ago and since then, her understanding and sympathy for my situation has been much greater, in relation to how I feel for her and SP. You can't expect to change the way someone feels, but I wanted to know that she was aware of how strongly I felt, because it comes as a shock to someone when you just dump all this emotional stuff on them. All I know is that she has always been a good friend and it is her company I value above all else. At the moment she won't meet me in person, because she feels awkward, but to keep in contact, even just by texting, is enough to keep me going at the moment.

 

[LittleMissScareAll]

I know how you feel. I can't be the first to talk to anyone and people would rather die than talk to me...nobody has or ever will be interested in me or care about me--my only way of meeting people is through this stupid internet...and there was a guy I met online not too long ago and was seeing, and was crazy about... and since he's been gone I've noticed I've lost some weight too; my stomach is flatter because I get this nervous feeling all the time now and I can't eat or when I do, I get sick. I want more & more every day, to just slit my throat and get it over with. I have no purpose in life anyway...it was a huge mistake for me to have ever been born.

 

[Boundless]

I know how you feel. I can't be the first to talk to anyone and people would rather die than talk to me...nobody has or ever will be interested in me or care about me--my only way of meeting people is through this stupid internet...and there was a guy I met online not too long ago and was seeing, and was crazy about... and since he's been gone I've noticed I've lost some weight too; my stomach is flatter because I get this nervous feeling all the time now and I can't eat or when I do, I get sick. I want more & more every day, to just slit my throat and get it over with. I have no purpose in life anyway...it was a huge mistake for me to have ever been born.

Thats crazy talk,every one has a purpose in life you just need to find it(quite funny coming from me im still clueless of what to do myself) im sure people would want to talk to you,i thought like that,didnt think anyone would wont a conversation with me but i added some people from this forum and had a great chat,just because you meet people online there still people.

 

[LittleMissScareAll]

All the people who seem nice live a billion miles away though...and everybody else may have a purpose but I don't(except to be miserable--does that count as a purpose?).

 

[koyaanisqatsi]

Hi lonesomeboy,

Google on koyaanisqatsi to get some definitions. It's also the name of a movie. The definitions reasonate with me, but the movie has nothing to do with SPia.

Your situation with this girl is impossible to read from afar, but I doubt I could do better if I were there. My _guess_ is that she is a flirtatious, attractive girl who likes/needs and gets quite a bit of attention, most of which means very much to her. I'd further guess that she is not ready for a serious relationship. These _are_ guesses. It's hard to tell if her asking if you had a "girlfriend" meant anything other than just general conversation. Girls _generally_ do not ask a boy that question directly if they are interested...they ask other girls about you. And her asking you if you "missed" her after her absence _seems_ more like a need for attention and acknowledgement. One guide you might use is how she talks to other guys in the workplace )not including than the guy she seems to favor), but this too doesn't provide a definitive answer.

What I have said may sound cruel, but I sense you are imagining, fantasizing, expecting more from her than is there. And I want you to avoid what was, for me, a devastatingly painful emotional experience. But I could be wrong.

So, I do think you need to find out where you stand with her as soon as possible. I think I understand the torture you are feeling. If you are like me, you will be miserable for some time if this goes badly, but it may not go badly. Try to spend more time with her. Try to arrange to take a break with her...simply ask her if she would like to take a break. Just make light conversation with her and slowly find out what's going on. You don't have to be, and probably can't be charming, humorous, fun all the time...so don't feel pressured to act that way. She may be happy just to talk about general things like her interests, your interests, etc....i.e. that somebody just cares about and accepts her as she is. You could also try the same with a lunch break. If she is not available to you at all for any of these things, I think you have an answer.

Again, I don't think it is wise to tell her how you feel now, because you just haven't spent that much time with her. After a few breaks with her, it might be appropriate to tell her that you are attracted to her and would like to spend more time with her. But, after a few breaks, I think she will have signalled any feelings she has about you. You'll then probably know what you should do. Slow, but steady.

Hell. I think it all worked better when marriages were arranged in advance by the parents.

good luck,
koyaanisqatsi

koyaaniswasqatsi (damn thats hard to type) thanks for the advice.
my "SP shield" is definately up when i talk to her. we talk very generally about every day stuff, sometimes about personal stuff. she asked once if i had a "girlfriend". i said no with my head down like a loser.

Once, when she was away for a while and came back she asid "did you miss me?". So I get all these little signals from her, but also other little signals like she is not interested in me at all. Of course, i take it very personal and it sux.

I find with her she likes to be entertained in conversations, thats why she likes hanging out with this other guy. Hes is constantly funny and amusing. Who doesnt want to hang out with someone like that ? i can be funny sometimes but not all the time.

my problem, is trying to initiae conversations with her. god its hard. my mind goes blank. it cant be something generic like "hi how r u?". it has to be a witty comment or observation. thats how i note the other guy talks and the conversation flows from there.

its not like i have not talked to her. i know heaps about her, her hobbies, her past education, her likes/dislikes, etc...but it still doesnt seem enough. our "relationship" is just not as close as the other person. everything that guy says gets her attention or response.
Like if there is a three way conversation between me, girl and the other guy, the attention will always eventually fall his way. Her glance will always be looking at him and not me. That hurts so much. I know its partly my faullt because I dont reveal personal feelings about myself.